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Waking up the next morning was a wash of embarrassment grazing onto him. Bright lights coming from his windows, his pillow halfway across his bed spread, and his knotted hair a few inches from his face.
He felt like a complete idiot.
Karl’s first reaction was to grab his phone, pawing for it around his bed until his feels the thick metal in his grasp.
No new messages. He wasn’t surprised.
To everyone else it was a regular September afternoon. Dropped leaves that were falling with vibrant, youthful colors. The joyful smell of cinnamon and rain he could scent through the small crack of his window. Small chirps from birds who seemed to have missed traveling. Pretty sounds and pretty colors.
But he continued to lay. That’s where Karl wanted to lay, in his bed. Because no matter the warming atmosphere, nothing was as comforting as the overwhelming feeling of himself. He didn’t want to move from that bed, because it’s the only place he felt safe.
The wall didn’t change color like the North Carolina trees did, but it felt more accepting than the plastered positivity that suffocated him from the outdoors.
He laid there for hours. Not a limb was moved and not a glance was thought about. He just wanted everything to stop as he laid there, and no matter how much he knew that wouldn’t happen, he continued to lay there.
A harsh buzzing had him wincing, it had fallen dark. No light peering through a window, no broken lamp or night light placed on. Darkness, as he continued to lay there. So the contrast of the bright light exuding from his phone was enough to startle him. He picked up the phone with a breath, but no spoken tone.
“Hello?” The other person starts after a beat of silent. Karl hums, surprised the sound was able to fall out of his mouth. He was grateful for it.
“Karl, I’m worried about you.” The voice continued. Karl liked it, it felt like his bedsheets. Calm, warm, and slightly inviting even though it left mystery with it. He didn’t reply, just another hum.
“You scared me last night, you scared all of us.” It continued. Karl scowled at that, how was anyone scared if there was no means to even check up on him? He didn’t like to be lied to. He hated being lied to.
“Can I facetime you? Do you think you can do that for me?” He continues. Karl sighed, clearing his throat a tiny bit before forcing out a sound.
“Don’t baby me.” He mumbled, the voice was barely audible but it was enough to be acceptable.
“Got it. I’m calling you.” And the call dropped. And for a split second he thought he’d able to bask in his solitude again, but another call ruined that for him. He whined but moved his finger to pick it up.
“Karl, I can’t see you. Can you please turn on a light?” The voice said, but it was no longer just a voice. A soft brunette filled face basked across his screen. Sapnap. When did he ever text Sapnap?
“Can’t move, Sap. I’m okay right here.” Karl prodded, stubborn in his delivery. Sapnap huffed loudly, visibly upset.
“Have you eaten anything at all? Or moved since you woke up?” Sapnap asked.
“I said don’t baby me.”
“Well it’s fucking hard not to when you aren’t taking care of yourself, K.” Sapnap pushed.
He understood where Sapnap was coming from, wholeheartedly. But what did he know? He wasn’t that one feeling like this. Of course it felt like a fucking September day to him, but that was never what it was to Karl. He had no right to be upset with him.
“Stop acting like you care. Nobody has talked to me all day.” He says, it comes off harsh and iffy.
He didn’t like the aura he was giving, but he couldn’t take it back. And everyone knew how stubborn Karl was in the first place when it came to anything.
“Oh my god, Karl. I love you, but you’re being selfish. We were all worried sick, we gave you space. We know you don’t like to be infantilized. I was trying to be fair.” Sapnap argues, his face turning into a prominent frown.
Karl turns on his lamp, out of annoyance is what he tells himself but he knew that wasn’t it. And Sapnap’s breath was choked.
He looked horrible, for lack of a better term. His knotted hair that definitely needed a wash was strewn everywhere. His bags were blatant, sinking in and with a hint of black crowding them. And he barely looked like he could even open his eyes, them being so sensitive for so long.
“You need to get up.” Sapnap orders, his stare wasn’t dismissible.
“I’m fine here.” He retaliates once again.
“I’ll send Chris if you don’t get the fuck up.” Sapnap prods again, the demand getting under Karl’s skin.
“Fuck you.” Karl whispers. He doesn’t move, doesn’t dare to.
“I don’t want this for you, K. I can’t always be there for you like I want to.” Sapnap soothes, realizing his orders weren’t bringing them anywhere.
Karl knows how much he’s trying to help, and he loved him for that. But nothing was going to pull him out of this. His words weren’t going to magically change how he felt or how he was acting. Not even his own words could change it.
“We were so scared, Kars. I was so fucking scared.” Sapnap spoke, his voice wavered but it was strong in delivery.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Karl whispers softly. He picked at his thigh, a soft pinch stopped him from letting thoughts invade his mind.
“I can’t be in your head all the time. I want to, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to lose you like this.” He says truthfully. Karl never wanted to breakdown his partner like this ever, he wanted to be perfect.
And that was the same exact mindset that caused him to feel like this.
“I know. I’m sorry for yesterday.” He replied blankly. Karl didn’t know what else to say, he didn’t want to put anything on him.
“You’re enough, Karl. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even when it gets to here. You deserve a happy ending.” Sapnap speaks.
Karl couldn’t cry anymore, his eyes dried out from yesterday. But if he could, he’d be feeling it right now. He wanted to believe he was enough so bad, more than anything. He wanted to prove it to himself, to everyone who said he wasn’t. But for now, he couldn’t.
“We’ll get a happy ending, K. You’ll see. I just need you here for a little while longer.”
“Okay.”
And hushed sniffles and promises put them to sleep.