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Strands of hair yanked free of her head as calloused hands fisted into her scalp. The pain of the strain wasn't enough - wasn't enough to block out the words that repeated in her head over and over -
your fault your fault
It had been a good day! Silco had been able to find the scrap she needed to upgrade zapper and she had been able to blow some wannabe big shots into the sewers - a shower of glitter and guts - and Sevika hadn't even said shit about it, had even looked reluctantly impressed.
It had been a good day.
killed everyone because you lost your shit -
"Shut up!!"
Her screams echoed off the metal walls, the echo being the only sound she could hear other than the creak coming from her projects as they swung back and forth from the fans and the sparse bits of furniture that she'd dragged in.
"It can't be - he had to be lying, he had to be," she panted, forcefully ripping her hands from her hair, taking a few strands with her and ruining the slicked back look preceding her braids.
"I'm not magic - I can't - there's no magic folk in the slums, everyone knows that."
Jinx didn't know who she was trying to convince. Herself maybe (or the tall figure of Mylo that sat cross legged on the couch, always judging her).
"I'm no mage," she growled, reaching over to grab the box of scraps that she had been originally tinkering with, had planned to build more of the chemical bombs to tag the Firelights with the next time they showed up. As she violently wrenched a loose bolt from it's holding in the chomper prototype, she couldn't help the way her mind started connecting the dots.
The way she had always been good at shooting (had been good at other things before realizing they were useless).
How no matter what she did, how many Firelights she took down, the bastard in the owl mask stayed unharmed and alive despite everything.
(Jinx wondered if Ekko had kept that necklace she had given him when she was Powder)
That time one of the dull-headed goons had been convinced that a few prayers from her would ensure their mission went well (it didn't and Jinx laughed when he'd come back missing an eye).
When Jinx had been tiny and small, and believed the world of her sister but didn't believe shit about herself.
And according to painted-eyes that had been enough to Jinx everyone around her.
"Such delicate magic, so dependent on your belief and self-esteem, it's no wonder you're known as quite the loose-canon."
So many instances, some small and insignificant while others big enough to smack her in the face as if to say how the fuck did you never notice.
Jinx did her best to ignore the burning sensation tugging at the corners of her eyes. She was good at denying things about people, about herself, and Jinx couldn't help the way she shook as she tried to deny deny deny until it went away.
So she didn't know why or when she had gotten up and had made her way down one of the fan ends. Her mind was viciously blank as she pulled out the tiny weathered chest that had been pushed into the corner, forgotten for years.
"It doesn't mean anything," Jinx whispered viciously, eyes wide and unhinged as she pried open the lock and revealed the contents with a loud creak of the hinge.
Remants of a ghost, of who Powder had been; old prototypes (that never worked - was that why they never worked??) that she had lovingly given names like whisker and scratches, gifts from long dead friends (some not so dead), and small trinkets that Powder-before-she-became-Jinx had hid away before Silco could trash them.
Her lips trembled as she reached in and pulled out the first object that had been so carefully placed on top. Vi's bunny rabbit, the one that she had given the younger girl when Vi had thought that she would be going away for good. Vi had never said anything, never told her that was why she had given the toy to her, but Jinx had known something was wrong.
She still went away for good.
Jinx flinched and couldn't help the small apology she gave the rabbit as her nail ripped into a fragile seam. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that," she cried, pulling in the plush to hug it delicately to her chest.
When people looked at her, they saw all the harshness and uncaring that lined her edges, but never looked close enough to see much else. They never realized how much of a delicate hand it took to build her bombs, build her weapons, and do what she did.
It was with those delicate hands that Jinx raised the bunny up until it's black beaded eyes were staring right into hers. And then Jinx asked the question that had been burning on her tongue since the mage had so broke her world.
"Was it... my fault... that Vi left?"
She was met with complete and utter silence.
Jinx seemed to crumble as the seconds went by and no one answered; not the scribbles, not Mylo or Claggor, no one. "Did I Jinx her? Did I make it so that she couldn't come back?"
It wasn't true. Jinx had wanted her back, had wanted Vi to come back more than anything even as the flames had nearly scorched her back and her cheek stung to remind her of Vi's anger.
"Names hold power. If you see yourself as a Jinx, to yourself and to everyone around you, the arcane will respond in kind."
The girl sobbed.
Jinx had been born that night. What could have been more unlucky for her family than the birth of a monster?