Chapter Text
"Eli. Eli, Eli, wait, it's okay."
" No." Hawk furiously shakes his head no and roughly pushes away from Demetri. "This was a stupid idea."
"You were the one who brought it up."
"And I told you to forget it!"
"Well, I'm sorry that my memory is so incredibly fantastic!" Demetri exclaims in mock-annoyance, crossing his arms.
"That's not...ugh!" Hawk is annoyed for real, though mostly at himself. "It was a stupid idea. I wish I'd never said anything about it. Can we just...can we just go back to normal, and..."
"Even if I wanted to, we couldn't," Demetri says, and Hawk knows he's right. "Thing is, Eli, I know the only reason why you think it's a stupid idea is because you're embarrassed for not thinking it's a stupid idea."
"That doesn't even make sense ," Hawk spits.
"It makes perfect sense. You just don't want it to."
Hawk rolls his eyes. They land on the package of Goodnites in his closet, and Demetri follows his gaze. It's quiet for a few seconds.
Demetri looks back at Eli and says, softer, "I'm sorry."
"What?"
"About the...nocturnal enuresis thing. I don't think anybody actually thought too hard about it and most of them probably didn't even believe me, but I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."
Hawk shrugs. "It's okay. I've done way more messed up stuff to you. And at least you..." his voice goes quieter, "I...thanks for not saying anything about my...you know." He taps his upper lip.
"I would never," Demetri assures him. "That would be even worse. I swear the thought didn't even cross my mind though, because..." he shrugs. "I really just don't see what the big deal is. I don't even notice it, really, it's just part of your face."
Hawk snorts. "It's just part of my face?"
"Yeah, like, how some people have freckles and some people have acne scarring and some people have vitiligo—they're just faces. They're not really that important. People who think they are are just idiots."
Hawk smiles slightly, though only for a moment. "Thanks," he says, voice barely above a whisper.
"Of course, man," Demetri says. "Now, back to the regression thing-"
Hawk groans. "Can we not? I said it was stupid. I don't wanna try it anymore."
"But no, look, I've been doing some research on it, okay? It's like, a legitimate therapy technique used to help cope with stress, and there's all this fascinating psychology behind it, and I really think it would help. You said yourself it would."
"Yeah, but I can't...I can't do it in front of you!"
"That's the whole point, though, isn't it?"
"But I feel pathetic enough when I'm by myself, I think I'd probably die of embarrassment if you were h-"
"Wait, so you have regressed before?" Demetri interrupts. "You told me you didn't! You just totally lied right to my face!"
Hawk shuts his mouth.
"Okay, okay, look. Part of the reason I want to do this with you is because, well...you know, things between us are never gonna go back to the way they were before Cobra Kai and everything, but...I don't know, man, even though we're like, kind of unofficially a 'thing,' things between us just seem so weird and distant now, and I thought..." Demetri sighs. "Look, if you don't want to, that's fine. I just want you to...I want you to feel safe enough around me again to not pretend to be other people."
Hawk stares at him for a moment. "Really?"
"Well, yeah ! I miss you, man!"
"I...miss you too. But..."
"What?"
"Are you...are you sure ? Do you really want...do you really want to take care of me?"
"Well, duh! That's what I've been saying this whole time !"
Hawk looks down at his hands, whose knuckles are perpetually bruised because he's always punching things nowadays. His therapist said—back when he still listened to her—that anger is a secondary emotion. It doesn't exist on its own, it's only ever there to cover up another emotion underneath, like fear or hurt.
Hawk has a lot of fear and hurt.
He exhales slowly, eyes closed. "You promise you won't...tell anyone? Or anything?"
"Of course not. That would make me a terrible person. And I like to think of myself as a mostly decent person."
Hawk smiles slightly. "Okay," he says.
"Okay?" Demetri repeats in surprise. "Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah. I'll..." he takes a deep breath. "I...I trust you, Demetri."
Demetri tries to keep from smiling like he's a kid in a candy shop but he can't, so instead he pulls Hawk into a hug so he can be serious. "That is the highest honor you could ever give me, Eli Moskowitz."
Hawk hugs him back, and he thinks it's just about the best hug he's ever been given. Probably for about the same reason you'd think any food is the best food you've ever had if you hadn't eaten in a month.
He clings onto Demetri tighter than either of them were expecting and then he just about bursts into tears because he feels so safe .
He thought knowing karate made him feel safe, but somehow it's here, when he's vulnerable and slipping and in Demetri's...weak nerd arms...that he feels more safe than he thinks he's ever felt.
Hawk sniffles, feeling stupid but adamantly ignoring the voice in his head telling him to man up. Whatever. He doesn't care. He can man up later. This, right here, is worth too much to push away. He's already pushed away Demetri too many times. Hawk is never going to let him go again.
"Woah, hey, what's wrong?" Demetri asks when Hawk lets out a small sob, in a gentler voice because somehow he can already tell Hawk's teetering on the edge of littlespace.
"Nothing," Hawk says, voice muffled because his face is still buried in Demetri's chest. "I just...I just really love you."
Demetri beams. "I love you too, buddy."
Hawk stifles another sob and then nods. "Okay. I'm...I'm gonna do it. Now, if that's...okay?"
"That's the whole reason I came over here in the first place, silly, of course it's okay."
"I don't deserve you," Hawk mumbles.
"I don't deserve you either," Demetri says without missing a beat. "Who cares? I'm too selfish to give you up. I love you too much."
Hawk lets out a breath and buries his face in the crook of Demetri's neck.
"Do you need something to help you?" Demetri asks. "Like...a stuffed animal or a pacifier or some cartoons or something like that?"
"I..." Hawk shifts. "I don't know. It's easier when I'm alone. Maybe..." he trails off.
"You can tell me," Demetri says. "Whatever it is you need, we'll figure it out. You don't need to be embarrassed."
"Can I..." Hawk's face heats up and he mumbles the last bit, "Can I sit on your lap?"
Wordlessly, Demetri shifts so his back is against the wall and pats his thigh. Hawk hesitates.
"I'm...I'm gonna close my door," he mumbles. "I know nobody else is home but..."
"No problem," Demetri says.
Hawk comes back to his bed after shutting the door and hesitantly climbs onto Demetri's lap. "I'm not too heavy, am I?"
"Nah. I know you like to think you're all big and tough but you're still smaller than me," Demetri teases, wrapping his arms around Hawk and pressing a kiss to his temple. Hawk rests his head on Demetri's shoulder and takes a deep breath.
"Okay. Okay, I...it's fine."
"It is fine. It's just me, Hawkman. It's gonna be okay." Demetri gives Hawk another kiss. "What kinds of things do you like to do when you're regressed?"
"Um..." Hawk closes his eyes. "I like to...watch cartoons."
"Yeah? What kinds of cartoons?"
"Superhero cartoons. Spider-Man. Batman."
"Hawk-eye?" Demetri suggests with a smirk.
Hawk smiles. "No. He doesn't have his own cartoon."
"Aw, that's too bad."
It's quiet for a few moments. "Demetri?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry?"
Demetri shifts slightly. "What for?"
"For...being an awful person. I'm so sorry. I was a jerk, and I...don't even know why."
"What?" Demetri shakes his head. "No, no, Eli, you weren't a bad person. You jus-"
"I had nightmares after I broke your arm," Hawk confesses softly. "Isn't that selfish?"
"How...how could having nightmares be selfish?" Demetri says. He wasn't expecting Hawk to bring up the arm, and it's actually something he'd rather not talk about, but Hawk's self-deprecating un-logic is even more uncomfortable. "That doesn't make any sense, bud."
"But I was the bad guy. I wasn't the one who got hurt. I was the one who hurt you. And it was my fault. So I shouldn't..." Hawk tapers off. His speech is getting a little slurred and his head's getting fuzzy. He's dropping; not fully in headspace quite yet but getting there.
"No, Eli, it's okay. You were hurting too. On the inside. That's what made you do what you did, and actually, the fact that you felt so awful about it proves that you're not a bad person. A bad person wouldn't feel bad about doing bad things. Okay?"
"...Okay." Hawk swallows around the lump in his throat and presses his face into the crook of Demetri's neck.
He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven, doesn't deserve to be cared for, doesn't deserve to be loved. But God, he wants it so bad . He's so sick of putting on a mask every day and acting like he doesn't need anybody because he can take care of himself. He's sick of pushing people away and hurting his friends and being surrounded by so many people it makes him lonely.
Hawk drops.
It scares him. He's vulnerable, in front of somebody else. That's against the rules . But Demetri has always been an exception.
Hawk—no, Eli—shifts in Demetri's lap and clings onto him like a baby koala, squeezing him as hard as he can without hurting him, because he honestly can't remember the last time he hugged anyone and he's just been so incredibly lonely...
Demetri squeezes Eli back in response. "Are you little?" he asks quietly.
Eli nods, loosening his grip a little. "Sorry."
"Oh, hey, no, don't be sorry. That's what I'm here for." Demetri presses another kiss to Eli's temple, gentler and more tender than the other kisses he'd given him today. "I want to take care of you," he says.
"...Really?"
"Of course I do, silly," Demetri says.
Eli realizes that's really all he wants.
He presses his face into Demetri's chest, feeling himself relax a bit. "Promise?" he says.
"I promise," Demetri tells him. "I love you, Eli. I hope you believe me."
"You...gonna be my caregiver?"
"If that's what you want. I would love that."
Eli thinks for a moment, then nods. "Feel...safe. You're safe."
Demetri can't help but smile again, warmth blooming in his chest. "Then I'll be your caregiver."
"'metri?"
"Yeah, bud?"
"Love you too."