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1
The first time Sirius ever thought the words in his head was during their fifth year at Hogwarts. Sirius and Remus had started their relationship nearly a year earlier and were quickly coming up on their one-year mark. One year since Sirius had first kissed Remus in his bed and Remus had agreed to be his boyfriend. It had been the best year of his life.
But they hadn’t made it to the next step yet, the big I love you step.
Those three words had never been said to him before in his life. James had said it casually and thoughtlessly, tossing it around to anyone who made him smile that day. Sirius didn’t understand how he could say those words so easily, but he supposed if you had been raised with love to spare, you also had love to spare to give out yourself.
But other than James who meant it in a completely different way, Sirius had never been told that somebody loved him. It wasn’t something the House of Black said to their children or siblings, it went along with the lack of physical affection and the constant insults.
He knew that Remus thought the same about the three words as he did. The only person who told him they loved him, since becoming a werewolf when he was just short of five years old, was his mother. And while he was grateful that his mother still loved him after being around him during his first transformation, he knew that the three words still weighed heavy implications and were extremely exclusive.
So, the first time Sirius ever thought about saying those words to someone else, it caught him slightly off guard. He probably should have expected it, he was halfway to falling in love before they had even gotten together, but almost a year later Sirius still froze in his seat when his mind whispered those three little words during their History of Magic class.
There wasn’t anything special about the day, in fact, they had been stuck in boring classes since morning. It started with double Herbology followed by lunch which wasn’t anything special, then when he thought was bursting with boredom, he checked his timetable to find History next.
“C’mon Moony, skive off with me.”
“It’s the first History class of our OWL years, Sirius. Binns might actually say something important today.”
Sirius gave up after even James told him they had to go to class and silently followed his friends. He took his usual seat next to Remus, sulking visibly so his boyfriend would know how much he really didn’t want to be in class. He could think of more creative ways to spend their afternoon and the majority of the ideas involved Remus in their dorm room snogging each other’s faces off.
“Moony,” Sirius whispered over to Remus ten minutes into their lesson. “I’m bored.”
“Shh Sirius, I’m trying to listen.”
Sirius laid his head down, turning it so he could admire Remus’ side profile. He let his eyes flicker over Remus’ tan face. Since they had just come back from summer, Remus’ nose and cheeks were littered with slightly darker freckles. The first day back, Sirius had taken Remus’ head in his hands and kissed every freckle he could find. When he was finished, Remus’ face was reddened with a blush, but his eyes were sparkling, and his lips were quirked up into a half-smile. Three days later and they had already started to fade, but Sirius couldn’t help but soak them in while he could.
The freckles were now being illuminated by the sun shining through the window along with the rest of his face. It gave his curls more of a golden hue and his eyes brightened to match the colour of his hair. Matched with his skin, Remus looked like the ultimate golden boy. He looked like Merlin’s gift to wizarding kind and Sirius was seriously convinced he was.
And as he was staring shamelessly over at Remus while he furrowed his eyebrows and tried to concentrate, Sirius thought, ‘I love you' for the first time.
It startled him at first, he had never thought about possibly saying those words to anyone, but it also made sense because Sirius was absolutely in love with Remus. He was more surprised it took him so long to come to that realization, especially with how big his feeling for his boyfriend felt.
But now he had the realization, he couldn’t stop thinking about how much it was true.
Still, I love you was a big proclamation, and Sirius was very aware that Remus took it as seriously as he did. So even though he thought it right then in there, he knew he couldn’t say it until he knew it was right. He didn’t know when that would be, nor did he worry that one day the moment would come. But Sirius needed to know that Remus felt the same before he said it, worried that the first time he ever said it to someone, he would be rejected. Yes, the thought that Remus would ever reject him was slightly ridiculous, but Sirius still needed to be 100% sure what Remus’ answer would be before he admitted.
“Stop staring at me,” Remus hissed tilting his head towards where Sirius was still staring.
Sirius smiled back gently. “I can’t, you’re that beautiful.”
Sirius relished the blush that spread over Remus’ face and down his cheeks. And yes, he loved this boy, and one day he would bring himself to admit it to him.
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2
The second time it ever crossed his mind was an early autumn morning in October. Sirius had stopped sleeping in his own bed about halfway into their fourth year, preferring to cuddle up next to his overheated soulmate that acted as his own personal bed heater. He sometimes wondered if Remus wished Sirius would bugger off to his own bed every once in a while, but every time he brought it up, Remus grumbled slightly and pulled Sirius closer to his body.
This morning was different than the rest. There was rarely a time when Sirius rose before Remus. Remus was a light sleeper, a product of his oversensitive hearing abilities that often woke him up before everyone else. Sirius was the opposite, sleeping quite heavily unless he was woken up by someone else directly.
However, it was the morning before the day of the full moon and Remus always slept longer and deeper, trying to preserve his energy for the following night when he was going to transform. Sirius usually kept him company during his lie ins, also needing to preserve his energy for the moon. It would be his second as Padfoot to keep Moony company.
But this was going to be a particularly bad moon, he could already tell by Remus’ soft groaning in his sleep. He was withering slightly from the pre-moon aches, the movement having woken Sirius up earlier than he anticipated.
He blinked his eyes open watching as Remus’ frowning face slowly became sharper. His eyes were still closed, but he was breathing heavily. He squirmed a bit more trying to find another comfortable position waking Sirius up even more. Sirius let himself wake up for a few extra minutes before he reached out and ran his fingers through Remus’ hair. The simple gesture caused Remus to somewhat relax in his sleep, his face softening in a neutral sleepy pout.
“My poor, poor Moony,” he whispered trying not to wake his boyfriend.
Remus shifted again; he was clearly in pain. Sirius pushed himself so he was sitting upright, the sheets slipping down causing the brisk autumn air to dust goosebumps over his skin. Sirius reached over to the end of the bed and grabbed the jumper Remus had discarded before they went to bed last night to throw it on. Then he shifted so he was hovering slightly over Remus’ back and warmed up his hands with the blankets before carefully pressing them into the tense muscles of his back. Sirius kneaded gently trying to release the built-up knots.
Slowly, the more muscles that Sirius massaged, Remus started to wake up. Sirius watched his glossy eyes blink open taking in his surroundings. He groaned softly and moved so he was laying more on his side than his stomach. He blinked up at Sirius, hair tousled from sleep, and eyes still hazy. When he first noticed Sirius, his eyes softened, and his lips pulled into a sleepy gentle smile.
“Morning Pads.”
The sight of his boyfriend fresh from sleep looking softer than he ever had before, beaming up at him just for existing made his heart clench and his head whisper, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…’ over and over again.
He almost said it too, almost poured his entire heart out to the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. But he couldn’t when Remus was still so sleepy. He wanted Remus’ mind to be sharp when he heard it, properly ready to come up with a response that he actually meant and not what foggy morning brain came up with.
“Good morning Moony,” he voiced instead, leaning down and giving Remus a chaste kiss on the lips. “Need help out of bed?”
He shook his head no, but Sirius jumped from the bed and hurried over to Remus’ side to help him anyway. Remus offered him another sleepy smile when Sirius wrapped an arm around his waist to guide him towards the bathroom. Remus pressed another kiss into Sirius’ hair and Sirius loved the boy with every inch of his heart.
☆ ☆ ☆
3
Their fifth year was busier than most. This was the first time they were doing Ministry-administered exams and the pressure of the upcoming testing, still six months away, was starting to take its toll on Remus. Sirius noticed the way his shoulders hiked up closer to his ears constantly and was prone to snap every once in a while when it all got to be too much.
Sirius did what he could to help his boyfriend. He would bring Remus some tea when he was lost in his textbooks, remind him to eat when it was mealtimes, and massage his shoulders to release the tension, just like he did with Remus’ other muscles around the full moons.
Still, it wasn’t enough to completely ease whatever stress Remus was feeling about the exams in June, and it was starting to seep into the Christmas holidays.
Sirius made the decision that he wasn’t going home for Christmas after a particularly bad summer he spent with his family and Remus decided to join him staying at Hogwarts so that he could cram in some more studying. No matter how much Sirius convinced Remus to take a break, Remus insisted that he needed to finish one more chapter before he really started his Christmas break.
“Just one more chapter Pads,” Remus muttered as Sirius served Remus his fourth cup of tea that afternoon. “Once I get through this era of History, I’m all yours for three whole days.”
Remus barely looked up as Sirius leaned down to press a kiss into his curls. He hummed into his boyfriend’s hair, breathing in afterward and taking in the comforting scent of his soulmate. He read somewhere in a book that the scent of a soulmate could be intoxicating–like Amortentia since it was the same thing for the people who had already found their soulmate–and Sirius couldn’t agree more.
After, he settled down on his bed and flipped open a Quidditch magazine James left behind. He was soothed by the scratching of Remus’ quill against a piece of parchment and his under the breath mumbling. He knew that it was pointless trying to pry Remus from his studying prematurely, but he really wanted to spend the afternoon of December 23rd cuddled up with his boyfriend, kissing him until they were both breathless and grinning stupidly into each other’s mouths.
The time got away from him, he wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Remus finally packed up his books and abandoned his spot at the desk to join Sirius on the bed.
“You know you’re the best right?” Remus said cuddling up beside him and pecking him sweetly on the cheek.
Sirius threw the magazine over onto James’ bed and turned to face Remus. “I did, but you know I love to hear it. Did I do anything to earn that title?”
Remus sighed. “I know I’ve been driving you bonkers this year with my excessive studying, but you’re always so good about it. I really appreciate you, Pads.”
‘I love you,’ Sirius almost blurted out in response. He bit his lips to physically force the words from tumbling out before he was certain Remus was ready to hear such meaningful words. “It’s important to you Moony.” It wasn’t the response he wanted to give, but it was the only thing he could say that wouldn’t give away his strong feelings for his love.
Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius’. Sirius’ eyes fluttered shut and he relished in the feeling of his boyfriend’s lips against his own. Even after a year, kissing Remus still brought butterflies to his stomach. His lips still made him feel tingly all over and his touch ignited sparks.
Sirius loved the way Remus made him feel almost as much as he loved Remus himself. And though he wasn’t ready to say it aloud, he tried to show Remus anyways, pouring his feelings into the kiss. It wasn’t an I love you, but it was enough for now, and Sirius felt pretty damn good about it.
☆ ☆ ☆
4
The first Valentine’s day Sirius spent with Remus, he panicked the entire week before, not knowing how to properly go about it as a boyfriend. It wasn’t hard to please Remus, Sirius just bought him a large box of chocolates and a tin of his favourite tea. Remus bought Sirius a new record to use on James’ record player and a pack of liquorice wands. They spent the day holding hands in the hallways and giggling between kisses.
This year Sirius wanted to do something even more special than the last. It had been over a year, and Sirius was getting better at the whole boyfriend thing. This year was special too because not only were they dating, but Sirius was well aware of how much he loved his boyfriend and how special Remus was to him. So, ultimately, he went to his best friend for help.
“It needs to be special Prongs!” Sirius complained throwing himself over James’ body. “My Moony deserves nothing but the best, except I don’t know what the best is!”
James shifted his legs, giving Sirius more room to flop on him. “Moony’s a simple man, Pads. I’m sure if you bought him loads of chocolate and maybe a jumper, he’d be thrilled.”
Sirius sat up and shot James an offended look. “That’s what I got him for Christmas James! I need something more!”
James put down the textbook he had been skimming through and gave Sirius his full attention. James moved them so they were sitting crossed-legged on his bed facing one another. Sirius watched James’ eyes scan his face, reading every emotion he was displaying.
“What is it Pads? Really, there must be something more to it.”
Sirius bit his lip in looked down at the hands in his lap. He hadn’t told James about realizing he was in love with Remus yet. He knew what James’ reaction and advice would be. James would wrap his arms around Sirius, exclaim that he was so happy for his two best friends, and suggest that Sirius gain some balls and tell Remus exactly how he felt. Unfortunately, James understood love in a very different way than Sirius and Remus did, so Sirius wasn’t sure he could trust James’ advice.
“It’s nothing,” he tried to brush off James’ question, but he should have known better. James was very perceptive and also his best friend, there was no way James would believe his half-arsed lie.
“Pad’s really, what is it?”
He made the mistake of looking into the hazel eyes that were filled with concern and love. Sirius always found comfort in those warm eyes, the ones he got from his mother. He always caved under them. “I love him Prongs,” Sirius whispered. “I love him, and I want him to know without me having to say it.”
James audibly gasped and threw his arms around Sirius just like he anticipated. “This is awesome! Oh, my two best friends in love!”
“Shhh, keep it down Prongs. I haven’t told him yet.”
James pulled back and looked at him with wild eyes. “What? Why not?”
He didn’t know how to explain his fear of rejection to James. James wouldn’t understand how big this was for Sirius. Even admitting he was in love with Remus to his best friend was a big step for him. It would be the first time he’d ever told anyone else, and he wanted it to go perfectly. He reduced all his racing thoughts down to one sentence.
“I’m just scared.”
James softened slightly. “That’s okay Pads. We’ll figure out some big gesture for Valentine’s day and then you can admit your undying love for your soulmate!”
Sirius wasn’t convinced he would suddenly be ready to pour his heart out in a week, but he appreciated James’ enthusiasm to help him plan something special anyways. They spent three whole days planning Sirius’ Valentine’s gift and by the time Valentine’s day came up, Sirius was eager to give Remus’ his gift.
Valentine’s day 1976 fell on a Saturday giving Sirius the whole to plan for. Though his grand gesture wasn’t planned until after nightfall, Sirius still tried to make the morning and afternoon special. Sirius woke Remus with a back massage and kisses all along his skin, it was one of the rare days Remus slept longer than Sirius thanks to the moon. Remus woke up all soft, Sirius’ favourite type of Remus, and kissed him good morning thoroughly.
Then Sirius spent the day showing Remus just how much of a doting boyfriend he could be. He served him breakfast, made him tea, cuddled him while he read from his book, and gave him gentle kisses whenever he felt appropriate, meaning every moment of the day.
At dinner time, Sirius served Remus his plate again, this time adding smaller portions than usual. “Don’t want to spoil your appetite for your surprise,” Sirius winked when Remus looked at him confused.
Once they scarfed down their dinner, Sirius and Remus bid the other Marauders a good night and escaped into the dark halls of the castle. Sirius wrapped his hand around Remus’ and squeezed lightly. “Have you had a good day so far?” Sirius asked leaning closer to Remus.
“It’s been perfect Pads, really.” Remus flashed him a stellar smile. “Did you like your gift?”
“Yes! Moony you know I love a Bowie record!” He pulled on Remus’ hand to stop him in the middle of the hall and reached up to his neck to pull him down for a kiss. Sirius held him there, drinking in the feeling of Remus’ lips moving against his own. “C’mon we’re almost there.”
Sirius led him the rest of the way to the Astronomy Tower, then up the stairs. “This is a little cliché don’t you think Pads?” Remus said skeptically as the ascended more and more steps.
Remus looked like he wanted to say more when Sirius didn’t answer, but whatever thought he wanted to voice died when he saw Sirius’ surprise. Sirius was quite proud of what he and James managed to plan in the few days they had. Sitting there at the top of the Astronomy Tower was a small table littered with rose petals and candles creating a romantic setting. In the middle of the table sat a dozen chocolatey desserts Sirius had asked the house elves to prepare ahead of time for the two of them.
“Sirius…” Remus whispered. He turned to face him and grabbed his cheeks, pulling him into a passionate kiss.
Sirius was slightly caught off guard by the reaction but melted into it anyways. He moaned softly into his mouth when Remus pried his lips open with his tongue. He could tell how much Remus appreciated the gift by the way he backed Sirius into the wall and lavished him with his lips.
“You…are…the…best…boyfriend,” Remus mumbled against his lips between kisses.
“I–,” Sirius cut himself off before he could finish that thought. ‘I love you,’ he said to Remus in his head instead. He wanted to say it, he really did. It felt cliché to say it on Valentine’s day, yet Sirius didn’t care. But just because Remus appreciated him enough to snog his face-off, it didn’t mean he would say I love you back if Sirius said it first.
“C’mon,” he said pulling away breathless. “Let’s eat.”
☆ ☆ ☆
5
The fifth time it happened was the closest Sirius ever got to say it aloud. He had full intentions to do it this time, unlike the other times when he almost said it by accident, this time Sirius really wanted Remus to know how much he loved him.
He had been psyching himself up ever since his Valentine’s day surprise to finally come clean to Remus about how he felt. Since that day, Remus had been slightly more affectionate than usual, something Sirius was extremely pleased with, and Sirius believed that this meant something about how Remus himself was feeling.
He decided that since it was such a big step, Sirius was going to build it up and make it extra special for the both of them. He knew Remus’ birthday was coming up and thought that it would be nice learning your boyfriend loved you on a special day like that. So, he prepared his speech mentally, how he was going to bring it up casually so that Remus didn’t know that he had planned it, and he practiced how he would take Remus’ face in his hands, pull him close and whisper, ‘I love you,’ in the most loving voice he could muster up.
Remus must’ve sensed his nerves because the entire day he kept giving Sirius looks. “Are you hiding something Pads?” he would ask periodically looking to James and Peter who sat there looking artificially innocent.
“Nope, nothing,” he would say over and over trying to convince the both of them. And every time Sirius looked suspicious, James would look over and smirk at him like he knew something he shouldn’t. He must’ve caught on that Sirius was planning on professing his love later that day, Sirius wasn’t sure how, but never underestimate James’ ability to sniff out love.
He knew that he wanted to wait till after their dinner–they had put in a specific request to serve Remus’ favourite pies for dinner which would put him in an even better mood–when he could get James and Peter to bugger off, and take Remus up to their dorm, dim the lights and tell his boyfriend he loved him.
It all worked out mostly as planned. James and Peter did leave dinner before Sirius and Remus, and when Sirius checked the map he had stuffed in his robes, they were both sitting in the common room leaving the dorm empty for Sirius’ confession. Sirius tugged his boyfriend close, walking with him slowly so buy him more time. He tucked himself snuggly under Remus' armpit and kissed his shoulder every twenty steps they managed.
“You’re in a good mood tonight,” Remus remarked chuckling softly as Sirius buried his nose into Remus’ armpit, taking in his natural musk.
“Just happy to celebrate your birthday with you my Moony.”
The closer they got to Gryffindor Tower; the more Sirius could feel himself sweating. He expected to have some nerves, it was their first time saying I love you, but he was starting to wonder if he should be this nervous if the time was supposed to be right.
Sirius was so lost in his head that he didn’t even realize they had made it back to their common room. Remus said the password to The Fat Lady and her portrait swung open revealing a large crowd gathered in the common room.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMUS!” the crowd shouted when the two of them entered.
Remus smiled brightly and thanked everyone for throwing him a party. “I knew you were hiding something Pads,” Remus whispered against his temple.
Sirius racked his brain, but he couldn’t remember planning a party for Remus. He turned to see James and Peter breaking off from the group to join Remus and Sirius. “Are you surprised?” James shouted over the music.
“Yes James, you guys got me!”
“C’mon Remus, I’ll get you a drink,” Peter offered, ushering Remus away.
They both watched their two friends disappear into the crowd. Sirius watched Remus accept a bottle of Butterbeer from Peter and start greeting party guests around the room. He turned to James and furrowed his eyebrows. “I didn’t know you were planning a party for Remus.”
James nudged him with his elbow and grinned. “I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t tell him, and it was supposed to be a surprise.” The boy had a point, Sirius was terrible at keeping secrets from Remus. The only two he had managed to keep so far were the soulmate marks back in their first year and the fact he was completely in love with him but too afraid to say it.
“I was going to tell Remus I loved him tonight,” Sirius admitted quietly to James.
James practically jumped in place and frantically looked around the room for Remus. “There’s still time Pads! We can find you a secluded place!”
Sirius smiled softly and shook his head. “It’s not the right time James. I think I’ll know when it is.”
“I hope that time is soon.”
Remus joined them again at that moment, catching the last of James’ sentence. “What do you hope is soon?” he asked innocently.
James winked at Sirius before throwing an arm over Remus’ shoulders. “Oh! Pads was just mentioning some decision he was trying to make, don’t worry Moons, you’ll find out soon.
Remus turned away from James and flashed Sirius a breath-taking smile. “Well, if you need help deciding, maybe I can give some insight.”
Sirius found himself helplessly smiling back. “I’ll keep that in mind Moons.”
‘I love you.’
☆ ☆ ☆
+1
In the end, it wasn’t anything special that brought it out of him. It wasn’t a special holiday or a moment he planned down to the minute in his head, but the middle of the night after he had woken up from a bad nightmare.
He didn’t get them as often anymore now that he was sleeping in Remus’ arms, but they were prone to pop up every once in a while and throw him off balance. This time, the dream featured his mother convincing Remus to leave Sirius because he deserved better than some failure as a boyfriend. It was a worry that Sirius sometimes had. He was well aware that Remus was too good for him, but he hated when it was his mother outlining his flaws in front of his love.
It was no surprise that Sirius’ thrashing and whimpering woke the light sleeper Remus up. He was pulled from his own dream by a hand brushing through his waves and quiet shushing sounds. “You’re okay Pads, I’m here for you,” Remus whispered into his ear waiting for him to come back fully to himself.
“Moony,” Sirius whispered clutching tighter to Remus’ sleep shirt. “Moony please don’t leave me.” His mother’s words echoed in his, encouraging Remus to leave him behind and do better.
“I won’t ever leave you, my love, I’m here.”
Sirius warmed at the nickname Remus used for him and he felt a rush of love for him. Blame it on his sleepy mind or the comfort he felt in his boyfriend’s arms, but the moment never felt righter than this. “I love you Moony,” he finally whispered. It felt like a weight had lifted from his chest.
“I love you too, Pads,” Remus said without hesitation. “I love you so much.”
Sirius shifted slightly and pressed his lips to Remus’. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Sirius whispered over and over against his lips, solidifying each one with another peck.
“Sleep my love,” Remus said pressing one last kiss against his lips. “I’ll be here in the morning.”
Sirius closed his eyes, basking in the love Remus showered him with. He had never been more comfortable, happier, or more loved in his entire life. It was the greatest feeling in the entire world.