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The sun was beginning to show signs of rising over the treeline. It’s brightness licked the sky with deep pinks and soft oranges. Night was coming to an end, and Cardan seemed to have fallen asleep.
Jude gazed down at her husband who was slumped over, the majority of his upper body resting on her lap and his left leg dangled off the edge of the roof. Makeup was smeared across his face but it didn’t take away from his beauty. Thick eyelashes fell against his cheeks and the silver paint that had once been drawn in careful patterns were now shadows of what that they once were, their pigmentation washed away in tears onto Jude’s shirt. Cardan was fast asleep but Jude knew it was time to leave the roof.
“Cardan,” Jude whispered, despite it only being the two of them up there. She didn’t know why she whispered but it was quite up there, and disturbing the peace felt wrong. She cleared her throat and tried again with little hope. “Cardan,” she said with more force, her voice cracking through the air. Of course, as she had predicted, it did little to wake the king. She then began poking his cheek, “I swear I will drag you off of here by your scrawny tail if you don't get up!” Her voice was now at a normal level and the harsh words seemed to do the trick. They always did, Cardan seemed to have a thing for it.
His eyelids fluttered open and he managed to slur out a pathetic, “Ugh, I don wanna.” His words were jumbled, but from sleep or alcohol, Jude wasn’t sure. He smiled dumbly up at her and Jude couldn't help but glare back at him.
“Ok, that’s it,” Jude said, before rolling him off of her and onto the side of the roof further from the edge. He tumbled to the side and made no further effort to get up.
“But Jude, I really don’t want to go down yet,” he whined, rolling over onto his back to look up at her. “They're gonna see me like this , ” he whispered this last part as though it was a secret only they could know.
“Cardan when I say everyone has already seen you drunk I mean everyone .”
“You know that's not what I mean .” His voice was still small and she could see his tail nervously wrapping and unwrapping from around his forearm. He pushed himself up into a seated position and wrapped his arms around himself, holding as much of his small frame as he could, as though he was about to unravel.
It was true, while still beautiful, Cardan looked like a mess. There was makeup smeared all over his face distorting his sharp features. It was clear he had been crying, evidenced by the puffy eyes he bore and the streaks that drew clear lines down his cheeks through his makeup. Not only his face, but the robe he was wearing had lost its waistband and hung loosely on his thin frame, making him look small and weak, rather than regal and intimidating as it had before.
The way Cardan cradled his body was also a dead giveaway to the fact that the king was not, in fact, ok. He had managed to sit up and wrapped his arms around his knees, with shoulders sagged down with a weight heavier than many twenty year old monarchs could bear.
Despite all this, his appearance was not what Cardan was referring to, he didn’t want anyone to see him after what had been exposed. After what the imp had shown so many of the guests.
Cardans eyes were squeezed shut in an effort to continue forgetting what happened. If he didn’t remember then it didn’t exist, right? He brought his hands up to his ears and was loosely covering them, not enough to actually block out the sound of the wind softly blowing over the roof, or Jude if she said anything to him. The movement was more a reflex than anything else, a precaution. He could cover his ears if he started hearing something he didn’t want to.
“How much did you see?” Cardan asked, his voice small. He was staring at the ground over his knees, refusing to look at Jude. There was a vulnerability to Cardan that Jude had not seen before. It was as though he was a child seeking comfort in her. Like she was someone who could make all the bad things go away.
He’d trusted her when he fled the hall to put a stop to the imp, and he was trusting her again to tell him it was ok. Maybe it was because of his childhood, never having anyone to rely on, raising himself without the help of a parent. Jude wasn’t sure if he was aware of his sudden reliance on her, and she also wasn’t sure if she would be able to provide for him what he clearly craved and needed, but she would try.
“Cardan,” Jude started, not sure how to phrase it without spooking him. “The images weren’t clear, but we saw…” she trailed off, not even wanting to admit to seeing the king, her husband, so raw and exposed with no mask or cover of his cruelty in sight. No protection. “There was a woman… and she made you uncomfortable, and touched you in inappropriate ways,” Jude said, cringing at her words. She didn’t know how to phrase it. There was more she was going to say about the other images, but before she could get anything out Cardan let out a harsh laugh.
“Hardly anything noteworthy. I’m sure everyone’s had similar happen to them, it wasn’t a big deal and it would be selfish of me to play it off that way,” he scoffed at himself, but despite the bold statement his posture didn’t change and he remained in a defensive hunch, as though hiding from his own words and hers. “Besides,” he said quietly, so Jude had to strain to hear him. “It’s not like she was the only one.”
Jude was shocked at his words. But it dawned on her, just how vulnerable Cardan had been, with no one to take care of him, his crown of thorns and barbed words that he grew himself were his only defense. His siblings didn’t care about him, so what did it matter if a few important beings took advantage of the young prince, someone who would never rule, or at least the most unlikely of any of them to. The last choice that one would only settle for if there were no other options.
Messed up is what it was, Cardan had an ounce of importance to his name. Not so much that he actually held much power when he was younger, but enough to make people interested. Enough for him to be used for his rank and beauty, and others amusement.
“Cardan, it doesn't matter if it’s happened to others. That doesn't make it right, and it definitely doesn’t mean it should have happened. It’s not selfish of you to be upset.”
At these words, to Jude’s surprise, Cardan clamped his hands down over his ears, blocking out what more she could say.
“No,” he said, voice wavering. “It was, that’s all I’m sure of. I know I’m a selfish person Jude. Ok? I’ve seen worse happen to others. The fact that I even still think about it is wrong. I know you know this but the folk are a wicked people, things like this don’t matter to them. It’s not even seen as wrong as long as it doesn’t go too far.”
His eyes remained closed, squeezed tight as his palms pressed firmly against his ears. He looked so small. Jude could hardly see the boy who once bullied her into a miserable existence, only a boy of misery. She carefully stepped toward him and squatted down so she was right in front of him. If he was aware of her presence he made no indication. Gently, she grasped his hands in her own, pulling them away from his ears. At the contact, Cardan harshly flinched, but he peeked open his eyes, peering at her through long lashes and squinted lids before slowly relaxing his hands, letting her place them down by his side before she brought hers back up to cradle his head. His face was still contorted in unpleasant angles but his eyes softened when he realized that Jude was not going to do anything but hold him.
“Cardan, as your wife and a very selfish person myself, I know you are not selfish. Not for this. Nod if you understand,” Jude said, tilting her head down to keep eye contact with him as he tried to look away.
A small hiccup of a sob came out of Cardan and he shakily nodded, finally tearing his eyes away from her.
“There is nothing wrong with you, ok?”
Cardan continued to look at the ground as a tear rolled to the tip of his nose, his breath shaky as he began to panic. What did she mean there was nothing wrong with him? There was nothing right with him, that was for sure.
Jude didn’t know how to comfort people, didn’t have much experience with it but she knew her husband needed her right now.
“Cardan, take a deep breath,” she said, demanding as gently as she could.
His eyes flashed up at her, a look of confusion in them before he quickly looked back down at the ground and slowly drew air into his lungs before releasing it, doing what his wife had asked. It was clear he never expected any of this from her. He was so used to being alone, even when surrounded by others, and her support was confusing him.
Shakely Cardan replied, “Ok.”
He felt weak, as though all the energy had been sucked out from him by their brief conversation, and they had only covered one of the memories that had appeared that night. He didn’t even know what, or how much had been shown. Not to mention what his brother had done to him or the fact that he mentioned that it wasn’t the only time some older fairy had laid their hands on him. At this reminder, of how much more there was, Cardan’s breath began to pick up again, he needed something to make it all go away. That was the point of the alcohol, to make it fade, to make him forget, but no, nothing could ever go his way, he was never in control.
“Cardan, look at me,” Jude said. She could tell she was losing him again. His mind was a trap and it sucked him in faster than she could dig him out. “Hey,” she said softly, grabbing his hand lightly before bringing it up to her chest.
Cardan looked up at her, the tears which were once a slow trickle were now a steady stream down his cheeks. How he managed to produce this many after already having cried that night was a wonder to Jude. His breathing was fast and unsteady, short gasps filling the air, and the eyes that looked back at her were filled with fear, quickly darting to the side as though looking for an escape.
“Look at me,” she repeated. His eyes managed to settle on her. “I want you to follow my breathing.” Jude wasn’t sure if he understood what she was saying but she was just working off what she thought might work. This was definitely more complicated than killing someone. Carefully, Jude began to take slow breaths, modeling what she wanted Cardan to follow.
Cardan tried to follow her breathing, managing a couple of slow breaths before releasing a small and self deprecating laugh. “This is stupid,” he choked out. “I just can’t breathe Jude,” he said, in choked, small gasps.
“Yes you can Cardan, you’re fine.” Cardan managed a glare, ok maybe ‘fine’ wasn’t the right word. She gently squeezed his hand before resuming her controlled breathing. “Just do what I do.” This time, Cardan followed along, seemingly giving up to his wife's stubbornness.
Jude wasn’t sure how long had passed but eventually Cardan’s breaths had smoothed out again, and he slumped over onto her, exhausted. The sun was now a decent way into the sky and the cool, refreshing breeze of the morning was washing over them. She could hear the distant sounds of birds and the orange which had painted the sky had almost all faded. Morning had come and it was time to make the long trek back down the roof.
Most of the kingdom was probably asleep by now and Jude had less reason to worry about anyone coming across the two of them as they made their way back to their room. She had more she wanted to ask Cardan about, and the two of them had more to discuss regarding what the court had seen, but that could wait for another day. For now, Cardan could rest, and so would Jude.
Carefully, Jude removed herself from her husband's relaxed form and did her best to analyze the roof they were on, judging the best way back down with the least chances of catastrophe. How Cardan had managed to get an entire barrel of wine up there was a mystery, and not one Jude was eager to solve. She decided to leave it behind, maybe come back for it later or send someone else to recover it.
There wasn’t much to pick up or move in ways of making the descent accessible so she steeled herself to the task of waking Cardan up from his half state of sleep.
This time, rather than trying to talk him awake, Jude just grabbed him from under the armpits and hauled him to his feet. Luckily, Cardan was very light and Jude had no problem lifting him. Once his feet were planted on the ground and Cardan’s eyes were open again Jude guided him toward the very narrow and dangerous spiral of stairs that lead to their section of roof. It was barely wide enough for the two of them to fit in together and one wrong move could result in a long and unpleasant fall.
Cardan was now moving fully on his own, walking in a haze down the stairs right behind Jude. She liked it like that so if he lost his footing she would be able to catch him. The sun was beginning to cast the warm rays of morning onto them as they descended, drowning them in a warm light.
They briefly paused part way down to gaze out at the kingdom. It was beautiful in the morning, quiet and still, yet with a warmth that was often foreign to the cold beings that lived there. It was rarely seen, for the folk often lived like owls, nocturnal, and sleeping through the day. They said no words to each other to not disturb the peace, or because neither were ready to start talking again lest it lead to another breakdown. That could wait till they both got some rest.
The sun cast a warm glow around Cardan’s face, his dark hair which had deflated throughout the night and early morning reflected back light with a smooth sheen. And despite the disheveled and unraveled being that was the King of Elfhame, he looked majestic, with dark eyes that held both so much and so little in this moment, he was full of life despite his sorrows. And more than that he was Jude’s and Jude was his.
Jude reached behind herself and grabbed Cardan’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze before continuing down the stairs, he followed.
The bottom of the stairs landed on a smooth flower bed on the second floor of the palace. It was in a strange little corner, not quite a courtyard, for it was far too small, but it was more so a corner for decoration. There were stone archways surrounding it and they had to climb onto the rail of the arch which was about waist high to get into the hallway that it was connected to. Once out of the flower bed it was hard to see that there even were stairs leading up due to the angle and the foliage that covered it.
Their room wasn’t far and they began down the hall. Cardan had his arms wrapped around the edges of his robe, holding it together in front of himself. He regretted his decision to throw the waistband off the roof. Luckily, they only passed a few guards, who politely ignored them, knowing he was safe with the queen and offering privacy since he was so clearly disheveled.
After making it to their room and through the door, Cardan stopped just past the doorway. “Jude,” Cardan started. His voice cracked from lack of use and he cleared it, trying again. “I…” he trailed off. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Thank you for being there? I’m sorry I’m such a mess? Neither or both of those things? The words he had thought were necessary a moment ago dried up in his mouth and once again he tore his gaze away from her.
He felt like he should apologize, but he was against apologizing. It made him feel like he was bowing down to someone, and half the time he apologized it was forced upon him. There was also a part of him that felt like this apology would not be appreciated, that Jude would not want him to apologize for any of the events of that night. So instead he stood there in silence, hatting it and hoping that Jude would have something to say to end the moment of awkwardness.
He had never felt so far at a loss of words, every other time he had broken down like that he had been alone, insured he was alone. It was a weakness in him that no one could see, not in a prince and definitely not in a king. But he wasn’t upset that Jude had seen. Or, maybe he was but more so upset with the fact that he had been upset, not because he was against her being there.
No one had ever helped him like that before and it felt weird. The most he got was maybe a pat on the shoulder or a joke thrown his way, courtesy of Locke. But never had he, in the company of another, been able to just sit and cry. To not get punished for it, to not have to hide, just to be there and not be ok. He didn’t know how to feel.
Cardan found himself distracted with the thoughts of the intricacies of his feelings and of Jude. What he was really avoiding was thinking about the imp or the rest of the conversation that he and Jude were inevitably going to have. He knew she would not let it go.
“Cardan,” Jude said, turning around to look at him where he was frozen in the doorway. “We should go to sleep.” That’s all she said, there was nothing more before she began changing out of her dress which she was still in from the party and into her night clothes.
Cardan numbly walked to the bathroom which was attached to their room, he avoided looking at the mirror, knowing he wouldn't like what he would see before beginning the long task of removing his makeup and washing his face. There was no reason to skip his routine.
Finishing up, he let his robe fall from his shoulders and decided the thin pants he wore underneath were enough for sleeping. While he wouldn't skip skincare he had nothing against sleeping in an already comfortable pair of pants meant for wearing underneath what dresses or robes he wore.
He crawled into bed beside Jude, completely drained from the events that night. He was still confused about what had and hadn't happened and about Jude’s reaction to it all. About her helping him and how she seemed not to be upset with him. She both didn’t seem upset that he had fallen apart in front of her or, more shockingly, that he had hidden those parts of his life from her. That, Cardan thought, Jude would be mad about, hiding so much from her after being together for so long. They both told each other so much and so little, they would run in circles of intense love confessing to the most preposterous of things only to stab each other in the back later. But this time, as it seemed so far, Jude didn’t take him not telling her about some events of his past as a betrayal. She didn’t seem to think that it was information that she should have been guaranteed.
This time it was his choice how and when he would share this with her. With that realization a weight was lifted from his chest, he didn’t owe anyone anything. This was his. His to deal with and his to share. And if Jude was there to help him bear the burden then so be it. He would tell her in the morning. He was ready to not be alone.