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Bill couldn't believe how much diapers cost, or that they even had to cost that much. Shouldn't there be some kind of law against charging so much for something essential? It was like Joanna always complained about: tampons should be as free as condoms.
He huffed as he walked down the aisle, only to hear footsteps behind him.
"Hey, Bill," Ted's voice rang out, "I totally just had a thought: What do babies even eat?" Bill turned to see Ted holding up a jar of green sludge, reading the label. "'cause if this is it, dude, then babies have it rough."
"Ted, they're babies," Bill replied. "Babies don't care what they eat. That's why you gotta put locks on the laundry soap or they'll drink it."
"I never drank laundry soap."
"Oh. Uh, yeah, me neither." Ted looked over at Bill and grinned, like he knew that Bill was lying. And he was; his mom left the cupboard open once when he was three and he licked the soap off of the side of the container. Needless to say, it was not a good trip to the hospital.
"So, what's next on the Super Baby List?" Ted asked as he walked over, mindlessly tossing the baby food into their already overflowing cart. Joanna and Elizabeth told them, "Essentials only, boys. Just get everything on the list while we watch the babies. Chips and candies aren't necessary," which was absolutely not true. They never trusted the boys with the shopping, and for good reason, too.
What was a shopping trip without snacks? Sure, the ladies hadn't written it down, but Bill and Ted knew what they were doing. Plus, they couldn't pass up the awesome matching onesies with rocket ships all over. Little Bill and Little Ted might grow out of them soon, but for a short time, they'd look totally excellent.
"What size diapers do we need?" Bill asked, and Ted fished out the shopping list from his pocket.
"Well, it says here," he said, "that we need size 2T." He paused before looking up, "What's 2T?"
"Well..." Bill pursed his lips, thinking. "The two must mean if you have two babies."
"Okay. What about the T?"
"Well, all the diapers say T on them. Maybe it means they’re for tykes." He huffs, "Must be a lotta work if you've gotta get 5T."
"Definitely." Ted looked around before pointing at a big box that said it held over a hundred diapers. "Let's get that one. It's gotta last us forever if it's a hundred diapers." Bill grinned as he nodded, leaning down and grabbing the hefty box by the handle, manoeuvring it onto the bottom of their cart.
"You are truly an excellent thinker, Ted," Bill commented as he got back behind their cart. "Anything else we gotta grab?"
"I don't think so. The ladies said if we could find teethers, get them. But I don't get it. Don't babies grow their own teeth?" Bill laughed out loud.
"The teethers don't grow their teeth, Ted. The babies just chew on them so their mouths don't hurt." He started to push the cart, "I learned that from the baby book Jo and Liz bought."
"Man, I gotta read that thing," Ted said as he followed Bill out of the aisle, heading to the front of the store. "All of you guys are way better at this parent thing than me."
"Hey, Ted, that's not true," Bill said as he slowed down to walk beside him. "Billie and Thea are totally enamoured with you."
"Yeah, but you've got all this...baby knowledge that I'm completely unaware of. I mean, Bill, not to be, y'know, negative, but..." Ted stopped in his tracks, causing Bill to pull the cart to a halt. "I don't think I'm gonna be a good dad, dude."
"Ted, don't say that," Bill said as he turned fully, letting go of the cart to instead put his hands on Ted's shoulders. "You're gonna be a great dad. We both are. Just 'cause we're still figuring it out doesn't mean it's all gonna fall apart. I mean, the girls are only two! There's gonna be so many memories to make. And not all of 'em are gonna be excellent, but some of 'em will be. You just gotta ride the wind."
When Bill felt Ted's shoulders relax, he grinned, giving them a squeeze. Ted smiled back, starting to walk ahead of Bill now so they could queue in line.
Thankfully, they'd gone in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, so the store was relatively empty. Some lady ahead of them was buying a length of rope and a gallon of bleach, and they tried not to assume any heinous conclusions as they loaded their items up to the belt.
"Hello, how are you?" the cashier asked, an older woman with bright brown hair and pink lipstick.
"Excellent, thank you," Bill smiled back. "How're you?"
"Oh, you know." She gestured to the store, "Work."
"Yeah, we totally get it," Ted nodded. "Today's our one day off together and we had to spend it all doing errands."
"Total bogus that they're makin' us force out material, Ted," Bill grumbles. "It's like we're chickens in a coop."
"Yeah. Or pigs in a pen."
Bill laughed, watching the cashier continue to scan items. After a second, he said, "Dude, that kinda sounds like a song, doesn't it?"
"What, the beeping?" Ted pointed to the register, and Bill rolled his eyes.
"No, dude, the chickens and pigs thing! Y'know, that whole stuck-in-a-cage stuff!" After a moment of thought, Ted grinned wide as he nodded.
"Yeah, and it could go with a totally excellent guitar solo in the middle!"
"Oh, man, Jo is gonna sound excellent with her drums!"
"Liz is gonna crush the keyboard!"
Finally, they realised that the beeping had stopped, and they looked over at the cashier. She was watching them with apt attention, the smallest of grins on her face.
"Sorry, ma'am," Ted laughed. "When we get caught in it, we really get caught."
"Yeah," Bill agreed. He turned, only to see the box of diapers on the bottom of their cart, and he reached down and hoisted it up. "Sorry, and this. Can't forget diapers or else the whole place'll smell rank."
"Oh, you two got kids?" she asked as she grappled the box down to the scanner, handing it back after it beeped.
"Yeah, we got two," Ted said. "Wilhelmina Billie S. Logan, and Thea "Theadora" Preston."
"Those are some pretty long names." Ted shrugged as Bill reached into his pocket for his wallet.
"I guess so," he said. "Sometimes, though, I feel like I shoulda given Billie an easier first name than Wilhelmina." Bill rolled his eyes as he counted out the bills, leaning towards the cashier.
"Ted doesn't think he's gonna be a good dad," he says quietly. "I've known him since we were, like, ten, and trust me when I say he's gonna be an excellent father to our kids."
The words fell out of Bill's mouth before he could realise what he was saying, but the cashier shrugged it off like nothing, taking the bills from his hand and counting out his change.
"Thanks, Miss, uh...," Ted leaned to read her nametag, "Jenny! We appreciate your patience with us."
"No problem," she said as they loaded their bags and the diapers back into their cart. "And, uh, Ted, right?" Ted looked up and nodded, "One of the secrets they don't tell you, is that to raise a good kid with someone, you've got to really love that someone." She looked over at Bill, who was busy adjusting the bags. "If you’re with him, you won't have any trouble."
Ted swallowed all the bubbling feelings down his throat as Bill turned to him.
"All set, dude," he grinned, patting the cart's handle. He looked at the cashier, "Thanks for all the help, ma'am."
"No worries, boys, have a good day," she said as she waved them off, Ted following close behind Bill as they beelined for their van.
"So, I was thinking, for the song," Bill started to speak as he slid open the door, "that we start off with a real low bass, kinda like a heartbeat or somethin'. Then, like, Jo comes in on the drums, then Liz on keyboard." Ted stood still as Bill hauled in the bags, continuing on, "Then, and I was thinking this could be your part, we could add the main guitar and make it speed up a bunch 'til it's, like, twice the speed. Megadeth speed."
Ted nodded wordlessly as Bill threw the box of diapers in, sliding the door shut while Ted rolled the cart away to one of the racks nearby. He listened to the van’s engine rev as Bill pressed the gas down. With some semblance of confidence, he took a deep breath and walked back towards the van.
"Let's get moving, dude," Bill said when Ted hopped up into the passenger's seat. "We gotta get home so we can start on that song. Plus, the babes said they were gonna let Billie and Thea play the keyboard, and we gotta see that."
Bill looked over at Ted, expecting his usual dig-through for an old cassette to play in their glove compartment. Instead, he saw Ted twiddling his thumbs.
"Ted, what's wrong?" he asked as he furrowed his brow. Ted opened his mouth, ready to speak, and when he met eyes with Bill, all sense went out the window.
There was very little room to kiss in, not to mention their seats were low and Bill had almost flicked the van into drive with his foot on the gas.
Ted's hands were grabbing either side of Bill's face, to the point where the tips of his fingers were tangled in the strands of Bill's curly hair. A few moments passed that way until Ted pulled his mouth off with a smack, Bill's face falling forwards at the loss of contact.
"Uh...," Ted hummed, still holding onto Bill's face. He tried to fish his mind for an excuse to his actions, when Bill pulled Ted's hands away, took off his seatbelt, and scooted closer so he could kiss Ted properly without the violent grab and sudden suction.
It was warm and welcoming, a serious contrast to Ted's initial approach. He wondered if it was just because Bill was so much more well put together than him, so smart and knowledgeable and skilled. And Ted was just...Ted.
"Dude," Bill said as he pulled away, a breathy smile on his face, "you're an excellent kisser." The shock on Ted's face was momentary, because it was replaced by a fond grin and a nudge.
"You're just sayin' that, dude," he said with a laugh.
"No, dude, seriously! Just like Spinal Tap: out of ten, you're an eleven." Ted laughed at that, shaking his head. Bill was pressed up to his side. "C'mon, let's go. The babes and the girls are waiting."
"Yeah," Ted chuckled. Bill moved back to his seat, rebuckling and slowly backing out of the parking space. "Hey, Bill?"
"Yeah?"
"You're gonna be a great dad to our kids." Bill turned the van and switched the gear, foot on the brake as he looked over.
"You are, too, Ted," he said. "Plus, they can't be our kids without the both of us. It's like that lady was saying, 'If you wanna raise kids with someone, you gotta love 'em.'" Ted huffed a laugh at the fact that Bill had been listening to their little sidebar.
"And you do?" Ted asked hesitantly, looking down before back to Bill. Bill hadn't broken his gaze.
"Ted, of course I love you," he said. "And not like in that way we told our Evil Robot Usses to get out of dying." Ted snorted, the memory feeling so long ago.
"Yeah, I love you, too, Bill," he chuckled as Bill started onto the road, the van bumping their loose bags around. "In a totally non-bogus way."
The van pulled to a stop light, one of the four-way zones that lasted forever. Ted tapped his fingers on his jeans before snapping them with a thought.
"What if we did a key change at the finale?" he said, and Bill looked over with a wide grin.
"And a faster rhythm!" he added, earning Ted's approval with a nod.
"Definitely gonna let Liz and Jo have the stage for making us go shopping today." Bill hummed.
"Yeah, if it wasn't for them, there'd be no song."
"Or band."
"Or family."
A silence fell between them.
"We should get them something," Bill said. Ted nodded, already thinking about how much new instruments would cost at Guitar Center.
He took a deep breath before nodding, "Yeah. They definitely deserve it."