Archive of Our Own ^beta

Now

I remember the day I decided Orion Lake needed to die like it was yesterday. Isn’t it ironic that now that it’s happened I feel like a large chunk of me died along with him? I can’t breathe the same since that day, as if my lungs themselves resent that he’s gone. I want to be mad about it, I want to hate him for burrowing himself so deep into my life just so he could tear it to pieces, for making me love him. I want to be mad about so many things but the tears that are spilling out of my eyes are not made of anger.

Mum says I need closure. Gwen Higgins is a fierce advocate for feeling your feelings and letting them take their course, but still, she insisted that I need to put Orion to rest if I want any chance of living the rest of my life with some resemblance of peace. She’s the one who suggested I come here today, not exactly here, but somewhere close; I was the one who chose this wretched place in the woods where I was taken to the Scholomance and then spat out into the world again four years later, the place where I started my pathway to this life I can’t bring myself to live. She told me to take the one tangible thing I still have of him, the stupid New York shirt he gave me, and bury it.

I came here determined to do it, I even knelt on the forest ground and dug a hole with one of Mum’s small gardening shovels. But right now, as I watch my own hands close into fists, gripping the soft cotton fabric, the glittery print twinkling in the weak sunlight that escapes through the branches above… I don’t think I can do it.

And what good would it make anyhow? I ask myself, bringing the shirt to my face, using it to stifle the sobs that won’t stop coming. Mum means well, but the truth is no arbitrary closure ceremony can help me put Orion to rest. Funerals and burials are solely so people can finally believe their loved ones are truly gone, but my grief isn’t remotely tinted by denial, how could it be when I killed him myself?

Five Months Earlier

I woke before dawn, just as I had been doing for the past three months. Mum was still slumbering in her own twin bed, yet she looked tense, mouth taut and brow slightly furrowed, as if she couldn’t shake her worries even in her sleep. I did not look at her for long, it only made me feel worse since I knew I was the reason for her unhappiness, the daughter she had spent so much time wishing would come home, but only brought pain with her.

She wasn’t the only one who was having a troubled sleep; I longed for the days when I hadn’t been able to remember my dreams because I was now constantly haunted by portals that swallowed me, horrible laughs that sounded like a death omen, monsters that didn’t stay gone, and gates that wouldn’t open.

Grabbing my clothes in the dark – carefully, since every shadow still looked like maleficaria to me – I got dressed in my running gear with the nightmare still throbbing in my mind like a wound that refused to close. I tried to reach my ratty second-hand sneakers from where I kept them under the bed, but only managed to find the left shoe, then I saw the faint silhouette of the right pair moving through the floor, accompanied by two tiny mana-bright eyes that shone like a beacon. I sighed.

“You can’t stop me from going,” I whispered to Precious, as I wrestled my shoe from her small, sharp teeth. She put up quite a fight, and I was scared she would wake Mum with her protestant squeaks, but Mum was tired enough to sleep through them. I managed to remove the mouse from my shoelaces and gave her a mana-infused raspberry as an apology that she completely ignored, biting my finger instead. It was a standard part of my routine now, so I barely registered the sharp pain, and simply dabbed a little of Mum’s healing balm on it, knowing the cut would be closed by the time I was back a couple of hours later.

Before going out the door, I did my usual rounds of revealing spells to make sure I wasn’t leaving Mum in the unwanted company of monsters. I hadn’t seen any mals since graduation, but it didn’t stop the ice-cold panic from gripping my throat every time I entered a room or heard an unexpected noise. I hadn’t been able to shed the habit of walking around with the crystal around my neck in a tight grip so I would be able to cast at a moment’s notice, or of closely inspecting everything I ate, even if I had seen Mum preparing it. I cursed myself for all of it, I had spent my whole four years at the Scholomance so I could be safe afterward, and because of the honeypot, we had achieved a level of security unheard of in wizard history; yet it still seemed like I would never feel safe again.

Once I was certain there was nothing bad inside the yurt, I cast a light shield spell and a trip-alarm so Mum wouldn’t be caught by surprise in case something came for her. Doing a ten-second meditation to try and convince myself she was safe, I turned towards the trail on the north side of the commune.

 I did not bother to stretch before I started running, the extra pain in my muscles would only increase the amount of mana I made. Mum kept warning me it was bad for my knees, but it was a problem that would only come to be years from now, and I had several more pressing concerns, like coming up with a plan to rip a hole into the world so I could drag Orion out of the void, a task that seemed to get more impossible by each second that I didn’t accomplish it.

The months of delay certainly weren’t for a lack of trying. I had been studying relentlessly for the past months, going through the Sutras as fast as I could, wishing that a miraculous spell would appear the next time I turned the page. I had already reached the spell that made a passageway to the void, but it would not do.

The one thing I had gotten out of the enclavers after that disastrous London meeting was the physical location of the Scholomance gates, Domina McIntosh, of London, had even arranged for me to visit it – I didn’t know, or care, if it had been out of pity, fear that I would start sucking them dry and destroying the world in a murderous vengeful rage in my grief for Orion, or if they had needed someone to assess the damage and would rather risk me than one of their own. Mum had accompanied me to the small island near the coast of Liverpool along with two indies that worked as sentries for London.

It was a small, rocky thing; I didn’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t that. In my anxious state, I didn’t notice the smell until Mum and the sentries gagged at it. It was absolutely vile, even worse than I remembered it from the time I had touched the gates from the inside and thought the entrance was located in a sewer. The enclavers had warned us of it, though, explaining that it was a side effect of the mundane repelling spell. Yet when we docked the small boat, I saw that there were new sources to the repugnant scent of death and decay. The birds were the first thing I noticed, they were all over the small island, and I realized they were scavenging; a few maleficaria corpses lay scattered, mostly the small ones, and I assumed they had either been injured by Orion or trampled by the others in their desperation to escape the crumbling school. As we walked closer to the great iron gates, avoiding the piles of putrescent maleficaria, I recognized other remains, they littered the ground everywhere, and judging by how old they looked, they had probably died while bashing the wards in an attempt to breach them. I was standing over several decades of dead monsters.

The most frightening part of the experience was that my first thought upon that realization was Aadhya could repurpose a lot of this, and I was instantly horrified by it; not at myself for thinking it but at the world I had grown up in, a world so cruel it had desensitized me to the point where I was in a nightmarish situation and could only think of how it could help me survive.

I wanted to take a deep breath, but the smell did not allow it, instead, I counted to ten in my head trying to remember that I wasn’t inside the Scholomance anymore. I was out and the mals were gone. It brought me back to what I should be doing anyway, and I approached the gates. The little hope I had managed to maintain drained out of me as soon as I touched it. The entrance was gone. I had assumed the pathway to the void would still be open, that the destruction spell had only severed the building from it instead of sealing it off. My vision blurred with unshed tears.

No one knows much about how the void works, or even what it is. There is a lot of new publications on the subject every year, but they’re all hypotheses with no empirical evidence to back them up. Some refer to it as another dimension, but it is more like another space with its own dimensions. There are several theories about how it has more dimensions than our space, but our little 3D-trained brains cannot perceive it just like we cannot perceive the others in our own space – assuming mundanes are right in their little string theory. What we do know is that there’s no equivalency of the void to this world or, at least, none that we can understand or predict, which means that even if I managed to open a portal where the other one had been, even half a millimeter of difference could mean I ended up light-years away from the Scholomance.

I would have lost all hope right then if Mum hadn’t come to my side and said, “it’s still there, can you feel it?” so I pushed my own misery aside, closed my eyes, and tried to feel what she was talking about. It was almost imperceptible, and if I hadn’t recently spent four years inside the void, I doubted I would have been able to sense it. It felt like the void, which was weird because I hadn’t realized the void felt like anything until that moment. It was like the spell had sewed the passage back together but had left a hanging thread. I needed to find a way to pull that thread and reopen the portal instead of making a new one.

No one I knew had ever heard of a spell for that, but it didn’t mean there wasn’t one, and I was determined to find it. I studied restlessly but, even then, a little unhelpful part of my brain insisted Orion was gone. My only answer to it was to study harder, to bury myself in that frenzied hope to avoid the excruciating feeling that crept over me like a thundering cloud every time I stopped.

And I wasn’t the only one spending my newfound freedom chasing a mad endeavor. Chloe was going through the New York library – the parts where she was allowed into – as fast as she could in the hopes of finding some information that would help me rescue Orion. Alfie and a reluctant Liesel were doing the same in London. Aadhya, who had been invited into Dubai two weeks after graduation because the news of the sirenspider lute’s role in the school’s demise had caught like wildfire in the wizard gossip chain, did not have much free time because she was working her ass off in their workshop, but still found some to comb through the little information she had free access to. Liu’s family had a small collection of wizard texts and books that she was researching, she had also recruited Yuyan to the cause, who was now inconspicuously making use of Shanghai’s library and helping the others – myself included – with translations of possibly useful texts.

My friends’ research had yet to prove itself fruitful in any way, but I still found it helpful if only because it kept the feeling of crushing loneliness at bay.

I was thinking about them during my run when I felt it. The best way I could describe it is an earthquake, even though I had never experienced such a strong one and I did not feel it with any of my usual five senses, it was more like my magic trembled. I turned around and ran back to the yurt as fast as I could without a sprinting spell, fearing that whatever had caused such a huge magical event was an immediate danger to Mum.

I found her outside, camisole covered with an inside-out cardigan, long, blond hair messy, and a location spell in her hands, clearly on her way to protect me. “What was that?” I asked, trying to catch my breath.

Mum caught me by the shoulders and did a nervous once-over to determine if I was unharmed by the strange phenomenon. Once she was convinced that I was okay she pulled me into a hug. “I don’t know,” she replied against my chest.

After Mum calmed down, we took turns with the one mobile phone we now possessed, we messaged our wizard friends trying to determine if the earthquake – we were calling it that for lack of a better term – had been local or not. We soon discovered that it had been felt all over Great Britain, and even by some on the northern coast of France. Alfie also informed us that London had hired a group of indies to investigate.

It only took them a couple of days to track the epicenter of the magical earthquake, as I found out when a strange number called and I picked up, just to find a nervous Liesel on the other end. “They found him,” she said, not bothering with greetings.

My whole body froze at her words, there was only one him that came to mind, yet I didn’t let myself believe it because I didn’t think I could handle another disappointment. “What?” I asked, voice quivering despite my efforts to keep it steady.

“Orion!” She said impatiently, “they found him at the Scholomance island.”

“Is he…?”

“He’s alive but in some kind of mana-induced trance, no one touched him. New York is sending a crew for extraction as we speak, they claimed jurisdiction as soon as he was identified. No one is supposed to know about this yet, so you didn’t hear it from me, okay? I gotta go, the mundane is asking for her phone back.” Then silence.

Orion.

I hadn’t cried since my first few moments back in the real world, before Mum had calmed me enough that I stopped being desperately sad about what had happened by the graduation gates and started planning to undo it, but half an hour after Liesel’s clandestine call, Mum found me sitting on the floor and crying my eyes out.

I managed to tell her about Orion in between sobs, and she hugged me. It was only when her small, plump arms were around me and squeezing with even more might than I was used to, that I noticed Mum was crying too, but unlike my relieved tears, hers were still sad. That was when I remembered the note she had sent me senior year, I hadn’t thought about it since my first night back, but once again I chose to ignore it; Orion was back and the only thing that mattered now was finding a way to get to him.

Chloe, I thought disentangling myself from Mum, then grabbed the phone that was still on the ground where I had left it and blinked away my tears so I could see the screen properly and started typing.

Tell me how he is, I wrote, then belatedly added, please.

The messaging app flashed the sign that the text had been delivered, and I waited for the one that told me she had read it. It did not come.

Mum managed to convince me to help her with the garden to keep me from obsessively checking the phone for Chloe’s response. Out of all of my friends, she was always the quickest to reply to messages, and I couldn’t believe she had chosen this time to be away from her phone. Then it dawned on me, she wasn’t just away from her phone, they were probably keeping it from her. Orion’s return was a secret New York – and London – were trying to keep so fiercely that Liesel had felt the need to call me from a stranger’s phone to avoid having the information leak being traced back to her. Ophelia Rhys-Lake, now the Domina of New York, knew Chloe and I were friends and would probably do everything in her power to keep her from reaching out to me.

My fears were confirmed when the next day the phone pinged not with a text message, but with an e-mail. He’s here, still unconscious but he’ll be okay, Chloe had written, probably from someone else’s computer, and went radio silent again.

It drove me crazy, knowing he was back and not being able to get access to him. I didn’t have any other contacts inside the New York enclave besides Chloe, and if they were keeping her from reaching me, I had no way of even pleading my case, of trying to convince them to let me see him.

I could, of course, take a nice gulp of the mana I had been building to my now-unnecessary rescue mission and use it in another rescue. However even as I considered the possibility, I knew it was unlikely, because either I would die trying to break into the most powerful enclave in the world or I would have to kill someone – or several someones – to get away with it. Even if by some miracle I pulled an Orion-stealing heist with no casualties, I had no idea in which state he was in was after all that time in the void. Mum was a hell of a healer, but even her care wouldn’t compare to those of several competent healers with enclave resources behind them, and I couldn’t risk putting Orion in danger, but it didn’t mean I didn’t obsessively try to find a way.

After a week of searching for an answer to that particularly painful conundrum, I was put out of my misery when the phone rang. My heart almost leaped out of my mouth when I saw Chloe’s name flashing on the screen.

“El?” She asked as soon as I picked up, not waiting for my greeting.

“Chloe, where the hell have you been?” I demanded; I would have screamed if I wasn’t on the brink of hyperventilating. “What is happening? How is Orion?”

“I, uh, have been caught up in some stuff,” she replied, voice stiff and strained, which was when it occurred to me that Chloe Rasmussen was a horrible liar. “Orion is much better, would you like to come and visit him? I’m sure he would appreciate it.”

I inhaled, trying to contain the dozen different emotions rising in my chest. “Chloe, I know his mother is listening in on this, so could you put her on the line?”

“What do you…” She started, then I heard some muffled voices and she said, “okay.”

There were some shuffling noises that I imagined were them turning off the speakerphone and Ophelia picking it up. A horribly familiar voice said, “Domina Rhys-Lake speaking.” It brought me right back to that first day after graduation when I had contacted her to try and convince her to help me get Orion back from the void, she had answered the phone the same way.

I cut right to the chase. “Why do you want me to go see Orion now?” I bit out, unable to control my tone. I doubted this miraculous invitation was coming from the good of their hearts.

Ophelia, apparently, wasn’t one to waste her time trying to lie to someone who would never believe her. “Orion is making great progress… physically, however, the healers are worried about his psyche.”

“And where do I come in in that?”

“He’s been demanding to see you ever since he was lucid – even before that if I’m being honest. We believe your presence would increase his chances of recovering.”

“So, you’re inviting me to your enclave?”

“I know what you think of me, Galadriel, you believe me insensitive and heartless, but I don’t care what you believe. I love my son, and if the price of having him back is to let you into our home, I’ll pay it.”

“We don’t have a way to get there.” Was my subtle way of implying my Mum would be tagging along. I knew she hated enclaves, but she’d hate even more to let me enter a den of vipers on my own; it would also be convenient to have the true north of my moral compass by my side, even if I was quite confident that I wouldn’t murder anyone in cold blood, not even New York enclavers.

I also really did not want to do it alone.

“I’ll have a car pick you up in the morning, the plane is already arranged.” It was hard not to be offended by her confidence that I would have said yes.

“No transatlantic door?” I asked, partly due to curiosity, but also to the unexpected uneasy feeling in my stomach at the thought of flying, which I considered incredibly stupid on my part because a person who had faced two maw-mouths alone couldn’t possibly be afraid of flying.

“Orion’s situation isn’t public knowledge. McIntosh knows he’s here but I’m keeping everything else as quiet as I can.” It was a good explanation, but what went unsaid was that having me over sent out a – completely wrong – message that I was finally considering taking my place in New York, and with Orion back, the both of us in one enclave were bound to make others feel threatened, and since people had yet to find out what had happened to make Bangkok disappear, enclave politics were a mess. A dangerous mess.

I didn’t particularly care if the enclaves set off in a mutually destructive war, but I did not want Orion – or myself – to be included in it.

“We’ll be ready.”

I never doubted Ophelia’s word, but it still felt like somewhat of a surprise when a huge black SUV parked right beside the yurt. It felt surreal, like some sort of fever dream where I could wake up any second and I would still have no way of seeing Orion, or worse yet, he would still be missing.

The feeling of detachment from reality persisted during our whole drive and plane ride – to no one’s surprise, New York had a private jet – even when I tried to ground myself by focusing on all the small details that surrounded me. The way Mum reached for me frequently for mutual reassurance, the way the two sentries New York had sent to accompany us looked reverently at the great Gwen Higgins, the way they looked nervously at me. The way the leather seats felt beneath my fingers as I gripped them, and then inside the plane how my stomach dropped at takeoff and the popping of my ears as my body rejected the pressure change.

It was a good strategy because I managed to arrive in the New York enclave without completely freaking out, even as my heart beat increasingly faster as we made our way from JFK to it.

Having already been to the London enclave during my desperate meeting with Ophelia right after graduation, I thought I knew what to expect from New York. I was absolutely wrong because while London was all tradition and antiques, New York seemed to keep up with all the mundane trends and technologies, as I discovered when we entered the tall, luxurious building in central Manhattan.

I prepared to make my way to one of the four elevators that were right ahead, but our two taciturn companions led us to one to the left instead. It had gone unnoticed to me even when I had looked around, noticing the expensive marble of the floor and the enormous chandelier dangling from the high ceiling, and only when we approached the shiny metal doors of the inconspicuous elevator did I realize it was cloaked with a hiding spell. If I – or any other wizard – had taken the time to explore the entirety of the lobby, I would have probably found it, but mundanes wouldn’t have seen it even if they banged their heads against it.

There was no button in sight, but the doors opened as soon as the older woman approached them. We all hopped in for what I was sure was going to be a hell of an awkward elevator ride, but I did not give a single fuck about it because my mouth was dry, and my heart was beating so hard and fast it was a miracle they weren’t hearing it in the silent, enclosed space.

I, after three hellish months, was going to see Orion.

Mum, as empathetic as she was, noticed the sudden increase to my already high panic and reached for my hand. I tried to concentrate only on that small contact to ground me and prevent the panic attack from rising on my chest. He’s here, he’s okay, I’ll see him again, I told myself, but it did nothing to quench my anxiety, it actually skyrocketed again as soon as I felt a slight shift in my guts and realized it was the moment we had entered the void.

The lobby for the actual enclave was even more luxurious and impressive than the one from the mundane façade, but I did not have time to take a good look at it because barely a second after the elevator doors opened, a whirl of blonde hair came towards me, making me drop my bag in surprise. Chloe hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry, I tried to contact you,” she whispered in my ear, so quiet it was impossible for anyone else to hear.

“I know,” I said, squeezing her back, concentrating on the tropical scent of her shampoo to avoid letting out the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” She pulled back and smiled, but there was still something off about her demeanor, something that did not match the girl who managed to be optimistic even inside the Scholomance, and I wondered what they had put her through just for being my friend.

Right behind her was Ophelia Rhys-Lake, closely followed by what looked like her bodyguards, two scrawny women that no mundane would have ever regarded as bodyguards with just one look, but the physical force wasn’t important when you were using defensive magic, and the defense runes tattooed on their hands – with mana-infused ink, I was sure – were a dead giveaway to anyone with magical knowledge. “Galadriel,” she said and nodded as a greeting.

For a second, I was transported back to that day in the London enclave when she had refused to help me get Orion back. She had the same rigid posture and stern expression, but when I looked a little more closely, she seemed to have aged half a decade in three months; her cheeks were hollowed out from a loss of weight, which made her beaky nose even more pronounced, there were dark, deep shadows beneath her eyes, and the worry wrinkle on her forehead seemed to be a permanent feature now. I wondered if it was a consequence of political matters or losing her son.

Too overwhelmed to even shoot her a baleful look, much less return the greeting, I just stood there, frozen. Fortunately, Mum was still a fully functioning human being and went on to receive the not-so-warm welcome. Chloe stayed by my side and even put a hand on my shoulder to show support. It seemed odd to have it there, even after everything I had been through, it still felt weird to have a friend. “You’ll be staying with me and my parents. Do you want to settle in first or see him?” She asked, then realized what she had just said and shook her head. “Never mind, you must want to see him.”

I nodded. “Did you?”

She made an unreadable face, another first for Chloe because she usually wore her heart on her sleeve. “Yes, he… he looks okay.”

Looks not is. The difference did not go unnoticed and only contributed to my ever-growing apprehension. It did not matter now, though, I needed to see him, it was insane that I wasn’t already by his side, and just as I was about to point that out, Mum and the Domina turned back to me. “He’s expecting you,” Ophelia said. I could only nod and follow her when she started walking to one of the multiple corridors that led out of the lobby. Mum assumed her place beside me, and I walked flanked by her and Chloe.

I knew New York was big, but I only began to comprehend how much while Ophelia led us through it. The wing we navigated was dedicated to healing and some other types of lab-work judging by the big yellow signs stamped on most of the doors. We walked for almost ten minutes, making several turns throughout the way, to the point where I suspected Ophelia was making us walk in circles on purpose to avoid showing us the correct layout of her precious enclave. All the gray and white walls and doors looked the same to me, so I had no way of knowing for sure if it was the case.

After the seemingly endless walk, we stopped by one that showed a completely different sign. Do not enter, was written in big bold letters, their crisp whiteness in stark contrast with the blood-red background. The mere sight would have worried me, but it was only intensified when I felt all the protection spells on the door. Were they trying to keep him in or everyone else out? I guessed I was about to find out.

“Is it safe?” Mum asked as the Domina handed me a spelled badge and lanyard with the word visitor printed on it, no doubt to give me access to the room.

“Yes,” Ophelia answered, but her voice was hard.

“It’s fine, Mum.” I tried to keep my voice steady to reassure her while I accepted the lanyard, which was hard because the reality that had already been overwhelming was now almost paralyzing. He was just behind that door.

Before any of them could volunteer to go in with me, I opened said door and quickly closed it behind me, muting Precious’s angry squeaks that were coming from the enclosed cup hanging from Mum’s shoulder. I had been the one wearing it when we’d left the yurt, but I’d kept fidgeting with the shoulder strap in my inquietude, much to Precious’s displeasure, so Mum had taken the poor mouse from me to give her some peace.

The first word that came to mind when I saw Orion’s quarters was cell, closely followed by psychiatric hospital. It was all white and bare, and I wondered why the enclave had something like that in their healing wing, or if they might have built it for him. It was just a passing thought because as soon as I saw him, everything else vanished from my mind. “Orion,” his name escaped my lips and he looked up from where he was sitting on the floor by the cot.

He looked stunned, eyes wide. “El?” He asked in a tentative voice like he awaited for me to vanish at any second. Ophelia had lied, he wasn’t expecting me, they hadn’t let him know I was coming. It would have made me angry, because all the little information I had gathered about his well-being indicated he wasn’t in a good mental state, and the shock could only be harmful, but there was no space for that specific anger inside of me then because the sight of him brought forth several emotions, many of them conflicting, and I could hardly breathe.

I was relieved to be seeing him, elated that he had not succumbed to Patience and died an infinite, painful death; I was also suddenly so mad at him because every single horrible thing that had happened to the both of us in the aftermath of graduation had been his choice. I opened my mouth to say something, maybe Lake, you absolute wanker, or I love you too, but only a sob came out.

Once he was at least half-convinced that I was real, Orion practically jumped up from his place on the floor and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe as my sobs intensified. It was like an out-of-body experience, my brain couldn’t process what my senses were telling it because it felt utterly impossible. I tried to ground myself to feel him all around me. Whole and warm. Alive.

After who knows how much time passed, he finally released me, keeping his hands on my arms, as if he was still making sure I wasn’t some type of hallucination. I took the chance to properly look at him; Orion seemed like he hadn’t slept in the week he had been back, his skin was even paler than I remembered and the purple beneath his eyes was so deep it looked like a fresh bruise, and that was nothing compared to the utter tortured disorientation in his eyes, like the entire world around him was some type of scary novelty he couldn’t make sense of. And it was all even more startling due to the incongruence with the rest of his appearance because physically he seemed normal. The same tall, lanky yet muscular boy he’d been the last time I’d seen him, which he had no place being after over three months inside the void alone.

I had so many questions to ask him. I wanted to know how he had survived the horde, including Patience, how he had survived without food and water and all the other basic needs he couldn’t have fulfilled in a school crawling with mals in every corner, how he had finally gotten out. However, instead of how, I asked why.

“Why did you do that?” I demanded; voice too shaky to scream, all the emotions I had bottled up while focusing on my quest to save him finally reaching the surface. “You said you…” I took a deep breath, tears were starting to come back to my eyes, and I had too much pride to cry about that in front of him, so I backtracked. “You said that, and proceeded to give up on your entire future, including me.”

I expected at least some remorse to make an appearance on his face, but Orion only shook his head, looking more lost than ever. “El, I… I don’t remember what I said. I don’t even remember being in the void.”

It was a shocking enough affirmation to slow the approach of my long-due meltdown. “What do you mean you don’t remember? You were gone for months.”

He grimaced, letting his hands fall from my arms. “I know, but the last thing I remember is standing in the graduation hall waiting for the mals to start coming. Then I woke up here.”

He doesn’t remember saying he loved me, I thought, and it hurt. It was stupid, so damn stupid, for me to be upset about that, not when Orion was alive and safe. It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t remember it, because it didn’t even mean he didn’t love me, he had probably been in love with me for quite a while judging by the conversation we had had in the gym after our first time. It shouldn’t matter at all, but it still did. Even I wasn’t petty enough to dwell on it, though, at least not right then.

“Why are they keeping you here?” I changed the subject, even if not to an easier one.

 “They said I had mana poisoning, they had to siphon some of it out to bring me back,” he murmured, looking away from me. “I… my mom said I got violent before coming back to myself. I don’t remember any of it.”

The mana poisoning wasn’t a surprise, he would have killed so many maleficaria inside that cursed place, and with no one there to help drain it out of the reservoir he’d been linked to, he’d have no way of purging it except for spells, but the spells would kill even more mals and it would end up being counterproductive. He had spent three months like that, three months that were unaccounted for in his memory. The whole thing made my guts twist in dread, even if I didn’t know what I was dreading.

Maybe I was fearing for him in retrospect because there wasn’t one single scenario that I could imagine in which a half-unconscious wizard full of a thousand times the average mana hadn’t become an open buffet for the horde of maleficaria. Unless he was the resident apex predator and none of the mals had dared to prey upon him. The thought was as startling as it sounded true in my head.

“It doesn’t matter, you’ll be okay, Mum’s here and she can set anyone right. Even me,” I said and laughed humorlessly.

He looked back up at me. “You are here, I never thought you’d set foot in this place.”

“Well.” I frowned. “I had to, because I didn’t want to leave your sorry arse alone in here, and I’m staying until you are well enough to leave with me.”

For the first time since I’d arrived – possibly for the first time since coming back from the void – Orion smiled. It was small and tentative, but it was there, and it was enough for me to do something I’d spent months fearing I would never get to do again.

I kissed him.

However, as soon as our lips touched, something bright flashed above us, and I recognized a diagnostic spell – something so specific and complicated only affinity healers learn and only after the Scholomance. I had never seen one, Mum’s affinity is so strong she can diagnose people without it, and she was the only healer I knew. I had no idea how to read it, but the angry red didn’t seem good. The flashing was closely followed by Ophelia Rhys-Lake’s disembodied voice that seemed to come from all corners of the room at the same time.

“It’s time to come out, Galadriel,” she said in a tone that left little – if any – space for questioning.

Orion didn’t open his eyes and looked like he was in physical pain. I squeezed his hand. “I’ll be back.” I waited for him to nod before I could leave. He didn’t. “I’ll be back,” I repeated.

I tried to keep it together, but as soon as I walked out the door, Mum was knowingly waiting for me with open arms and all I could do was let myself be hugged and ask, “help him.”

“I will, my darling, I will.”

I did not have many references for living quarters, having spent my whole life either in a one-room yurt or my cell in the Scholomance, but I knew at first sight that the Rasmussen’s apartment in the enclave was huge. The entrance hall led to an open floor space that was divided into a living room, dining room, and kitchen. At least a dozen commune yurts would have fit there. The decoration was tasteful in several earth tones with a pop of color here and there, it looked like something out of the design magazines I had flipped through when Mum used to take me to the mundane dentist; except it looked homey and cozy.

Or maybe that was just my first impression because we found Chloe’s parents sitting on the living room carpet playing with a toddler that looked like Chloe’s miniature version. I hadn’t known she had a baby brother and felt bad for having never asked about her family aside from their position in the enclave.

“Oh, you’re here,” Mrs. Rasmussen said, getting up from the floor. She gave us a friendly – if slightly strained – smile and went deep into hostess mode by introducing us to the rest of her family – the little boy was named David – and every room in the apartment. I was still too stunned by the whole experience of being inside New York and seeing Orion, so I left the conversation and pleasantries to Mum, who, despite the exhaustion and jet lag, still managed to be polite and charming while meeting new people.

After the tour was completed, she left us to get settled in Chloe’s room while she organized brunch. The place was just as I had expected, it looked half art gallery and half craft store, with paintings and sculptures all over it along with art supplies, but they all looked like they were from her pre-Scholomance time. There was also a four-poster bed with green and pink curtains – Mum and I would be sharing it because Chloe insisted on sleeping on a spare mattress on the floor.

“Would you mind if I took a shower, sweetie?” Mum asked Chloe, who proceeded to grab towels and show her to the bathroom with instructions on how to control the water temperature. I took the opportunity to sit on the soft bed and take ten deep breaths in hope that when I was done things wouldn’t feel so overwhelming.

Somehow, I lost track of my breaths and only snapped out of it when Chloe put her hand on my shoulder and asked, “are you okay?” I looked up to see her sitting by my side with a concerned expression. I searched for Mum, but she was nowhere in sight, the soft sound of running water coming from the bathroom.

For a second, I meant to nod, but lying felt pointless and I shook my head instead. “When have you been to see him?”

“I went when he arrived, but he didn’t recognize me, and my parents wouldn’t let me back in after…” She grimaced and absentmindedly touched her left wrist. There was a bruise there; it looked old in its yellowish tone, but I knew they would have treated it, and if there was still some left, the bruising must have been deep. I wanted to throw up just by looking at it.

“Did he hurt you?” I choked out.

“He wasn’t himself,” Chloe said, shaking her head. “Get settled in, take a nap if you want, I’ll go help my mom with brunch.” And she left before I could ask anything else.

When I’d accepted Ophelia’s invitation to New York, I hadn’t known how much time we would spend there, but I never expected it to be months. And it wasn’t even my presence that required us to stay that long, Mum was being true to her promise and was thoroughly involved in Orion’s recovery, whereas I couldn’t be farther away from it.

All the healers, including Mum, agreed that any ‘strong emotions’ would be detrimental to his progress. I trusted Mum, even if not being included in the process was maddening. So, after that first day, I only saw Orion twice, in short, supervised visits that were a slow, subtle form of torture. I thought it would be just awkward, to go to his room and try to come up with something to talk about while a healer sat in a chair in the corner watching us like lab rats, yet the awkwardness never came, buried deep under my worry. Orion was right there and still felt out of reach – and it had nothing to do with the no-touching rule.

To occupy me and avoid getting too stir-crazy cooped up inside the odious enclave, I spent most of my time studying the Sutras or with Chloe. She was taking a gap year after the Scholomance before starting a two-year program in NYAA and her junior job in the enclave labs.

During yet another unproductive study session, I looked up from my notes. “How much of a prisoner am I?” I asked Chloe, who was sitting on the floor, nose scrunched up in concentration as she painted her toenails with bright, cherry-pink polish. The chemical smell was stifling in the poorly ventilated room.

She looked up. “What do you mean?”

“If I – we – wanted to go out, could we?”

“Do you want to go out?” She asked in a small voice.

I didn’t. “I think it might be good for the both of us.”

She turned her attention back to her nails, finishing the last two toes and murmuring a one-word German spell to dry them before answering me. “I haven’t gone out yet, not since I came back. But we can try.”

That surprised me. I hadn’t thought much about how Chloe would be spending the time she wasn’t dedicating to help with my research when Orion was still missing, but if I had, I’d have bet on shopping sprees and museum visits. I looked around at all the abandoned art projects on her desk, pushed aside to give me space to work.

Enclave kids weren’t as traumatized by the delightful Scholomance experience as the rest of us, but it didn’t mean they weren’t traumatized at all. It was no wonder Chloe would rather stay in her home, the place she felt the safest in the world.

“We can try,” I agreed.

“Just don’t expect me to be one of those street-smart New Yorkers, I only went out with nannies or my parents before leaving for school.”

“I won’t. Promise,” I said, and found myself smiling.

She smiled back. “Okay, then I promise to take you to the best places in the city.”

Chloe was true to her promise and led me on various types of outings in the city, which were absolutely terrifying because we were still paranoid and jumpy – me more so than Chloe – expecting every sound to be a threat, and there were a lot of sounds in New York City. However, when we managed not to freak out, it was even a little fun.

It was after one of those outings – an awful off-Broadway musical – that we came back to find all the adults in Chloe’s living room waiting for us. The sight of Orion’s parents there would have been frightening if Ophelia wasn’t smiling. It was the first time I was seeing such a positive expression on her face.

“Is there a problem?” Chloe asked while hanging our coats in the closet near the door – my (badly) home-crocheted one contrasting with her designer piece.

“Not at all,” Mr. Lake said, “Orion will be released tomorrow.”

I instinctively looked over to Mum for confirmation, which she gave me by the way of a curt nod, her face tense as she watched me. Mum hadn’t brought up the note she had sent to warn me to stay away from Orion back at school, but whatever the reason she’d had to do it was still very much there, judging by her expression. It worried me, but I’d made my decision back at school and I would stick by it.

“Can I see him?”

“Yes,” the Domina said, still smiling. “However, he is still under observation, so many of the same rules apply.”

Mrs. Rasmussen squirmed in her seat before asking, “why is he being released if he isn’t properly well yet?”

“Orion has made incredible progress since his return,” Ophelia argued, using what I’d come to think as her ‘Domina’s voice.’

Mr. Lake put one hand on his wife’s knee and squeezed in a soothing gesture then added, “We also think it will be helpful for him to be in his home.”

I knew nothing good would come of me telling them Orion had never properly seen this enclave and their place as home, so I kept quiet about that, saying, instead, “what time should I be there?”

“We’ll be waiting for you at four.”

After a restless night of almost no sleep and half a day of Chloe fruitlessly trying to distract me, she finally accompanied me to the Lake’s apartment at a quarter to four because I couldn’t wait any longer. “I’ll see you later,” she said and left before I could ring the bell. I was too nervous to ask her to stay.

Unexpectedly, Orion himself answered the door. “El,” he greeted, sounding exactly like I remembered. He was still paler than normal, but he already looked so much better.

“Lake,” I replied, trying to keep the intense relief from tainting the word. I failed miserably because Orion rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I’m fine, you can relax now,” he said, and his dismissive tone made me want to smack him.

“Oh, I’m sorry for worrying about your well-being after you spent three months lost in a mystical void and then had one of the worst cases of mana poisoning in history. Very overbearing of me, I know,” I scoffed, tone rising to match my anger, which I even enjoyed a little bit because it momentarily trumped my stress.

To my surprise, he looked remorseful at that. “You’re right, I’m sorry. God knows I’d be out of my mind if that had happened to you.”

My anger deflated as fast as it had risen, which was advised because I doubted a fight would be included in our small list of pre-approved activities, and if I intended on doing some of the unsanctioned ones, I had better ideas. So instead of insisting on an argument I just said, “of course, I’m right. And you can begin to make it up to me by letting me in.”

That reminded him that we were still standing on the door of his parent’s apartment, so Orion moved to give me some space to come inside – not nearly enough, though, because I had to squeeze myself through, bumping into him. He had certainly received the same warnings as I had and was already trying to work around the no-touching rule.

Orion’s apartment was even bigger than the Rasmussen’s, and it too seemed to be out of an interior design magazine, only the type Mum always said she didn’t get, all white and gray with tons of glass and square shapes. There wasn’t one object out of place – even the fluffy gray carpet of the living area was all combed in the same direction – it was hard to believe people actually lived in a place like that.

It was also very much empty.

“Where are your parents?” I asked, the anger rising again, I couldn’t believe they would leave him alone the very day he was released from the healing ward.

Orion shrugged. “Dad couldn’t get away from the workshop, and mom intended to stay here all day but there was some emergency and she had to go take care of it.”

“That leaves us without supervision,” I muttered, unsure of how I felt about that.

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” he said, feigning nonchalance – badly, might I add, because as soon as he realized what he’d said, Orion went bright red.

“We have to behave, Lake, you’re still in treatment. However, I’m not leaving.” If they had left him alone while we had a scheduled visit, that was on them. Orion nodded, then proceeded to do the opposite of behaving by leading me through a wide corridor away from the communal spaces of the house. I hesitantly followed him but stopped when I noticed which room he had led me to. “What do you think you’re doing bringing me to your bedroom?”

He was utterly out of place standing in his childhood bedroom; the whole place screamed rich teenage boy but in an artificial way that suggested everything – superhero posters, expensive television and videogame set, a bookcase full of R. L. Stine, T. Kingfisher, and Rick Riordan – had been chosen by someone else.

“Mom hates it when we mess up the living room,” he said, then grabbed my shoulder to get me to finally cross the threshold, except I was wearing a tank top, and the moment he touched my skin, it was like everything else in the room disappeared including the air around us. Which sounds dramatic, I know, but was exactly how I – a hormonal teenager, mind you – felt.

I stood still, painfully aware that I should be saying something to diffuse the heavy blanket of tension that had descended upon us the moment Orion put his hand on me – it was still on my shoulder almost like he was afraid to move too. I wanted him to step back so I could form a halfway coherent thought again, and at the same time I also never wanted to stop feeling the shiver that coursed through me at the contact. Orion’s breath quickened, and I realized the rapid rise and fall of my own chest matched his. He swallowed, and the small, delicate movement of his throat was enough to shatter my self-control, or maybe his, I didn’t quite know who had moved first but we met in the middle, his hands cupping my face as his lips crashed into mine with the same hungry desperation I felt.

“We shouldn’t,” I whispered, the thought escaping through my mouth before my lust-muddled brain could suppress it. Orion dropped my face as if my cheeks had suddenly burned him.

“We shouldn’t,” he agreed in a raspy voice. His fair skin was flushed and as he looked at me, I could see longing and fear battling in his features, and he almost looked like the boy I loved again.

Without meaning to, I approached him, raising my hand to touch his face, it felt hot beneath my shaking fingers. “We shouldn’t,” I repeated and kissed him again. This time neither of us put a stop to it, the rational part of me gagged and thrown in a remote part of my brain while the irresponsible part seized control of my mouth and hands and used them to touch Orion wherever I could reach, determined to learn every square centimeter of his body.

Orion steered us towards the bed, where I landed on top of him, yet he rolled over to invert our positions, pinning me under him with a mischievous grin sprouting on his lips. “You are beautiful,” he murmured, eyes burning into mine, and I wanted to return the compliment because staring back at him I could not remember a more beautiful human being, but I was burning, so I just pulled him closer.

His mouth did not land on mine where I wanted it, instead, he diverted his course to the sensitive spot on my neck right below my cheek and a small gasp escaped my lips. I pushed him off slightly and I could feel the protest forming on his throat, but I just used the small distance to grab at his shirt and pull it off, which was easier said than done because he was on top of me, and Orion had to sit up so we could get rid of the pesky piece of fabric. I sat up too and my tank top soon followed it. However, I carried one more obstacle and Orion pulled me into his chest so he could reach the back of my bra. He fumbled with it while I distracted myself by trailing kisses over his jawline, and after a few moments, I heard his triumphant laugh as the bra loosened around my chest. I laughed too.

I pushed him again, this time towards the mattress, and when I was once again on top of him, I removed the already unhooked bra. Orion’s eyes widened and he got that starry-eyed look he had sometimes while looking at me like he was a dying man, and I was his pathway back to life. That look used to frighten me, I had no idea how to hold such a heavy gaze, but I did not mind it then, I even enjoyed it.

With light, quivering fingers, Orion began touching me again, I closed my eyes, letting the sensation wash over me, revering in the pathway of goosebumps he left across my skin. He was going slow, some of the urgency gone, and I liked it. I wanted to take my time. I wanted to stretch every second and make them last lifetimes. I wanted to make sure every single detail was committed to memory. I followed his lead and I let my hands wander his exposed torso, the scattering of silver hair tickling my fingertips as I caressed his chest, then went up, feeling the contour of his collarbones, then the curve of his neck, memorizing the way it gave way to his sharp jawline. Then I found his lips and as soon as my fingers met the softness of them, I couldn’t hold back anymore and lowered myself until I could feel them against my own.

“I love you,” he whispered against my mouth, and it was almost too much: feeling him, solid, real, and safe under me, telling me he loved me in a voice untainted by his addiction.

“I love you,” I said back, and he smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, which prompted me to scooch to the edge of the bed and to help Orion out of his pants. He blushed – in embarrassment or desire, I didn’t know – but let me have my way. My own pants and underwear soon followed and there was nothing between us when I returned to my position on top of him. I almost closed my eyes again to focus on the sensation of our joined bodies, but I wanted to have the moment imprinted in my mind with all my five senses. And that’s exactly what I did.

I didn’t know if Orion had gotten a lot better since our first time or if the bed – instead of a grimy gym floor because, in retrospect, ugh – made it easier, but I found myself enjoying the whole thing a lot faster. And once we were both sweaty and smiling and delightfully tired, I let myself rest my head against his naked chest just like before. I was a cuddler, who would have thought.

“Well, that was one way of throwing the rules out the window,” I said with a half-laugh. “I swear to the goddess, Lake, if you go crazy from shagging, I’ll throw you out back into the void myself.”

He laughed, the thrumming in his chest trumping his heartbeat against my ear for a couple of seconds. “Trust me, I’m good. Couldn’t be better actually.”

“I’m not bad myself,” I conceded. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too.”

It turned out I hadn’t shagged Orion back into temporary insanity, because after that day we kept finding ways to be alone – which was disappointingly easy because both his mother and father constantly had to leave the apartment to deal with miscellaneous problems in the workshop and the enclave, respectively – and it didn’t affect his treatment at all. I was convinced that once the healers saw how much progress he was making, we’d be able to escape the enclave for good and I would take him out around the world to build the Golden Enclaves and send a giant middle finger to the system.

Except Orion didn’t stay well for long.

At first, it was small things, he started getting distracted again, letting his thoughts wander, so I had to start poking him to get him to eat or pay attention while people were speaking, or simply act like a generally functional human being. He also stopped properly sleeping, or so I deduced by his constant exhaustion and the dark circles under his eyes that came back before they were even truly gone.

And then I became worried that our level of physical intimacy was indeed detrimental to his health, and I began to bring the Sutras with me when I visited, just to have an excuse to keep him at arm’s length. I told him I needed to study, which wasn’t even true, because I had already gone through most of the tome during my months of frenzied research, so I was mostly diving deeper into the spells I already knew and making unnecessary notes about them, while Orion watched like a creep. “Take the lewd thoughts out of your mind, Lake, I have a job to do,” I’d say when I caught him staring, “we’ll have time later.” Then I’d find a reason to go back to the Rasmussen’s earlier, thinking about how out of all the things we had, time didn’t seem to make the list.

“How’s Orion’s treatment?” I asked Mum one day after dinner while Chloe showered. Mum looked almost as exhausted as Orion, and I felt a jab of guilt because I hadn’t really thought about how bad being in the enclave was for her. It was certainly no piece of cake for me, but I had a strong enough motivation to get through it, and I actually knew our host. Mum was spending most of her time trying to help Orion while being prodded with endless questions by the enclave healers, then she came ‘home’ to the crowded bedroom she was sharing with two teenagers and two mice – Precious had finally found in herself the grace to hang out with Mistoffeles.

I felt incredibly selfish for taking so much time to consider all of it. I hadn’t even asked if she wanted to come along, I’d just assumed she would drop her entire life to come to another continent with me to save the boyfriend she didn’t even approve of, to begin with. And Mum was too good of a person – and loved me too much – to complain about it.

“He’s…” she started, oblivious to my little existential crisis, “I don’t know, El. I’m trying, he’s trying, but I don’t know.”

“Do you want to go back? Home?” I asked. “I have to stay a little longer, just until he’s well enough to come with. I can’t just leave him with these people.”

“I can’t leave you with them either, my love. If you stay, I stay,” she said in a final tone accompanied by a sad smile.

Chloe came out of the bathroom right after, wearing her usual shiny satin pajamas, and Mum changed the subject, but it wasn’t remotely enough to make me forget the miserable feeling she’d tried to hide behind that smile, so much so that I was still thinking about it when I arrived at Orion’s apartment the next morning, and I would have probably continued thinking about it the entire day if I hadn’t found the door unlocked and the place empty.

I had never been to a haunted house, but I imagined what I felt going into the deserted living room to be similar to that. Tense and unpredictable; I felt like bad news would jump out at me at any second. I wasn’t even relieved when I noticed a scrap of paper on the glass coffee table and recognized Orion’s atrocious handwriting.

Went to guard the gates.

I didn’t know if he’d meant it for me or his parents, so I did not take the note with me when I left the apartment.

One of the times Chloe had taken me out into the city, the main gate – the elevator I had arrived in – had been undergoing routine maintenance and we’d had to leave through the service gates. They were big, less aesthetically pleasing things that led to an alley next to the fancy mundane building that housed the entrance to the enclave. “This is where Orion used to spend all his time back when we were kids,” Chloe had said, “but there used to be tons of guards because of the mals. The council repurposed them now that we’re safe.”

“Did they just leave it unprotected?” I’d asked, confused. Even if there were few mals left to stalk wizards, there were still some, and mals weren’t the only ones who would want to invade New York, I could name three dozen enclaves who would try to get in and steal spells and technology for themselves if they knew New York was undefended.

“No!” Her tone had been scandalized at the mere suggestion. “There are thirteen layers of protective spells, and as soon as the first one is activated, it triggers a yanker to bring the guards. It’s all very efficient.”

It was efficient, it also left the path to those gates from the inside mercifully empty, and I was feeling relieved not to have bumped into anyone on my way there. However, all the relief drained out of me when I saw Orion, exactly where I’d thought he would be. He was sitting with his back against the wall and hugging his legs close to his chest, gaze fixed on the dark entrance, wishing for monsters that wouldn’t come. He was completely still, too still, and, for a second, I got an overwhelming sense that what was in front of me wasn’t human, but then he turned his head towards me, and I snapped out of my panic because he smiled.

He's okay, I thought, and it felt like a lie.

“Is this where you used to sneak out to when you were a kid?” I asked, even though I knew the answer, and sat beside him.

He nodded and turned back to the empty gate. After a couple of minutes of indecision, I finally lay my head against his shoulder. We were doing everything backward, I supposed. Most couples would have gone through the head-on-shoulder step before the more serious stuff like sex or destroying a centennial magical school together. It felt good to allow myself to enjoy the small act of intimacy, and I guessed Orion felt the same because I could feel the tension draining from said shoulders.

“I miss them,” he said, after about ten minutes of silence. “I miss the mals, even more so than I did back at school. I feel like such a freak because they killed people, and I hate them, and I hate myself for wishing they would come back.”

I did my best not to cringe at his words. I had already known that but hearing him say it was still a rollercoaster of emotions that I couldn’t make sense of, I went through pity, horror, revulsion, anger, and sadness in the span of seconds. I tried to center myself, to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth and think of all the tranquil and harmonious things Mum always said would help me calm down. Orion had trusted me with his burden, and I loved him too much to hurt him with the harsh judgment my angry brain defaulted to.

“Are they,” I started, then cleared my throat, wishing my voice would be steadier. “Are they giving you enough mana?”

He tensed again. “They are giving me a lot of mana, my share is over a hundred times the average, and it still feels like drinking a drop when I’m dying of thirst.”

I had no idea what to say to that because I had no idea how to help. I couldn’t give Orion more mana, I barely had enough to get me started in the world, and if what the fucking New York enclave could give him wasn’t enough…

Only mals would be able to help, but they were a rare sight now, and would probably continue to be for the entirety of our lifetime. There had been only five known maleficaria sightings since the honeypot, and all the attacked wizards had dealt with them quickly with all the mana they had accumulated through the months of reprieve.

We finally had peace, but Orion wasn’t meant for peace.

I wasn’t one for sugarcoating things, but still managed to say, “we’ll figure something out.”

Orion didn’t even respond to my blatant lie, instead, he just grabbed my hand and rest his head on mine, and we sat there looking at the empty gate until I almost started to wish for monsters too.

Just when I was on the verge of giving up hope, I arrived at Orion’s apartment – I’d been granted a key to it after I’d told Ophelia about the day he had gone to the gates – to my daily afternoon visit to find him sitting on the living room carpet with his father playing cards. It would have been a normal enough scene if when I’d left him the night before he hadn’t looked barely sane.

His head shot up the moment I stepped into the soft gray carpet. “Hi.” Orion smiled, and I was so surprised I couldn’t bring myself to return it.

“Hello, Galadriel,” Mr. Lake greeted, then looked down at the cards they had scattered on the floor in a game I didn’t recognize. “Well, it’s obvious you beat me, son. You kids can go spend some time together but keep the door open.”

Orion, rolling his eyes, got up from the floor in one smooth movement and grabbed my hand before going to his room. Fortunately, I was still trying to gather my thoughts about Orion’s newly found health, so I didn’t even register the implications of the door comment until we were already out of sight. I wondered if they suspected we had broken those specific rules already.

“What happened?” I demanded, making sure to keep my voice low because he had miraculously obeyed his father and left the door open.

“What do you mean?” He asked, throwing himself onto the bed.

I sat down on one of the two navy blue bean bags arranged in front of the television. “Don’t play dumb, Lake. You looked as undead as a wraith yesterday, and now you look perfectly fine.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, I woke up feeling better. Maybe the healing is finally sticking.”

It all sounded too good to be true, but unless they had injected him with a shitload of mana in the middle of the night, I couldn’t think of another explanation. Orion’s relationship with mana was akin to addiction, so maybe he had gone through the withdrawal and was now adjusting to his smaller, regular doses instead of the absurd amount he was used to gobbling down when he slew the maleficaria. It just didn’t make sense that it had happened overnight.

He watched for my reaction attentively, then spoke again when I didn’t. “It happened; does it matter how?”

“Of course, it does!” I insisted. “If we know what made you better this time, we can make sure it keeps happening. Have you been to the healers today?”

“Yes, they… they couldn’t figure it out either.”

I knew I wouldn’t get anything else out of him, so I made a mental note to ask my Mum or his or both about the official diagnosis for his miraculous recovery later.

Orion stared at me for a few seconds in silence, then asked, “aren’t you going to study?” He eyed the Sutras – which were inside the bookchest I was unconsciously hugging – resentfully. I couldn’t believe he was jealous of a book.

I had been planning on studying, but his sudden health had thrown me off my game. After weighing my options, I decided to give both of us some slack and ditch my unproductive study session for the day. “We can watch a movie,” I suggested. Orion nodded, looking happy to get to spend time with me, which helped appease the constant worry that had been lodged inside my ribcage but replaced by a pang of slight guilt for neglecting him. I refused to give in to the feeling, so I just added, “I get to pick.”

“Fine,” he agreed and took a seat beside me in my beanbag instead of claiming the unoccupied one.

We both had little knowledge of movies – in my case due to lack of access in a middle-of-nowhere commune and, in his, disinterest – and I had no idea what I was doing while I browsed the movies in one of the several streaming services available directly from his gargantuan television. I settled for one in the ‘critically acclaimed’ category that looked quiet enough. Chloe had taken me to a superhero movie in one of our outings, and the torrent of loud noises had made me squirm in the red chair while I fought the urge to check the crevice under it for some kind of threat or, worse yet, leave the crowded and dark room altogether.

We were barely past the opening scene when Orion did the ridiculous move of pretending to stretch just so he could put his arm around me. I scoffed at him but let myself lean onto his chest anyway before returning my attention to the movie.

It was a rather slow-paced but entertaining enough, and I was having fun with it until – about one third into it – I caught a slight movement in my peripheric vision, and instinctively jumped up – startling Orion – the words to a defensive spell ready to roll off my tongue. I should have been relieved to see that it was just Mr. Lake checking up on us through the ajar door, but my panic only gave way to embarrassment.

“Would you kids like some popcorn?” Mr. Lake asked sheepishly, a tone that reminded me of Orion, looking kindly at me. I forced myself not to interpret the sympathy in his eyes as pity.

I looked down at Orion when he grabbed my hand again, and I wondered if he could feel my erratic pulse in it. He gave it a warm squeeze, and I was glad he too didn’t mention my disproportionated reaction.

“Sure, dad,” he said, not taking his eyes off me.

Mr. Lake was true to his offering and brought us a big bowl of warm popcorn, the industrialized microwavable type that smelled like fake butter and the people in the commune wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room with. It was delicious.

Orion once again performed his less-than-subtle move of putting his arm around me, and I let him get away with it a second time. We ate our popcorn and watched the rest of our movie, and I realized it was the closest I had ever felt to a normal teenager.

But as good things never seem to last – for me, at least – Orion decided to put a damper on the moment. “My mother wants to talk to you,” he said just before the credits started rolling. “Don’t be mad, but I think she’ll try to offer you the spot again.”

“Did she tell you that?” I asked sharply. “What does a girl need to do to get some peace? She must know Chloe and Magnus tried.”

“She didn’t say anything, but she had the politician voice when she talked to me, so it must be enclave related, and what else could it be?”

I had some other ideas, like my enclave building plan being uncovered and the Domina of New York deciding to get rid of the threat, but I did not tell him that. I wouldn’t spoil his first good day in weeks by telling him his mother could be planning to kill his girlfriend, so instead, I said, “Orion, you know I’ll say no, right?”

He turned to look at me, forehead creased in a peeved frown, and I had missed his annoyed expression so much it was hard to stare at it for too long. I didn’t know what it said about our relationship that the only time I was sure we were okay was when I was ruffling his feathers. “Give me some credit, Galadriel. I know you’ll never stay here, and I hope you know that, after all this is over, I’ll be coming with you.”

“Of course, you are, you moron,” I said, and kissed him.

Later that night, I tried to leave as stealthily as I could to avoid bumping into the Domina on my way out, but when I was just a few steps from the door, she got to me.

“Galadriel, may I have a word?” She said in a tone that gave me little room to deny her.

I sighed. “Sure.”

“Come into my office,” she commanded, then turned to lead the way.

It was the only room in the apartment I hadn’t been in. I had even been to her bedroom with Orion one time so he could borrow his father shaving razor from the master bathroom. But neither of us had even gotten close to the big glassy white door of the Domina’s home office. It followed the same pattern of decoration of the rest of the house, all minimalist and pristine with the sole exception of the bookshelves behind her desk. There were hundreds of books, both magical and mundane – no fiction in sight, though – in various colors, languages, and states of conservation. I could feel the heavy protection wards thrumming over them to both keep them in and strangers out.

Unbothered by my distraction, Ophelia cut right to the chase. “There’s been a disappearance in the enclave,” she said, voice hard. “The oldest Gale girl.” She added like it meant something to me. I had no idea who the Gales were.

“I… Do you think I had something to do with it?” I asked through my teeth. I knew she still didn’t like me, but I thought she’d never bought the whole she’s-a-maleficer thing.

“No, I don’t think you did it.” She picked up a paperweight from her desk – it was one of those glass blocks with a laser-cut image inside, but I couldn’t see what it was while she fidgeted with it. That small action made me even more nervous, though, because I doubted Ophelia Rhys-Lake was the type to fidget. “Orion seems quite well today,” she said after a while, and I thought she was changing the subject until I noticed the look on her face. She didn’t look happy for his seemingly miraculous recovery.

“You think a mal killed the girl? And Orion killed the mal?” I asked, confused. “I think he would have said something if he had found maleficaria to hunt.”

“Maleficaria, yes,” she whispered, not meeting my eyes.

I did not understand what she meant at first, why that distinction mattered, because what would Orion hunt if not mals? When the realization came, I was horrified. “You think he killed the girl? He wouldn’t be well if he had, the malia would have taken a toll on him, no maleficer starts his career by killing a wizard.”

“It wouldn’t be malia, not for him. Orion can get mana out of people just as he does with maleficaria,” she explained, tears coming to her eyes. I had never seen her that vulnerable, not even while she’d thought he was dead.

“How would you even know that? He’s never killed a person!”

“But he did,” she insisted, “and you should know, you were there.”

The denial was about to leave my lips when I understood what she meant. “Jack.” I took a step back from her like I could distance myself from the idea she was planting in my head. “You think he got mana out of killing him?”

“I know he did. Orion wrote to us every year he was in the Scholomance, usually just reassurances that he was fine and was taking care of the other kids, just like he had promised. But in your junior year, he wrote a much longer one for he was worried about what he had done and what it meant. I didn’t have a way of replying, of course, but even if I had had the chance to do so, I had no idea what to say.”

That awful night when I’d almost been murdered acquired an even more sinister tone the more she spoke.

After graduation, I’d briefly considered what made Orion the way he was, why he was able to extract the very life force of mals when he killed them, why I’d never seen him even trying to build mana any other way. It had sounded so absurd even in my own head to consider him a mal himself, I’d let go of the idea as soon as it had occurred to me, but if he could take mana out of wizards without becoming a maleficer…

I shook my head. “But he’s Orion! Hero extraordinaire! He wouldn’t hurt an innocent, he only killed Jack to save me.” And I had never stopped to consider what that night had been like for him, to kill another human being who, before that night, he had never suspected of being anything bad. I hadn’t noticed any change in him that suggested he was upset for killing Jack, but he was busy fighting all the maleficaria that had come to eat me like a steak and putting up with my bad attitude all night; maybe the existential crisis had come a little later for him.

Lucky Orion, because the idea that he had killed an innocent girl for her mana was instantly sending me right into the biggest existential crisis of my life, which is to say something because I’d had more than plenty.

She put the paperweight down and I saw that the image inside was a constellation; I was shit in astronomy, but even I could recognize Orion. “Galadriel, this cannot leave this room. You must not tell anyone, not even your mother or the Rasmussen girl. I can’t deal with this quietly if the council finds out and decide I’m too close to the situation; they might even bring Orion in for questioning, which won’t even work because if he did do something, I doubt he remembers it.”

“Then why are you telling me?” I asked, the panic carved in every syllable, but then it dawned on me before she could reply. “I’m your contingency plan.”

She nodded. “You are the only one in here who stands a chance against him. You are also the only one I trust – besides my husband – not to jump the gun. You care too much about him to do anything until we’re sure.”

“And what happens if we’re sure?”

“I don’t know, Galadriel. He is my son.” Her voice cracked at the word. It was weirdly comforting to see her like that, I felt a little less alone in my horror. “But I have a duty to this community. I hope it won’t come a time when I have to choose.”

Because she wouldn’t choose him. Ophelia didn’t say the words, but they were heavy in the air anyway.

And I couldn’t find it in myself to blame her for that.

None of us said anything for a few minutes, then she shook her head and opened her drawer to retrieve what looked like a necklace with two pendants.

“This is a magical pager, just keep it on your person at all times, it will glow when I send you a message, and if you don’t see it in five minutes, it will ring.” She showed me the rectangular pendant, then pointed to the little platinum sphere that also hang from the thin gold thread. “And this is a power sharer, so you are prepared in case we need to intervene. This is an older model, we all use the bracelets now, but they’re harder to be concealed, and no one can know you have this. Sharing mana with outsiders is strictly forbidden, the council would have my head for this.”

 I nodded before accepting the necklace. “I’ll keep it hidden.”

Once I put it on, it was clear our conversation was over, and I, still shocked, began to make my way out the door.

“Galadriel,” she called just before I opened it. “We’ll do our best to save him.”

Nodding again, without turning back, I left the room.

Like a pendulum, for the next days, I alternated between this is ridiculous, Orion would never hurt anyone and I’m in love with a murderer. It led to so many sleepless nights it started to look like I was the one going through mana withdrawal. Every time I looked in the mirror, I got even more worried because Mum and Chloe were bound to wonder – or worse ask – what was happening. However, they didn’t ask, simply because they thought they already knew the cause of my stress.

Orion’s descent was even faster the second time.

By each day I visited him, I saw the increasing signs of his mana abstinence. Every time I caught him looking into nothing I wondered if this was it. If it was possible that his misery could become so bad it would turn the boy I loved into a monster. A starved beast who would stop at nothing to be fed.

The idea felt so absurd when I thought about it, my mind couldn’t overlap the idea of Orion Lake, savior of hundreds of lives, with what Ophelia had told me, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. However, the rest of me was quicker to believe.

Even as I watched Orion in his good moments, his presence turned my insides into a block of ice. When he kissed me and complained about the rules imposed by his treatment his annoyed voice was so familiar, I wanted it to convince me everything would turn out fine. It didn’t.

My Mum always told me talking about my problems could help me come to terms with them, and as the fear ate at me, I considered talking to the Domina about it, since she was my only option. However, I decided I didn’t want to come to terms with it, I just wanted it not to be true.

In the end, it did not matter anyway, because all my nightmares and fears clawed their way into reality exactly two weeks after Ophelia’s warning.

Chloe and I were – badly – planning to tame my hair into a more civilized haircut. She had insisted I needed the distraction, some banal activity to take my mind off of things, and for I few moments it actually had. As we perused the internet for haircuts that flattered my wavy hair and oval face since Chloe refused to settle on the first haircut we saw – as I was inclined to do – I found myself having a bit of fun, which was squashed the moment Chloe frowned and said, confused, “your chest is glowing.”

Instinctively, I looked down, and she was right, my chest was glowing, and the time it took for me to understand why was a mercy, for it spared me a few seconds of the misery that followed.

I pulled the magical pager from between my breasts. Through the stark light, I made out the words lobby now in neat, narrow letters.

“What is it?” Chloe fretted, but I could barely hear her through the soaring of blood in my ears. “El, what happened?”

“Orion,” I managed to choke out before coming to my senses and jumping out of the bed where we’d been both sitting with her laptop open to numerous beauty advice websites. And I ran.

I ran through the posh apartment, then through the marble-floored corridors of the residential area of New York, not caring about the several pairs of eyes that looked at me suspiciously as I passed them.

After what seemed like an eternity, I descried the bright lights of the enclave lobby. I pushed my legs to run faster, the muscles burning at the effort, having grown soft in my months without regular exercise.

It was the middle of the morning, most enclavers were attending their various occupations, so there were barely a dozen people present in the lobby, but all of them had their gazes fixed on the corner that led to the healing wing.

The first person I recognized was Ophelia, easily spotted in her burgundy suit. She had a strained posture and when I looked past her, the reason was clear.

Orion was there, and I had to stop running when I saw him. Orion looked wild, like a beast. I could tell even if he wasn’t looking in my direction, his attention solely focused on someone – a boy, no older than fifteen – who he had cornered against a wall.

“Lake… Orion,” I called out to him, still panting, and my voice sounded like a plea. I had no idea what I was even begging for. Come back to me? Don’t kill an innocent person? Don’t become a monster? It might have been too late for all of that. I got what I wanted, at least, because Orion diverted his attention from the young wizard and looked at me. The urge to flinch from his gaze was almost unbearable because he looked like he did while deep into hunting mode, a look I had only seen during both our stunts in the graduation hall. A look I had never imagined would be aimed at me.

Restrain him, Ophelia Rhys-Lake’s sounded clear as day in my head, some kind of telepathy spell whose mental violation would have infuriated me any other time. I did as she said just in time to stop Orion as he looked away and lunged for the boy, arms stretched in front of him as if he was planning on tearing him apart with his bare hands. He collided, instead, with the thin shimmer of the evocation of refusal, and when he did, it took all of my strength to keep my knees from giving out because the impact of Orion against the spell was familiar, it felt almost like the other great monster I had tried to contain with it. Almost like Patience.

An involuntary cry escaped my throat as he fought my refusal. I felt for the thread of Ophelia’s communication spell and screamed into her head. Get the boy out of there! Now! She too did not need to be told twice, and an invisible force moved the terrified child to safety with barely a second to spare because Orion broke through my shield.

“Orion, stop!” I screamed, trying to bring his attention back to me as I silently told Ophelia to evacuate the lobby. Orion turned to me and tilted his head the way he did while pondering how to kill a mal, then he straightened his spine and gave me a different look. He had always looked at maleficaria like his prey, now he was assessing me like a rival predator; when I realized it, I wanted to scream at him again, to tell him to snap out of it, but my stomach dropped, and my mouth was suddenly too dry to speak.

I was scared.

The sight of Orion almost killing an innocent bystander had brought fear, but it had been fear for him and the boy. What I felt while he looked directly at me like he was wondering what the best way to kill me was, it was something else entirely. It was the pure terror I had only experienced while facing the greatest horrors the Scholomance had thrown at me. My heart beat even faster as my body flooded my veins with adrenaline, giving me one choice to make.

Fight or flight.

It wasn’t really a choice, though, not when I was the only one who could stop him. I licked my lips, focused, and cast the evocation of refusal again if only to gain time. Time for Ophelia to get everyone out. Time to think of a way to save Orion from this madness, so I could save him from me.

He burst through it quicker than before and began to make his way toward me in a feline-like walk. Panic rose even higher, and tears blurred my vision as I desperately tried to see a way out. You’re the only right thing I’ve ever wanted, echoed in my head and I saw him the way he had been in the gym. Sweaty, messy hair, face smeared with glittering casting powder, human. I wanted to stop, to try again to reason with him, to bring him back to me, but when I blinked the tears away, there was no sign of that person in his face, replaced instead by blind hunger.

I already lost him. The thought tore through me like a talon as I watched him approach, unable to look anywhere but at his animalistic expression.

For a second, I imagined him lost inside the Scholomance, surrounded by monsters that weren’t as dangerous as him. Now he would finally face something worse than the maleficaria, something that would finally be able to stop him, at least while he wasn’t brimming with unspent mana.

There was no choice but to let instinct take over, and my own carefully suppressed monstrous nature took charge. To it, the answer was always to kill.

I don’t know how or why I chose that spell over all the other killing curses I had collected during my stay at the Scholomance, but I cast the incantation for unraveling souls, the one I would have used on the soul-eater before Orion exploded it in my room the day we met. I don’t regret that choice, because despite it being the worst thing I have ever done, it felt as right as such a horrible thing could be.

It’s an almost peaceful way to go, the life force just... leaves, it dissipates into the air like a cloud of smoke. Not that you can see it, you can only feel it.

And I felt him.

Just as his hollow body fell onto the cold marble floor, I felt surrounded by Orion Lake; all the good parts of him, the parts that loved me, the parts that wanted to be loved back, the parts that I could have shared a future with.

And then it was gone, just like that.

All that was left was a pile of meat and bones and guts that did not mean anything to me without Orion. The eyes that stared at nothing did not matter to me without him looking through them. But I knelt beside the empty husk anyway, and I couldn’t breathe, the air not just caught on my throat, but clawing itself to its walls, refusing to go down into my lungs without tearing me apart. After what seemed like ages, but must have only been seconds, I managed to inhale just to let it all out again in a scream.

I screamed in pain and sorrow and grief and anger. At him, at myself, at his mother, at the enclaves, and the entire fucking world. I screamed, and the Earth itself seemed to shatter right along with my heart as the mana still coming out of me sent the entire enclave trembling.

I’d like to think I would have stopped, even if Mum hadn’t approached me cloaked with a spell so I would not see her until she was right in front of me – like she was afraid – and cast the sedative incantation she only used on people who were in danger of hurting themselves or others. I’d like to, but I don’t.

Now

I can only hope that Orion knew, that even while I killed him, I never stopped loving him.

I get up, not bothering to dust off my clothes and begin my walk back to the yurt, the New York shirt still safely clutched in my hands. I’m not ready to let it – him – go yet.