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Saw Gerrera was haunting Jyn Erso.
For 5 years, Jyn had kept Saw and everything related to him in that bunker in her mind. The same bunker he found her in all those years ago. She didn't allow herself to feel anything towards him but icy anger. But now the hatch was broken, by what happened on Scarif and everything that led up to it. And all the thoughts and emotions she had refused to entertain before now bounced around in her mind.
It didn’t help that he was everywhere around the rebellion. The ISB agent turned rebel intelligence officer Cassian occasionally worked with had a run in with the Partisans. The bright haired Mandalorian girl had been on missions with him. The old clone captain fought with him during The Clone Wars. Even Chirrut and Baze had worked with him on Jehda.
They all knew him before.
The rebels talked about him in meetings. They looked at her when they talked about him.
Sometimes they looked at her with pity because they knew he had left her. Because the man who raised her was now dead. She despised their pity. He left her, but she had lived. She survived all those years on her own. She stole the Death Star plans and still stood today. She was just fine without him and didn’t need them to look at her like some poor lonely thing.
Sometimes they looked at her with disgust. Some leaders brought up how his actions had set them back. They acted like it was her fault. As if he hadn’t left her behind long before he did what they were angry about. As if she was some major player in the Partisans who had personally made those decisions. As if she agreed with everything he had ever done.
She was mad on his behalf at their disgust. Had he not fought just like all of them? Had he not dedicated everything to this rebellion? Had he not given his life for this cause?
The least they could do was recognize his work, honor his sacrifice.
She hated Saw Gerrera.
She hated him for leaving her when she was 16.
She hated him for leaving her again when she was 21. And before she could say everything she wanted to him. Before she could unleash all the anger she had built up towards him.
She hated that she missed him.
She missed him when she was at target practice, remembering the time on Wrea years ago, shooting at the dead droid bodies with him.
She missed him when she worked on the code replicator. When she made a particularly good forgery, she knew would have earned her that proud look he gave out so sparingly.
She missed him when the Death Star was destroyed, knowing that he was one of the reasons it was even possible. Knowing that he would have smiled watching it blow up, and allowed himself just a moment to celebrate before planning his next move.
She missed the moments where he had felt less like a commander and more like a father.
All this echoed in her mind as she lay in her bed, staring at the cracks in the stone ceiling. Well, technically it was Cassian’s bed, and his ceiling with the cracks in it. And technically, she hadn’t been in her own room in days. But they weren’t talking about that.
She sat up and looked at where he sat at the tiny desk, tapping away at his data pad, finishing some brief or analysis of something or another. He was always working. His shoulders were hunched, and his hair hung loose, obscuring his face slightly. It was getting long. He had been growing it out ever since they got back.
She brought her knees up to her chest, took a breath and kept her eyes on him as she asked,
“Did you ever work with Saw?”
His fingers stopped moving across the data pad. He straightened and turned to look at her. He met her gaze, his expression unreadable. She tried to keep her own expression neutral, like this was something they talked about all the time. It wasn’t. In fact, Cassian seemed to intentionally avoid the subject, noticing she was always off balance and in a mood for some hours after Saw was mentioned around her.
He held eye contact for a second more before moving his eyes back to the data pad.
“Once,” he said. “Not long after the rebel alliance had officially formed. I had heard of him before, of course. Mothma had mentioned him as a possible ally when I was still just a part of her cell.”
Jyn let this settle for a moment. She couldn’t say she was surprised they had met at least once.
“What was he like?” she asked in a small voice.
From the corner of her eye, Jyn could see Cassian glance at her, studying her for a moment before proceeding.
“He was intimidating. He seemed to still be recovering from an injury, a big one, I think the one that caused him all those breathing problems. But that didn't make him any less terrifying. Pretty sure half the alliance thought he was going to kill them”
He took another moment, and Jyn tried not to think about the fact she knew exactly what injury he was talking about, exactly how he got it, or how at one point, she was pretty sure that injury killed him.
“He was passionate,” Cassian continued. “You knew him. He cared a lot for his cause. For the people. But he was willing to risk more than most of the alliance. He was stubborn to a fault. Unwilling to compromise in most cases. He was…”
He took a breath. Jyn waited for him to continue.
“He was what?” she pressed.
Cassian let out a sigh and shook his head, like he thought whatever he was about to say was a bad idea.
“He… You.. you are a lot like him,” he finally let out.
Jyn froze, focusing all her attention on the wrinkle in the bedsheet just above where her feet sat. Cassian didn’t say anything for a long time. He probably expected her to walk out. Or yell. Or both. A small part of her wanted to, to push back on his accusation. To make him feel bad for not just lying and saying he had never worked with him in the first place. But she sat and didn’t say a word.
And Cassian started to speak again. “You both have this cold rage. It was one of the first things I noticed about you. The rage that radiated off of you, that motivated you.”
She stayed silent, still.
“You have the best parts of him, I think.” Jyn lifted her head to find him studying her.
“You have his passion. I saw that in the speech you gave to the council, and on the ship on Scarif. You care like he did. About the galaxy, yes, but also about your people. Chirrut, Baze, Bodhi, Leia, Han, and…”
You, Jyn filled in where he left off in her mind.
Cassian cleared his throat, “And just like him, you are willing to do what it takes. You are as committed to this as you probably were when you were part of the Partisans. So, I think, the best parts of him stuck to you.”
Jyn felt the burning behind her eyes grow. She dropped her gaze back to the bed, but could still feel Cassian’s eyes on her. Still waiting for her to say something, to leave, or do anything. But she didn't know what she could say or do. So instead she laid back down, faced the wall, closed her eyes tight and shoved her nails into the palm of her hand.
It was several moments before she heard him set his data pad on the desk, more before she heard the scrape of chair legs against the ground, the dull thud of his boots coming off and being set near the door. The fabric of his clothes rustled softly as he approached the bed. He just stood for a while, looking down at her. Jyn was taking measured breaths, trying to keep it all in. Then, he laid down. His arms came around her and he pulled her into his chest.
And then she couldn’t keep it together anymore. The tears started slowly but it wasn’t long until sobs racked her body. Tears soaked the pillow under her head and the hair around her face. Her hand clutched the crystal at her chest, and she felt the rough edges dig into her palm. She struggled for breath, for control.
Cassian just held her, his head nestled in her neck, his thumb rubbing circles on her arm.
“I miss him,” she spit out between sobs.
“I know,” he mumbled into the back of her neck.
She cried. She cried for every time she hadn’t in the past 5 years since he left her. She cried for every moment she hadn’t since Jehda, since the last time she would ever see him. She cried for the Jyn and Saw on Wrea, still uncertain on where the future would lead them. She cried for them on Taysmine Prime, for the moment that broke them. She cried for the moments they had and the ones they had lost.
She cried for her commander, her ally, her friend, her enemy, her father.
Jyn Erso cried for Saw Gerrera.