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It was almost concerning, how easy it was being a thief.
His small fingers punched away at the old-school keypad. Why the most famous museum in Neo-Tokyo chose to rely on such an outdated measure of security was beyond him. Surely any security guard qualified enough to work in such a place would have extensive body modifications that could be used as employee identification.
He of course would know as such, since those shoddily crafted and easily hackable retina implants on employee #5284 were responsible for providing him with this valuable code in the first place.
The gate before him opened with ease. He reached towards the belt around his waist, unhooking one of Ace’s signature smoke bombs. In one fluid motion, he pulled the pin and carefully rolled the small sphere across the marble floors, pulling up his scarf over his face so as not to breathe in the smoke that immediately filled the gallery.
No alarms. No lasers. It was almost too easy. Geez, remind him never to steal from here again. It was borderline boring.
He skipped up to the large glass case in the center of the gallery, eyes trained on the beautiful purple gem inside. One of a kind, incredibly valuable. Maybe he could use it as a nice paperweight.
Using the code given to him by the oh so generous employee #5284, the case unlocked with ease, allowing him to lift it up and quickly swap the gem with a worthless replica.
Like stealing candy from a baby.
Beep beep beep
Oh finally someone was onto him. It took them long enough . Footsteps thundered through the marble hallways of the museum, stopping right outside the door.
The thief removed his grappling gun from his tool belt, shooting upwards towards a loose panel in the glass dome.
The guards barely even had time to see the white glint of his obnoxious grin as he pulled on the rope and went flying into the sky, his cape fluttering behind him.
———
Shuichi Saihara was an anomaly.
“So let me get this straight,” Shuichi adjusted himself in his supervisor’s weirdly massive office chair. “After every single detective in our agency failed to apprehend Joker, you decided to finally send me out on a field mission simply because you have no other options?”
Joker, the elusive phantom thief that had been terrorizing Neo-Tokyo for nearly a year, stealing valuables from major corporations and museum exhibits with virtually no evidence left behind. Intelligent enough to avoid arrest from all of the Neo-Tokyo Detective Agency’s most experienced and technologically enhanced employees. No matter how accurate their predictions of the next strike would be, no matter who they sent out, the thief always seemed to be one step ahead of them, as if he could sense that they were coming.
Which was exactly the conclusion the agency had come to.
And now Shuichi, poor little Shuichi whose rare immune condition rejected any attempts at technological body modifications. Who had been denied real world detective experience for years because he had always been seen as “too frail and weak,” was apparently oh so important.
“Oh, don’t say it like that, Saihara,” Kirigiri sat up in her chair, twirling a pen in midair above the tips of her new magnetic nails. “You know as well as I do that it isn’t a last resort. The higher-ups have been considering your request for fieldwork for quite some time now. It’s just a coincidence.”
“So it’s really just a coincidence that my request for fieldwork from nearly a year ago was finally accepted just as the last detective on the case found evidence that Joker has been anticipating our arrivals by tracking our employees’ various body modifications?” He leaned forward towards his mentor’s desk, resting his elbows on the perfectly polished surface. “I’ve known you my entire life, Kirigiri. We’re basically family at this point. You don’t need to lie to make me feel better.”
Kirigiri frowned, letting the pen fall as she leaned forward to place her hands on top of his own. He could feel the magnetic hum of her fingertips dissipate as she willed it to disappear. Even in the most mundane of moments, there was always a reminder of what he would never be able to have.
“I’m sorry, Shuichi.” Kyoko ran her thumbs along the back of his hands, apparently deciding to cease the formalities. “I know how much you want to be out there. Working under your uncle, I’ve seen so many apprentices come and go. None of them were ever like you though. You’re one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. Nobody, not even the higher-ups, have been able to solve cases as fast and efficiently as you have.”
She took a deep breath, and Shuichi immediately knew the conversation would not go his way.
“But…”
Oh there it was. The ‘but.’ There was always a ‘but.’
“But you and I both know that you’re not like most detectives, Shuichi. Being out there, jumping across rooftops, that’s dangerous stuff even for people with more…work done. Sometimes, people’s skill sets just lie elsewhere.”
“That’s not to say I think any of this is right. You should’ve been trained for field work a long time ago, immunodeficiency or not. Both your uncle and I know you’re ready. You could match any of us easily if they bothered to give you a chance, if they bothered to teach you how to overcome your condition. But two voices don’t exactly mean much in such a big agency…”
“Until the specific situation arises where I could finally be useful to them,” Shuichi finished, slumping over as Kirigiri gave him a sympathetic look. “I’ve been around here since I was a kid. I’ve been working as an official trainee for nearly two years. And only when the condition that’s plagued me my entire life is suddenly their saving grace, do they finally give me a chance. It’s so stupid.”
He felt Kirigiri’s hand slowly lift his chin to lock their eyes together. Her normally stoic expression was ablaze with determination. For him. This was for him.
“We can't go back and change the past, Shuichi,” she stated firmly. “We can’t get you those cases you deserved all those months ago. But you have this shot now. This could be your big break. You could put a stop to one of the most iconic thieves in written history. You need to take this case.”
She lifted his hand towards her own heart. “And if you want to turn it down, well consider this an order on behalf of both your boss, and your honorary cousin. Go up to that office, accept that case, and make them eat all those times they said you weren’t ready for this.”
– – –
The Neo-Tokyo museum of art. Floor seven. Gallery 3-A. That was where Joker’s last calling card had led to. The thief could clearly only be after one thing, expert painter Angie Yonaga’s newest masterpiece. The painting, depicting what Yonaga described to be the god of her native island, was valued at nearly two million New-Yen, despite being only about the size of a desktop computer monitor. Small enough that Joker could easily carry it in his escape.
Shuichi could see the small painting from where he was crouching, hidden behind a large sculpture a gallery over. The higher-ups had decided if it really was true that Joker had been tracking the force through their mods, then a stakeout would be the best course of action. If Joker heard anyone come into the building, he and his crew would quickly leave, regardless of if they completed their objective or not. But if Joker detected no mods in the first place, Shuichi was guaranteed not to be noticed before it was too late.
Now all there was left to do was wait.
His fingers reached up to absentmindedly fiddle with his new detective badge. As if being chosen for this mission simply because of his condition wasn’t enough, he was also given a promotion .
The look in his boss’ eyes was clear enough: Fail the mission, and we take the badge back.
If he didn’t succeed at this, he could kiss any future field cases goodbye. He let go of the badge, nervous energy coursing through his veins as he instead reached towards the belt around his waist.
Left hip, police grade stun gun, pepper spray, and a tiny switchblade. His instructions raced through his head. No harm should come to the thief. The agency wanted him taken in able and alive.
Right hip, grappling gun, handcuffs, and most importantly, the Neo-Tokyo Detective Agency’s signature scanning gun. One pull of the trigger could create a full body map of a person’s body modifications in under a single second. It was the agency’s secret weapon. Once you know what mods your criminal has, all you have to do is compare the chart to those present in public databases from different mod hospitals until you find a match, and just like that, you have your culprit.
All he had to do was get close enough to Joker to fire it, and this whole thing would be over. The notorious thief would be behind bars, Shuichi would get to keep his promotion, and finally, finally, the agency would see him as something more than just an errand boy, solving their cases at his desk, and receiving none of the credit.
All he had to do was get close. That could very likely be easier said than done however. Nobody had ever been able to get close enough to Joker to get to know him. There was no way to predict what he would do when he realized he had been caught. That’s why Shuichi’s mission was to try to remain as undetected as possible.
But damn it, that was so boring! How was this any different than solving crimes at his desk all day? Why even bother giving him the handcuffs if all the agency wanted to do was show off their fancy high tech scanner? If he was close enough to get a scan, then why not just take the thief into custody?
But going against orders could possibly mean losing his opportunity for real field missions. Kirigiri and his uncle were powerful, some of the best detectives in the business, but Shuichi knew even a threat of them both quitting if he was fired would mean nothing to the higher-ups in the force.
He wouldn’t be surprised if those guys could engineer perfect replicas of his uncle and friend should they ever try to leave in the first place.
He was broken out of his thoughts at the sound of creaking metal. He held his breath, attempting to peek the tiniest bit around the corner of the statue, trying to catch the slightest hint of the intruder.
An electronic keypad beeped somewhere off to his left side, followed by the clang of something metallic hitting the tiled floors. He covered his mouth with his jacket when the room started to fill with smoke. Most likely harmless, but he would be doomed at the tiniest cough. He couldn’t take any chances
When the smoke finally dissipated, all that remained was the small click click click of footsteps on the tile, and the sound of his own racing heart. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a white cape flutter by, it’s interior patterned with black and purple checkers, vaguely reminiscent of missing textures in early video games of the 21st century.
“I’m in the gallery now, Hearts. Nothing on the scanners. Prepare the escape.”
Joker was here.
And pure fear ran through Shuichi’s veins as the sound of footsteps got closer instead of further away into Yonaga’s gallery.
“You’re clear Ace!”
Why was Joker coming this way? His objective was way across the hallway, in a completely different gallery!
Unless…
A panel of the glass ceiling shattered above him.
…They had been wrong.
An involuntary screech left his mouth as he ducked and rolled out of the way of the falling glass, watching as ropes burst from the ceiling, and wrapped around the very statue he had just been hiding behind.
And in front of it all, a short dark haired man, decked out in white from his top hat all the way down to his knee high boots. Though much of his face was covered by a mask reminiscent of that of a circus clown, Shuichi could easily tell that Joker was beyond shocked to see him.
Then those purple eyes locked onto the gold detective badge pinned above Shuichi’s heart, and Shuichi watched as they filled with fear. Joker’s small fingers brushed against a device hanging at his side, and his eyes shifted down for just a brief moment as if he was checking something.
Shuichi wasn’t sure how long the two of them just stood frozen facing one another, but it was definitely long enough for Shuichi to remember he was supposed to be catching this man. He stumbled to his feet, trying to put on a brave face as he stared down at Joker.
“Detective Shuichi S-Saihara,” he blurted out, mentally slapping himself for the obvious stutter. He was supposed to be intimidating god damn it. “Neo-Tokyo Detective Agency. You’re under arrest!”
His voice practically squeaked at the end, and he started to regret ever picking up this case. Maybe Joker just wouldn’t notice, and he could escape the humiliation?
Unfortunately, lady luck did not seem to be on his side tonight, as Joker almost seemed to chuckle as he took tiny calculated steps towards Shuichi.
“Oh, you poor little thing,” the thief almost seemed to coo at him. “Did the agency run out of big bad scary detectives to send after me? Is that why they gave me a shy little intern to play with instead? It’s a good thing you’re a cute one.”
Shuichi didn’t even realize he’d been taking steps backwards until his back hit the wall. Though Joker was several inches shorter than him, he almost seemed to loom over him with just how confident he carried himself.
“I don’t know how you bypassed my little body mod sensors though, Mr. Detective Saihara-chan.” The thief reached down to that device on his waist, detaching it from his belt and looking at it curiously, as if it had offended him. “My team’s gear is top notch, virtually unhackable. How ever did you manage to sneak past it?”
“I’m…I have a condition,” Shuichi stammered, too distracted by the close proximity of their faces to even consider the fact he shouldn’t give out such personal information to a wanted criminal. “Body rejects all foreign entities. Prevents me from using mods. I…I don’t have any.”
That seemed to get the thief’s attention. “Oh?” he asked curiously. “Not only did they send a rookie after me, but one without any mods done either? The agency must be losing its edge.” Joker leaned even closer to Shuichi, the taller man shivering at the small puffs of hot air against his neck. “Unless that is, you knew about my little tricks, hmm?”
Shuichi simply just nodded, not trusting his voice.
Immediately, Joker backed away from him, his expression going from cocky and confident, to annoyed and pouty before Shuichi could even blink.
“Maaaaannnn that’s not faiiiiiirrrrr,” the thief whined, (hopefully) fake tears welling up in his eyes. “What’s the point of being a phantom thief if you’ve got people on your tail? Now you’re gonna turn me in and I’ll go to jail for all eternity. You ruined my entire schtick Saihara-chan! That’s so mean of you!”
“No, that’s wrong!” Shuichi heard himself shout with uncharacteristic confidence. Even Joker’s eyes seemed to widen slightly in shock at his outburst. He felt like crawling into a hole.
“I-I mean, you’ve never exactly been careful about avoiding detection,” he stammers, momentary confidence beginning to wane. “You’re always still at the scene of the crime when authorities arrive, even if the rest of your goons are gone with the stolen object by then. If you were trying to stay secret, you’d wear dark clothes, escape as soon as possible, and leave us with no evidence to go off of. But instead, you wear a bright, gaudy, eye-catching outfit during your heists. You stay at the crime scene just to make a dramatic escape as soon as the police arrive, and leave us clues as to when and where you’ll strike next. You’re not exactly a textbook thief.”
“Oh?” Joker asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy. “Saihara-chan seems to think he’s figured me out, hmm? Are you saying you think I want to be caught?”
“Not to be caught, no,” Shuichi countered, raising a hand to cover his face like he always did when deep in thought. “If you really wanted to be caught, you would have been in jail months ago. What you really want is attention. You have a point you’re trying to prove by doing this.”
That definitely caught Joker’s attention. “A point I’m trying to prove? I suppose you could put it that way.” The thief leaned back towards him, locking their eyes together. “And what might this point of mine be, Mr. Detective?”
“That…That’s the part I don’t know.”
“Hmm, well you’re certainly an interesting one, Saihara-chan,” Joker cooed, separating from Shuichi yet again. The man stepped a little ways away, turning his back to Shuichi before reaching his hands towards his own face. It wasn’t until the hands pulled away, one of them gripping what looked to be a piece of plastic, that Shuichi finally realized what Joker was doing.
“H-Huh?” Shuichi sputtered. “What are you doing?”
Though Joker was still facing away from him, Shuichi could almost see the slight shift of his cheeks that indicated he was smirking.
“I’m giving you a chance, my dear Detective…”
The mask dropped to the floor.
“To find out what my motivation is.”
Before Shuichi could even say a word, Joker spun on his heel, and Shuichi felt his breath catch in his throat.
His bosses would probably kill him for thinking such a thing, but Shuichi couldn’t help but realize how admittedly gorgeous the thief was. Pale, alabaster skin, dotted with numerous freckles, as if they were stars in the sparkling galaxy of his deep amethyst eyes. Pale pink lips quirked up into a saccharine cheshire grin, as if he were elated at the prospect that the person who was supposed to be arresting him now knew exactly what he looked like. Shuichi couldn’t even will himself to move.
“Why the hesitation, Mr. Detective?” Joker cooed, taking another step closer to him. “Ten foot distance, just like they told you when they taught you how to use that scanner, right?”
Shuichi finally broke his gaze away from the thief, and down to the body scanner still strapped to his hip. That was the whole point of him being here. Find Joker, scan him for mods, and then get out quickly so that the agency could try to compare the results to the databases. That was what he was supposed to do.
But…what if he didn’t want to? He had never considered the fact that Joker would be so intriguing and flirtatious. There was a small part of him, as crazy as it was, that didn’t want to turn the man in.
“I’m waiting, Saihara-chan.”
But Joker apparently knew about their scanning technology too. He wanted Shuichi to scan him, promising it would help Shuichi figure out his motivation.
And Shuichi had always loved solving a good mystery.
In one swift movement, he unclipped the scanning gun from his hip, aimed it directly at Joker’s heart, and pressed the trigger.
Beep .
N O M O D S D E T E C T E D
What?
He tore his eyes away from the display on the tiny screen, instead meeting those of the mysterious man in front of him, whose smile had widened impossibly large across his cheeks.
“We aren’t so different, you and I,” Joker stated, taking calculated steps towards the detective, the click of his boots the only sound in the otherwise silent gallery. “Unlike you, I stay this way by choice, but that doesn’t really make a difference in the grand scheme of things does it?”
“So you…chose to stay this way?” The concept was foreign to Shuichi. His whole life, he’d been looked down upon for being normal, and here Joker was, deliberately choosing to reject those societal pressures, becoming a notorious criminal, escaping the clutches of the most skilled detectives in all of Neo-Tokyo, all with a normal, completely natural human body.
And just like that, a lightbulb went off in his head.
“That’s it!” He exclaimed, drawing another smile out of Joker’s face. “That’s your motivation! You’re trying to prove you don’t need modifications to live a successful life!”
“Nishishi~” Joker giggled, seemingly amused by Shuichi’s impassioned speech. “You make me sound so heroic, my dearest Saihara-chan. How flattering!” He rested the back of his gloved hand against his forehead in a mocked swoon.
“But you’re toooootally wrong,” he cooed. “I just think mods are too easy. You wanna be smarter? Enhance your brain. Wanna be stronger? Enhance your muscles. Wanna fly? Sure buddy here’s some wings go have fun. They negate the motivation for self-improvement. No more drive, only hunger for instant gratification. They make life so boring .”
He leaned against Shuichi, pressing him back into the wall as another cheshire grin crossed his face. “And if there’s anything I hate most in this world my darling detective, it’s boredom.”
Shuichi gulped, hoping Joker couldn’t hear the way his heart hammered in his chest at their proximity. “So you’re doing this…because it’s fun?”
The thief’s eyes lit up at the question, one gloved hand reaching up to touch him on the nose. “Ding ding ding! Saihara-chan is so smart! Normal jobs are sooooo dull. But this one is on my terms. I get to be the boss, do things how I want to and when I want to, and most importantly, no mods allowed. No playing life on easy mode. No boredom .”
Finally the pieces started to click inside his brain. “So your entire crew? None of them have mods either?”
Joker looked almost offended by the question. “Of course not!” His grin twisted into a look of annoyance. “That entire speech and Mr. Detective is still asking stupid questions.”
“But why are you telling me all of this?” Shuichi finally mustered the courage to ask the question that had been on his mind since the beginning.
“What did I say about stupid questions, my beloved?” Joker gawked at him, poking him on the cheek. “Obviously I’m telling you because I want you to join us!”
Join…?
“You…huh?” He sputtered.
“Geeeeez do I really have to spell it all out for you?” Joker groaned once more. “I’ve been thieving long enough that I know a lot about what happens in that agency. I know who you are, Saihara-chan. I know how they treat you, how they never give you the chance to prove yourself. How you’ll never get another chance if you go back tonight empty-handed.”
With a flourish, Joker pulled a small card from underneath his hat, and slipped it into a tiny pocket above Shuichi’s chest. “So I’m giving you the opportunity to leave it all behind. To join us in a place where you’ll be respected. Obviously, I’ll have to kill you if you reject it, but I suppose you can have a 24 hour grace period until I send out my hitmen.”
Patting the pocket with the card in it with a smile, Joker turned away from him, pacing forward a few steps to pick his mask up off the ground, shielding his real face from Shuichi once more. He couldn’t help but feel almost disappointed.
“Parting is such sweet sorrow, my Saihara-chan, but I’ve gotta bounce before your cop buddies worry what’s taking you so long. I’ll keep the statue here. You can tell them you scared me off with your intimidating detective skills.” Shuichi couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that statement as Joker walked back towards him.
“Think about my offer, my beloved. I hope to see you very soon.”
Taking Shuichi’s hand in his own, the thief bowed down, lifting his mask ever so slightly to plant a light kiss on the back of his hand. Shuichi felt color flood his cheeks.
The thief sauntered over to the middle of the gallery, the unobscured moonlight from the broken glass dome bathing him in an ethereal light as he unhooked a grappling gun from the belt around his waist.
“Au revoir, my beloved Saihara-chan.”
And just like that, Joker was gone.
Finally separating from the wall, Shuichi felt an unfamiliar object poking at his chest.
That’s right. Joker’s card .
Assuming it to just be the thief’s newest calling card, giving them clues about his next heist, Shuichi pulled it out of his pocket. He felt his jaw nearly drop in shock of what met his eyes instead.
~Kokichi Ouma~
Phantom Thief extraordinaire
For business inquiries please call
xxx-xxx-xxxx
Shuichi couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at the gaudy business card, trailing his eyes up to where the thief had made his grand escape.
I’ll see you later…
He slipped the card carefully back into his pocket.
… my beloved Ouma-kun.