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It’s not exactly something Jiang Cheng is proud of. He’s not necessarily ashamed of it either; all things considered he’s actually pretty neutral about the whole thing. Because that’s what he’s known for. Not feeling things deeply.
It had started - and ended - a long time ago anyway, so there’s no point in feeling any particular way about it at all. It had started in grief and in pain as well, as so many things in Jiang Cheng’s adult life do, and it had ended thanks to a combination of convenience and external factors. That’s natural, that’s just the way life is, and truth be told a lot of good things in Jiang Cheng’s life have ended much more painfully, so that’s something at least.
He’d never started anything at all with the intention of one day sleeping with Jin Guangyao. It hadn’t ever even really crossed his mind until mere moments before it was happening, but in the end those few moments were all it took for him to grab at the promise of relief with both hands and cling to it at a time in his life when everything hurt. Jin Guangyao had brought him his nephew, had traveled with him on foot to Yunmeng all the way from Lanling just to make sure Jin Ling wasn’t hurt or frightened by flying when he was still so little. Jiang Cheng had held his nephew to his chest and tried not to lose his composure right there in the middle of Lotus Pier, and he was so busy trying to keep it together that he hadn’t thought anything of letting Jin Guangyao shepherd him inside his own quarters for a bit of privacy.
And Jin Guangyao had listened to him. Had made sympathetic noises when Jiang Cheng had eventually found the words to confess his fears of failure, his inadequacies, his pain at holding the last member of his family in his arms but being utterly unwilling not to hold him at the same time. Jin Guangyao had been there when there was no one else he could turn to, and he’d never seemed to resent Jiang Cheng’s grief or his temper or anything else about him. They understood each other in a way - both young, both shouldering heavy burdens, both woefully unprepared for the backbiting politics of the Great Sects but forced to play the games anyway whether they were ready or not.
It had taken a while longer after that first visit, but Jiang Cheng privately thinks that their coming together had been inevitable, in a way. He had no illusions about it, of course. It was convenient - they saw each other frequently to pass Jin Ling off, and their meetings weren’t scrutinized as closely as Jin Guangyao’s meetings with his Sworn Brothers - and of course they weren’t watched at all when Jin Guangyao came to Lotus Pier. They knew things about each other that they didn’t share with anyone else, still simply by virtue of convenience.
When Jin Guangyao had propositioned him after a few years, Jiang Cheng couldn’t find any reason to say no. When Jin Guangyao had proven himself knowledgeable on the subject, Jiang Cheng’s only thought had been, ‘ thank the Gods ’. It didn’t matter to him where that knowledge had come from, he was just grateful for its existence. He knew where it had come from of course, but who was he to criticize? Especially when he benefited so thoroughly from it? He had more important things to care about.
There had been a few things that had helped Jiang Cheng slog through the worst of his grief, and while they didn’t all have to do with Jin Guangyao he couldn’t deny that his relationship - if it could be called that - with the other man had been the biggest help. His rebuilding of Lotus Pier was painful and exhausting and reminded him daily of everything that wasn’t the same even as he did everything in his power to remake it into the Lotus Pier of his childhood. Jin Ling was the brightest light in his life, but at the same time every new milestone of his was one more that Jiang Yanli would never see, every new habit or mannerism he picked up that was just like his father was another reminder that the only way either of his nephew’s parents could still exist in this world was through the son they’d barely gotten to know.
Sleeping with Jin Guangyao had been new , and novel, and pleasurable. He’d been a virgin when they’d started, and he was actually grateful to change that in the way that he had rather than agreeing to any of the marriages that were proposed to him that he wouldn’t have had the energy to fake enjoying. At least with Jin Guangyao there were no illusions of love or fidelity - there was only mutual understanding, shared physical pleasure, familiarity.
So. Yes. Jiang Cheng isn’t proud of what he’d done, nor is he ashamed. Their physical relationship, such as it was, had ended when Jin Guangyao had married Qin Su, and Jin Guangyao had remained a steady presence in his life, his co-parent with Jin Ling, a good source of advice every now and again when there was no one else Jiang Cheng could trust. Not that he necessarily trusted Jin Guangyao, he didn’t trust anyone, but he was at least preferable to any of the other Sect Leaders, especially once Jin Guangyao became one in place of his slimy father.
Life went on. Jin Ling grew up, they settled into their lives of responsibility and near-isolation (or at least Jiang Cheng’s was - he still refused to settle for an unwanted marriage even long after he’d stopped fucking around with Jin Guangyao). Everyone praised the sweet-tempered Lianfang-Zun for his fairness and righteousness as Chief Cultivator. Jiang Cheng was there to comfort him in his own way after the loss of Jin Rusong, and for other, much happier milestones in his life. He drank to his health on his birthdays, scolded him for spoiling Jin Ling every time they passed the boy to each other’s care, pointedly did not get into shouting matches with imbecilic minor sect leaders during discussion conferences held at Jinlintai if only to spare Jin Guangyao the extra headache.
Jiang Cheng feels now that he should have realized at some point - maybe even from that first visit of Jin Guangyao’s to Lotus Pier - that all of it would be for nothing, like every other effort in his life except perhaps restarting his Sect nearly from scratch. Now, he looks up at Jin Guangyao in some temple in Yunping, listens to him monologuing and justifying crimes he’s committed for so long under the guise of being so respectable, so kind, so good and caring, and he has to wonder if any of it was ever real. Not that he’d had romantic ideas about it in the first place, of course, but one doesn’t fuck around and co-parent with another man for over a decade and walk away completely unaffected when that man reveals his true manipulative and murderous colors.
“Jin Guangyao,” he sneers, bitter and disgusted (with himself, with Jin Guangyao, with the world). “How vicious you are.”
Jin Guangyao turns that wide- doe-eyed stare of his on him. Jiang Cheng forces himself not to think about nights he’d seen it in the private darkness of his rooms, or over an understanding smile across the conference hall at Jinlintai, or pleading with him to forgive some new bad habit of Jin Ling’s as the boy himself hid behind his indulgent uncle. Jin Guangyao lowers himself slowly until he’s at Jiang Cheng’s level where he’s seated on the floor, a sardonic twist to his lips, his eyes a little wild like a cornered animal, aware that its become the prey but unwilling yet to stop fighting back, still seeking to maintain its control of the situation.
“Am I?” he asks with a faux-innocent tilt of his head, a world of meaning in those dark eyes. Jiang Cheng swallows and forces himself to meet that too-knowing gaze. There are so many years of history between them that it’s not such a simple question, but though Jiang Cheng still isn’t ashamed of what he’s done he’ll never air it out for everyone’s judgment. Not here, not now, not ever. Jin Guangyao is practically daring him to take it back, to remember the times he’d been gentle and understanding, all the times he’d helped. Cared. Jiang Cheng doesn’t know if he can trust any of those memories anymore, but none of this is anything he’s willing to reveal to anyone else. Especially not the man responsible.
Without a response from him, Jin Guangyao takes the opportunity to turn the criticism back on him and continue reminding him of his failures, his mistakes, the things he’s done that he’d confessed to him so many years ago are things he regrets so deeply that they’ll follow him to the grave. Many people in the years since Wei Wuxian’s death have accused him of seeing his once-brother as his mortal enemy; Jiang Cheng’s feelings are more complicated than that in a way he doesn’t frequently think about, painful as they still are. Without Wei Wuxian as a definite enemy, Jiang Cheng hasn’t considered anyone else one either. Now, as he watches Jin Guangyao smirk at him in triumph, he’s more than willing to change his mind.
“Son of a whore” Wei Wuxian says thoughtfully from where he’s tied up next to Lan Wangji, and Jiang Cheng feels a surge of guilt tangled painfully with vindictive satisfaction when Jin Guangyao’s smug smirk instantly falls into something much more pained and vulnerable. It’s an expression Jiang Cheng has seen hints of before over the intervening years. It’s an expression he’s managed many times to wipe from the other man’s face in one way or another. This time, he doesn’t do anything at all to stop his brother from twisting the tired old barb in just a little deeper, and with a mental wrench Jiang Cheng gives up any lingering trace of hope in salvaging whatever it is they’d once had.
Once his lover, then his partner (of sorts), and now his enemy, Jiang Cheng watches Jin Guangyao’s life fall apart in front of his eyes and all he can manage to feel is tired.