Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There are times in a man’s life when he has to woman up. Whatever that means, it’s not what you think it does. Or maybe it is. Interpretation is a complex thing, isn’t it? And the way Erwin saw it, womanning up was the best way to put it. Nile wasn’t happy to say the least.

Rewinding that a bit, Nile Dok and Erwin Smith were FBI agents, old friends, and had gotten to the force through sheer hard work, unlike Zackley and Magath, their sworn enemies. Erwin had a fundamental dislike for anything that resembled privilege based on who your family was. And that was the reason those two nasty bastards were assigned easy, yet flashy cases and kept getting points while he and Nile were stuck wearing wigs and wearing costumes to go undercover and catch criminals. Often on weak leads that caused to get an innocent person under arrest.

Their latest fuck up had been having to dress up as the owners of a fish shop, with latex masks and all, making themselves look older, where Erwin posed as Nile’s son. When the fish sellers came in the store talking about the frozen fish, they thought they were the right guys. But they weren’t. And the two agents, barely into their 30s, harmed innocent men. When the actual drug dealers showed up, they dipped after scattering actual dead, frozen fish all over the shop and half the street.

“Chief, the lead we had was that the criminals posed as fish sellers,” Erwin said, standing his ground, “that is a fish shop. We didn’t have a description of the suspects.”

“You should have known, shouldn’t you?” Chief Pyxis said and Erwin stared at him.

“If I had psychic powers, I’d have put it in my CV, Chief,” he said, and Pyxis was going to say something when Nile’s phone rang in his pocket. The ringtone was ‘You’re Beautiful’ by James Blunt. Erwin snorted.

“I have to, give me a second, Chief, please,” he hastily picked it up and Marie started yelling from the other side, “Honey, I’m, this isn’t a good time, I’m covered in fish and my Chief is pissed, I’ll call you back. Bye,” he said and hung up.

“Very funny, Smith. You were supposed to check the contents to check,” Pyxis said and Erwin looked at him, annoyed.

“This was a usual transaction, they’d be offended if we did that, Chie-,” he was interrupted by Pyxis’s phone ringing in his pocket. It was a basic ringtone.

He picked it up. “Hello?” he looked at Nile, “Yes, ma’am, he’s right here and I was scolding him and his partner… yes, they are covered in fish,” he looked at Nile and pursed his lips before passing him the phone and Nile sighed, “it’s for you.”

“Honey, I’m still here with my boss, getting scolded. We’ll talk later, okay? Bye,” he said and passed the phone back, “Sorry.”

“As I was saying, this is yet another blunder and it’ll go on your file,” Pyxis said and stepped away from a melting sad fish on the sidewalk, “now help these nice people clean up the mess you made.”

As soon as he was out of there, Erwin got pissed again. “That asshole,” he complained as he helped people clean up the mess, “I will say that we’re being treated unfairly while Magath and Zackley get royal treatment because they had family in the force.”

“And then risk losing your job. Count me out of that one,” Nile said, accidentally chucking a fish at a guy’s face when he threw it in the back of the pick-up truck, “sorry. I’m also covered in fish, my wife is mad at me and my boss is a dick. Don’t fucking start anything with me, man.”

Everyone at the headquarters heard about the ‘fishy situation’ and made fun of them yet again for messing up. Erwin was angry and Nile was angry but it was Erwin who lost his patience with Magath and Zackley when they tried to bully them as usual.

“Yeah, we get in fishy situations, but you get easy cases in fishy ways because you have famous parents,” he said and stared at them.

“How dare you!? We’re here out of merit!” Magath said, “The Chief will hear about this!”

“Whatever,” Erwin said and scoffed, “tell him that America has a strong history of not giving jobs to people with famous families just because of that. I’ve read your files. You’re mediocre at best,” he said and stepped forward, smiling, “the press would love to hear about that, wouldn’t they?”

The two shut up, seething, but left them alone.

“You’re really a fucking nutjob,” Nile complained watching them walk away, “they can actually spin that shit and screw us over. And unlike you, I have a wife who’ll be mad if I lose a high-paying job because my partner is a reckless idiot and can’t shut up.”

“I’m pissed, alright?” Erwin defended. They weren’t even allowed to go a meeting about a new, important case, because of their mistake, “Those two will get the new case and come out as heroes again, even though there’ll be a whole file of details about it and it’ll be something we’d do with our eyes closed.”

“Yeah, life isn’t fair, suck it up and follow the rules. You can’t change the system. Let go of that damn dream. It’s not going to happen,” Nile groused when they both sat down like losers drinking burnt coffee outside of the headquarters.

“It’s not, if nobody does anything to change it,” Erwin argued, “I’m not going to stand back and watch people like your wife get screwed over and won’t stand back and watch them break the American values that are actually worth anything,” he said and drank his coffee, frowning.

“You’re on your own there, man. Look, you’re gay and hiding it because these people suck and would give you shit for it. That sucks. But understand that I want no part in your rebel agenda. I have a wife and she’s been hinting at wanting kids. I can’t afford to lose this job if I want to give my family a comfortable life,” Nile said.

Erwin huffed and crumpled his cup, binning it. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re a wimp.”

“I’m not a wimp, I’m reasonable and love my wife, who’s pissed as shit and always suspicious that I have someone on the side because I work overtime and then have to go to the shitty drinking outings to try to mingle with these assholes,” Nile defended.

“I know you do, and I get what you’re saying,” Erwin said and looked at him, “but you’re still conforming to the system that puts your wife in danger.”

“She’s safe. She’s married to a cop.”

“Most black people aren’t married to cops, Nile,” Erwin said and gave him a hard stare, “you’re selfish.”

“And you’re not?” Nile clapped back, “I know that. I’m the one with the black wife, and when we have kids, I’ll be extra careful to protect my children. And your recklessness puts my family’s life in danger because my wife and future kids will lose the privilege of having a white father who is a cop,” Nile said and Erwin huffed standing up.

“You’re saying that as if I live in paradise. All I have going is being a white cop. I can’t even date anyone,” Erwin said and scoffed, “I don’t want to argue. We’ll be assigned more stupid cases in the future and the backups will always be late to help us out. They need small fish like us to make privileged bastards like Magath and Zackley look good.”

“No more fish talk,” Nile said and huffed, binning his cup, “and look,” he stood up as well, “sorry I said that, man. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.”

“I understand you, but you don’t understand me,” Erwin said, still mad, but then he saw the other agents filing out of the room and Chief Pyxis coming out of there, annoyed. He walked up to him.

“Chief, we want in on the case somehow. We’re sorry about getting the wrong guy. We want to prove that we’re not incompetent, and-“

Pyxis stared up at him and pursed his lips before saying. “You’re in.”

Nile and Erwin looked at each other in disbelief. “Thanks, Chief, we won’t disappoint you again,” Erwin said.

“Yeah,” he said and handed him the file, “it’s all there. Good luck.”

Erwin read the file in the car while Nile drove them to a bar to have a couple of drinks before inevitably having to face his wife.

“Half-sisters Historia and Frieda Reiss, heiresses of the Reiss Empire. Kenny Ackerman was imprisoned after a series of kidnappings to get ransom money. Recently got out and they think he’s going to strike again and retaliate against the Reiss family because it was Rod Reiss who testified against him. Uri Reiss, his brother, is the head of the family and the one who raised these girls,” Erwin said, looking at the file, “Hm,” Erwin said, looking at the pictures, “but all we have to do is make sure that the girls get to this rich people fashion event,” Erwin said and sighed, putting the file in the glovebox, “that sounds easy enough, I guess. It’s just babysitting. Better than not getting in the case at all, I guess,” he said and opened the window.

“Look, man, this is fine. It’s whatever. They’re just some rich girls. We take them to the party thing and we’re off,” Nile said, “it’ll be fine.”

And the truth was that it was. Historia and Frieda Reiss were obviously rich girls who wore chic expensive outfits, but they were agreeable and polite.

But they had an elderly cat. Historia was carrying it in a little carrier and the poor thing looked half-blind and had trouble breathing.

“Be careful with Sapphire, she’s very old,” Historia said passing Nile the cat, that groaned lightly, and giving their bags to Erwin.

The trip started out nice, normal, the girls sat in the back with their cat, and Erwin drove the car with Nile on the passenger seat.

And then it happened.

“Sapphire? Sapphire!? Baby girl!” Historia cried and pulled the panting cat out of the carrier. Frieda freaked out.

“Oh no, oh no! Sapphire!” she cried and Nile looked back while Erwin widened his eyes fixing them on the road. The cat was groaning and panting and reached a little old paw to Historia’s face and patted her wet cheek before looking back at Frieda and meowing weakly. Those were her last words, “She’s dead!”

Erwin teared up when he heard the girls start crying loudly, hugging their old friend. Nile was horrified with those girls and Erwin crying. And a dead cat in the car.

“Oh God,” Nile covered his eyes.

“It’s not your fault,” Frieda said, “she was, she was very old… it was a matter of time, we knew it was.”

The girls didn’t want to go to the party anymore. They asked them to drop them off at a train station, because they were going to go somewhere they’d used to spend their summer holidays as kids to bury their cat.

“Can’t you bury her in, uh, I don’t know, a nice pet cemetery where you can go all the time?” Nile panicked, “Isn’t this event very important?”

“We can go anywhere we want all the time and our friend is more important than a stupid event where we have to see people we don’t even like!” Historia said, still crying, her makeup a mess, “We want to bury her where we found her. Finding Sapphire is the first memory I have!” she cried harder after saying that and Frieda was also crying but tried to comfort her.

“Be careful!” Erwin said when they got on the train with their bags and the carrier with their dead cat in it, “And let us know how you’re doing, please! We were assigned to protect you!”

They watched the train speed off from the platform, waving at it like idiots with the sun burning their scalp.

“We’re fucked,” Nile said, the grimace on his face seemingly frozen, “we’re so fucked. We’ll be blamed for the cat’s death.”

“They said it wasn’t our fault.”

“Yes, and the Chief will fucking care, especially after we let them go alone on a train with a maniac fresh out of prison who wants to kidnap them,” Nile said.

“Nile, think,” Erwin reasoned, “nobody will expect them to be on a train and they were going stealth. Nobody will know where they are and the place is in Louisiana. Nobody will think of looking there.”

“No, you think! They’re all expecting them, they won’t show up and said they won’t even say where they are,” Nile raised his voice, “we’re fucked, Erwin! We’re really fucked. I’m gonna lose my job and my wife is gonna leave me and I will die in a ditch, drunk,” he fretted and the Darth Vader theme song came from Erwin’s pocket, “Oh God, it’s him!”

Erwin picked up and smiled. He always did that when he was going to lie through his teeth. “Hey, Chief,” he greeted, “oh, don’t worry, we just stopped because they needed to use the bathroom. We’ll be right there. Tell Magath and Zackley we’ll-“

“Don’t li-“ Nile started and then screeched when Erwin gripped his balls full force making him smack his arm and whimper.

“Nothing’s wrong, Chief,” Erwin said, smiling and twisting Nile’s balls, making him cry and get all red in the face.

“I want to have children,” Nile screeched in despair, almost voiceless.

“Everything’s alright, Chief. Nile has trapped gas, very painful. We’ll be there in a bit, don’t worry. See you soon and thank you again for this opportunity!”

He let go of Nile’s balls when he hung up and Nile fell on his knees, whimpering and crying. “You bastard! What if I can’t have kids after this!?”

“Oh don’t be a baby, cock and ball torture is a thing and people don’t become infertile because of it… usually,” Erwin said and Nile punched his shin, “Ow!”

“Should be worse! And you lied! What the fuck are we going to do!? The girls aren’t going to the damn event, Erwin!” Nile screeched, desperate but Erwin was getting his phone again and looking for a number.

“Hey, Mike, we need your skills again,” he said into the speaker before a confused Nile.

Nile Dok wanted to quit when he realised what Erwin’s absurd plan was. He’d been chewed out by Marie the previous night for getting home 10 minutes later than he was supposed to. And he didn’t get why she was always so suspicious of him. Had she looked at herself and then back at him? He was lucky she had terrible taste in men because she was stunning. He’d never get someone on the side when he had her at home and had been granted the privilege of marrying him.

And now he was in the studio of a group of people who specialised in disguises, getting his measures taken to build a replica of the girls’ faces to put on his own face. It was established that he’d be Frieda and Erwin would be Historia because the eye colour was similar and Erwin was also blond which made it easier to fit him a wig. But Historia was shorter than Frieda. And didn’t look like a bodybuilder.

“Um, I think you have bigger… uh, pectorals than Historia has breasts,” Nanaba said, after fitting Erwin with a latex mask that made his face look rounder and cuter, “but we need to… we need to make them look like, you know,” she grabbed her own breasts.

“I think the size of his tits is the least of our problems. Historia Reiss is 4’9’’, Erwin is 6’2’’,” Nile said as he tried on the silicone tits they’d made for him, “at least I’m just a little taller than Frieda. This is so not going to work, man. You look like you fucking consumed the girl, absorbed her energy, and kept her face, but turned her into a bodybuilder.”

“We can say I got bone enlargement surgery because that’s… fashionable and then, uh, they injected me something that was supposed to speed up the healing process and accidentally gave me, uh, steroids?” Erwin suggested, ignoring the cannibalistic implications of Nile’s statement.

Nanaba sputtered as she tried to work out how to give him little breasts when he already had so much going.

And in the end they were given some clothes and heels, and their faces looked very close to the girls’ faces, but while Nile looked more or less like Frieda, Erwin looked like a ripped, massive girl with a cute face. Unlike Historia, who was a short, skinny girl with a cute face. He did have the striking blue eyes like she did, so that was a good thing at least.

“You look like that meme of the shredded dude dressed up as Dora, the Explorer,” Nile said when they got out of the taxi in front of the fancy hotel where they’d be staying with bags full of assorted clothes some of Mike and Nanaba’s associates had thrifted for them.

Erwin snorted and grabbed his phone, flicking the hair of the wig back. “Hey, Chief. We’re leaving. The girls are at the door. We don’t want them to suspect that they’re in danger or clock Magath and Zackley. Again, thank you for the opportunity, sir!”

He hung up and pocketed his phone after putting it on silent mode. Nile looked like a pretty girl, but was terribly uncomfortable. Erwin, on the other hand, looked quite happy to be in a dress and heels and nobody would suspect that was a men in a silicone mask. He cleared his throat and did his best falsetto. It wasn’t bad.

“Now you,” Erwin said.

Nile cleared his throat and pitched up his voice. It sounded squeaky and weird but it would have to do. He adjusted the fake boobs he’d been given and groaned before they walked up to the marble stairs of the hotel on that scorching sunny day, sweating wildly under that silicone. Zackley was posing as a valet.

“Good afternoon, Miss Historia Reiss, Miss Frieda Reiss. My name is Zackley,” he said and smiled, courteously. Erwin slammed his bag onto his chest and he gasped. Nile knew it was revenge and viciously did the same.

“Thank you, Zacklard, you can take our bags. Careful, they’re worth more than your life,” Nile said in falsetto and hooked his arm on Erwin’s for stability. Erwin was walking in heels like it was nothing, but he was struggling.

Magath was posing as the receptionist and smiled at them. He looked even uglier when he smiled. Erwin made a face that looked even more disgusted with the cute girl mask.

“We’ve been expecting you, ladies,” Magath said and looked up at Erwin, “I was… under the impression that you’d be… um, shorter… and less…”

Erwin was both in character as a girl but also taking the chance to get back at those two assholes. “I will have you know that being a tall girl is very fashionable, not that a pleb like you would know that,” he said in a rather believable falsetto, flicking back the long hair, and his lower lip trembled. Nile blinked seeing him fake sad, “I am working on the lawsuit against the people who injected me with… with steroids instead of pain medicine after my growth surgery! And I will sue you,” he pointed a fake pink nail at him and glared, “for being insensitive and talking to me about something I’m self-conscious about! I need therapy! Actually, Frieda, hold my purse,” he screeched dramatically, and snatched a piece of paper and a pen from behind the reception desk before a terrified Magath, “I’m writing a letter to your boss! I will!” he said and read aloud while writing, “Dear Mr,” he looked at Magath with flickering eyes, “Hotel Manager, your receptionist was rude and made inappro-“

Pyxis showed up behind Magath, posing as the manager. “Is there an issue here, Theo?”

“No, sir!”

“Yes, there is!” Erwin screeched in falsetto and pointing a shaking finger at him, “This man was rude to me because I am not girly enough after I fell victim to medical negligence!”

“Theo,” Pyxis said through gritted teeth after smiling at Nile who was playing along and comforting his ‘sister’ who was wailing, “These very beautiful young women are our VIP guests. Give them the cards to their rooms immediately,” he said and Magath fumbled to get the cards, “I’m very sorry, young ladies. On behalf of my employee. You are even cuter in person than the pictures suggested.”

“Aw, thank you,” Erwin sniffled and looked at him, smiling, “you look just like Clint Eastwood! It’s uncanny! Has anyone ever told you that?”

Pyxis looked flattered but still pissed at Magath. “Actually, yes, a couple of times… yes,” he said and smiled before giving Magath a deadly look.

“It’s truly so odd!” Nile said and smiled, giggling when he heard Erwin’s high-pitched, falsetto giggle.

“I’m a big fan of Clint Eastwood, love an older, charming man!” he said and smiled, batting his fake eyelashes before walking off with Nile.

Nile had to high five him when they were in their shared suite. “This sucks but that was satisfying as hell. Clint Eastwood, though,” he said and snorted.

“It’s not that bad, Nile,” Erwin said and smiled, “and we got to sock it back to those bastards.”

“I’m sweating like a pig.”

“Doesn’t matter, this is fun, and we see that the story sticks, I can pass for Historia.”

“Yeah, until someone who actually knows the girls clocks us,” Nile said and sighed, awkward pulling the wig hair back.

They knew more or less what they had to do and got changed into different clothes after showering and putting back the assets and makeup along with perfume.

“Ah!” someone gasped and Erwin and Nile looked around, “Frieda and Historia!”

Erwin and Nile looked at the three girls, smiling but anxious. “Oh… hey, girls!” Erwin said in a jolly falsetto.

The girls walked up to them and looked at them a bit confused. “Um… you look… tall, Historia, and… beefy,” one of them, a redhead girl with a high ponytail, said, “what happened?”

Erwin pulled up the very distraught act again. “I got bone enlargement surgery and they gave me, they gave me steroids,” he said in a wailed falsetto, “I haven’t been the same! I look awful! And it affected my memory!”

Nile was shocked with how clever that was.

“Oh, honey, no, no,” another girl, a short girl with black hair and an aquiline nose said, “I’m Pieck Finger, this is Mikasa, and that is Sasha Blouse. We’re your friends, we’ve known you since we were kids and you’re not ugly! You’re beautiful! Being a tall girl is in! Lots of models are tall!”

Erwin sniffled and accepted the group hug that Nile joined in.

“And to be fair,” Sasha said, sniffling, and taking a good look at Erwin’s ass, “your butt looks amazing! Wow! Maybe I want some steroids as well!”

Erwin giggled. Nile did an affected gesture and pitched up his voice. “I told her that. Her butt will have guys fawning all over her!”

That worked. They were meant to go mingle with the people at the event and they were in the right place. But those people were all rich and they made around $40,000 a year after taxes. Not $40,000 every day. Or hour. Or whatever. Even their clothes were out of place. Nile passed as Frieda better than Erwin passed for Historia on steroids, but he did look like her. Just tall. And shredded. And with a juicier ass.

Nile was right, while people were shocked to see buff Historia, they did find this new version of her beautiful and more than anything, people stared at that ass. The corset thing he was made to wear to create the illusion of a more slender waistline and hold up the tits they’d put over his actual tits made him look like a tall, beautiful woman.

“Oh, shit, it’s Uri Reiss,” Nile whispered a fretted when the short middle-aged man walked up to them, smiling, and leaned up to kiss his cheek before Erwin smiled and leaned over to let him do the same to him. He greeted the three girls behind them.

“Hello, my dear girls,” Uri said and looked from Nile to Erwin, “you look taller… but just as beautiful.”

“Oh, uncle…” Erwin said in falsetto, “I made a mistake… I wanted to be taller! And then they gave me steroids… I don’t think I’m beautiful anymore, nobody will love me like this,” he wailed. Uri patted his very tall niece’s arm and smiled.

“Sweetheart, you’re beautiful. Don’t worry about it, nobody will think less of you for that. In fact, they will think more, won’t they? They will think twice before thinking you’re just a silly little girl,” Uri said and smiled gently, “we’ll talk later, unfortunately there’s many people I need to talk to. And your dad isn’t coming until tomorrow in the evening for the fashion show.”

“Oh,” Erwin said and exchanged a look with Nile. Was that supposed to be good or bad?, “Okay,” he tried, as neutral as he could. Uri smiled.

“You’re used to it by now,” Uri said and patted his and Nile’s arms, “excuse me now, angels.”

Uri walked off to go talk to some people and Erwin and Nile sighed but didn’t have time to think about it because Mikasa, Pieck and Sasha walked up to them. They urged them to go get some snacks and that didn’t matter anymore when Sasha blushed seeing the catering guy who looked at her and blushed as well.

“You should go say hi, at least,” Pieck said, “I know you’re worried about the status difference, but it’s painful to see that boy every time and you two looking like idiots without doing anything.”

“And he won’t do it,” Mikasa stated, “because he’s probably more worried about the status difference than you are.”

Erwin and Nile smiled awkwardly and nodded. Sasha whined and grabbed the tray of snacks from one the staffers and glared at him, making him scurry away. “He’s so cute…” she said and stuffed a whole quiche in her mouth, “and cooks so well… I don’t know what I’d say to him,” she said and sighed through a full mouth.

“He is cute,” Erwin agreed and smiled, “I think all you have to do is say ‘hi, I think you’re cute and cook very well, maybe we can hang out sometime’,” he suggested in that almost believable falsetto.

“Oh, you don’t know guys, he’ll think I’m easy… or that I’m just playing with him, because my family is rich,” Sasha said and pouted through a mouthful of quiche.

Nile and Erwin exchanged a look and Erwin thought of being a wingman, he was good at that, but then Pieck was the one to blush. They looked around and saw a slimy looking blond guy with a long blond beard and glasses, being all laughy and friendly with some equally slimy looking white girl. A second white girl, who looked just like the first one but with a different haircut and dress, gave him a look when she noticed him staring.

“What does he see in her?” Pieck said, way too bummed about that guy who didn’t even deserve to get the attention of those bland looking girls, let alone a beauty like Pieck.

“I keep telling you that you should cut Zeke off,” Mikasa said simply. She was the only of the three girls who didn’t smile and she didn’t leave anything unsaid. As if she had nothing else to lose, “he’s just using you to have fun while also having sex with Lucy Fitzpatrick.”

There was a second guy near the slimy Zeke guy. He looked less slimy, had long brown hair and dark-skin, his green eyes stood out and he looked sad when Mikasa looked away the second their eyes met.

Nile sighed deeply. He had a wife at home. He’d told her he’d be going undercover for the weekend and couldn’t be contacted and she’d been livid. The looming feeling that she’d dump him was overwhelming. And there he was, in his thirties, an FBI agent and his partner, both dressed up as a 20-year-old and an 18-year-old respectively. He felt like one of those actors in teen movies. 35 and pretending to be a cute 20-year-old girl.

And then these young girls and their issues with crushes and whatever the hell was up with that.

“Honey, I think Mikasa is right, I don’t like his look…” Erwin said in his falsetto.

“But he’s so nice and manly… I bet that Lucy tricked him… or I’m just ugly,” she said, dejected, “I want to get my nose done. I don’t have a cute button nose like her… and I get tired quickly.”

Erwin stared at her as if she was crazy. “Excuse me? For a gross guy like that? Your nose is beautiful, sweetie,” he said, genuinely angry then, but not breaking character too much, “don’t mutilate your face for someone who looks like he thinks showering is optional,” he said, accidentally sassy, and Sasha choked before bursting out laughing as Mikasa patted her back.

“Historia, Zeke is a cousin of yours… not Eren, he’s the son of another woman Grisha slept with,” Pieck said a bit sad but looking a bit amused, “I think I should put in some steroids as well, I want to loosen my tongue as well,” she said quietly and sighed, “I need to sit down a bit…” she said and Sasha and Mikasa quickly hastened her over to one of the wicker, outdoor couches on the lawn under a parasol, “I wish I wasn’t always tired… that’s why he prefers Lucy and doesn’t break up with her to be with me, like he says he will…”

Nile groaned. “Listen, Pieck,” he started pulling up a falsetto but sounding way too annoyed, “he won’t break up with her or whatever he’s been telling you. When a man says that, he’s lying and when he’s not, chances are that he’ll cuck you as well.”

“Oh my God, Frieda, you sound so crude!” Sasha said giving the empty tray to a passing staffer, “You also changed in the last six months.”

“Yeah, my sister has been doing really poorly lately, I’m upset,” he lied on the spot, his shitty falsetto in place, crossing his arms under his fake tits. Erwin smiled a little, “But it’s true. Trust me. Don’t let that asshole toy with you.”

“He keeps saying that not all guys would be as patient as he is with my condition…” Pieck said, “and he’s right.”

“Sure,” Erwin said, the sass on as well as the falsetto, standing in front of the three sitting girls, “a straight guy who looks like that and doesn’t like it when the girl is tired to fuck her as he pleases,” Sasha gasped when he said that, “I’m sorry for swearing but the truth is the truth, honey.”

“You sound like you know a lot about guys… but you’re a virgin, Historia... how can you know all that?” Sasha asked.

“Must be the steroids,” Nile said and Erwin shrugged, giving Zeke the dirty eye and then noticed that the girls he was with were now walking towards them.

“Oh no,” Pieck said.

“What?”

“Stacy and Lucy Fitzpatrick, they’re awful and have been bullying us since we were kids?” Sasha said, “Did you also forget that? Oh, no.”

“Well, well, well,” the one with the short blond bob haircut said, putting her hands on her waist, “if it isn’t the losers gang and… oh my God, what happened to you? You look like a bodybuilder,” she said looking at Erwin who looked down at her and smiled.

“Which means I could put you to sleep in 10 seconds,” he said in a sweet falsetto and she gasped, “you must be Stacy. I can never tell, you two look exactly the same and have about as much personality as a used napkin.”

Pieck and Sasha gasped. Mikasa covered her mouth and looked away.

They two girls were livid. “Well, uh, at least we’re not hanging out with criminals!”

“Mikasa isn’t a criminal! You take that back!” Sasha yelled standing up, emboldened by having Historia, the bodybuilder, beside her.

“Leave it, Sasha. It’s not worth it, they’re assholes,” Mikasa said and gave them an angry look.

“What about you, hooked nose skank? Too tired to say anything?”

Nile wasn’t having that stupid argument with stupid kids. “Why don’t you go back to where you came from? Are your lives so boring that you have to be rude bitches for no reason? Does it make you feel like you have a personality?” he said in his angry, terrible falsetto.

“Ah, the wishy-washy ugly bitch talks now,” the one with the long, straight blonde hair said.

Nile was so annoyed he felt like he’d blow the cover from that interaction alone. “First of all, I’m not ugly, nobody here is. Not physically anyway. You two are awful people, though, so that makes you the ugliest people I’ve ever met in my entire life,” he said and did an affected gesture to mask his shitty falsetto.

Sasha gasped and the two blond girls looked at him like they’d been slapped.

“This isn’t over!” Stacy shrieked before they both stormed off.

“Oh my God, Frieda,” Pieck said and looked at Nile, smiling, “that was so cool.”

“It really was!” Erwin said and flicked the hair of his wig back, “I’m so proud of you, sister!”

“What was that about being a criminal?” Nile asked Mikasa, ignoring the praise.

“Ackerman,” Mikasa said and looked at him, “and Kenny. I’m going by Aoyama for the time being… until they clean Kenny’s name.”

Nile exchanged a look with Erwin. They didn’t know Mikasa was related to Kenny Ackerman. “Clean Kenny’s name?”

“Yes, I can’t say much more,” Mikasa said and it was final. But the two FBI agents dressed up as girls took a mental note of that.

“It’s painful to see Eren look so sad, Mikasa,” Sasha said, ignoring the stuff about Kenny Ackerman.

“I don’t care,” she said bluntly, “he made his choice. If he chooses to suck up to Zeke and doesn’t even say anything about what he’s doing to Pieck, I don’t want to be near him.”

“Atta girl,” Erwin said and Mikasa looked at him. Erwin smiled, “I mean… that’s great, you’re doing great, sweetie! And I’m going to talk the catering boy for you, Sasha,” he said and didn’t give Sasha time to stop him. Nile looked at him, wary and groaning.

“She’s been very brash since the surgery… and the steroids,” he said and sat down, catching himself on time to seat with his legs together.

Erwin approached the catering boy who looked a bit scared. “Hi! I’m Historia Reiss, friend of Sasha Blouse, who is right there,” he pointed and smiled, “and I want you to know that she thinks you’re really cute but is scared of you not wanting to be with her because of the social difference. What’s your name?”

“Uh, Ni-Niccolò… Alighieri,” he said and Erwin smiled.

“Oh, like Dante! That’s nice! You’re Italian?”

“Yes… and, um, I… I’ve noticed her, she’s beautiful, and has a pretty smile… she also loves the food, but she’s… she’s an uptown girl,” he said.

Erwin snorted. “Okay, Italian Billy Joel, I think that uptown girl is into downtown men, so you’re full of luck, I’ll tell her to come over,” he said and winked, giggling before dashing over to where Nile dressed up as Frieda and the girls were.

“Sasha, go talk to him. His name is Niccolò Alighieri, like Dante Alighieri! Isn’t that amazing? He’s Italian!” Erwin urged and hauled her to her feet and gave her a push that almost made her fall over and she gasped, but did go. Niccolò blushed hard and smiled when she giggled and talked to him but they seemed to hit it off nicely.

“Now that’s a cute, normal crush,” Nile said and Mikasa stared at him, “what? It’s true,” he said, “Er- Historia is a great wingwoman,” he said. That was true. Erwin was a great wingman. It’d been thanks to him that he’d gotten to talk to Marie, the cute banker girl.

“At least Niccolò looks like he showers,” Erwin said and flicked his hair back, something that he found he liked doing. It made him feel confident.

Pieck chuckled. “You really don’t like Zeke, Historia,” she said, “I had a feeling you didn’t, but you were always… well, a bit uptight, I think… but then we all are, that’s why we’re single… or side girls.”

Sasha returned a while later, looking all sorts of happy. “He asked me on a date! Oh my God, next week! I think we need to go shopping!”

“That’d be great, we could use the distraction,” Mikasa said and stood up, hooking her arm with Pieck’s and helping her stand, “do you need your wheelchair?”

“Just the cane… wouldn’t want to bother you,” Pieck said and sighed, “can someone get it for me, please?”

Sasha rushed to go get it after taking her room’s card. They waited and Erwin wanted to offer to carry her. She was tiny and he was a big gay man who just wanted to help.

But then he saw him and pushed that aside while Sasha didn’t return.

“Who’s that?”

“Who’s that?” Mikasa asked, a bit annoyed, “What kind of steroids did they give you? Sue them all. That’s my cousin Levi, he’s a journalist,” she said, “and he’s cool with having an interview with you, but expect him to ask things about the Reiss family.”

“Oh, I’m okay with that,” Erwin pretending to be Historia, the bodybuilder, said, “I’ll go there and talk to him.”

Levi was with a black man who wore a rosary around his neck along with a professional camera and when Erwin got closer realised that he was just his type – short and aloof. He looked from his midriff to his smiling face and raised an eyebrow.

“Historia Reiss?”

“Yes!” Erwin said in falsetto, “And you’re Mr Levi, uh…”

“Ackerman,” he said bluntly, “I’m not ashamed of my name,” he said and looked closer, “I’ve seen you before, you were shorter. Much shorter.”

Erwin was bummed. “I… went through a procedure to get taller and got injected with… steroids,” he repeated the same lie again.

Levi scoffed and shook his head. “Is that some new trend? Getting taller?”

“Yes… but now I look awful,” Erwin said in falsetto and the sadness was only half-fake. He assumed Levi would have liked him better if he was a short, cute girl and not a massive… girl.

“It’s what’s inside that counts,” Onyankopon said and smiled, “I didn’t marry my wife because she’s conventionally beautiful. I married her because her soul is beautiful.”

“And yet she’s still beautiful outside as well,” Levi said and snorted but then looked at Erwin, “you’re the furthest from ugly I can think of. I like tall people. The only issue I have is that you’re a kid, so if you were looking for something else from me, I’m sorry but no can do.”

People.

“Oh so you’re…”

“Bisexual, yes, not ashamed of that one either,” he said and Erwin could see the genes there. The same energy as Mikasa, “and you’re looking at me with those eyes, and I’m again telling you that I don’t date wildly younger people,” he said, and Erwin felt himself get even more sweaty under the latex of the mask, “so, you like short guys, is that it?”

“Um, yes, actually…” Erwin said in falsetto, feeling awkward and chuckling.

“You into pegging?” Levi asked bluntly and Erwin widened his eyes, blinking, “That’s usually the reason girls like short guys. Suddenly they want to be some dominatrix because I’m short.”

“That sucks,” Erwin said and it saddened him genuinely. Girls were treated like freaks for being tall and guys were treated like they were inferior or less manly for being short. We really do live in a society. “I, uh, I’m not into pegging, no… I’m ga-great at, uh, not doing that!” Erwin said and smiled awkwardly, “Um, Mikasa said you would have an interview with me?”

“Yeah,” Levi said, “are you free later today?”

“Yes!” Erwin said in falsetto, “I’ll, um, I’ll wait here and you’ll pick me up?”

Levi smiled a little. “Sounds good to me. Good chat. Never talked about pegging on a first meeting. We’ll talk later, then.”

Erwin breathed heavily and Nile gave him a look when he joined him and the girls Pieck had a shiny golden cane with flowers.

“Pieck, um, I also got stronger, so I can carry you,” Erwin said in falsetto, hoping not to blow his cover.

“I mean… really?”

“Yeah!” Erwin said and smiled and Pieck sighed.

She took Erwin’s offer to be carried out of there like a princess. Nile was wary about it but he knew Erwin. Erwin had a heart of gold. He wouldn’t let someone struggle when he could easily help them, even if it could blow his already flimsy cover.

“Those steroids were really something,” she said and leant her head on his shoulder like a child who’s being carried to bed, “I could get used to someone carrying me around like this… but nobody would ever do that for me.”

“I’m sure someone will come along, dear,” Erwin said before people’s baffled looks as he carried Pieck out of there. What people thought didn’t matter. What mattered was Pieck’s comfort.

The shopping experience was… an experience for the two men dressed as girls.

Erwin had fun helping the girls pick outfits at the expensive stores. He was a gay man, he didn’t feel awkward at all and didn’t mind having to ask for the biggest size, which made the girls comfortable. Nile on the other hand was given an outfit that was too small for him but he didn’t know and then he tried it on.

“It doesn’t fit!” he screeched from the changing booth.

“I’m sure it does!” Sasha said, “You’re skinny, Frieda!”

Nile groaned and struggled to get his junk into some tight leather pants and it was true, he was skinny, but not that skinny. He walked out of there like he was about to piss or shit himself – maybe both – hunched over and struggling to breath, the wig dishevelled, and sweating. He tried to smile and Erwin winced.

“It looks great!” the store clerk said, because of course she did.

“Stand up straight!” Sasha urged and Nile didn’t have to fake the falsetto whine.

“Stand up straight,” he whimpered, “okay…” he said and looked at the mirror before slowly standing up straight. His ballsack had been being so mistreated lately that he was sure he’d never have kids and if Marie didn’t leave him for thinking he was cheating, she’d leave him for only shooting blanks.

He straightened up and for a second it looked like all was well but then the silver button of the pants burst out of them and hit the mirror. Loudly. Erwin gasped and pulled the girls towards him as a reflex and turned around. It sounded like a gunshot and several people at the shop screamed until they were told all was well. And Nile got a nice dress instead to give his dick and balls some damn rest. How the hell did girls with dicks and balls cope with compressing them? He had even more respect for trans women after that experience.

Erwin purchased a way out of budget black dress for his meeting with Levi, the hot, crude journalist who was also an Ackerman. It made his ass look fantastic and he decided to leave the corset and the fake tits there and only put a bra over his actual tits.

“Erwin don’t be reckless,” Nile warned seeing how carefully he was preparing himself that evening, “I know you’re gay and you have a thing for short, cranky dudes but don’t blow the cover, man, seriously. We’ll be in deep trouble and we need to keep the disguise up for another day.”

“I know, it’ll be fine, I’m even going as a girl,” he said and did the falsetto. Nile was in pink pyjamas waiting for the girls who wanted to have a slumber party, which Historia had to skip on because the interview was important both for Historia herself and for the FBI case.

Levi was waiting for Erwin at the hotel’s lobby wearing a suit but in a casual way. The collar of his shirt was unbuttoned and the jacket only had one button closed. He looked at Erwin like he was seeing a whole snack and even licked his lips. Erwin smiled, but was a little wary. Levi had said he wasn’t interested in younger people. That could be a bad sign.

“Your body is amazing and I’m sorry I have no manners,” Levi said and huffed, taking Erwin’s arm and leading him out of there into his car, “Whatever steroids they gave you, damn. That’s some revolutionary shit.”

Erwin didn’t mind the lack of manners. In fact, he found them honest and thus charming. Levi wasn’t rude when they sat at the restaurant and he said he knew she was rich, but he wanted to pay for the meal to at least have a semblance of being a gentleman and not a redneck bastard.

“Yeah, I’m doing socialite journalism now, sort of,” Levi said and sipped on some wine, sniffling and putting his elbows on the table after rolling up the sleeves of his white dress shirt, “this is still investigation journalism. I want to clean my uncle’s name.”

Again that talk. Erwin took the chance to pry into that because he felt like that was important. And after vaguely talking about the things Historia liked to do and going down the safe route and imagining how the real Historia was after seeing her cry in the car with her sister over their dead cat, Sapphire, he casually pried.

“Mikasa won’t talk much either…” he said in falsetto, making a face he hoped looked worried, “but she said the same.”

Levi looked at him and shrugged, sipping on wine. “How’s your dad?”

“Um, I don’t see him much…” Erwin said with a little smile, and Levi scoffed.

“Yeah, he’s always banging some woman. Alright, look,” Levi said and sipped some more wine and put the glass down, staring at him, “Rod Reiss framed my uncle and testified against him. Uri Reiss knows it, and he’s working with me to catch Rod Reiss red-handed,” he said and Erwin felt his heart drop to his stomach when he saw the way he was looking at him and the way he was talking about those men who were Historia’s family, “he’s the one behind the kidnappings and ransoms because he blew all his money. Uri is the only businessman in the family and he and my uncle are lovers. Kenny is a wreck but he can’t know that Uri knows he didn’t do anything and we can’t let him get to Rod, because he’ll kill him for real,” Levi said, leaning over the table, “Rod is working with Zeke Jäger to kidnap the Reiss sisters, I don’t think the Eren kid knows it, he’s pretty miserable. Their father is a piece of shit as well and has the ability of killing all the women he’s with without actually killing them,” he said in one swift go, to a shocked and scared Erwin, “and I know you’re not Historia Reiss and that whoever that is isn’t Frieda Reiss. If I had to guess, you’re with the FBI.”

Erwin sighed and covered his face. “Thanks for the information,” he said, not bothering to do falsetto anymore. Levi blinked at how deep his voice was, “you’re right. We’re with the FBI and both are in our 30s. Please, let’s get out of here.”

“Sounds good to me,” Levi said and gestured to the waiter to come over while staring at Erwin. He paid up and they left the restaurant.

Levi drove out to the seaside and parked the car there, the water illuminated by the city lights and the moon. Erwin sighed before pulling off the wig and wig cap and finally the latex mask, breathing deeply, wiping his sweaty face with his arm and rolling down the window, rubbing his hair to unstick it and looking at Levi who was stunned, looking at him.

“Fuck, you’re hot,” Levi said and Erwin smiled sighing a little, relieved, “the whole package, handsome face and amazing body. Is the ass yours?”

“Yes, the ass is mine,” Erwin said and chuckled, “I only put on the mask and the dress tonight… and a bra. I was told I have more tits than the real Historia.”

“Yeah, from what I remember, definitely. She’s just a kid and she’s tiny,” Levi said and chuckled, “how did anyone believe you were her? I mean the other… guy?”

“Guy.”

“Guy,” Levi repeated, “does kind of look like Frieda, but Uri told me right away that the FBI was on it because Frieda and Historia called him and told him they were going to Louisiana to bury their cat or something, and that the cops weren’t at fault.”

“Yeah…” Erwin said and sighed, “that was awful, their cat died when we were in the car on the way to the hotel and they wouldn’t hear of anything but getting on a train to Louisiana to the the place of their childhood summers,” Erwin said and smiled, “it was endearing and sad, but my partner and I were already in the thick because we got the wrong guys on our last case and we’d probably be blamed for the cat’s death.”

“That cat was 16-years-old,” Levi said, staring at him, “are you shitting me? What kind of idiot Chief does the FBI have over here?”

“Dot Pyxis,” Erwin said and Levi groaned, “he’s not bad, but he’s easily bought… Magath and Zackley get all the easy cases to get points because they come from a family of cops.”

“The valet and the receptionist,” Levi said and Erwin looked at him, “I’m pretty good at clocking people who are pretending to be something they’re not,” he said and smiled.

“Was it that hard to believe I was a girl?” Erwin asked a bit bummed and Levi shook his head.

“Nah, I believed you were, but then Uri told me you weren’t Historia and I put two and two together,” Levi said, “steroids don’t give a natural looking physique like that,” he said and snorted, pulling his hair back with his fingers, “anyway, we can go on a regular date as Levi Ackerman, 32-years-old, and…” he reached his hand for a handshake and looked at Erwin who groaned.

“Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. Erwin Smith, 34-years-old,” he shook the hand and Levi smiled and pulled his hand to his lips to kiss the back. Erwin chuckled with the random switch of social code, “oh, that’s very gentlemanly of you.”

Levi smiled and let go of his hand. “Are the eyes yours?”

Erwin laughed heartily and it made Levi chuckle. “Yes, the eyes are also mine. So are the eyebrows and everything you’re seeing.”

“So, you’re not into pegging,” Levi said and held back an amused smile.

Erwin chuckled. “God that was so awkward, what did your partner think?”

“He’s cool. Religious man, married with kids, but he’s totally cool with sexuality. God and Jesus preach about love and there’s nothing saying that consenting adults fucking,” Levi said and snorted, “he makes sex sound really unsexy.”

Erwin chuckled. “At least he didn’t find it weird that we were randomly talking about pegging.”

“Yeah, he was just going on about how great sexual liberation was,” Levi told him and grimaced, “he makes it sound like sex-ed class, man. So, you’re gay, yeah? I thought back after Uri talked to me and figured that’s what you wanted to say.”

“Yeah, I am… and I have an inbuilt pegging device, that I can use, but I’d rather have other men’s pegging devices up my ass,” he said, crude. Levi looked at him, meeting his eyes and seeing his smile.

Levi snorted. “That’s how you make it sound sexy,” Levi said, voice dropping, licking his lips, “this is a crazy situation, you’re a 34-year-old massive man pretending to be an 18-year-old tiny girl, and it turns out the real you is my absolute type. I really want to kiss you, Erwin.”

Erwin leaned over and waited, his eyes shining under the moonlight. “Go for it.”

“How can you sound so sexy and dorky at the same time, FBI boy?” he asked and gently kissed Erwin’s smile, holding his jaw, while Erwin grabbed his waist and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Erwin moaned into the kiss and Levi breathed pulling away, nibbling his lip, “fuck you’re hot and know how to kiss.”

“So are you and so do you,” Erwin said, breathy seeking his lips again and kissing him, “we shouldn’t go any further, though.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Levi said, “we have some criminals to catch. After all this is over, if we’re both alive, I’d be happy to use my inbuilt pegging device on you,” Levi said and sighed, starting the car as Erwin gasped and tried to calm down, chuckling.

“I’ll be making an extra effort to stay alive then. Historia Reiss isn’t a slut, but I am,” he said bluntly and Levi chuckled, backing up the car.

“You feel like that kind of guy,” Levi said, “sweet in the streets, slut in the sheets.”

Erwin laughed heartily, his cheeks flushed. “I think you have me all figured out, Levi.”

Levi chuckled and drove him back to the hotel while he put the mask and the wig back on.

Nile was stuck with the girls in the fancy suite he was sharing with Erwin. It was yet another experience and he almost wanted to cry because he was forced to listen. He braided Pieck’s hair into a French braid after accidentally giving Sasha cornrows and having the other two gasp and talk about the appropriative aspect of it. It did give her nice little waves when he undid them.

He was used to helping his wife do them when she didn’t feel like going to the hair salon. Nile had learnt how to do all sorts of braids to help her but hearing those girls, he knew that was far from being enough to let her know he loved her.

“Sometimes we just want the guy we like to notice when we do something different,” Pieck mumbled, sleepy but sipping on coffee to curb that, “like get a new haircut, or do our makeup carefully… or buy a nice dress… but they rarely do.”

Sasha and Mikasa nodded.

“It is what it is,” Mikasa said blankly, “guys ain’t shit. I wish I was bi or something so that I could stop liking guys altogether but that’s a stupid thing to wish because it doesn’t work like that and being queer is far from being easy.”

“Yelena always notices when I do something new,” Pieck said and smiled, “I don’t know why, but it makes me really happy…” she mumbled, “and Frieda totally sounding like a lezzy-gay made me think…” Nile sighed and kept carefully braiding her hair, “I’m not sure if I’m straight, girls.”

“Lezzy-gay,” Sasha repeated and chuckled, “Jennifer’s Body is a bomb movie,” she said.

“She and Needy should have ended up together,” Mikasa agreed.

“And their kiss was the one with the most chemistry in the whole movie,” Pieck said and sighed, “but with my luck… Yelena is just nice because she’s a photographer and notices things.”

Yelena was the photographer hired for pretty much all their events, Nile heard, and he’d seen her. There was no way in hell that woman wasn’t queer and into Pieck.

“Actually,” Nile said, not forgetting his terrible Frieda falsetto, “I think she’s not straight,” he said and the girls sitting in front of him and Pieck looked at him, “and I totally think she’s into you, Pieck.”

“How can you tell?”

“She doesn’t have the dumbass look guys have when they’re into girls,” Nile said and sighed, “but girls aren’t as stupid as guys when they’re interested in someone. Um, we know how to be decent.”

Pieck was silent and Nile thought she’d fallen asleep but then she spoke. “And what if she gets bored of me for being tired all the time?”

“She’s always super nice to you and doesn’t want you to push yourself for the pictures,” Mikasa said, “I think Frieda is right.”

“And eating pussy doesn’t require a ton of energy, slow ones are actually the best,” Nile said and regretted it so fast he wanted to die. The girls gasped.

“Are you a lesbian, Frieda?” Sasha whispered and Nile tried not to groan. Frieda Reiss, very sorry, but you’re a lesbian now.

“I’m not interested in any of you, we’re friends,” he said in falsetto, smiling and trying to keep his cool as he tied the tip of Pieck’s braid, “but yes… oops! Guess I’m lezzy-gay!”

Sasha and Mikasa smiled.

“We love you the same!” Sasha said and Mikasa nodded.

Pieck chuckled. “Maybe I am too… I wonder if Yelena really likes me… I don’t want to toy with her…” she said and sighed, leaning on Nile’s bony thigh.

“It’ll be fine if you tell her right away that you think you like her, but aren’t sure,” Nile said, “communication is key,” he said and sighed. That was a jab at himself as well. He was so caught up in his job and making money that he neglected that part of his marriage.

“You’re right, if I say that, it should be fine…” Pieck said and sighed, “can we go to bed, now? Where’s Historia?”

“Probably being bombarded with questions by Levi,” Mikasa said and she and Sasha helped Pieck to her feet and held her up and walked out, Nile opened the door for them, “let us know when she’s back, Frieda.”

“Okay,” Nile said and smiled before they walked out and he was left alone at least and could shower and chill out. He lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling a bit worried about Erwin. It was past-midnight and he was still not back. He texted him and in the meantime got the burner phone and texted Marie.

<Thinking about you always, babe. I’m sorry I suck and don’t pay attention when I should. I love you. Nile>

<Are you drunk?>

<Drunk in love with you>

She called the number and he picked it up. “Hi, baby,” he said quietly and heard Marie’s breath on the other end of the line, “I’m not drunk, I promise. I know I said I couldn’t talk but I… I needed to.”

Marie sniffled. “Nile… I’m really hurt.”

“I know and I’m sorry, I’ll make up to you when this undercover thing is over,” he said and sighed, “I want to have a family with you… though with the rough treatment my balls have been getting lately, maybe we’ll have to adopt,” he said and groaned.

Marie was silent and Nile panicked, thinking that she’d think the worst of that. “Who the hell has been hurting my man’s balls?”

Nile smiled. That was his Marie. “The costumes I have to wear… and Erwin being reckless and, don’t tell anyone, but he’s disguised as a 4’9’’ girl.”

Marie sputtered and gasped. “What!? He’s huge! Didn’t they have better people to do that job?”

“It wasn’t really well-planned, he recklessly decided that on the spot,” Nile complained, “and now we’re both… well, stuck dressed as girls.”

Marie chuckled. “Is that why you suddenly sound like you understand?”

Nile sighed. How could he lie? “Yeah, the girls we’re disguised as have friends… I was sort of babysitting them tonight,” he said and groaned hearing Marie chuckle, “and accidentally gave one of them cornrows… she’s white. I had to undo them. I don’t know how to do any other hairstyles and this girl I’m posing as apparently knows how to do hairs.”

Marie laughed and he heard the springs of their bed move when she shifted on it. “That’s not an issue, baby,” she paused, “you don’t know how happy I was when you learned how do all those things for me.”

“But that’s not enough, Marie, I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” Nile said and sniffled hearing the door to the suite open and hearing Erwin groan a little and chuck his heels away, “Erwin’s finally back. I was getting worried, he went undercover to get some information. We’ll talk on Monday, sweetheart.”

“Okay, sugar, thank you for calling me… it made me very happy,” Marie said and he could hear the beautiful smile in her voice, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Nile said, seeing Erwin walk into the room already pulling the dress to his waist and getting rid of the bra, “hey, bitch,” he greeted hearing Marie chuckle.

“My feet are killing me and this damn bra is too tight, my God, I’m joining the free the tiddie movement,” Erwin said and Nile snorted hearing Marie laugh a little and hang up. He just wanted her to hear his voice to let her know he wasn’t lying, “Who were you talking to?”

“Marie.”

“Oh, is she mad?” Erwin asked, worried and Nile shook his head. Erwin sighed and smiled a little, “At least that. How was the evening with the girls?”

“An experience,” Nile said and sighed, “Pieck might be a lesbian and Frieda is also now a lesbian, or lezzy-gay as they call it,” Erwin gasped, “don’t worry about it, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in any of them. I fucking gave Sasha cornrows because apparently Frieda is the hairdo girl but all I can do are braids… then I realised how women think and how fucking useless and straight I am… and then Pieck talked about Yelena and I was tired,” he vented as Erwin stripped, “so I said that this Yelena was into her, but lesbians aren’t dumb like straight guys… before I said that eating pussy doesn’t require a lot of energy.”

Erwin was so shocked he tripped on the dress and fell hard on the floor. “Ow!”

“You okay?” Nile asked sitting up to check and seeing him stand up again.

“Yeah, all good. I can’t believe you really said that,” Eriwn said and chuckled.

“I mean, it’s true.”

“I’m not a guy who’d know that,” Erwin said and sighed, sitting on the bed and pulling off his tights, “well, if it makes you feel better, I have a ton of vital information,” he said and Nile was all ears, “Levi knew we weren’t the girls,” he said and Nile was horrified, “no, no, it’s cool, it’s cool. Uri Reiss was the one who told him, they’re working together. And it’s actually great that the girls are in Louisiana. They’re safe there. It’s Rod Reiss, not Kenny Ackerman. Rod Reiss framed Kenny Ackerman, who is Uri Reiss’s lover,” Erwin said and Nile raised an eyebrow, “he’s the one behind the kidnappings, not Kenny. Zeke Jäger is helping him and Eren Jäger is just a sad kid who didn’t have the love of anyone so he does anything his brother asks him to do. Likely doesn’t know about the shit his brother is involved with.”

“Fuck,” Nile whispered and Erwin pursed his lips and sighed, “that’s a damn mess, man. What do we do now? Should we ask for backup? This is a lot more dangerous than we thought. We’re messing with seriously rich people here.”

“No, Rod Reiss is broke and Uri Reiss is convinced that his next target are his own daughters, because nobody would think that their own father would do that even though he’s an awful father,” Erwin said and sighed, “but yeah, it’s dangerous. We can’t get backup, though,” Nile opened his mouth, “nobody knows we’re doing this, Nile. We’ll be in trouble. And we can do this ourselves.”

“You’ve said that before and it almost never works,” Nile complained and lay on his back again, “fuck, Erwin. You’re crazy.”

“It doesn’t work because we don’t have enough information and the one time I tried nobody came,” he said and frowned, “we’re doing this ourselves,” he stated and got up from the bed, “I know I’m crazy. I just made out with a guy I met today. Gonna take a shower.”

Nile was silent, stressing over what the following day would be like when he took full notice of what Erwin had said.

“YOU WHAT!?” Nile shrieked and heard Erwin cackle as he turned on the water.

“ALSO TOLD HIM I WANT HIM TO RAIL ME, IF WE’RE SUCCESSFUL!” Erwin yelled back and Nile gasped.

“YOU DAMN SLUT!” Nile yelled back and chortled hearing his friend laugh. That was the least of their problems, honestly. And it was great that more people were in on the case. It was gonna be alright, they just had to put up with another day of pretending to be Frieda Reiss and Historia Reiss on steroids. It’d be alright.