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You really weren’t much of a morning person. Mornings being a relative term for whenever it was that you actually crawled out of bed. It was hard to maintain any sort of true sleeping schedule when you rarely saw the sun. One of the sad side effects of being forced into hiding by the crazed leader of a ninja clan.
This was something you had grown accustom to and at times even enjoyed. The reality of never actually having to go anywhere or have any sort of time constraints was almost liberating. In fact, for a time it was just that. You had never felt more free than when you realized that you never had to set an alarm or be on time for anything—you had all the time in the world for whatever you wanted.
However, the novelty of this inevitably wore off as the days dragged on into weeks and the weeks turned into months.
Three months of living underground was enough to drive anyone stir crazy. It wasn’t as though you were entirely cut off from the outside world, but at times it felt like you weren’t even on the same planet anymore. Sure the lair had television and internet—both things that kept you from losing your mind—but it wasn’t enough anymore.
You were no longer homesick or bothered by any of the peculiarities or adjustments of living with your rescuers. No, what bothered you had nothing to do with the location itself or the company and everything to do with being stuck below ground for fear of being snatched up for a session of lengthy torture courtesy of the Shredder.
Of course it would be much harder for him or his men to so much as touch you with the boys around, but they couldn’t seem to come to an agreement about the safety level of such a plan. The more reckless duo of Raphael and Michaelangelo both thought your idea held some merit. They agreed that it would be very difficult, if not nearly impossible, for you to be abducted with them around. However, the more cautious—read as irritatingly overbearing—pair of Leonardo and Donatello were firmly against this plan given that the word nearly preceded the word impossible. Apparently they had no interest in taking chances, even if it meant you going absolutely nuts from being cooped up.
Their ideas for dealing with your pent up anxiety and frustration equaled out to mediation and mentally tiring yourself out. Really, it wasn’t exactly a terrible idea given that most of the problems caused by your situation were more mental than physical. Sadly though, this did not make you lean towards them with any enthusiasm. You gave them the old college try just for the hell of it, but they did about as much good as you’d expected from the get-go—which is to say, none. Of course, there was a very good chance that them being ineffective was more or less because of that kind of attitude.
Even knowing that didn’t change your mindset though.
You wanted to go outside and nothing was about to change that desire. Not Mikey’s massive supply of games, Raph’s sparring, Leo’s meditation, or even Donnie’s witty and thought provoking challenges. Nothing the boys did was going to fix your problem, not unless what they did was take down the Shredder for good. That was hardly something that would happen quickly however—the man was like a damn cockroach.
So, rather than give into any reckless impulse that would lead you from the safety of the lair, you took to sleeping more often. It wasn’t really hard to spend more time in bed, though it was becoming hard to find a reason to get out of it each day. Sustenance was hardly a motivator, you’d lost interest in all your favorite shows, no game held enough appeal to bother—it was as if the world suddenly held no interest at all anymore. At least the world in which you lived anyway.
The reason for this was as clear as day and there was no doubt in your mind the boys had noticed. Even if it managed to slip by them in the guise of an illness, you knew for a fact Splinter was aware. He’d had you join him one too many times for tea lately, never mentioning your strangeness directly but sparing no small amount of advice.
Depression.
It was not an uncommon thing, but it was such a clingy and devastating monster. Even knowing what you had, or why you had it, did little to ease it’s grip. If anything it made it stronger because of the seeming inevitability of it all and the hopelessness this caused. It felt like there was just nothing you could do about it, so you really didn’t try.
Splinter seemed like he was trying to nudge you towards facing your problem, but you didn’t rightly know how to do that. How does one face something they can’t even begin to fight? The cure to your ailment was obvious, but out of reach. Because until Shredder was stopped you could never be free.
So you just kept up the usual routine and tried to hold your mask together when you were around the brothers. With Splinter you could let it slip, but you tried very hard not to let that happen around them.
You went to bed that night drained both mentally and physically thanks to Leo’s insistence on meditation and Raph’s chiding remark of you losing your edge from sleeping all the time. Neither the mind-clearing nor the sparring were done with more than halfheartedness though and it was blatantly obvious that both of the could tell you were off your game. Strangely enough neither chose to comment on it.
The fact that even one of them might know you were depressed and not just ill or out of sorts added shame to the lengthy list of downtrodden emotions you felt. So you’d gone to bed with the pitiful hope that you could at least escape those feelings in your dreams.
It felt like you’d only just drifted off when someone was suddenly waking you up. Someone much gentler than the usual culprits.
Even in the darkness of the room you knew it was Donnie, both from the tentative touch and the near whisper of his voice as he called your name. Mikey and Raph were always loud and insistent. Leo was better than them, but he was rather firm and unyielding when it came to getting you out of bed. Much like Raph he was not opposed to dragging you out, especially on the occasions when he’d been kicked in the face. You were a bit of a sleep fighter when it came to people waking you up the wrong way. Leo had referred to it once as being much like trying to wake a bear by poking it in the eye.
With Donnie though, he was smart enough to use something far less irritating. He didn’t poke the bear, he soothed it with a gentle voice and a soft touch. It was by far the best way you’d ever been woken up and you wondered why they hadn’t thought to send him before.
At least you wondered this until you realized that his voice was trembling. Or maybe it only started to when he noticed you were more awake than not.
“H-hey!” His near-whisper was more like a squeak and even half-asleep you got the distinct impression that he was flustered. There were several options as to why. Your flimsy pajamas, your bed-tousled hair, the fact that he was so close to you—alone in a dark room… If you were more awake you might have been nervous too. However, with sleep still lingering heavily in your thoughts all you could muster up the energy for was confusion.
Why was he waking you up? You couldn’t ever remember him being the one to do the deed before.
Maybe he’d just drawn the short straw. Or maybe the others had gotten tired of getting kicked in the face.
You mumbled out something nearly incoherent that sounded like a slurred ‘sup’, but he seemed to understand well enough. That didn’t mean the poor guy wasn’t tripping over his own words though.
“Well—I just, um—I wanted to—!” He let out a groan suddenly as he struggled with whatever was on his mind. “This was so much cooler in my head.”
You patted around for a moment in the dark before finding his hand and giving it a weak, but reassuring squeeze. It took a few seconds to gather the thoughts in your head together and put them in the right order, but after a moment you said: “Don’t worry about sounding cool.” You let out a positively massive yawn and wondered briefly just how much sleep you’d actually gotten. It certainly didn’t feel like much, though it rarely did anymore. Oversleeping left you just as tired as under-sleeping. “Easier to just say it straight.”
Donnie sighed and you realized for the first time that he’d been sitting on the edge of the bed. You realized this when he stood up and it became apparent that the bed had been dipping towards the side.
“Actually, it’s just easier to show you.” He sounded resigned but also still a little nervous.
This made you curious enough to get out of bed at least. It did not, however, make your fatigue go away. Nor did it really help that the only light in the room came from the doorway and it was only bright enough for outlines. That combined by your sleepy, sluggish motor functions made getting up positively perilous.
When you staggered climbing out of bed though, he caught you immediately. Whether it was entirely because of his swift reflexes or owing to some sort of special attention paid on his part, you weren’t sure. It was too dark to see where his eyes were and you were much too tired to contemplate either option.
Regardless of how much attention he was paying, it was obvious you weren’t going to be walking with any coherency until you were fully awake. Donnie seemed to be in something of a hurry though and this had him pushing the limits of his comfort zone. Even half out of it you could tell he was flustered as he hefted you up into his arms with the intent of simply carrying you to where ever he needed to go in such a rush. Though, quite frankly, you didn’t really care where he wanted to go. It was all too easy to relax into his hold and drift back to sleep, especially with the rocking motion his quick pace caused.
You faded in and out as he hurried along through one passage after another and it made things a little confusing. It felt like the two of you were speeding through time with the way you closed your eyes on one location and opened them to see another entirely. It was disorienting enough when the places he went were areas you recognized, but far worse when you couldn’t pick out anything familiar from the background.
And then your eyes opened upon the most shocking scene of all. You looked up at the lightening, though still relatively dark stretch of sky as if you were looking upon an entity that was surreal with its very existence.
Donnie cleared his throat to get your attention, looking very much abashed and flustered when he got it. “We’re nearly there.”
You wanted to ask where, but your attention was drawn back to the sky. He and Leo had been so adamant about keeping you perfectly safe, so what had changed?
“You were starting to scare us.” Donnie seemed to be answering your very thoughts as he spoke and, though having your attention on him seemed to make him nervous, he took it as a sign to continue. “Your depression—it made us worry.”
Your head dropped even though you were more than aware that most, if not all, of them had realized something was wrong. Hearing him say it only made the guilt more powerful.
“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t nearly good enough, but it was all you could really say at the time. What else could you be other than sorry and miserable? They had been going out of their way to help you and keep you safe and you were repaying them by making them worry.
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” He stated resolutely as he held you suddenly tighter and you only had a moment of curiosity at his unexpected boldness before he leapt up onto a nearby dumpster and then leapt again onto a fire escape. There was no ladder leading down from it you realized as he climbed up towards the roof. “We’re the ones who insisted you stay underground. We never took the time to think about what it would do to you… to someone who grew up with a sky above them.”
“So that’s what this is about?” You pressed lightly, feeling both touched and anxious at the fact Donnie seemed to be blaming himself and his brothers. They were only trying to do what they thought was best. “You were trying to protect me—it’s dangerous for me up here now.”
“It’s dangerous for you down below too.” He muttered and the look on his face, the consternation mixed with grief, could have ate you alive if he hadn’t lightened up upon making it to the roof. “Anyway, I um—we, well, decided you could use a break.”
Donnie set you down carefully on your feet, stepping back slowly to make sure you weren’t going to fall over on him. You glanced around at the empty rooftop and found nothing really special about it. It was the tallest building in the immediate area and, though it looked out on the harbor, it really seemed to have very little in the way of appeal. Yet Donnie continued to look nervous, rubbing the back of his head as you glanced around before finally settling your gaze back on him.
“The others are around.” He rambled off as he looked anywhere but directly at you. “They’re making sure the area is safe—that it stays safe—so we… we can—!” He let out a sound of frustration that had a smile tugging your lips even as it drove you half crazy with curiosity.
Something had him worked up and it seemed like it had to be something a little more worrying than bringing you out into the world again. The brisk sea breeze and the shock of being outside had you awake enough to ponder this. He seemed to have an easy enough time telling you that the others were nearby keeping an eye on things, but he got very nervous when the topic broached on the two of you. There was a sneaking suspicion lurking in your thoughts as to why, but you decided to hold off on pursuing it.
It didn’t seem like that great of a leap to make, considering his behavior, but you were loathe to take a risk based mainly on assumption. If this was some sort of romantic plan on his part, you intended to let it play out so you could be sure first. Plus it was actually quite amusing to see him so flustered—not to mention adorable.
“Thank you for this, Donnie.” Your voice seemed to startle him, either because of something he was thinking or because it had become rather quiet between you. Having you smile at him seemed to really make him antsy though as he pushed his glasses up and quickly looked away.
For a moment you thought he was too flustered to say anything, but then he spoke in a slow and deliberate tone that led you to believe he was choosing his words carefully. It was the way he spoke while holding a veritable death grip on his emotions.
“This isn’t all.” His voice was calm, but quite low.
You stepped forward towards him to hear him better, though your nearness briefly put a quiver in his tone.
“W-watch the h-harbor.”
This was a confusing statement, but you did as he asked and turned around to look at the water. It was only then that you had some idea of what time it was getting to be, as you watched the dark blue become pale and cold before it changed colors altogether.
It struck you in that moment just why it was he’d brought you to that particular spot and why he had been so nervous about it. Donnie had brought you there to watch the sunrise, something that was ultimately romantic in nature and so utterly sweet it nearly made you cry. For three long months you’d caught only glimpse of the sun through the grates. You’d almost forgotten how beautiful it was in person and here you were being allowed to see it rise. To watch the sky catch fire and see it reflected across the water.
“I know it’s not the same as being free,” He started and he sounded almost regretful. “I just thought maybe, if you weren’t always stuck down below—it might… help.”
His tone dropped so low you almost didn’t hear that last part even though he’d come to stand beside you.
You turned towards him and he looked away quickly, trying to play it off as though he hadn’t been watching. He turned and leaned back against the low stone wall that served as railing. His arms were crossed as he fidgeted under your gaze. It was just so easy to get under his skin.
“Donnie.” The call of his name made his eyes dart towards you very quickly, though he looked away just as fast. Honestly, you got the feeling that if his skin wasn’t naturally green it would have been red as a cherry right then.
“Y-yeah?” The way his breath hitched as he felt you draw nearer was emboldening. It didn’t seem like you’d really be assuming anything if you repaid him for his kindness—his feelings were all but painted across his face—and you so dearly wanted to kiss him right then.
You leaned up slowly, drawing his wary and nervous attention.
“You are just too sweet for words.” You said with a smile and it made him simultaneously embarrassed and highly pleased.
His sheepish grin was the last bit of strength you needed and you leaned up suddenly to act upon the urgent desire to show him how you felt. He froze at the touch of your lips, feeling him moving against his own for one blissful moment before he pulled away. Or, at least that was what you’d thought before he fell backwards over the railing.
“Donnie!” You lurched forward to grab him but only caught air.
Frantically you leaned over the side to make sure he was alright and found him sitting on the top of the fire escape rubbing the back of his head and looking like he might just explode with embarrassment. “I’m good!”
You couldn’t help giggling at his expense; you didn’t even try. He was just too cute!
You offered a hand down to him more out of thoughtfulness than anything else. It was highly unlikely that he actually needed help up, but you did it anyway. Despite his embarrassment, he took your hand as he climbed to his feet. He let go reluctantly when he moved to climb back over the railing and as he stood in front of you once more he looked as though he had no idea what to do with himself.
So you gave him some help.
You curled yourself into him and delighted in the warm feeling that came from having him hold you. He was shy with his affection, but every moment seemed to embolden him. By the time the sun was no longer touching the sea, his arms were wrapped about you in earnest. He rested his chin against your head as you watched the sunrise with your cheek pressed against his chest.
Standing there with him made it feel like all the sadness, the depression you had felt was little more than a fleeting nightmare. It’s substantial grip on your life had grown suddenly brittle and had snapped under the weight of the immense joy you felt right then.
Even if this trip only happened once, if it turned out to be too dangerous for a repeat performance, somehow that thought was actually bearable. It felt like something changed that day, that you changed.
Later you would come to realize that the difference came in knowing you didn’t face your pain alone, that you had someone who loved you enough to go the extra distance just to see you smile.