Chapter Text
It was 9:00pm, and Tony Stark-Rogers was most certainly in-bed and ready-for-sleep when his bedroom door was rudely pushed open. He turned to his husband with one of his signature deadpans before looking back at the door frame.
“Peter? What do you need, I was just about to head to bed?” Peter, normally his cheery, smiley self, now looked like a deer in headlights.
“I thought you were already asleep.” His eyes darted to the dresser, and the wallet on top of it.
Ah.
“What do you need?” Tony asked again, trying to coax a truthful response.
“...Money?” He supplied, looking unsure of himself.
“You already have a credit card. Try again.” Steve rolled his eyes before rolling himself over on his side. To sleep. Like Tony should be doing.
“I need… physical money. Now. Just $20.” His son pleaded. Tony just crossed his arms.
“And why do you need physical money at 9:00pm? Some kind of drug deal?” Tony questioned. Peter went white.
“N-no, of course not dad! I just need to buy condoms!” Steve fell off the bed.
“Uh, can you repeat that again kiddo?” Tony asked, or rather, demanded.
“I’m sorry! Shit, I’m sorry!” He decided to let this swearing slip just this once. There were more important issues at hand.
“Don’t be sorry. Really, it was only a matter of time.” Steve looked up at him from the floor, confused as to where this was going. “I was younger than you when I first was intimate. Who’s the girl though?”
“Uhh… guy. A guy.” Not expected. Not expected whatsoever. Tony took his shock and placed it in a little box for later. Instead, he snapped his fingers
“Of course. Now what’s the guy’s name?”
“I… I forget. We share chem together. That’s all I know.” Tony was less than impressed.
“You’re… planning on having your first time with some random dude? And are going outside at night to some CVS to purchase supplies for it? At least make up a name so I’m not worried he’s about to gut you.”
“Chris?” He supplied unhelpfully. Tony pressed his fingers against his temples.
“Ok just- forget I said that. Tell this Chris that he can wait until we’ve had a thorough discussion of what exactly sex means before we move on to mutual condom purchasing.”
“At least you had the sense to be safe.” Steve stuck a thumbs up into the air for Peter.
“Well- he’s already… ok, I might’ve snuck him in. Through the window.” They both stared at their son.
“Y’know what.” Tony got out of bed and padded over to the closet, grabbing an unopened box from the second shelf down. “I’m too tired for this. This magically appeared on your bedside table if anyone ever asks.” He pressed a kiss to his kid’s head before putting the box of condoms in his hand. Peter scurried out of the room faster than Steve probably could, putting his super-strength to good use.
“FRIDAY, put on some ambient rain sounds. I don’t want to hear anything.”