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It had been 2 weeks since they returned from Mexico. Peter was locked up in Eichen, Kate was on the run from hunters, and his pack was getting along just fine. The only problems they had to deal with were ones that involved school or sports.
Everyone had recovered just fine from the fight at La Iglesia and all had been forgiven.
So why did Scott keep having the same reoccurring nightmares?
The ones where he’s chained down to the bone table and imprisoned behind a mask. The ones where he attacks Kira and tears her head off. The ones where he kills his pack and he enjoys it?
They had been lessening in frequency but they still occurred, and when they did, they left Scott gasping for air and his body soaked with sweat.
He knew his friends had forgiven him, they told him he hadn’t been in his right mind. But then why did it feel like it was his actions? Why did he feel so guilty?
He didn’t share any of this with his pack. He didn’t want them to have to deal with his problems on top of his own. Besides, it was all over.
The idea of lasting effects didn’t really occur to him until he found that burying his head in his pillow was enough to remind him of the feeling of the mask. Of how suffocating and dark it was.
The idea of putting his lacrosse helmet on also made him freeze up. Thankfully, games had been postponed due to all the deaths that took place while the deadpool assassins were running around.
He dreaded the thought of having to put it back on for practice or for a game. Scott kept his fears to himself.
“Come on Scott move it or lose it before Coach makes us run like 5 miles. I know that isn’t much of a threat to you but it is definitely a threat to me!” Stiles complained as Scott slowly changed into his Lacrosse gear.
While he had hoped that the season would be canceled, luck was rarely on Scott’s side.
When he heard that practice was to resume, he knew that he needed to get a grip on his fear of his own helmet and guard. He had slowly been building up how much time he could stand to wear the thing. For now, he just hoped that taking it off after each drill would be enough.
“You know, you could go on without me.” Scott pointed out. “Liam is already out there.”
“Yeah, no. I still think he wants to eat me.” Stiles responded.
“Well maybe if you layed off the sarcasm he wouldn’t feel like that.” Scott grumbled.
“Hey what's got you in a bad mood? You love my sarcasm.” Stiles asked as he poked Scott in the arm.
“I’m fine.” Scott said.
The last few people were hurrying out the door to the field. Scott could hear the sound of lacrosse players and bystanders alike milling about outside.
“Well, then is there a reason you moving like a wereslug?” Stiles asked.
Scott snorted and slowly reached for his stick, pointedly avoiding his helmet. He spent extra time examining his stick, even though he knew everything was in place. Not a string loose or anything wrong with the pocket.
“Jesus finally lets go.” Stiles said.
Scott now reached for his helmet only to find it not in his locker anymore.
“Here ya go now let's vamos.”
Scott suddenly felt something slam down on his head. His line of sight was narrowed as Stiles clapped his helmet on his head.
And just like that, Scott couldn’t breathe.
All he could feel was the hard bone table under him. All he could smell was the dry sand in the pits of La Iglesia. All he could hear was his friends’ roars and Kate’s laughter.
All he could see was red.
Scott roared and ripped the helmet off of his head. He felt it crack before he threw it away from himself.
“Wow!” Stiles jumped out of the way as the helmet went flying. “Scott what the he-”
Scott hardly heard Stiles over the sound of blood pounding in his ears. He clapped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.
Stiles looked at where Scott’s helmet was skidding along the ground and back to Scott, who was now pressed against the lockers. His sentence was cut off when he saw the look on Scott’s face.
“Wow, hey are you alright?” He asked.
Scott’s eyes were glaring red but unfocused. He looked terrified.
Stiles quickly looked around the room to make sure they were the only ones there.
“Hey, its ok Scott, it’s just me.” Stiles said as he slowly approached Scott.
Stiles now realized how short and abrupt his breathing was becoming. He’d had enough panic attacks to know what was coming next.
“Hey, Scott? Scott.” Stiles knelt down in front of Scott, trying to catch his friend's attention.
His frantic hand movements seem to finally catch his friend’s attention.
“Hey, it's ok, you’re ok. You’re in the locker room at the High School, ok? It’s me, Stiles. Ok, you are safe.”
“S-stiles?” Scott asked.
“Yep, I’m right here.”
Stiles slowly reached out a hand towards Scott but dropped it when he flinched.
“Ok, um, Scott, I want you to breathe with me, ok? Just follow my breathing.” Stiles repeated that until Scott nodded.
Stiles started by sucking in a deep breath through his nose and a long breath out his mouth. Soon Scott was following along and his shaking slowed.
Stiles jerked his head around when the door to the locker room opened. Thankfully, he recognized the blonde.
“Hey Scott, are you ok?” Liam asked as he quickly approached.
Stiles motioned for him to stop.
“He’s coming out of a panic attack, take it slow.” Stiles told him quietly.
Liam’s eyes widened as he nodded. Stiles turned back to Scott and found blood dripping down the sides of his face. Stiles eyes flicked to where his fingers were dug into his hair around his ears. He slowly reached out and when Scott didn’t flinch or pull away, he carefully pulled Scott’s clawed fingers away from his head.
Stiles held on to Scott’s hands as Liam picked something up off the floor.
Scott’s breathing finally evened out and he blinked his eyes back to brown.
“Are you ok?” Stiles asked.
“Yeah, I-I’m sorry I-” He cut himself off as his eyes landed on the object in Liam’s hands.
Scott’s helmet had multiple large cracks across it and in one place the only thing holding it together was the inner foam.
“I uh, I found this on the ground.” Liam said after they all stared at it for a moment.
“No shit?” Stiles sighed as he leaned back on the middle bench.
Liam came to sit on the bench in front of Scott and slowly set the helmet down next to him.
Scott took a shaking breath and ran a trembling hand through his hair. He froze when he saw the blood on his fingers.
“Hey,” Stiles snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Don’t go back there. Stay present.”
Scott blinked and dropped his hands.
“I-I’m fine.”
“Well, no you're not but ok, if that makes you feel better.” Stiles said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“What happened?” Liam asked.
Neither Scott nor Stiles answered him.
“I heard Scott roar and came back. So what exactly is going on?” Liam asked again as he looked between them.
“I don’t really know what’s going on either.” Stiles said as both he and Liam turned to stare at Scott expectantly.
Scott kept his gaze down as he chewed his cheek. He looked like he had something he wanted to say, but refused to say it.
“Scott, I know this might not totally apply to something like this,” Liam said slowly. “But one thing they teach you in therapy, is that you don’t have to keep stuff to yourself. That sometimes it’s easier to handle if you let other people help you.”
Scott was quiet for another moment before he sighed.
“It's… it's the helmet.”
Liam and Stiles simultaneously looked at the demolished plastic.
“I-it reminds me of…” Scott trailed off.
“Of?” Stiles prompted.
“It reminds me of the, of the berserker mask. The one Kate put on me.”
Stiles and Liam fell silent as they looked at each other.
“But Scott, you broke that mask.” Liam pointed out.
“I know, but it doesn’t erase how I felt when I had it on.” Scott replied as he began to scrub the dried blood of his face and ears.
“What do you mean?” Stiles asked.
“When she forced that thing on me, I tried to fight it. I felt her get into my mind and I tried to stay in control but she was too powerful. It wasn’t even like she was driving and I was locked in the back of my mind, it really felt like I was doing all of those things I did. It felt like I enjoyed it. I-I don’t know if I would have been able to break out of it without help.” Scott kept his eyes down as he spoke.
Liam didn’t need a lesson on chemosignals to know that Scott reeked of shame and guilt.
“But you did, Scott. You broke out of it.” Stiles assured him.
“Yeah but not before hurting you.” Scott pointed out.
Scott finally raised his eyes to meet Stiles.
“You had a black eye for a week and a half after that. I nearly killed Kira, the only reason I didn’t is because Kate wanted her alive. Liam, I attacked you after I told you I’d protect you.” Scott’s voice cracked on the last word and his head dropped again.
“Everytime I try to put something like the helmet on, I just get taken back there.”
Stiles and Liam shared another look. Liam carefully slid off the bench and sat down next to Scott as Stiles scooted closer.
“Hey, you know that you’d never hurt us intentionally. Kate trapped you and used you as a weapon, but you were able to break free. There’s no need to worry about the ‘what ifs’, ok?”
“And Scott, you did protect me. From Garett, from the hunters, from Peter,” Liam said. “I forgave you for what happened in La Iglesia. Because I might not know much yet about the supernatural, but I know that what happened wasn’t your fault.”
Scott ever so slowly nodded.
“Thank you for telling us, Scott. About the helmet. I’m sorry that I triggered that panic attack.” Stiles said.
“It’s o-”
“For the love of god don’t say it's ok.” Stiles cut him off.
Scott huffed out a breath.
“You lucky I have pity for you right now or I’d kick you ass until you break that stupid ‘im fine’ habit.” Stiles added.
Scott rolled his eyes before slinging an arm around Stiles’ shoulders.
“Thank you.” Scott said before slinging his other arm around Liam. “Both of you.”
After a moment they all stood up. Scott could hear Finstock shouting at the rest of the team.
“Oh we are so screwed aren’t we.” Stiles asked as both werewolves tilted their heads towards the field.
“Yep.” Liam said remorsefully.
Scott paused as he looked down at the helmet.
“Are you gonna be ok?” Liam asked.
“Yeah, I just need to get used to it. But for today I think I’ll be fine without a helmet.” Scott replied as he made his way towards the door.
“And what makes you say that?” Stiles asked as he scrambled to catch up.
“I think I heard ‘get on the line’.”
“God damnit.”