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Thor was rushed to the healing room and Loki trailed behind in stunned silence. He watched from the shadow of the archway as Eir and the other healers used the Soul Forge to begin stitching his brother together.
Then Mother strode into the room in a frenzied bustle of silks, demanding to know what happened. Thor didn’t say anything, but the attendants were quick to mention Loki.
Loki backed out of the corner into the hallway, hiding his hands behind his back, as Frigga came striding toward him.
“Loki, what have you done?” She demanded.
Loki gazed up, eyes so wide they surpassed the usual mischievous expression of feigned innocence, looking more terrified.
Frigga stepped forward and grabbed his hands from behind his back, bringing them forward so she could see them -covered in blood. She grasped his forearms angrily. So angrily it hurt. Mother was never mad at him like she was now.
“Loki, how could you do this wicked thing? Stabbing your own brother!”
Loki glanced away, ashamed.
Frigga shook him. “Don’t you know you might’ve killed him?”
Loki’s eyes flew back to his mother’s face in shock. It hadn’t occurred to him, not until he’d seen the blood.
“Why would you do such a thing?”
Loki’s face crumpled as he tried to stem the sudden deluge of tears. “I- I didn’t want to kill him! I was just so- so mad.”
Frigga was still holding onto Loki’s arms, but had reigned in her anger. She frowned, “tell me what happened.”
Loki looked down, tears trailing down his little face. “Thor- Thor has barely spoken to me since- since he figured out how to use lightning. He’s always showing off to his friends. And I just - I wanted him to look at me. So I turned into a snake because they’re his favorite.” He let out a little sob. “But when - when he picked me up...”
Frigga waited, softening a bit as Loki sobbed in front of her.
“When he picked me up I- I was so jealous that he loves snakes more than me,” he confessed with a shudder. “So I turned back, and - and I stabbed him.” He made a move to wipe his still-flowing tears with the same hands that were covered in Thor’s blood. Frigga held his arms down.
“Oh, Loki,” she said softly, disappointment clear in her voice. She started to wipe his hands.
Loki gazed up, face wet with tears. “Thor won’t die will he? He won’t die?”
“No, he won’t die.” Frigga said, not meeting Loki’s gaze. “You’re fortunate that guard discovered what you’d done soon enough for the healers to help Thor.”
Loki stood stunned for a moment, tears subsiding. Thor would be all right. Then a cold realization washed over him. “Are you going to tell Father?”
Frigga finished wiping Loki’s hands. She paused, thinking, and then let go. “He may find out whether I tell him or not.”
Loki stared forward, a different look of dread on his face.
Frigga rose from her kneeling position in front of Loki, and walked back into the healing room to examine Thor. Leaving Loki in the hallway, shivering.
____
Though the wound had been healed to perfection, Frigga insisted Thor rest in his room for the next day or so. Thor begrudgingly obeyed - hating to stay still, and also hating the silence of an empty room.
Loki was also confined to his room, but less so because of Frigga’s insistence and more so because of shame.
Sitting on the floor in between the bed and the wall, Loki replayed what had happened. Each time, reaching the point where Thor’s blood ran over his hand, bright red, and each time despairing that he could ever remedy the situation. If Thor had already begun to tire of him before, surely he hated him now.
He’d never attacked Thor before. Their quarrels were always preluded by some sort of argument so there was warning, and they both knew they wouldn’t hurt each other too terribly.
This is the first time I used a real weapon against him. There’s no returning from that. It’s too late. I could’ve killed Thor - he’ll never forgive me.
Loki’s eyes filled with tears. This wasn’t what he wanted.
“Loki?”
Loki started, his heart jumping out of his chest as he glanced over the top of his bed toward the voice and then quickly sank further down toward the floor trying not to be seen.
Why was Thor there? Has he come for revenge?
Thor’s little feet padded across the floor, stopping in front of the bed. Then Loki listened as the steps continued towards the alcove where the washing basin was kept. Then over to the window where Loki liked to hide behind the curtain and read.
Thor let out a groan of frustration.
Loki curled in on himself trying to will himself invisible. Ironically enough, it was one of the many spells he hadn’t yet mastered.
“He better not be wandering around having fun while I’m stuck inside.” Thor muttered. Then Loki heard Thor’s knees hit the floor as he crouched to look under the bed.
Why hadn’t he shapeshifted into something easier to hide? Too late now.
“Ah!” Thor exclaimed as he spotted Loki to the side of the bed. He rose and walked around until he was standing a couple steps in front of Loki.
The expression on Loki’s face was full of dread, and pathetically tearful.
Thor frowned, “What are you doing crying on the floor in the dark?”
There was a long pause.
“What?” Loki squeaked.
Thor crossed his arms huffily, looking rather cross, but markedly less vengeful than Loki had imagined. “I’m in my room bored witless because of you and you’re just sitting here crying.”
Loki blinked in tearful astonishment at this.
“The least you could do is visit your ailing brother.”
“I...” Loki gulped, trying to clear the lump that had risen in his throat. “I didn’t think... you’d want to see me.”
“Why? Because you tried to kill me?”
“N-“
“I am not one so easily killed.” Thor proclaimed, puffing out his chest with his arms still crossed. “I’m strong enough to not fall to so puny a weapon as a knife.”
Loki frowned. He had fallen to so puny a weapon as a knife. The only reason he could stand there bragging was because of the healers. The image of a red puddle forming under his feet flashed through Loki’s mind and he looked down at the floor despondently. He wasn’t sure if he wouldn’t rather Thor pummel him instead of standing there talking as casually as if Loki had done no more than push him in a lake.
Thor stopped smiling and stepped closer to Loki before squatting down. “I heard some of what you said to mother.”
Loki glanced up in alarm, “No, you didn’t.”
“Yes I did - you’re louder when you’re upset.”
Loki blushed and wiped at his tear-streaked face, wondering which part Thor might’ve heard. He decided to change the subject. “Are you fully healed?”
“To perfection.” Thor grinned. He was missing a tooth where one of his baby teeth had fallen out.
“How long until you’re free to leave your chambers?”
Thor grinned wider, “I’ve already left my chambers.” Then, in response to Loki’s unimpressed expression, he added, “tomorrow.” And then more glumly, “it better be tomorrow.”
Loki blinked and wiped his nose, then curled his hands into fists and crossed his arms, as if he were trying to restrain his hands from causing any more damage.
Thor looked down at the floor and shifted into a cross-legged position. “I didn’t know you’d gotten so good at shapeshifting.”
Loki didn’t respond, except to curl in on himself.
Thor gazed at his brother calculatingly. Loki didn’t return his gaze.
“Loki, will you do something for me?”
Loki hesitantly looked up at Thor, who was leaning forward with an expectant, but guarded expression on his face. His light hair was tufted around his face in a way that always made him look sweet and guileless even when he was trying to talk Loki into doing things that would get them in trouble.
“Well?” Thor said.
“You haven’t asked anything yet.”
“If I say it first you’ll say no.”
“Then no.”
“Loki...”
Loki frowned at Thor stubbornly.
“I’ll forgive you for stabbing me if you say yes.”
Loki gazed back dismally, tears starting up again. He didn’t say yes, but Thor took it that way.
“Could you... turn into a snake again?”
Loki’s gut churned, “No.”
“Aww, come on, Loki.”
“No.”
“Why not?” Thor whined.
“If you really heard what I said to Mother then you’d know why not.” Loki shot back, blinking at the tears in his eyes.
“So no favors, then, for your poor brother whom you stabbed?” He said it so casually, but he could tell how much it weighed on Loki. It wasn’t as though Loki had never tried to guilt-trip him though. But Loki’s acquiesced “Fine” sounded a little too angry and hurt for Thor not to feel sorry about doing so.
Loki put his legs down, curling them around to the side. His form seemed to shudder, and then melt, so quickly, into a little green spiral on the floor. A bright green snake sat curled where Loki had been before.
It seemed to glare at Thor, and he wondered bemusedly if Loki would stab him again.
Thor leaned forward, eyes sparkling. “You’re so shiny!” He exclaimed in a muted tone. It seemed proper to talk quieter around small creatures.
Loki’s tail twitched in apparent agitation.
“I’m picking you up,” Thor said, reaching forward. “Don’t stab me again.”
The snake that was Loki coiled in on itself as Thor carefully lifted it off the floor.
“Why did you stab me with a knife? You could’ve just bitten me.”
Loki just stared at him with his little snake eyes.
“Is it because you’re venomous?”
He didn’t expect a response so he jumped when Loki replied, “I don’t know.” For some reason Loki sounded really sad about that, but Thor couldn’t guess why.
Thor held out a finger and ever so carefully touched the snake’s nose, ignoring that this was Loki, but simultaneously completely aware of that fact. “I do love snakes.”
“I know,” Loki replied with a hiss. It seemed like a bitter hiss rather than just a side effect of being a snake.
“You told Mother you thought I loved snakes more than you.”
Loki tensed in apparent embarrassment.
“I told you, I heard.” He gingerly patted Loki’s little snake head and then ran his finger around the coiled shape. Loki squirmed and wrapped himself into somewhat of a knotted shape. Belatedly, Thor realized that the snake was indeed Loki, who might not want to be pet like some creature. Thor apologized.
Thor brought Loki closer. “I don’t love snakes more than you Loki. They remind me of you.”
“...Potentially venomous and untrustworthy?”
“No!” Thor exclaimed in upset surprise. “Why would you think that?”
Loki’s tail curled around Thor’s little finger hesitantly, “because maybe I am.”
“You’re not! What I meant was that they’re quiet, and slender and clever and shiny, like how you look when you smooth your hair down, and they’re cute and little and... green.” He finished, embarrassed.
“Snakes aren’t always green.”
Thor smiled down at him. “My favorite ones are.”
Loki gulped and his little tongue flicked out in the air almost as if he were trying to see if sincerity had a scent. He ducked his head, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Thor.”
“No?”
“No,” Loki replied miserably. “I- You’re my brother and my best friend. I just-“ There wasn’t any possible, less humiliating, way to admit he’d turned into a snake hoping for attention and then gotten jealous of himself receiving attention when Thor didn’t realize it was him and not just another snake. Loki was suddenly grateful to be a snake, which couldn’t cry, or blush, “I just wanted…” His voice trailed off in embarrassment.
Thor had heard what Loki had admitted to their mother while he was being stitched back together by Eir and the others, even if Loki wouldn’t say it now to him. He considered this as he gazed down at his brother, twisted and curled around himself, knotted in Thor’s hands. His scales gleamed when Thor tilted him towards the light.
“I didn’t mean to ignore you,“ Thor said quietly. He rubbed his thumb over Loki’s head absentmindedly. “I was just so happy about learning how to control lightning- did you see Father’s face? He’s never looked at me like that, like he was impressed!”
Loki gazed up at his brother’s beaming face. He wished Thor hadn’t mentioned Father. What will happen when he finds out I nearly killed the golden child? He shuddered.
“Does Father know you’re so skilled at shapeshifting now?” Thor asked excitedly.
Loki scowled, as best a snake could scowl. “I don’t think so. At least, not yet. Enough attendants saw what happened though, and Heimdall saw it, surely. It’s only a matter of time.”
“You... don’t want Father to know?” Thor seemed remarkably blind to the seriousness of the matter considering he’d been the one left bleeding out on the tiled floor.
“He’ll hardly be impressed by my talents now when he discovers what I used them for,” Loki hissed.
“Ah,” Thor said, bringing Loki close to his chest as he pondered this. After a brief silence he said cheerfully, “well... we’ll leave that part out.”
“I don’t see how that’s possible, with so many witnesses.” The image of Thor crumpled in a heap on the floor, attendants rushing to help, was forefront in Loki’s mind.
“We’ll ask Mother to have them keep silent.”
“I’m not going to ask her for that.”
“Why not?”
Loki hesitated, “Because it would be worse knowing I ought to be punished, and waiting and dreading the truth ever coming out. I would rather just be done with it.”
“You think he’ll punish you?” Thor frowned.
“Of course!” Loki scoffed.
“Even if I forgive you for it?”
Loki didn’t respond except to look away.
Thor stared down at Loki. His little snake body was thinner than Thor’s fingers. Loki was obviously much sturdier in Aesir form, and yet not nearly sturdy enough. “I don’t want Father to know, Loki. We’ll ask everyone not to tell him.”
“Why?” Loki scowled.
“Because-“ Thor cast around for a reason, “because... I don’t want Father to know you bested me in combat,” he finished with a cough.
Loki scoffed again, “Combat.”
“It sounds better than being blindsided by your tricks.” Thor shot back.
He held Loki up to his face, eyes wide, “Do this for me, Loki, please. Everyone tells stories about you all the time, and you live with that, can’t you live with a good lie where everyone is saying you didn’t do something for once?”
“The truth will come out eventually, and when it does, it’ll be even worse.”
“No it won’t, I’ll throttle anyone who dares tell Father.” Thor grinned. “As I said, losing to your tricks would make me look bad.”
Loki considered this for a long moment, uncoiling slightly from his knotted position. He glanced up at Thor who was staring unblinkingly at him, a stubborn expression on his face. How was Thor not angry with him? “Well, all right, if you feel so strongly about it.” He said quietly.
Thor grinned.
“But I can’t ask Mother to order everyone’s silence on the matter.” It seemed cowardly to ask for such a favor himself, and anyway, Mother was probably still angry with him.
Thor nodded, “I’ll do it.” he absently twirled Loki’s tail with his finger. “What kind of snake is this?”
Loki stared. He couldn’t do anything but stare - snakes can’t blink. “If I knew what kind of snake I was, I’d know whether I was venomous.”
“Ah, I suppose so.” He stroked Loki’s head again, admiringly. Holding him up to the light and watching his scales flash emerald with a narrow streak of golden yellow.
Loki wound around Thor’s wrist, uncomfortable being held so high, and trying not to think about what had started this whole mess - the fact that he never got this much attention in Aesir form. Then, contrarily, that being admired and examined like this would be humiliating in Aesir form.
“Can you turn into other things, or only snakes?” Thor asked.
“Only small things, like a black bird.”
Thor gasped, startling Loki, “Can you fly?”
“No,” Loki admitted. “I haven’t had enough practice. It feels strange having hollow bones.”
“But it doesn’t feel strange having no limbs?”
Loki wagged his head from side to side in an approximation of a shrug.
“I’ve also managed a cat once - also black. Aside from green and black I can’t seem to change my colors.” He coiled around Thor’s fingers.
“Nor should you,” Thor hummed. “What of a goat? Ooh, or a horse!” He, much to Loki’s relief, lowered his hand so it was in front of him again, closer to the floor.
“I don’t think I could manage a horse yet. They’re so big. I could probably do a goat though.” He added wryly, “a baby one.”
“It would be hilarious if you turned into a baby goat at the dinner table,” Thor grinned.
“If I did that, Father would likely be so furious he’d kill me and eat me.” Loki said half-jokingly.
Thor laughed. Shaking Loki a bit as the laughter vibrated through his body.
Loki waited till Thor’s laughter subsided, watching him as he reached up with his free hand to rub his eyes.
“How do you not hate me for what I did?” Loki asked quietly. “You threaten to throttle anyone who tells Father what I did, but not me? Don’t you want to hit me?”
Thor’s eyes widened as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him. “I couldn’t hit you now, you’re so little and fragile. I would crush you!” He narrowed his eyes at Loki in amusement.
Without any warning Loki shifted back to Aesir form, growing out of Thor’s hands and dropping onto the floor. He sat in front of him, clutching Thor’s hands to his chest, and frowning challengingly at him.
“Loki, if I wanted to hit you I’d have done so when I first came in!” Thor yanked his hands away. “I didn’t even want to hit you when it first happened.”
“Why not?” Loki demanded.
“Because I was busy admiring a snake and thinking that I hadn’t seen my brother in a while and was wondering where you were! Then you were suddenly there and I didn’t have time to be mad because I passed out because you stabbed me!” Thor huffed angrily.
Loki sat back, stunned. Tears started forming again and he blinked rapidly. Blasted Aesir form and tear ducts.
“I don’t feel like hitting you,” Thor fumed, “so you’re just going to have to sit there and feel guilty about it if that’s what you really want to do!” He leaned back, crossed his arms, and glared.
They both sat in silence for what seemed a very long time, but was really only a minute or two. The afternoon light had moved so that it filtered through the curtains, softer and less golden than it had been.
“You were thinking about me?” Loki whispered.
“Of course I was!” Thor scowled, “I often think of you. Am I to make a show of it and run and tell you every time I do? That would be exhausting.”
This, perhaps, ought to have cheered Loki, but it only made him feel worse. He bent forward and rested his head on his knees, hiding his face. It had only been in the last decade or so, but he’d noticed the almost imperceptible shift. He could never be sure of their Father’s love, it was slipping away from him, little by little, no matter what he did. There was a wariness in their father’s eye that Loki couldn’t account for. There was an absence. A growing chasm he couldn’t even begin to fathom how to bridge. Loki had felt the distance widen when he’d seen the gleam in Father’s eye as Thor displayed his new skill for a crowd of Asgardians. To suddenly have Thor pull away too had been too much. Such a short time with no attention from his brother had felt like an eternity, because he hadn’t known if it would end or if the gap would widen gradually like it did with Father. Then he had to go and panic and make matters worse. Now Mother was angry with him as well. This was the real reason Loki didn’t want to ask anything of their mother. Perhaps she would see whatever it was that had made Father withdraw. Perhaps she’d just seen it. What if she drifts away as well?
But Thor hadn’t been growing distant, as Loki had imagined. He’d been busy doing what Loki wished he could do. Thor had been trying to make Father proud. And he’d been thinking of him. Perhaps even missing him. And Loki had stabbed him. He let out a sound that was somewhere between a groan and a hiss, furious with himself.
“All right, enough” Thor stated loudly.
Loki remained as he was, tears wetting his knees.
Thor leaned forward onto his knees and reached to shake Loki’s arm, “I said that’s enough.”
Loki covered his ears, but remained otherwise unmoving, save the shuddering of his shoulders as he cried.
“I take it back, Loki, stop it.” Thor tried unsuccessfully to pull Loki’s hands away from his ears. “Stop feeling guilty about it, you fool!” He shook Loki’s shoulders in exasperation.
When Loki didn’t move, Thor sat back in frustration. After a minute he crawled over to Loki’s side and wrapped his arms around him, somewhat awkwardly, as Loki was still hunched over. They sat like that for several minutes.
“Loki...” Thor murmured, “I already said I forgive you. That was the deal when I asked you to turn into a snake for me, remember?”
Finally Loki responded, his voice muddled from crying, “It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.”
“I think it is.”
“I nearly kill you and instead of getting punished you ask me to shapeshift for you? No, it’s not.”
Thor considered this. Truthfully, he’d forgiven Loki the second he’d gained consciousness and heard him crying to Mother, but he knew his brother well enough to know he wouldn’t have accepted that. He’d hoped asking Loki to shapeshift for him would be enough. “Well... you’re going to have to find some other way to ease your conscience because hitting you might make you feel better, but it’ll just make me feel worse.”
Loki turned his head to gaze tearily at his brother, “I can’t think of anything that would make it better.” He murmured.
Thor, arms still wrapped around Loki’s shoulders, stared at him with his bright blue eyes, and then glanced around the room, thinking.
Then something occurred to him. “You could try it again.”
“Try... what?” Loki blinked in confusion.
“Try to kill me on purpose!”
“What?” Loki scoffed disdainfully, “How wou-“
“No, I mean like in training - for battle training!” Thor smiled. He knew Loki found training disagreeable. Maybe just disagreeable enough to suffice as recompense.
Loki frowned. He hated battle training. “I don’t see how making continued attempts on your life could possibly ease my conscience since that’s what I already feel terrible about.”
Thor squeezed his arms tighter around his brother, “because you would be helping me this time.”
Loki stared forward, looking very tired and emotionally spent.
Thor rocked them both side to side humorously, “Come on, Loki.” Loki’s head wobbled, he was too drained to keep it straight as Thor shook them. “You can be my training partner. Everyone else goes easy on me - I know they do, I’m not an idiot. With your skills, it’d at least make it a challenge for me. Rather than feeling guilty, you should put your talents to good use.”
Loki pressed his lips together in a flat line. He really didn’t want to spend, who knows how many years actively trying to hurt Thor, what he’d done had been an accident borne out of hurt and jealousy. He hadn’t planned it. It also appeared that Thor was conveniently forgetting what Loki had said about only being able to manage small, baby animals at present. He didn’t know how challenging Thor would find it, sparring with a tiny black kitten.
“If nothing else,” Thor added, “I may get a few good hits in, if that would make you feel better.”
Loki glanced sidelong at Thor, “I thought you said you didn’t want to hit me.”
Thor huffed, “It’s different if it’s in battle and we’re both fighting. Only a coward would hit someone who’s not fighting back.”
Which is essentially what you did, Loki. Loki added to himself – though he knew Thor hadn’t meant to imply it, Loki could make the inference. He sighed quietly, considering. His brother’s arms were warm around his shoulders, and he dropped his head to rest his chin on Thor’s arm. Loki had never reveled in fighting the way Thor seemed to, in fact, he usually made every attempt to avoid it. But Thor was right when he said that those he trained with went too easy on him, he was sorely lacking in an adequate sparring partner. Would he feel better about what he’d done if he atoned by giving his brother that? It seemed a bit counterintuitive. But then… He couldn’t possibly forget about me if we were sparring every day. This last thought made up his mind for him.
“Fine,” Loki said.
This “fine” didn’t sound angry or hurt at all, like the earlier one had, so Thor grinned in relief. “Yessss,” the air whistled through the space where Thor was missing his tooth. He leaned his head forward, resting his forehead against Loki’s temple.
Just then they both heard their mother calling for Thor outside, several paces down the hall.
“Oh!” Thor exclaimed. “I need to ask Mother before I forget!” He let go of Loki and clambered to his feet. Stopping halfway to the door, Thor looked back at Loki who was peaking over the top of the bed from where he still sat on the floor. “Maybe, when we’re sparring, you can show off your shapeshifting if Father comes to watch. He’ll be so impressed with you, too, Loki - I know he will.” He said confidently, the gap showing in his smile. He turned and strode out into the hall to find Mother.
Loki leaned back against the wall, clasping his hands together, the way Mother did when she was anxious. He would try not to get his hopes up.