Chapter Text
"One day, you will have to write a song about me," Yennefer says offhandedly, "Geralt's got a hundred different songs about him! What will it take for me to get a ballad of my own?"
Jaskier chuckled as he absentmindedly strummed his lute. It had been two weeks since they left Kaer Morhen, running from yet another deadly person who wanted Ciri for something, and in that time, the group had developed a bit of banter. It came easier than expected, honestly, but peacefully boring travel can make anyone just a bit chatty.
"I actually already wrote a song about you," He said, " But I will warn you that it's not the kindest of portrayals."
"Portrayals of me are rarely kind," Yennefer said with a bit of pride in her voice, " Even so, I would like to know what kind of insults are being sung about me by every Jaskier-wannabe bard."
"I actually never gave the music to another bard. Never played it much in taverns either," Jaskier said as he adjusted his lute for his impromptu performance.
This caught Geralt's attention. Jaskier was never one to keep his music to himself. Sure there were some exceptions; not even Geralt had been granted the privilege of hearing all of Jaskiers songs. He never pushed to know Jaskiers reasoning for hiding these songs from him and tried to ignore the small hum of private tunes and secret lyrics that constantly came from the bard when they traveled together.
"I thought bards played all their songs for people," Ciri said from on top of Roach. She had taken off her shoes at camp the night before, revealing that her feet were bloody from the constant travel. She wanted to tough it out, but Geralt had forced her to ride on Roach for the next few days.
"No darling Ciri, some songs are just too personal to let just anyone sing," Jaskier said before glancing at Geralt, a wave of nervousness flashing through his eyes.
"Well, at least the bards are the one group of people who aren't slandering my name," Yennefer said before going silent. She waited patiently as Jaskier tuned his lute and prepared himself for his performance.
Soon lute strings filled the quiet snowy forest that surrounded them. Sunlight streamed through the trees in such a way that it gave Jaskier a natural spotlight as if mother nature herself wanted to highlight his performance.
Then when Jaskier took a shaky breath to start his song, the whole world seemed to stop.
"The fairer sex, they often call it
But her love's as unfair as a crook
It steals all my reason
Commits every treason
Of logic, with naught but a look,"
Geralt could have rolled his eyes at this. Why was Jaskier singing about Yennefer's love? He honestly expected a jovial yet very crude bar ditty about her, not whatever this was.
"A storm raging on the horizon
Of longing and heartache and lust
She's always bad news
It's always lose, lose
So tell me love, tell me love
How is that just?"
Geralt raised his eyebrows at the addition of a new character. So this song wasn't about Yennefer being Jaskiers lost lover; it was about him warning someone of Yennefer. Geralt understood the need for a song like this; Yen was someone you needed a warning for.
"But the story is this
She'll destroy with her sweet kiss
Her sweet kiss
But the story is this
She'll destroy with her sweet kiss,"
Geralt spared a glance to Yennefer, wanting to see how she would react to her kisses being called lethal, but he was surprised to find her looking back at him. She seemed to be studying his reactions, looking him up and down as if it would give some clue to a puzzle. Yet, to Geralt's annoyance, he didn't know what she was trying to figure out.
"Her current is pulling you closer
And charging the hot, humid night
The red sky at dawn is giving a warning, you fool
Better stay out of sight"
Then suddenly, Jaskiers voice tightened, and his singing turned almost to a heartbreaking beg. He closed his eyes as he seemingly lost himself in the song, letting the emotions carry him away.
"I'm weak my love, and I am wanting
If this is the path I must trudge
I welcome my sentence
Give to you my penance
Garrotter, jury, and judge"
Geralt's eyes went wide as it all suddenly hit him. Jaskier wasn’t warning anyone in this song… Jaskier was begging Geralt to stay with him. He glanced back at Yennefer, who just nodded her head, silently confirming his suspicions. He knows that the song continued for a few more moments, but Geralt couldn't hear it because he was too lost in his own thoughts.
So many things were clicking into place for him. Things he didn't quite understand back then, but he fully understands now. Jaskier was probably the first person to truly want him, truly see him as something that could be loved, and he threw it all away.
Finally, he was broken from his thoughts when Ciri reached down from Roach to touch his shoulder, "Geralt, are you okay?"
Geralt took a second to collect himself and retake in his surroundings. He noticed how Yennefer and Jaskier were already meandering side-by-side up the road, talking about how Jaskier should write Yen another song but this time more flattering. But Jaskier kept looking back at him, checking to see how he was reacting.
"I'm fine," Geralt said as he began to walk forward, leading Roach and Ciri behind him. If Ciri felt like Geralt was lying, she didn't say anything, and it was a relatively quiet day after that. The only thing that filled the rest of their walk was idle chatter and Jaskier strumming a few simple chords on his lute.
Soon enough, night had fallen, bringing the calm silence that came with it. Yennefer and Ciri had gone to bed early, so it was just Geralt a Jaskier sitting around the crackling warm fire. Jaskier seemed content to scribble down lyrics in his journal while he and Geralt sat in comfortable silence.
Well, he assumed it was comfortable for Jaskier because Geralt was glaring at the ground, debating whether or not he should break the silence and ask Jaskier the questions that had been on his mind all day. If he kept silent then he could pretend it never happened, that Jaskier never had feelings for him, and they could still be friends. Though if he brought it up and they talked about it... actually, he didn't know what would happen if he did that.
"I can hear you thinking from here," Jaskier said, which broke up Geralt's internal conversation, "Also, stop giving the dirt a death stare. It didn't do anything to you."
Jaskier looked up towards Geralt and gave him a soft grin as he closed his notebook, "We can talk about it, you know," Then there was a pause as Jaskier bit his cheek and thought for a moment about his next choice of words, "In fact, I think I would prefer if we did talk about it."
Geralt knew he could avoid this conversation if he truly wanted to; he could pretend he didn't know what Jaskier was talking about.
But he didn't want to do that.
"Am I an idiot for not noticing until now?" Geralt asked with a slight laugh in his words. He knew what he didn't want this conversation to be, and that was serious and foreboding, like if one of them said the wrong words, then this delicate game they were playing would fall apart. No, they should be able to speak their minds in a conversation like this.
Jaskier responded to Geralt's question with laughter that he failed to hold back, " Oh Geralt, you are a slight bit of an idiot, yes. I mean, did you think I was being completely platonic when I gave you massages after long contracts? Or when I very adamantly told you to save coin by renting a room with only one bed? No, those actions were very selfish in nature."
Geralt wanted to tell him how those actions weren't completely selfish and how he enjoyed those small moments, even if he never admitted it, but what came out instead was another question, "When did you first start to feel this way?"
"Probably when I was around twenty-five," He said as if that didn't mean he spent fifteen years of his life beside Geralt silently loving him. Then suddenly, his voice turned a bit sad, "It's pathetic, really."
"No, it's not." Geralt said so softly that Jaskier almost missed it. The bard looked up at him, his face a mixture of questioning and hope.
"Did you..." He paused, seemingly afraid to ask the question, or maybe he was afraid of the answer, "Did you ever feel the same way?"
Geralt took a moment to assess himself after Jaskier asked his question. Luckily, Jaskier didn't push but instead let Geralt take his time as he thought about his answer. After a minute, or two, when Geralt did decide to speak, Jaskier nodded and paid dedicated attention.
"I think I did, but I never thought..." Geralt huffed in frustration at himself as he already began stumbling over his words, "I never experienced that feeling before, even with Yen. So, if I ever yearned to sleep beside you, I told myself it was because I had gotten too used to your company on cold nights. I told myself that the jealousy I felt when you kissed the latest smitten tavern goer was just annoyance. But looking back..."
Geralt's voice trailed off at the end. Honestly, Jaskier was surprised he managed to get so many words out of him. He couldn't help but smile a little since that means he wasn't crazy when he thought maybe, just maybe, Geralt felt the same way for him.
"Do you still feel that same way?" Geralt finally asked. It was the question that had been hanging over their heads this whole time, and Geralt figured if he wanted an answer, it would happen now.
But, now it was Jaskier’s turn to think over his words, though they came significantly quicker to him than Geralt, "No," He started, "My sentiments for you aren't the same as they were two years ago. I still... I still have feelings, they never truly went away, but they are different now."
Jaskier took a deep breath before he continued.
"I was willing to do anything for you; I followed you for twenty years for fuck’s sake, and every single song I wrote was about you," He scoffed a little at himself and his infatuation, "You could have asked me to do anything. If you told me to jump, I would have asked how high. If you told me to bleed, I would have handed you my knife. Goddamn it, If you told me that, for me to keep traveling with you, I would have to stop being a bard, well... I would probably have thrown my lute in the fire."
Another moment of pause.
"But that's not love, that's subordination, and I was putting you on this pedestal because I saw you as this incredible hero who I was just lucky to be around. Love isn't just about valuing someone else; it's about valuing yourself... and I truly do value myself now."
They sat in silence for a few moments as they processed what they both admitted, both men stealing glances in the other’s direction as if looking for a sign.
"Do you remember what the dragon said to you?" Jaskier finally asked, breaking the silence, "He told you your destiny wasn't with Yennefer, and I remember hearing him say that and thinking, if only for a moment, that maybe your destiny lied with me instead." He then shook his head at the thought.
"Maybe it does." Geralt said, almost offhandedly, and Jaskier looked up towards him, eyes a bit wide with shock. Then he looked back towards the ground and began to shake his head.
"No... no, you're not allowed to do that."
"Do what?'
"You're not allowed to lead me on and make me believe that you actually want me," Jaskier had a look of heartbreak in his eyes while he spoke, "I am still happy to be your friend Geralt. Just because you had feelings for me doesn't mean you have to act on them now."
"What if I want to..." Geralt said, "Act on them, I mean."
There was a short and tight laugh before Jaskier said, "My affections don't come as easy now; you'll have to work for them."
Geralt looked down for a moment, before getting up and walking over to Jaskier, holding out a hand to help him up. Jaskier took his hand, even though he was a bit confused, and let himself be lifted out of his seat. Now he and Geralt were eye to eye and only a few inches from each other, still holding each other's hand.
"I guess I will just have to prove myself worthy," Geralt said as he ran his thumb over Jaskier's knuckles. It wasn't some grand display of emotion, but Jaskier still smiled at the slight touch that promised to do better. They stayed their for a few seconds enjoying each others closeness, till finally Jaskier pulled away.
"Goodnight, Geralt."
So they went, both knowing they couldn’t discover this destiny in a night.
No, they wouldn’t start discovering this destiny till a week later.