Work Text:
“You know, I think you’re an amazing person, Kazuha.”
He turned his head to the young man, an eyebrow raised. “An amazing person?” He echoed, a quiet demand for an explanation laced in his tone.
Gorou’s smile widened. “Yeah. You are pretty amazing, even if you don’t see it.” He chuckled at the ronin’s startled expression as he continued. “I don’t think I’ve met—or ever will meet—someone who dared to cross blades with the Raiden Shogun like you did.”
He wouldn’t admit how his heart was aching, only bringing a hand to his shoulder, massaging it a little, to curb his inner turmoil. It was so stupid , so useless and pointless for how much his chest hurt at those words. And yet, it was impossible for him to ignore that agony. Not here, at least, when he could feel the canine general’s adoring eyes on him.
In his childhood, when he was better known as the sole heir of the Kaedehara clan, to have any pair of eyes set on him, watching his every move, had been such a tiresome ordeal. Even on the day he was born, the pressure of carrying on the family’s name was placed on his shoulders, something that he was destined—no, forced —to carry till the day he died. His younger self couldn’t have known how the experience would scar him, how it would cause him to develop an automatic apprehension bubbling within him if anyone stared at him.
But here, in this moment, with such a dear friend that he kept close to his heart on his travels out of Inazuma, Kazuha could barely sense any apprehension stirring about.
In fact, if anything, he never felt anything of the sort from the very day they met. Perhaps it was the calmness in those ocean-hued eyes, and how expressive they were in any of Gorou’s many moods. His steely determination when they were in a battle, his warm kindness that never failed to make those around him smile, his sweet shyness that rarely appeared unless he was tackled with an unfamiliar social situation…
It was always a whirlwind of changes when he was around the canine general, one that Kazuha had come to enjoy wholeheartedly, and yet his heart betrayed him when it came to how Gorou would think of the ronin himself.
“Not just amazing, too.” Gorou continued, his voice a sudden intrusion to the momentary silence between them. “You’re an incredible fighter. I could never imagine how much training you had to do to be so skilled at battle.”
Was he, really? Yes, Kazuha was trained in the way of the samurai, his blade-wielding skills being drilled into him since he was old enough to hold a wooden bokken. And yes, he never once slacked on his training even after his clan fell, but…
“And you’re so calm. You never seem to lose your cool, even when the battle is turned against your favor! Meanwhile, I get hot headed as soon as a fight starts…” Gorou was sheepishly smiling at that, a smile, and a compliment, that the ronin tried his hardest to etch in his memory, yet something gnawed at him for doing something so foolish.
He shouldn’t be listening to words like this. Not when they didn’t… Not when he didn’t deserve it-
“And Kazuha.” Since when did his voice sound so calming and beautiful? “I don’t think I’ve said it enough but… You’re really strong, too. It’s not something people will say normally, but at least for me, I can tell that you-”
No. I’m not strong. I’m not…
“How do you do it?”
When Gorou took a glance at the ronin, he had to do a double take, especially with how small Kazuha looked right now. Even though they were both sitting by the steps of abandoned Mounn Shrine, no more than a few centimeters apart, the white-haired man appeared so far away, as if he was shrinking into the ground. His legs huddled together, his arms wrapped around his thighs, his chin buried into the cavity between his chest and his knees, eyes down on the floor, drowning deep in his disbelief.
Because how could Kazuha be ‘amazing’ if he only knew how to hold a sword in the face of a fight, whereas Gorou was the one who trained his soldiers by himself, in the art of the blade, bow and spear, all day and night to sustain his army?
How could Kazuha be ‘incredible’ at fighting if he had always picked his battles carefully, avoiding most of them to avoid bloodshed, whereas Gorou had been fighting to protect his home from dangers so often, even when he was an ordinary soldier so many years ago?
How could Kazuha be ‘calm’ when he was as spontaneous as the wind, with unbridled emotions within him that battled to break free, like how he ran away from his responsibilities as a clan head, whereas Gorou remained rooted to the ground, unmoving and undeterred by the hardships of his life?
And how could Kazuha be ‘strong’ if he was crushed by the death of just one person who was so close to him, whereas Gorou had chosen to be close to dozens, maybe even all of his soldiers, and that he had to shoulder their deaths day by day, with no warning of who he would be jovially drinking with tonight, and who would suddenly leave him tomorrow?
The weight of being so beautiful in Gorou’s eyes, when he himself didn’t feel that way, was clawing at his throat, threatening to silence him. To bury the thought away, to suck it up and ‘not be a burden’. Surely, someone like him could not afford to vent his troubles to others. He wasn’t worthy of such a kind act.
“You’re doing it again.”
The sternness of his tone, and the hardened look in those teal eyes, were not unfamiliar to the human. In fact, this very scene felt all too nostalgic, reminiscent of the first night he arrived at the resistance, after being labeled a wanted man by the Shogunate. How odd for history to repeat its course on them.
Kazuha didn’t even notice the tear that dribbled down his cheek until his friend’s finger caught it for him, a sudden warmth on his skin, though he welcomed it regardless. And as he raised a hand, wrapping it around the samurai’s shoulder, gently tilting him to the side, allowing him to lean on the general, only then did the vexed young man decide to let out a heavy sigh.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.” You didn’t. I’m the one who isn’t accepting your words. “But I want you to know that I meant what I said.” Please take them back, They’re not for me. “And even if you don’t see yourself that way now, even if I have to keep telling you that you’re strong enough for the next ten years, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” Why?
“I really think you’re special, Kazuha. And I would never regret meeting you, and knowing you, my dear friend.”
Because Gorou would be the only one who could see him this way, it was enough reassurance for Kazuha to properly break down into tears.
Perhaps, it was time for him to entrust his heart to someone else’s hands once more.