Work Text:
Every morning the maple leaves.
Every morning another chapter where the hero shifts
from one foot to the other. Every morning the same big
and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out
You will be alone always and then you will die.
… You want a better story. Who wouldn’t?
"Let's take Lavaca back to the station," Tommy said from the back of the bus. "Lamar is going to be packed at this hour."
TK nodded mutely and turned at the next light. It took them several minutes just to go two blocks. TK wished he could use the siren when they got stuck in traffic, but Cap always disapproved of that.
"You okay, dude?" Nancy asked quietly.
TK drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, irritated but trying not to give her a reason to press. "Yep."
Nancy nodded and took the hint, although he could feel her sad, worried eyes on him as he drove them back to the station. TK wanted to snap at her that he was an adult and that he didn't need her making cow eyes at him all afternoon. They’d had a tough call and lost a patient, but it happened all the time.
After he’d parked the bus, TK jumped out to start working on the after-call paperwork.
"We can take five," Tommy told them.
"I’m good, Cap," TK told her, turning on the tablet they used for submitting documentation.
"It hasn’t been a good day," she said, looking between the two of them. "If anyone needs—"
"I’m good," TK interrupted too loudly. He felt himself flush, embarrassed at the disrespect. "I mean, I’m ready to get this done, Cap."
She nodded. "Okay then."
TK swallowed and turned away. He took a second to check his phone. Carlos had texted him earlier asking if leftovers were okay for dinner, and TK responded with a thumbs up emoji.
Ever since TK confessed his near-relapse the day after his mom died, Carlos had been hypervigilant about TK's moods, even though he was clearly trying not to be obvious about it. He texted more, started dropping by the station more often just to say hi, and asked gentle questions when he thought TK was open to them. He rarely made plans with other people anymore if he knew TK would be home.
TK knew Carlos had been reading about how to live with an addict. He never said anything to TK, but if TK ever asked what he was reading on his tablet, Carlos got a little cagey. TK wasn’t upset that he was reading about it, although the realization came with a sense of both shame and relief: shame that Carlos had to read a book about how to deal with him and relief that someone else could explain it so TK didn’t have to.
TK couldn’t even keep up with his Spanish lessons on Duolingo, and Carlos was spending his lunch breaks learning how to keep his fuck-up boyfriend from relapsing.
TK started filling out after-call documentation on the tablet as Nancy restocked the bus. He'd taken most of his notes at the scene but had to record them in multiple places, particularly if the case was likely to get taken to court. This template was more detailed than most others since the victim was a minor.
TK began transcribing his notes, from the time and location of arrival, to the position of the body at time of death. When he got to the portion of the form detailing the family members present, his finger paused over the tablet.
"I can do that if you want to restock," said Nancy.
TK looked up, startled. He hadn't realized she was standing nearby. "No, it's fine," he murmured, looking back at the tablet.
"I don't mind if you–"
"I said it's fine, Nancy," he said, glaring at her. "I can do it."
She looked hurt by his tone, which made him even angrier. He didn't want to have to deal with her mothering him for the rest of the shift.
"Sorry, I was just trying to help," she said quietly, turning away to continue her work.
The word help was starting to feel like everyone saw him as a child. Fragile TK, who needed to be handled with kid gloves or else he might fuck up again. He finished up the paperwork quickly but thoroughly, just to prove to whoever looked over it later that he was still capable of doing his job properly.
Nancy and Tommy talked about Evie’s upcoming Taekwondo tournament, and several guys were arguing over a game of foosball in the break room. Every word, every noise, was all but intolerable, and there was a familiar itchiness under his skin, like he was going to vibrate right out of it if he didn't occupy himself. TK put his headphones in, volume turned up high, and started cleaning the back of the bus.
He didn’t know how long he’d been working when looked up to see Carlos approaching him. TK frowned and removed his headphones. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out with your mom this afternoon."
Carlos nodded, but there was a tension in his posture that set off warning bells. "I was. She’s on her way home."
TK's pulse picked up. "Why?" he asked even though he already knew.
Carlos glanced over at Nancy, who was taking inventory of bandages. "Just wanted to stop by. Heard you had a rough call."
A wave of anger swept through TK's entire body like a hurricane. He couldn't look over at Nancy. "Yeah, we did. Nothing we haven't seen before."
Carlos looked at him. "TK."
"What?" he snapped.
Carlos stepped closer so he could speak without being overheard. "What do you need?"
"Are you serious? I don’t need anything. I’m a paramedic. We get bad calls all the time."
Carlos’s expression was so tender that TK had to look away. "Because I know it hits different after your mom…"
"After my mom what? Cracked her head open on a fucking curb?" he said, just to see the flicker of Carlos’s shocked expression. TK felt a rush of satisfaction even as he felt sick talking about his mom that way.
"TK…" Carlos stepped a tiny bit closer but didn’t touch him. "I know you don’t want to talk about this. I know you’re upset, and I know I’m never going to fully understand it. But I’m asking anyway. How can I help? Do you want to go to a meeting?"
A sharp, mirthless chuckle escaped from his mouth, and it sounded terrifying even to his own ears. "That's why you came here? So you can take me to a meeting?"
"Yes." Carlos's expression never wavered. "If that's what you need."
TK started to argue that it wasn't, but couldn't. "I've been going to meetings on my own for years. I don't need anyone babysitting me," he spit out. He sounded petulant and mean even to his own ears and was shocked that Carlos hadn't already walked out. Part of him wanted him to.
"I'm not here as your babysitter, TK," he said quietly. "I'm here as your partner."
That wasn't a word they used to describe themselves, and it took all of the wind out of his sails to hear it.
"You can’t come in," TK told him, even though Carlos knew that.
"I know."
"I have 40 minutes left on my shift. I'm not leaving early."
"I know. I'll wait in the kitchen."
TK gave a curt nod.
Carlos hesitated for a moment. "I love you," he said very quietly before he turned and walked into the kitchen.
It took everything in TK not to ask him why.
—
They didn't talk on the way to the church. Carlos found a parking spot about a block away and put enough money into the meter for two hours. He let TK lead the way. TK was jittery and anxious, the anger rising and falling in choppy waves, and he was unsure of what would come pouring out of him at any given moment. An outburst? An apology? Or maybe something far more embarrassing.
"I'll be over there," Carlos told him, motioning at the sandwich shop across the street.
TK nodded stiffly and went inside.
Inside, a few people milled around. There was a carafe of coffee and a plastic container of cookies on the table against the wall. The walls were blank except for a poster of Jesus with a Bible verse written in cursive. To his relief, no one tried to talk to him.
TK took a seat on the back row and waited.
—
Neither of them spoke on the ride home.
When they got to the loft, TK immediately went in to take a shower, and Carlos started pulling leftovers out of the fridge.
TK was putting on a pair of shorts and a hoodie in their bedroom when Carlos came in and leaned against the doorway. "I warmed up the chicken from last night."
"Not really hungry. Just want to go to bed."
Carlos nodded, his face a mask. "Okay."
Neither of them moved. Most of TK’s anger and anxiety had melted, and now he was just tired, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep while Carlos was awake in the other room.
Eventually he pushed past Carlos and walked into the kitchen.
He got a bottle of mineral water for himself and poured a glass of water for Carlos, as the apology he couldn’t get out of his mouth. They sat down at the dining room table together. Neither of them said anything, and TK got the feeling that Carlos was waiting for him to take the lead in the conversation.
"Are you mad at me?" TK asked finally.
Carlos looked up. "No, of course not. Why?"
Because he had to cut short an afternoon with his mom just to make sure his drug addict boyfriend didn’t overdose in a dark alley somewhere. Because in the face of Carlos’s unwavering strength and support, TK’s instinct was to throw it back in his face.
All of those words were stuck at the back of his throat. He just shrugged.
"Babe, I know this is hard for you," said Carlos. "I just want you to know you can talk to me."
"I wasn’t going to use or anything," was what came out of TK’s mouth.
"I didn’t know exactly what you were feeling," said Carlos. "I just knew you would need some support after what happened."
Carlos was looking at him with so much understanding that TK could barely stand it. He should have been grateful that Carlos was being so patient with him, but the furious anxiety was back, and TK was frustrated by his inability to do anything but fight about it.
"Aren't you tired of this?" he demanded.
"Tired of what?" Carlos asked warily.
"Of…this!" TK exclaimed. Tears were pricking the back of his eyes, but he knew Carlos would misunderstand them if he let them out. "Of worrying over me. Of constantly wondering if I’m going to go get high or storm out and leave you. Aren’t you—" TK shook his head and looked at the table. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear Carlos’s answer or not.
He could see Carlos drag a hand over his face in his peripheral vision, and when he spoke he sounded tired. "I’ll always worry about you, but it’s because you matter to me. More than anything."
You’ll get sick of it, TK thought. Everyone does.
"I don’t think you understand how much better every single part of my life is because you’re in it."
TK swallowed but didn’t look at him.
"I used to think I was okay when I was single," Carlos said. "And I was! But I had no idea how lonely I really was until I met you. I’ve always wanted to share a life with someone, and now I come home and you're here. I wake up from a bad dream and you're there next to me, holding me. I come home from a long shift and you're sweet and smiling and I know everything will be okay. I get overwhelmed and in my own head, and you're there to hold my hand and remind me to breathe."
"That's easy," TK protested.
"It's easy because you love me, and it's easy because that's who you are. You care about people. You take care of me without even realizing you're doing it."
TK shook his head. He didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t make him sound like an asshole for arguing.
"You’re the person I feel safe being myself with. You’re the one who sees me when I’m…" Carlos took a breath. "When I can’t calm down. I feel safe around you because you created that space for me. Do you understand how important that is?" Carlos reached over to take TK’s hands in his. "We all need different things, babe. Just because you need something different doesn’t mean I don’t need you back."
TK looked at their joined hands, aware of every inhale and exhale. His instinct was to run, to break everything apart, but what did he truly want? Buried deep beneath the fight-or-flight instinct, what he really wanted was to stay. He was so tired of instincts that hurt him, hurt both of them. He squeezed Carlos’s hand.
"I’m sorry."
"You don’t have to be sorry."
TK looked at him. Finally he nodded.
"Want some chicken?" Carlos asked him.
"Okay."
Carlos kissed him on the forehead and went into the kitchen to get them both plates of food. TK drank his mineral water as he watched him.
After they'd both started eating, Carlos said, "Want to talk about the call?"
TK sighed and poked his chicken with his fork. Carlos ate silently while he gathered his thoughts.
"You can probably guess most of it."
"Maybe. But it could help to talk about it."
TK swallowed a piece of chicken. "He was 17. Overdosed. He died on the scene."
Carlos put his hand over TK’s, tentatively at first like he wasn’t sure if TK wanted to be touched. When TK didn’t pull away, he stroked his thumb over the top of his hand.
"I mean, I see drug overdoses all the time at work." TK continued pushing the chicken around his plate. "I'm used to it. I wouldn't be able to function if I wasn't."
Carlos looked over at him. "But if he reminded you of yourself, it makes sense that this one would affect you more."
TK shook his head. "It wasn't…him? His mom, she was wearing a sweater that looked exactly like one my mom had when I was younger. It was pale blue with this pattern on it…" He motioned at his own torso. "I couldn't stop looking at her. She didn't even look like my mom, but…"
Carlos nodded and continued stroking TK's hand with his thumb.
"She—" TK breathed in through his nostrils. "She had to watch her kid die."
Neither of them were eating anymore.
"It's just…some of that feels like a lifetime ago, like I was an entirely different person. I have a different life now. But then I saw that lady and I thought about what I almost did the day of mom’s funeral and…" He shook his head. "I'm still the guy who stole money from his parents to buy pills. The guy who lied to them, hurt them. My mom had to pull a needle out of my arm and drag me out of a drug den. My dad had to perform CPR on me or I would have died. What kind of person makes their parents go through that?"
"You're also the guy who saves lives almost every day. You’re the guy who went with your dad to all his chemo appointments and was waiting for him when he woke up from surgery." Carlos rubbed TK’s forearm. "You’re the guy who loves his baby brother so much that he flies up on weekends on the crappiest airline between shifts just to read him books and take him to temple."
"Not while Mom was alive." TK was shocked at how hard and fast the tears came. "We never went together, the three of us."
Carlos cupped the side of TK’s head. "Your life is in Austin, babe. Your job is in Austin. She knew that."
TK nodded but was crying too hard to speak. He missed Jonah all the time, but mostly he was devastated that Jonah was going to grow up without their mom. Their strong, beautiful mom who loved him so much more than he deserved. TK had squandered so much of their time together, but Jonah didn't even have a choice.
Carlos stroked the side of TK’s face with his thumb. "She was really proud of you, TK."
TK tangled their fingers together and held on tight. He looked up at Carlos, whose eyes were wet. "I don’t want you to go through this every time."
"No, TK, I—"
"No, I mean I don’t want you to always be afraid I’m going to leave or push you away."
Carlos swallowed. "It’s okay."
"It’s not." TK looked down at their clasped hands. "I’m…I’m going to do better." It felt like something he had no right to promise given how addiction worked, but he would do whatever he had to do. He would make it right.
"TK, nothing is ever going to be perfect between us," Carlos said, and TK looked up at him. "As hard as that is for me to say, because I wish it could be, but I know there’s so much in life that we can’t control. And that really scares me, but I’m trying to get better at it."
TK could see the effort it took for him to say that out loud and was so proud of him. He smoothed his thumb over the top of Carlos’s hand.
"And I know I can’t control how you’re going to feel when something triggers you or you’re having a rough day." Carlos looked down. "I want to fix it and make it better, and that’s not always something I can do. I’m trying to work on accepting that."
TK loved him so much. He squeezed his hand, maybe a little too hard, but Carlos squeezed back. "We’ll work on it together," TK promised him, and Carlos nodded.
"I wasn't sure if I did the right thing by coming to the firehouse today," Carlos said. "I was thinking about it while I was waiting for you. Maybe me being there made it worse. Maybe I should have just given you space and trusted that you knew what you needed."
"I didn't even know what I needed," TK confessed.
"You would have figured it out." Carlos put a hand on his knee. "You're strong. And I know that. I worry, but it's not that I don't–"
"I know."
Carlos nodded, eyes cast down. TK rubbed his arm, and Carlos squeezed his knee in response.
"Need to text Nancy," TK said quietly.
"Okay." Carlos reached up to touch the side of TK’s face. "I love you." He said it like it was a real thing, not something that fell out of his mouth out of habit.
TK felt so much for him in that moment that he couldn’t say the words out loud. He wrapped his arms around Carlos and buried his face in his neck. Carlos held him so tightly that the pen in his shirt pocket dug into TK’s chest.
"I’m sorry," TK breathed. "I’m so sorry."
Carlos pressed kisses to his ear, whispering things TK could barely hear.
Please don’t leave me, TK thought. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Carlos finally loosened his grip, pulling back just enough to look at him. He kissed TK's temple and smoothed his hair back. "Text Nancy," he said. "I'm going to take a shower."
TK nodded. Carlos kissed him one more time before he released him and went into their bedroom. TK sat down on the sofa and pulled up his text messages.
Really wish you were here, he thought as his thumb hovered over the keypad. He could almost see his mom rolling her eyes at him.
He knew what she would say. She would say that she was here, that she always would be, but that he didn't need her to be. He was strong enough to do this without her. He had so many people who loved him and wanted him to be well.
In the bathroom, the shower started. TK closed the text message window and pulled up his contacts.
"Nancy?" he said when she answered. "Are you free to talk?"