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Jean walked out of his final class of the year, the sun high in the sky. The end of his first year at USC, and fourth in college overall, came faster than anticipated. Squinting up at the sky, he took a deep inhale, feeling the heat on his skin. Even after a year in California, Jean still hadn’t gotten used to the sun’s constant presence, especially as they entered the summer months in Los Angeles.
Practice was finished for the year, as the team members finished classes for summer and went their separate ways for the break. Laila and Alvarez were flying out to Dallas tomorrow, and Jeremy was heading home to Sacramento on the weekend. Having nowhere else to go for the summer, Jean began the walk back to the dorms, his home for the next couple of months. As he strolled across the quad, a voice began to call his name. Jean turned and found himself smirking slightly, as his teammate, best friend, and crush, though he would never say as much out loud, ran toward him.
“Hey, Jean!” Jeremy beamed, his smile as bright as the blazing sun overhead. Jean was forced to look away, else he be blinded. He began to walk again, Jeremy bounding alongside, forced to take footsteps larger than normal to keep up with Jean’s pace.
“I was thinking,” Jeremy began.
“Dangerous for you.” Jean deadpanned.
“Haha, very funny. Anyway, as you know I’m heading home on Saturday, and I know you were planning on staying behind for summer vacation. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”
“To Sacramento?” Jean asked.
“Yes.”
“Where your family is?”
“Yes, what part of what I just said do you not understand.” Jeremy inquired. His offer left Jean reeling. Why was Jeremy asking, if not out of pity for the Frenchman? Jean didn’t need his pity, he was doing better than this time last year. Kind of.
“If you’re asking me because you think I can’t stay here on my own, then no, I will not go with you.” The thing was, Jean couldn’t stay on his own. Even a year after his rescue, most of the Raven’s conditioning stuck with him. Jean tried to surround himself with his few friends whenever possible. He walked to practice with Jeremy and back to their shared dorm room, he never went to breakfast or dinner alone, always roping Jeremy or one of the girls into coming with him. The truth was, he was still terrified of the quiet that came with isolation, the silence hanging over him like weights tied around his neck, dragging him down. And so, he hoped Jeremy would give the answer he desperately wanted.
“Of course not. I want you there, and my family wants to meet you.”
“They do?” Jean asked, still unfamiliar with the concept of people actually giving a shit about him.
“Yeah, I guess I talk about you a lot. Anyways, are you coming or not? I’m leaving at seven on Saturday to be there for lunchtime.”
Jean hesitated, before nodding in agreement. “Okay. Yes, I’ll come.”
—
Jean and Jeremy packed their belongings into Jeremy’s truck, before pulling away from the dorms just after seven as promised. Jeremy insisted he drove, against Jean’s best efforts. Despite waking up at five each morning to get ready for early morning training, Jean fell asleep in the passenger seat, thanks to his procrastination of packing his bags, which he left until after midnight. What was supposed to be a quick nap turned into a three-hour sleep, from which Jean only awoke due to the sensation of the car being switched off.
He slowly blinked, before rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Where are we?” he asked, as he adjusted his glasses so he could see Jeremy properly.
Jeremy laughed quietly at Jean’s voice, at his accent which was more prominent in his half-asleep daze. “Gas station, gotta fill up. You want anything from inside?” he asked.
“No, thank you.” Jean replied, and the blonde nodded before exiting the vehicle. Jean gave himself a minute to wake up, which he failed to do before Jeremy returned.
“I can drive the rest of the way if you would like,” he said.
“Nah, you’re still half asleep, don’t worry about it. You gotta play I-spy with me though. Roadtrip tradition.” Jean groaned at that, and Jeremy laughed in response. Jean looked at Jeremy, the sun illuminating his blond strands even more, and Jean couldn’t help admiring his beauty. Jeremy turned to him as if feeling Jean’s eyes on him. He turned and focused on the road ahead. Little did he know, Jeremy had been admiring his profile in much the same way as he slept.
—
The Knox home was a modern, two-storey in the suburbs of Sacramento. As Jeremy pulled into the driveway behind a black sedan, a brunette woman ran out to the car to greet them. Before Jeremy could even switch the car off, he unclipped his seatbelt and the door swung open, the woman pulling Jeremy into a warm embrace.
“Oh, my baby! Look at you, have you grown. Your hair definitely has, we need to get that cut, I can take you to-” she rambled before her son cut her off.
“Ma, I haven’t even gotten inside the house yet,” he replied.
That must be Catríona, he thought back to his conversation with Jeremy the night before, when he’d told Jean the names of everyone in his family, which seemed to be the biggest family Jean had come across. He wasn’t used to people from large families, he didn’t even have one of his own. As he spoke, another woman appeared, though much calmer than the first. Yet Jean could see in her face, she too was just as excited to be reunited with her son. And that would be Maria.
“Hi, baby.” she smiled.
“Hi, mom. Tell ma to back off, she’s smothering me already.” The woman laughed before the first woman bent down to see the passenger in the car. Jean took this as his opening to step out of the vehicle. He rounded the car and stuck his hand out as an offering.
“Hello, I’m Jean. It’s nice to meet you both,” he said.
Jeremy’s ma swiped his hand away and pulled him into a hug. Jean immediately tensed up, and locked eyes with Jeremy, who pulled at the woman’s shoulder. “Ma,” he said sternly, and the woman pulled away quickly. And Jean would be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed the warmth of the mother’s embrace, one he had no memories of all these years later.
—
As they entered the home, Jean spotted two teenagers on the sofa, with matching chestnut curls. They stood as Jeremy entered, both throwing an arm around their brother. After their greetings, Jeremy turned to Jean. “This is Paige,” he said in reference to the girl, still with her arm around Jeremy. “And that’s Alex.” Alex, noticeably the more social of the pair, stuck their hand out for Jean to shake, a smile to rival Jeremy’s on their face. Jean had heard about all of Jeremy’s siblings, and it was nice to finally put faces to the names.
“Nice to meet you, Alex, I’m Jean.” he said.
“Woah,” Alex replied, “you’re tall.” They were, in fact, correct. Jean stood at nearly six and a half feet tall, and had a good 10 inches on their brother. Jeremy pouted in response to Jean’s smirk, their height difference had always been a sore spot for the blonde.
“Well, you’re quite tall yourself. Definitely taller than your brother.” Jean said with a wink, earning a “hey” from Jeremy.
The twins led Jean to the kitchen, where lunch was almost finished. Jeremy encouraged Jean to sit at the table, and he turned to help his mothers. A hand on his shoulder pushed him back down as he tried to stand to help out. Jean turned to see Jeremy’s mom, who told him to seat himself, that he was a guest.
Lunch was Irish stew, made by Jeremy’s ma. Jean had never tried it before, but as they ate he could understand the warmth and love put into homemade dishes such as this. As they ate, Jean asked Catríona about the food, who in turn told him stories about her childhood in Dublin. In return, he shared one of her few good memories from his hometown of Marseilles. That day on the beach and a lunch of cheese, bread, grapes, and Maman’s homemade madeleines. Jean now knows that day for what it was. An apology in advance. He was taken to Castle Evermore the next day.
There were only six of them now, Jeremy’s other sister and her family would all be coming over tomorrow. As they ate, Jean noticed how much of Jeremy’s personality came from his mothers. His humor came from Maria, his kindness from Catríona. And Jean found himself excited to meet the rest of the family, if they were anything like the ball of sunshine sat beside him.
—
The next day was to be one of the hottest of the year so far, so Jean and Jeremy did nothing but lounge around, too hot for anything else. By two, Jean was getting antsy, unused to the inactivity. Jeremy, having picked up on Jean’s restlessness, spoke up.
“Want to get in the pool?” Jean did, it would be incredible in the heat, but it revealed a lot of problems. The main one being, Jean didn’t pack any swimwear, he didn't even own any. It’s not like the Ravens hit the beach when it was hot. Another major problem was, people tended to remove their shirts when they swam. Since Riko beat the shit out of Jean before his eventual transfer, Jean was finally granted privacy for the first time in years. He had never been shirtless around Jeremy, mainly so he wouldn't scare him. Jean’s back, chest, and torso were littered with scars, Riko preferred to injure places nobody would see. Jean remembers the first time he wore a t-shirt around Jeremy and the tears that welled in his eyes when he saw what had been done to his arms. He can only imagine the reaction he’d get to the rest of his body.
When Jean didn’t speak for a few minutes, Jeremy sat beside him. “You don’t have to if you don't want to.” Jean knew that, but he wasn't going to let Riko ruin his life anymore, he owed himself that much, and he made a promise to himself. “No, I want to. I just don't have any swimming trunks,” he replied. Jeremy jumped up, and within minutes he was back downstairs, full of the energy he'd been missing for the rest of that day.
“I have a few, they might be a bit small on you, but you’re thin so it should be fine. They might also be short, but nobody will see you. Okay, here’s a couple to try, if you don’t like them we can go to Target or something.” he rambled. Jean took the clothes with him into the bathroom. He tried a couple until he found a pair that fit reasonably well, before slowly pulling his shirt over his head. In the mirror, Jean stared at the scars, the slashes going in every direction across his chest. When he first came to USC, Jean was indifferent about them. Now, he couldn't look at his own reflection without hot, intense anger bubbling in his stomach and up into his throat. It took a long time for Jean to truly accept Riko’s abuse for what it was, and now he just felt angry and sickened by his cruelty. By what was taken from him; his family, his mind, his body. Jean angrily wiped at the single tear that had escaped, before he pulled his t-shirt back over his head, and left the room.
Jeremy was in the garden in his own trunks, his toe treading the water to test the temperature. He turned when he heard Jean’s approach, and smiled at his teammate. “Ready to go?” he asked. Jean nodded, and Jeremy ran and cannonballed into the pool, earning a knock on the kitchen window from his mom for soaking the lounge chairs. Jeremy laughed and looked up at Jean and he shook the water from his blonde curls like a dog.
“Coming?” he asked, and Jean stepped toward the pool. He inhaled deeply and pulled his t-shirt off before he changed his mind. Once it was over his head, he heard the sharp inhale coming from the pool.
“Jean,” Jeremy whispered, before Jean dove into the pool, not quite as graceful as he would have liked. Jean hasn’t swam in over a decade, since that last day with his family, so he's a bit rusty. After a couple of quick lengths of the pool, he stops swimming and looks at Jeremy who hasn’t moved, just kept watching Jean.
“Jean,” he said again, this time louder, “your chest, and your stomach. Turn around, please.”
Jean did as asked, and Jeremy gasped again when he saw Jean’s back, even worse than his front. He put his hand on Jean’s back, tracing the scars. Jean turned back to face Jeremy, his mouth open, but he couldn’t seem to find the right words to say. Eventually, he asks, “Riko?”
Jean nods, and Jeremy looks away, breaking eye contact. Jean hadn’t told Jeremy much detail about what Riko had done, only the bare minimum. There were things that happened, scars that were left by actions Jean would never speak of again, to anybody. Jeremy didn’t pry when Jean arrived at USC, he respected Jean’s privacy and wishes of moving on, so Jean didn’t tell him much more than Kevin had when he requested Jean’s transfer. He spoke about some of it with his therapist, but there were still things he would never speak of.
“Please, don’t ask about them.” Jean pleaded. Jeremy didn’t need that weight on his conscience.
Jeremy nodded with tears in his eyes, before pulling himself out of the pool. He grabbed a towel and walked into the house without a word. Jean watched him go. He should have left his damn t-shirt on. Jeremy walked up the stairs, out of Jean’s line of vision. Jeremy’s mom walked out from the kitchen, she had probably seen the whole thing.
“Jean. I need to go buy a few things for the barbeque. Do you want to come?” Jean was too afraid to say no, so he nodded and waited for Maria to go back inside before getting out of the pool.
The shopping trip was uneventful, as was the rest of the afternoon. Jean hadn’t seen Jeremy since the afternoon. At six, a car pulled up outside, and Maria walked out of the kitchen to open the door when a knock came. Jean stayed put where he was chopping vegetables for the garden salad. At once, Jean heard the very loud screams of children and the shouts of adults coming from the hallway. The sound put him at high alert, and he lept out of his seat. He looked around for Jeremy before he remembered he wasn’t there. Jean was unused to being away from Jeremy for long periods of time. They shared a dorm, they had practice together, plus Jean still hadn’t grown out of the Raven habit of always being in pairs. Jeremy was Jean’s support system, and he always turned to him when he was panicked. Jeremy not being there made Jean even more panicked, and so he stood up and ran into the back garden.
He ran to the shed at the end of the garden, gasping for breath. Any form of shouting usually sent Jean into some sort of panic, the noise reminding him too much of the Nest. He leaned against the shed wall keeled over, his ears ringing and his whole body shaking. It had been a while since something like this happened, so it hit him full force and caught him off guard. He didn’t even notice Jeremy run up to him until his ears stopped ringing and he heard his voice.
“Jean. Jean, breathe. Please breathe for me Jean. That’s it, inhale for three, hold it...” After a couple of minutes, Jean had calmed enough to open his eyes. Jeremy looked concerned, and he grabbed Jean by the bicep to help him stand up properly.
“Was it too much? We can leave if you want, we can go upstairs, or back to USC if you’d prefer. Just tell me what you need.”
“You.”
“Me?” Jeremy asked.
“I want to stay, I want to meet your family. Just, stay with me. Please” Jean asked.
“Yeah, ‘course. I’m sorry about earlier, I just ran off on you. It’s just, every time I think of what happened, and I remember that I knew you the whole time. Well, we were barely even acquaintances, but I can’t help but think if I paid more attention..”
“No. Stop that. Jeremy, look at me. It is not your fault, okay. It had nothing to do with you, you didn't know me. It’s not your job to save everyone.” Jeremy let out a shaky breath and nodded.
They walked inside, and Jeremy introduced Jean to his older sister Kate, her husband Brian, and their kids. All seven of them. Jean was completely overwhelmed, he still wasn’t good with new people. But Jeremy’s hand on his back grounded him, and he made it through the introductions without a hitch. After introductions had been made, Catríona pulled Jean into the kitchen with her and insisted Jeremy not follow. Jean began to panic again, but Jeremy’s “It’s okay” was enough to placate him.
“Jean. I saw you run out of the house, are you okay?” Jean gave her a small smile. Jeremy was so like her, always looking out for people, making sure everyone is okay. It was nice, to see how his mothers’ influence had shaped him into the man he was, but Jean suspected a lot of it was just who he was naturally.
“I’m fine, just got a bit overwhelmed,” he replied. Catríona nodded and didn’t push any further. Jean liked that. He returned to the front room, where Jeremy was talking to one of his nieces. Jean stood in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe when Jeremy looked up. He met his eyes and gave him a small smile, and if Jean’s breath caught at the sight, nobody needed to know.
—
The family spread out across the garden with their food served from the barbeque. Jean found himself sitting on the grass with Jeremy’s eldest niece, Eve. It was nice, peaceful even, something Jean still hadn’t become accustomed to. Before Jeremy, all he knew was violence, hate, anger. Now, here he was, sat with his friend’s family watching the sunset and listening to the quiet chatter between family. Jean could have this, he could have peace. He could have a family.
“So,” Eve spoke up, “how long have you been in love with my uncle?” Jean choked on his lemonade, and Eve laughed at him. Was he that obvious? He hadn’t told anyone about his feelings, except for the time he let it slip to Laila when he was drunk at a party. She had encouraged him to confess his feelings, but he chickened out again and again. Oh God, did Jeremy know? Eve must have noticed the panicked look on Jean’s face because she put a gentle hand on his arm.
“Don’t worry, Jer is beyond oblivious. But between me and you, I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. Talk to him, I’m sick of watching you pine after one another.” She stood up, sent Jean a wink, and sat with her dad. Jean was confused, why would Eve think Jeremy was in love with him? Before Jean had the chance to overthink the conversation, the man in question sat down beside him. They finished eating in comfortable silence, simply existing together. It was something they had always done, both doing their own thing together. It was comforting, and Jean wanted more. He looked at Kate and Brian, at Maria and Catríona and he wanted it more than he wanted anything else. Well, maybe not anything, but he wanted it so bad. He wanted Jeremy, he wanted to love him and to be loved back. And goddamnit, he deserved it.
—
After a while, the other family members made their way inside. Jean stood up and held his hand out for Jeremy to help him up. He didn't let go as he led Jeremy to the swing chair he saw earlier. He sat down next to Jeremy and took a deep breath. Just as he was about to speak, Jeremy beat him to it.
“Can I kiss you?” Jeremy said. His hand was still in Jean’s and his other hand moved to hold Jean’s face. Jean was shocked, but he leaned in and Jeremy met him halfway.
The kiss wasn’t explosive, it wasn’t fireworks on New Year’s. It was warmth, comfort. Home. It was only short and chaste, but Jean was out of breath when he pulled away. He look into Jeremy’s eyes, and he grabbed Jeremy’s face with his two hands. This kiss was more intense, it was a release of everything that had been building up in Jean’s heart over the last year.
Jean wasn’t okay, he never would be, but he was getting better. And he was beyond grateful to have Jeremy along for the ride.