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Growing up, Chan had always heard everyone around him say “It’s a sin!” whenever a certain topic was discussed. He never knew what it was when he was little, his parents refused to tell. “It's inappropriate for little children like you,” they said. If it wasn’t for the internet, he would have never gotten to know millions of people were getting oppressed by people like his own family.
He eventually asked his family what they called a sin so often, even though he already knew, not to get suspicious. He was sure his parents would kick him out if he even said he supports the LGBTQ+ community.
The couple thought it was okay to tell him now, but remembered to speak about it in such a way, it seemed being part of the community was something you should be ashamed of. His thoughts weren’t different after that though. He still believed it was okay for a person to gay, trans, or whatever they are.
It angered him so much when someone talked bad about the community. He often wondered how he stopped himself from throwing hands.
Chan never thought he was gay, he was just an ally. Until a certain freckled boy came along.
Felix was like a ball of sunshine. The older one didn’t know what it was about him, but it made him protect the younger forever. The protectiveness he felt around Felix increased when the freckled male told him he was gay. “That’s ok, I don’t have anything against gay people,” he said with a smile. He could see Felix was surprised, given the type of neighbourhood Chan lived in, but a hint of relief could be seen on his face too.
Now Chan definitely had to protect Felix, especially from most of the town’s population.
A few months later, Chan couldn’t help but notice he felt different around the other boy. It was like his heart would explode from how rapidly it would beat even if their skin touches. It was strange. He had felt it before, but it was never with guys.
He couldn’t even look at Felix now, he always felt nervous. He had to cut their hangouts short, making up some excuse.
The feelings came to the point where Chan would lock himself up in his room, questioning whether it was really what he thought it was, if he really liked Felix, a guy . He denied it every time the thought crossed his mind, but deep down, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was indeed part of the LGBTQ+ community. Now instead of denying the fact, he was worrying about how to hide it. His parents would never accept it, neither would the neighbourhood. If he came out, the respect for the whole family would decrease, and it would all be because of him.
It had been weeks since Chan locked himself up. The only times he would come out of his room was at Dinner, which he took to his room too. He ate nothing else, his parents had started worrying too.
No one worried about him as much as Felix though. The boy constantly came to check up on the older one, often trying to small talk, but his attempts went unsuccessful. He would hear nothing but a very timid “go away” (which he obeyed, but would be back the next day to hear the same sentence again).
One day, he didn’t move from his spot when Chan, once again, asked him to leave. He instead knocked on the older boy’s door repeatedly. He heard a few more requests for him to leave, followed by some more aggressive ones with curses here and there, but didn’t move. Just stood there knocking on the older’s door. “I won’t leave until you tell me what’s going on!” Felix said, knocking once more. He heard footsteps nearing the door and unlocking it. He smiled in victory.
“Come in,” Chan said, looking at his feet. It seemed as if he was trying to hide his face, like he didn’t want to be seen. Felix furrowed his brows, lifting Chan’s head up with his hands. He gasped as he saw the condition the taller was in. His skin was pale, too pale, he had dark circles under his eyes, he was so thin he was stopping himself from hugging Chan, afraid he would break.
He couldn’t think of anything to say as he looked at the person in front him. Chan was unrecognisable. The wholesome guy he used to be was nowhere to be found. Instead, someone who was clearly in critical need of therapy. “C-Chan…what happened?” He asked in a quiet voice. He was very worried seeing how the man was treating himself. He felt pity for him, even though he didn’t know the reason.
“I’m bi, Felix…”
“Oh…well, that’s alri-”
“It’s not you I’m worried about, Lix,” He said, sitting down on the bed. He looked up at the freckled boy with sad eyes. “It’s Mum and Dad. You know how the neighbourhood is, they’ll never accept me…”
Chan didn’t tell Felix he liked him. He didn’t even know if the younger male felt the same, he didn’t want to risk it. What if Felix got uncomfortable around him? What if they stopped being friends? What if they went back to being strangers? He couldn’t imagine a life without Felix.
“Oh Chan…”
Flex sat down on the bed, beside the older one. He hugged him tightly. He knew what it felt like, he knew what it was like trying to pretend to be someone you’re not. It was a horrible experience, trying to make it seem like you like someone you don’t, trying to make it seem like you’re “normal.”
He could hear quiet sobs now, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know how to react when someone around him cried, so he just hugged him even tighter. They sat there for a while, arms wrapped around each other.
Chan pulled away after some time and held Felix’s hands. It’s now or never, he thought as he sighed.
“Do you know who made me realise I was gay?”
Felix chuckled. “I have a hunch…”
Both of them leaned, embracing each other as their lips made contact. The moment was almost perfect. Chan had forgotten all about his worries in the span of just a few seconds, the only thought which filled his mind was Felix.
But of course, it all had to end. The older one’s parents came into the room, horrified by the fact their own son was kissing a guy.
‘Bang. Christopher. Chan, ” His mother shrieked, almost running towards him and grabbing him by his collar. “How dare you kiss another man?” The boy’s father marched towards the younger male. “You’re that new boy, aren’t you? Wait till I tell your parents you’re fooling around with my son, a boy ,” He said, emphasising the last bit. Felix would be lying if he said he didn’t feel scared, because he did. Chan’s father was a buff man, he could tear him to pieces in no time.
Still, he gathered all his courage to reply. “But they already know…”
“And they’re ok with it?” The older man replied in shock as if decent people didn’t exist.
Felix nodded, trying to go over to his love, but was stopped by Chan’s father. He immediately understood what the older man was trying to say, and left, after giving one guilty look at Chan.
The latter watched him leave with teary eyes. This was definitely not the way he wanted this to go. He never wanted to come out like this. On the other hand, he was hurt at the way the first thing his parents noticed was him committing a “sin.” Neither of them asked why he didn’t come out of his room, why he looked so pale, why he looked so thin, if he was okay. No, all they cared about was the fact their son was gay.
The woman let go of her son’s collar hearing him sob. “You’re crying now? Are you trying to become a woman?” She shouted. Chan didn’t say anything, he just sobbed quietly looking at how frustrated his parents looked. But the words that came out of his father’s mouth were not expected. “Get out,” was the phrase that broke his heart into a million pieces. “My son will not be a faggot.”
“What?” He yelled. “You’re kicking me out because I love someone of my own gender? Is that how low you can get? Kicking out your own son just because he doesn’t like someone who’s the opposite of him?”
“I said get out, I will not let a sinner be a part of my family.
The younger scoffed, folding his arms. “Wow, didn’t know loving was a sin!” He shouted, and left. He didn’t deserve to be treated this way, and he knew it. The best thing was to let go of the thing that is holding you back, even if it’s your family.
He stepped into the night. The sky was like a dark canvas flickered with millions of droplets of white paint. It somehow felt comforting, like the sky knew his sadness.
Chan gave his home one last glance, and walked towards a certain freckled boy’s home.
Yes, Lee Felix.
A guy.