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Dazai’s manic laughter quickly turned into a coughing fit as he almost choked on the pills he was trying to swallow, grinning as he watched the blood trickle down his arm. He didn’t want to feel a single thing anymore. He pushed the blade into his wrist just a little bit further. He swung his head back against the bathtub and stared up at the ceiling. A rush of euphoria overtook him as he almost saw stars. His eyes glanced back down towards his arms, he didn’t want to stop until crimson was all he could see.
Further. Further. Further.
How far could the demon prodigy go until he was pushed to his limit? Dazai hated himself. He hated himself more than anything else in this disgusting world. Although he had never planned on going out this painfully, the feeling was honestly so intoxicating that he didn’t care anymore. A moan almost escaped his lips when he slashed the silver blade into his thigh. This was physical torture but his mind was definitely worse. Nothing in this life was worth prolonging this suffering any longer. He no longer had a reason to live...
He just wanted to go now. He felt dizzy. His head spun and his vision blurred, brain hazy. His body dropped to the floor, he was feeling weakness now. The blade gleamed at him in his unsteady hand. Trembling, he readied himself to make one last cut. This should do it.
*Smack*
Dazai shuddered as the sharp blade was suddenly knocked out of his hand across to the other side of the room, flicking tiny droplets of blood across the floor. Was there someone with him right now? Dazai made a feeble attempt to kick them away, but he couldn’t focus on the figure as his eyes begun to flutter out of consciousness. His body was still shaking, but it was now being held by some stranger…
Both of Dazai’s arms dropped to his sides.
“Osamu!”
That voice. Ah that voice. He managed to open his eyes long enough to catch a glimpse of the redhead who was cradling him.
“Ch-“ Dazai slurred.
“Don’t you dare give up on me now!” He felt a gloved hand clasp his cheek.
“Please, stay awake, just a moment longer, just- while I bandage you.” The voice was desperate and breathless. Dazai stared at the boy who was looking down on him but couldn’t process anything that was happening. All he could feel was a cloth gently dabbing against his aching skin. Dazai lied there, in a dazed state, as the other man hurriedly wrapped bandages tightly around his arms and thighs. His mind blurred and all he could register were the gentle sobs coming from the redhead.
Why was he crying?
Dazai winced and came back to his senses a little bit when a thumb accidentally scratched against a deep cut on his thigh. “Ah! T- there’s- there’s just a… lot. Of blood! I mean. I’m- I’m try- trying my best to patch it up- but- it k-keeps bleeding through the bandages…” The panic in Chuuya’s voice made Dazai feel a horrible rush of guilt, Chuuya was pretty good at treating wounds after being with Dazai for so many years, so seeing him finally break under the pressure was a little alarming. Dazai’s breathing grew thinner, he was getting more and more lightheaded, maybe he’d shut his eyes, just for a little while, just until Chuuya saved him.
“Y-you bastard! Don’t leave me again!” Chuuya’s voice shook as he shouted this and, perhaps, if Dazai hadn’t felt so ill, he would’ve smiled at the sentence. He seemed to find a strange comfort in the fact that even in such a desperate situation, Chuuya would still, at any given chance, insult him. Even though Chuuya’s eyes were swollen and red, and his face was stained with tears, he was still more beautiful than ever, at least to Dazai. Beautiful, he thought.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful…
“Beautiful…”
That’s right. Dazai remembered now. The reason he was still alive after all these years, was right in front of him. He felt it again. The desire to keep fighting no matter what, whenever his eyes happened to fall upon Chuuya, that beautiful feeling always came back. He somehow managed to make all of the pain and suffering worth it. His eyes shut.
~~
Dazai awoke to see he was still lying on the bathroom floor, but it was different from just moments before when he had felt so alone. It was now a small, crying redhead that was suffocating him rather than his own thoughts.
“I-I can’t breathe-“
Chuuya immediately loosened his grip on Dazai and looked at him with a sigh of relief.
“You didn’t… leave me.” He murmured as he buried his head into Dazai’s collarbone, still sobbing. Dazai’s heart sank when he noticed Chuuya trembling, he loathed that he was the reason Chuuya was having a panic attack.
If Dazai had died just then… was Chuuya’s plan to simply lie beside him and cry?
Dazai pulled Chuuya in a little closer and gently glided his hand along his back to try and soothe him, hushing him sweetly.
“I’d never-”
Dazai jumped as Chuuya shivered against his hand, a worried expression spread across his face.
“Hey…”
Chuuya didn’t answer him, instead his breathing began to hitch. Without thinking, Dazai pulled Chuuya’s hand into his own. His breathing worsened and Dazai could feel the sweat on his body that Chuuya had become drenched in.
“Hey, Chuuya look at me…“
Tears continued to stream down his freckled face, and although Chuuya was a far more emotional person than himself, Dazai had to admit, he’d never seen Chuuya cry this much in all seven years of knowing him… Chuuya’s other hand tensed into a fist, a technique Chuuya often used to ground himself when recovering from corruption. Yet, for some reason, Chuuya seemingly found it harder to gain control over himself in the current situation. Chuuya only continued hyperventilate, and then Dazai thought of the only way he knew to put Chuuya at ease.
He cupped Chuuya’s cheek.
It was a simple act. An affectionate act. One that Chuuya had only ever allowed Dazai to do. The shaking halted as Chuuya slowly looked up at Dazai. He so easily got lost in those deep, dark eyes. The simple action almost immediately brought him back to his senses, which was why there and the back of his neck were Dazai’s favourite places to touch Chuuya… (after corruption).
“I’m here, Chuuya.” His words felt like a relief almost as strong as his ability.
Once Chuuya seemed a little less shaken up Dazai slowly shifted Chuuya away from his shoulders. “You’re making my shirt damp.”
At first Chuuya looked like he wanted to punch Dazai, but then he let out a gentle, broken laugh.
“It’s covered in blood anyway… dumbass.”
“Huh, I guess you’re right!”
“…come on. Let’s get you changed into some fresh clothes.” Chuuya sighed, helping a lightheaded Dazai lift himself off of the ground.
“Jeez, this would be so much easier if you didn’t nullify my ability. You’re so heavy.”
Dazai chuckled slightly. “I wish I could stop your panic attacks with my ability.”
Chuuya didn’t respond, but did feel his face burn up a little at the slightly ironic fact that Dazai did usually manage stop his panic attacks with his touch.
Chuuya carefully laid Dazai down onto the bed and began to slowly unbutton his blood-soaked shirt, anxious not to accidentally scratch past any of his cuts. Once it was fully unbuttoned, Chuuya just stared for a moment. It took everything within him not to start crying again at the sight of Dazai’s scarred and bloodied chest. When Dazai noticed the disturbed expression on Chuuya’s soft face, he interlocked his fingers with his own once again, snapping Chuuya out of his trance.
“You don’t have to do this if it’s too much for you, Chuuya, I can-”
“It’s fine.”
“I…”
“Sit up.” Chuuya instructed as he gently guided Dazai up with his hands so that he could fully remove his shirt.
“I should… change your bandages.”
“You don’t have to do that right now-“
“You’re filthy.” Chuuya stated bluntly, but the words cut through Dazai almost as strong as the blades he so often used to hurt himself and he couldn’t keep that tear from rolling out of his eye at the remark.
“No- I didn’t mean… not like that.” Chuuya muttered awkwardly from under his breath, before stumbling up from the bed and rummaging through the drawers for fresh bandages. With that, Chuuya perched back down on the bed and began to steadily unravel the bloodied bandages he had hurriedly wrapped around him in such desperation just hours before. Chuuya gasped at Dazai’s exposed arm, forgetting how deep the cut was. He teared up again and muttered something that sounded like ‘baby’ under his breath…but Dazai wasn’t too sure. Chuuya quickly wrapped the new bandages around him with the ease from previous experiences, his hands slightly shaky, and then let out a small sigh. After tying them together neatly, he guided Dazai’s hand to rest on his cheek again. He gently traced his fingers upon the non-sore parts of his skin and then placed slow, little kisses along his arm, very much taking Dazai by surprise as he did so. Chuuya remained unfazed as he kissed Dazai’s hand, and then sleepily whispered “I love you…”
This, of course, caused Dazai’s face to turn the same colour as Chuuya’s hair.
“Chuuya…” Dazai clasped his mouth with his free hand out of embarrassment.
Chuuya normally would have been embarassed by what he’d just done, but in this situation he didn’t care anymore, if this was what it took to make Dazai understand that someone truly cares about him then, so be it. So Chuuya only smiled softly in response. Dazai’s heart jolted in his chest, why was Chuuya so affectionate all of a sudden?
“Osamu…”
Dazai’s eyes widened at Chuuya’s use of his first name, it was so rare. He pulled Chuuya down onto the mattress and tightly wrapped his arms around him.
They stayed there in comfortable silence for a moment. Chuuya resting his hand on Dazai’s chest, quietly attempting to reassure himself with the feeling of Dazai’s heartbeat. How could Dazai not know how much he cared for him? A horrible guilt rushed over Chuuya and a single tear dropped onto Dazai’s chest.
Dazai soothingly ran his fingers through Chuuya’s lose curls. He pulled a blanket over the two of them.
“Let’s go to bed, Chuuya.”