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Mello was actually great at ignoring his feelings. He was great at ignoring his Catholic guilt when he kissed Matt, great at ignoring his crush when he studied, great at ignoring his inferiority complex on Sunday morning. No, the problem was never that he let his feelings get in the way - it’s that he had them at all. They preferred ASPD to… whatever Mello had. To just being normal? Horribly traumatized? It didn’t matter.
“B had ASPD, and he was still second,” Matt generously pointed out. He was sitting up in bed, DS in hand. Mello rolled his eyes.
“That’s because he was too vocal,” He explained, sitting up. Matt didn’t need it explained, though. Mello just didn’t like him being wrong. Sometimes Matt was wrong just to hear Mello correct him, but they both ignored that.
“They ignored A until he killed himself because he wasn’t screaming he would.” Mello turned to face Matt. “But they knew he would, didn’t they?”
Matt shrugged. “B did.”
“B knew everything.” It was hardly an exaggeration. Mello had his theories on why; Matt didn’t bother. Some things were just true, and that was it.
“They couldn’t ignore him,” Mello repeated.
“Because he was crazy.”
“Because he knew everything. I mean, wouldn’t you be?”
“You know everything, you tell me.”
Mello rolled his eyes again. He did not, in fact, know everything. Not like B did.
“I know nothing, Matt.”
“You know more than me.”
“Only because you choose not to know things.” They didn’t care for ADHD, either. Deep down, Mello knew Matt was smarter than him. He was just too bored or under-stimulated to care. He didn’t care about much, really. B always liked that about him. Caring got you hurt. That’s why A killed himself, why B killed other people, why Mello was always angry. Why they didn’t like emotional children.
Unfortunately for Matt, he cared deeply for a force that would hurt him relentlessly. He supposed it was just his type. He cared about his mom, and now he was an orphan.
“They knew A would kill himself,” Mello decided. “They knew, and they did nothing.”
“They were just the test group, though, you know that. They expected them to fail.”
“It’s still fucked up.”
“Totally fucked up.”
Mello crawled over to Matt, tilted his head up, and kissed him. Short, simple, sweet. Once, twice. He slid between Matt’s legs, his back pressed against his chest, head on his shoulder. “Play that game I like.”
Matt opened Animal Crossing on his DS. Mello didn’t know why he enjoyed watching. It was just something they did together, and Matt never teased him.
“They ignored B, though,” Matt said. “That’s why all that shit happened.”
Mello nodded against him. “Yeah, but it was difficult, so they punished him. He stayed second, even though he was smarter. They didn’t want someone like that replacing L.”
“Mells, I hate to tell you, but B saying he was smarter isn’t exactly the most reliable information,” Matt said. “Plus, he was already B - Backup. They pre-decided.”
“That’s why they removed that system. B was better, they just wouldn’t admit it.”
“He was better than A because he wasn’t dead.”
Mello slapped Matt’s leg. “Don’t be annoying.”
Matt laughed. “Don’t be mean.”
“They stopped ignoring him after A died. They had to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. Unfortunately, B wasn’t suicidal-”
Matt laughed again, sharper, surprised. “The fuck does that mean?”
Mello reconsidered his words. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I would hope not.” Matt kissed Mello’s cheek. “What did you mean?”
“Unfortunately for them, B wasn’t suicidal. They didn’t know how to deal with him, so the cycle of medication began, required counseling, forced productivity.”
“Why was that only implemented for him? Why not for everyone as prevention?”
Mello thought about it. “They’re lazy, mostly. But I think they wanted to weed out the ‘weak’ ones.”
“That’s… dark.” Matt scrunched up his nose at the idea. He didn’t know if he even believed it. Mello had a habit of making everything sound worse, and he experienced everything differently. Especially with the House. He and B both did. They understood each other in a way Matt or A never could.
“They responded to our problems when we had them,” Mello said.
“By sending us to shitty counselors. Or B, when he was around.” If their counselors were barely qualified, B was practicing illegally.
“We saw Roger sometimes, but that was really a punishment.” B was more qualified in child rearing than Roger was. He made you feel you were in trouble even when you weren’t.
“It was all punishment, wasn’t it?” Matt asked, kind of miserable.
“Yeah.” Mello leaned up to kiss Matt’s cheek. “I think only we got sent to B.”
“Because B liked us.” It was definitely because they were forcing B to be social. He didn’t mind, or at least never blamed them for it.
“Look at where that got us.”
Matt chuckled. “Gay?”
Mello elbowed him. “Wearing too much damn eyeliner.”
Matt fake-gasped. “You like it!”
Mello kissed his cheekbone, right below his eye with too much liner. “Yeah, I do.”
Matt smiled. That’s why he did anything.
“I meant more like… deep-seated emotional problems.”
“Hm. I don’t think B had anything to do with that. He just didn’t help.” Not that he could.
Mello shrugged. “Made me a murderer apologist.”
“Oh, you’re admitting it now?” Matt closed his DS, much more interested in Mello’s revelation.
“I guess I am. Not an impressive look for our career path.”
“We don’t have a career.”
“You know what I mean.”
Matt hummed in response. He did, and he wasn’t happy about it. “‘Apologist’ isn’t the best term to use, but sympathy for him isn’t so bad.” He didn’t think sympathy was ever so bad. It was important, even. That was a symptom of loving someone people didn’t like, and maybe even being partially raised by B.
“L isn’t sympathetic to criminals.”
“Not being sympathetic to criminals and never feeling sympathy are different.”
Mello sat up and turned to Matt. He had that detached look, like he always did when they talked about L.
He cupped his face in his hands and kissed him feather-soft.
Matt kissed him back, because he always did. But his expression didn’t soften.
“You don’t have to be like L. You’re perfect as is.”
Matt said that a lot. Mello didn’t really believe him. He smiled sadly and kissed his forehead.
Matt blinked. “Wait, you’re not gonna argue? No ‘fuck you, L has sympathy’?”
Mello laughed. “Do you want to argue about something?”
Matt thought about it. “No, I’m just surprised.”
Mello shrugged. “That’s why they favor emotionless kids, isn’t it? They’re the most like L.”
“Yeah.”
Mello tucked Matt’s hair behind his ears. If Matt wanted to, he could surpass Mello. He was smart like Near - talented, no trying involved, much less emotional. Not quite up to their standards, but close enough. Matt’s only fault was caring too much. Mostly about Mello.
Matt’s only fault was Mello.
“You think they favor emotionless kids because they’re the most like L?” Matt asked.
“I think so, yeah. They’re easier. If someone like us or B was L, this institution wouldn’t exist. Not like this, anyway.”
“They would’ve been like ‘too bad this kid is a twat, because he’s a genius’.”
“Exactly. They wouldn’t want to raise another generation of genius twats.” Never mind that’s what they were doing already.
“I think L is kinda a twat, though.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“B did, too. Except he cared more. He was, like, jealous. Or envious, I never remember.”
Mello nodded. For as much time as he and B spent together, he didn’t know what his beef with L was. Not that A had killed himself; B didn’t like him either. He said he was full of himself and just as disturbed. Mello didn’t know if that was true, but he knew B would’ve killed A if given the opportunity.
A cared too much, that’s why B didn’t like him. More than anything else, that’s why. Mello remembered that, because he cared, too. But B still liked him.
“Maybe you’re more like B than you thought,” Mello says. Matt shrugs. He doesn’t think so.
“I think L is a twat, not the bane of my existence. I wouldn’t set myself on fire over him.”
For as often as Matt’s tongue was in Mello’s mouth, he didn’t know Matt’s issue with L, either.
“If you ever feel like you would, tell me and we’ll get the hell out of here.”
Matt smiled. “Okay.” And as if to seal the deal, they kiss. Firm, soft, long.
Even if Matt ever felt that way, he wouldn’t tell Mello. He worked too hard for everything to throw it away for him. Luckily, his problem with L really wasn’t that serious. He just loved Mello more than he had words for and had a problem with authority.
“Same goes for you,” Matt whispers against Mello’s lips.
“What do you mean?”
“If you ever wanna set yourself on fire, or hurt yourself at all, we’ll get the fuck outta here.”
Mello doesn’t take the offer as seriously. He laughs, and Matt wonders if he’s not willing to give up his work, either. They’re kissing again soon enough, so it doesn’t matter.
“I don’t care that much.”
That’s why B liked him.
Matt knew it was a lie. Mello usually forgot how he felt about these things when it was just them, kissing and talking like life was normal. Monday morning would remind him of everything he’d been doing for ten years, and it’d be like none of this ever happened.
Mello was great at ignoring his feelings.