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Everyone knows it's meant to be // Falling in love, just you and me
one
It was just her luck, Taylor Kelly thought. All the good ones are gay or taken. Or both, it seemed, in the case of one Evan Buckley, or Buck, as he had introduced himself to her after heroically saving her from a tragic, life changing helicopter accident.
One of the things that Taylor loved most about herself was her drive and determination. I set a goal, I exceed that goal, had always been her motto. If a helicopter crash was what it took to get her off traffic reporting and onto hard boiled, breaking news, then so be it. And if one tall, muscular, mouth-wateringly delicious man could scratch an itch that she so loved having scratched and provide inside information on newsworthy LAFD emergencies, she was going to lock that down as quickly as possible.
Except, of course, in the case that he had an incredibly overprotective boyfriend. There were certain lines that Taylor would cross and the 6 ft scowling Eddie Diaz was one that might be fun to poke at but Taylor did not want to see him when he was off duty and less restrained, so no matter how friendly and flirty Buck had seemed at the scene, that was one situation she would have to avoid. Or approach very carefully. You know, if the opportunity arose. Since she was at the station, filming what she was determined would not be a puff piece. If she happened to find him alone in the kitchen and ready to chat, for example.
“Firefighter Buckley! Do you have a minute? I just have some questions, for background, filler, that kind of thing,” Taylor said with an almost predatory smile.
“Oh, uh, sure,” Buck said before shoving the rest of an oversized cookie in his mouth.
Taylor laughed politely.
“You firefighters seem like you’re not that used to dealing with the press,” she said.
“Well… uh,” Buck held up a finger and swallowed. “We talk to the press sometimes after calls, you know, but nothing like this that I know of. Are you getting some good interviews?”
“Sure. Other than your Captain avoiding me and… well I think your boyfriend doesn’t like me very much,” she said.
“My boyfriend?” Buck scrunched his face, trying to unravel what she meant. “Oh you mean Eddie? No, no, we’re just friends. He’s just really private. It took me like a whole week before he would tell me his insta handle.”
“Hmmmm. I didn’t realize,” Taylor said, leaning closer. “So, tell me more about why you became a firefighter.”
two
She and Buck had just finished a quite acrobatic hookup, if she did say so herself, and she was carefully putting herself back together again, when she noticed the name across the back of Buck’s LAFD t-shirt. Instead of the usual Buckley that should have been there, Diaz stretched across Buck’s back instead. Typical, Taylor thought.
“No wonder your shirt’s so tight,” she said running her fingertips down Buck’s spine. “You must’ve grabbed your boyfriend’s instead.”
Buck craned his neck around trying to see the back of his own shirt. He grinned sheepishly.
“Oh I guess I grabbed Eddie’s,” he said with a laugh. “Sometimes we throw all the laundry together, you know how it is.”
“Sure,” Taylor said. “Just bros doing their laundry together.”
Buck shrugged. “It’s Eddie,” he said. “You know we’re just friends.”
three
Taylor, perhaps naively, thought that things would change now that she and Buck were giving their relationship an honest go. She was starting to think that maybe she could be a girlfriend, even if it did leave a somewhat sour taste in her mouth. There was just something about Buck, a sweet vulnerable side underneath all that machismo. It was nice, she thought, to feel needed by him and they could really understand each other, she felt, the way he threw himself into the fire mirroring the way she threw herself at the truth. And maybe that was enough, to be that for each other. And the sex was great, of course.
But there were times when Taylor felt that as much as she understood Buck, there were still some parts of him that she rarely saw, sides of him that felt off limits. He felt like a different person sometimes, the person he was around her and the person he was around everyone else. It was just because their relationship was so new, she tried to tell herself. These things come with time. It was still hard though, to see how caring he was with Eddie in the hospital, and after, bringing him home to what Taylor thought was sure an ill-advised welcome home party.
She watched from the dining room as Buck fussed over Eddie on the couch, grabbing him an extra pillow, a fluffier blanket. Water, then tea. And the way that Buck gazed at Eddie like he hung the moon, like Eddie’s own girlfriend wasn’t sitting right there next to him, perfectly capable of getting Eddie a drink if he needed one. Taylor tried to push down her irritation, but it kept bubbling back up with every minute Buck left her alone while he doted on Eddie. And that was, of course, when Eddie’s grandmother, bless her heart, drifted over to talk to Taylor.
“Our Buck is such a good partner, taking care of Eddie and Chris the way that he does. We are so lucky to have him in our family,” the older woman said.
“Well, you know Buck,” Taylor said tightly. “He’s never met someone he doesn’t want to save.”
“Mmm,” Abuela said noncommittally. “Nice meeting you dear.”
And that was the extent of Taylor’s introductions to Eddie’s family. Hours later, after the party had died down and Buck had disappeared to tuck Chris and Eddie into bed, Taylor found herself alone, washing dishes in the kitchen of a man she didn’t even think that she liked very much. I am being a good girlfriend, she thought. I am supportive and kind and thinking about our future together.
After what felt like an ungodly amount of time, Taylor heard Buck’s soft footfalls and felt more than heard as he wrapped her in a hug from behind.
“Thanks Tay,” he murmured. “You really didn’t have to do that.”
Taylor forced herself to smile and turned around.
“It’s not a problem!” She said with fake cheerfulness. “I was just waiting to see if you wanted to come back to mine or we could go back to yours.”
“Oh,” Buck started, taking a step back and rubbing his hand across his face. “Well, I just figured I was going to stay here… in case Eddie needs anything.”
“Of course, right. I should have known,” she said.
Buck gently pushed the door behind him closed.
“Eddie was just shot. He shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“And doesn’t he have a girlfriend? I don’t understand why you have to be the one to stay here.”
“It’s just… they’re not there yet. I’m his best friend. He would do the same for me.”
“Right. Best friends. It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?” Taylor spat out, all her frustration suddenly surfacing. “Just tell me one thing Evan, does he suck your dick before or after you kiss his ass?”
“Ok, you need to go now,” Buck said and all the anger evaporated from Taylor’s body.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that… It’s been a long day and I just want to be close to you,” Taylor said, stepping forward and resting her hand on Buck’s arm.
Buck shrugged her off and backed up again.
“I get it and I’m sorry too, but it’s getting late and I just think you should go now,” he said.
“I really am sorry, Buck,” Taylor said quietly.
Buck exhaled and Taylor could see the moment he caved and decided to forgive her.
“I know,” he said. “I’ll call you in the morning, ok?”
“Ok,” she said, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss him softly. “Get some sleep.”
four
One benefit to Eddie’s welcome home party, Taylor felt, was that she was finally introduced to the quite infamous Ana Flores. Finally, she thought, another woman that I can commiserate with and try to figure out this whole weird thing. Maybe we’ll end up sister-wives, she thought, laughing manically in her mind.
Her relationship with Buck felt so fragile half the time, a house of cards about to fall. But Eddie and Ana seemed so solid, absolutely indestructible. So, if Taylor set up a double date with the express purpose of studying Eddie and Ana’s relationship and observing Buck and Eddie with less people around, well who could blame her?
“I’m excited!” Taylor said, while she slid on her heels and waited for Buck to finish putting product in his hair. “I think it’s going to be fun. I’ll get to know Eddie better and you’ll get to know Ana better and we’ll have more couple friends this way.”
“Sure, Tay,” Buck said, distracted by his hair.
“I know you don’t like Ana, but you do care about Eddie and he cares about Ana. And I’m trying here and you’re trying, so look at us…” she trailed off as it became apparent Buck wasn’t paying any attention to her. “Just absolutely nailing it,” she finished, but it felt empty.
The restaurant Taylor picked had quiet outdoor seating, perfect for a relaxed dinner and drinks. Unfortunately it seemed that it was also perfect for over-friendly and frankly overbearing waiters.
“Welcome to La Bonne Nuit! Ah, I see it’s take your sisters to dinner day?” the mustachioed waiter said.
“Excuse me?” Taylor said.
“My apologies, mademoiselle! I’m always just putting my foot right in my mouth! Perhaps this is date night? Would you and your lady friend like to see our tasting menu for two?”
“Jesus Christ,” Taylor said. “I need a gin and tonic.”
five
Being invited to the 118 family picnic is a good thing, Taylor decided. Even if the last place she wanted to be on a Saturday afternoon was a scratchy picnic blanket laid over dried grass. Even if she was starting to get a headache between the glaring sun and the high pitched yelling of the kids swarming around the playground. And, of course, her wonderful, lovely, perfect in every way boyfriend would rather be running around with said children, since he was an oversized child after all.
But Taylor wasn’t upset about this. No, she was a mature adult. Her boyfriend was in his element and she was sitting back and observing it all, or at least, watching the way Eddie tracked Buck from across the field during the pauses in his conversation with Karen by the grill, the way Buck glanced back at Eddie every few minutes as if to make sure he was still there, still watching.
Eddie, who had been conspicuously sans Ana for several months now—they just weren’t a good fit, was all Buck had to say about that— smiled easily as Buck jogged away from the kids and straight to Eddie’s side. Buck fake panted, as if chasing after the children had winded him at all, and draped his body across Eddie’s back, as if he was too exhausted to go on. From her picnic blanket, Taylor could see Eddie laugh fondly, pulling Buck around to his side and inspecting his face before digging sunscreen out of an oversized tote bag and tossing it in Buck’s direction.
And granted, Buck was starting to look pink, but it was just so unbearably domestic, it made Taylor’s stomach turn. Eventually, finally, Buck loped his way over towards Taylor with his sunscreen applied and double-checked by Eddie.
“It looks like you’re having fun,” Taylor said coolly.
“Yeah!” Buck said, beaming. “It’s great to have all the kids together.”
“Mhmmm. Are you ready to head out soon? We can go back to yours and spend the rest of the day with the lights off,” Taylor said seductively.
But, just as Buck was about to reply, Christopher ambled over from the playground.
“Dad, I’m hungry,” Chris whined.
Taylor looked around, confused, wondering if Eddie had walked over and she hadn’t noticed. But no, Chris was clearly talking to Buck, her boyfriend, not-a-father, Buck, who appeared to not notice the slip at all.
“I snuck some snacks in Dad’s tote. If the burgers aren’t ready yet, you can go get something out,” Buck replied easily.
“Thanks Bucky!” Chris said with a grin and a nuzzle to the side of Buck’s face before he sped over to his actual father.
Buck turned back to Taylor with a distant smile.
“He’s really into butterfly kisses right now,” Buck said, as if that was some kind of explanation.
“Super,” Taylor said drily as she began to pick up her purse and sunglasses and smoothed out her skirt. “I can see you have your hands full here, so I’m going to go.”
“What are you talking about?” Buck asked.
“You’re so busy pretending to be Christopher’s dad, you failed to notice I’ve been alone over here for 45 minutes.”
“We’re at a party Taylor, there’s people everywhere. I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Chris just calls you dad now? And I’m not supposed to think you’re having an affair with Eddie?”
“Oh my god? Chris calls everyone Dad sometimes. He called Carla Dad last week. It happens! Sometimes you just slip up. I called my math teacher mom once, it’s not a big deal?”
“Well, I guess that’s another point in the Mommy issues column,” Taylor said sharply as she stood to leave.
“Jesus, Taylor. That’s low.” Buck stood too as if to follow her.
“No, no. You stay here. I’m going home.” She met his eyes and softened slightly. “Call me later.”
“Taylor…” Buck started.
“I just need a minute, ok? You have fun.”
And if Taylor went home and spent an hour screaming and crying, well whose business was that other than hers?
+ one
After the Great Picnic Debacle, as Taylor had taken to calling it among her friends, she managed to skip any 118 events that came up. Breaking news could be a godsend that way. Who cared if she couldn’t stand to see her boyfriend around his friends? Lots of couples felt that way and their relationship was great the rest of the time, so did it really matter in the end? Of course, by the time Christmas came around it had become fairly obvious that Taylor was avoiding the 118 and it was Christmas after all. Of course she wanted to spend their first Christmas together and if that meant another 118 gathering, then she would tough it out.
But it was nice, actually, to be there with Buck by her side like the dutiful boyfriend she always knew he could be. She felt so special with him next to her, the winner of the best prize, everything she wanted at the tip of her fingers. And maybe Eddie’s grim approach to rest his hand on Buck’s shoulder should have been a warning sign, but Taylor was too intoxicated with the attention Buck had been focusing on her.
“Can I borrow him for a minute?” Eddie asked, though his hold on Buck’s shoulder seemed more territorial than it needed to be.
“Of course! I’ll freshen up our drinks and be right back,” Taylor said with a fake smile. She stretched up and kissed Buck for perhaps a moment longer than necessary, but it was Christmas after all.
And, just as Taylor had expected, the punch bowl was the perfect place to observe whatever seemingly serious conversation Eddie was having with Buck and Hen and the new kid who’s name Taylor couldn’t be bothered to remember. There were the four of them standing there, but you wouldn’t know that looking at Buck and Eddie, staring intensely at each other as if no one else was around. Eddie looked like he was speaking only to Buck, holding his gaze as he went. Taylor could feel the tension from her spot across the lawn.
Finally, Eddie finished saying whatever it was he needed to say, his eyes starting to water as if he was moments away from crying. As soon as he stopped, Buck stumbled, half back, half into Hen who tried to hold him up, but he moved back again, turning around, retreating straight to Taylor, shock and hurt across his face. He grabbed the drink from her hand and downed it in a gulp.
“We should go,” he said quickly. “I need to go.”
“Okayyyyyy,” Taylor replied. “If you’re sure.”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Buck said, placing his hand at the small of her back and guiding her towards the parking lot.
She risked one glance back at Eddie and it told her everything she needed to know. Eddie stared back at Buck’s retreating figure, a similar look of devastation and fear splashed across his face as Hen and the kid tried to talk to him. She took a deep breath and very responsibly waited til they were near Buck’s jeep before she said anything. She was aiming for light and jovial, but it came out a touch more bitter than she intended.
“So what just happened? Did your boyfriend break up with you?” she asked.
Buck stopped abruptly and dropped his hand from her back as if burned.
“Are you serious?” he said. “I really can’t do this right now.”
“I’m trying to ask you what’s going on!” Taylor said, exasperated.
“And you can’t do that like a normal person?” Buck countered. “Eddie’s leaving the 118. He says Chris is scared and he just can’t do it anymore.”
Buck looked so small and fragile in that moment and some small part of Taylor thought about holding him, comforting him. But the larger part of her felt relieved and not a little vindictive at the thought of Eddie being further removed from their lives. She sighed and tried to tread carefully.
“Well,” she started. “Maybe that’s for the best. For Christopher.”
Buck shook his head angrily.
“No, you don’t get it. He’s just making decisions because he’s afraid and I get it but…” Buck trailed off.
“He has to decide what’s best for his kid,” Taylor said. “Maybe it’s best for all of you… to get a little distance.”
“Why do you have to keep doing that? What do you have against Eddie?” Buck asked, getting worked up again.
“What do I have against Eddie? The man you’ve spent most of your nights and weekends with during the entirety of our relationship? The man you cook breakfast for while I eat frozen waffles? Whose son calls you dad? You have more of your clothes at Eddie’s house than you do at my apartment! You’re supposed to be dating me, not him, but you check his schedule before you can make plans with me.”
“It’s just…” Buck started before Taylor interrupted.
“No, I’m not done,” she said. “I feel like the ghost of Eddie Diaz is always standing between us and he’s not even dead. I’m back in high school and the nun’s saying ‘don’t dance so close, leave room for Jesus,’ but instead ‘it’s leave room for Eddie!’ There’s not enough space in this relationship for you and me and Eddie!” She stopped, realizing fully, perhaps for the first time what she said and what she meant.
“If he’s leaving the 118, maybe there’s a chance for us. You can make a clean break, it could be just you and me,” Taylor added softly.
Buck stared at her in shock for a moment before laughing bitterly.
“You really don’t get it,” he said. “You really don’t get it.”
Taylor took a tentative step forward and raised her arm to reach out to him, but Buck stepped back as if jolted.
“Please don’t touch me right now,” he said. “I’m calling you a ride.”
“I thought we were going home. We need to talk about this,” she said.
“I’m not taking you home,” he laughed another wild laugh. “You really don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me!” Taylor said, frustrated.
Buck looked up from his phone, still laughing that stupid laugh.
“Eddie’s leaving the 118. That doesn’t change what he means to me. He and Chris are the most important people in my life,” he said.
“That’s the problem!” Taylor said.
“Yeah, apparently it is,” Buck said. “I’ve been trying so hard to be the person you wanted me to be, to put myself into smaller and smaller boxes to please you. All because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, that’s what love is. But you don’t even like me, do you? You hate all the things that are important to me. You don’t want me, you want whatever idea of me you have left over from years ago.”
“That’s not…” Taylor started.
“Yes it is. I’m sorry Taylor but this isn’t working and it isn’t going to work. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before,” Buck said. “Your car should be here in a couple minutes. I’ll wait in the Jeep until it gets here and I’ll get you your things from my apartment as soon as I can.”
“Buck, you’re overreacting,” Taylor said. “We can work on this. I can do better.”
Buck shrugged.
“Maybe,” he said. “We would give it another go, do it all over again, but the root problem is still there. I’m not giving up Eddie. I don’t want to. He’s the most important person to me and I hope that never changes. That's not fair to you. I’m never going to be able to be that person for you.”
And with that, Evan Buckley hopped into his jeep and stared at his phone, while Taylor stood watching him in shock. He was still there when her lyft driver arrived and she watched through the window as she got further and further away and he never looked back up.
The first thing Buck did when he went home was box up all the sweaters and skin care products and pillow and other miscellanea that Taylor had accumulated in his apartment. He gave the single box to Veronica, who, perhaps unsurprisingly, had remained friends with Taylor after their nightmare double date years ago. He went back to his loft and took a deep breath, surveying the empty space. All that was left was Buck’s catalog furniture, and evidence of Chris and Eddie all across the apartment: Chris’ spare legos in the corner, his games underneath the tv, Eddie’s spring jacket hanging in the hall, his favorite beer in the fridge, his mismatched socks under the couch.
Buck laughed again, a deep joyful laugh. He felt lighter than he had in years. He pulled out his phone and tapped the first name in his favorite contacts.
“Buck!” Eddie sounded frantic, picking up on the first ring. “I’m sorry. I don’t know…”
“It’s ok, Eddie,” Buck cut in. “I’m coming over now, is that ok? Are you back home now?”
“I had to bring Chris home, but I was going to come to yours I just…” All the exhaustion and worry came through in Eddie’s voice and Buck just smiled.
“I’m on my way. We’ll talk when I get there, ok?” Buck said.
“Ok,” Eddie said with a deep breath. “Are you ok? Are we ok?”
“We’re ok, we always will be,” Buck said, more sure than he had ever been. “I’ll be there soon.”
“Ok, drive safe,” Eddie said softly.
“I will. Bye Eds. See you so soon.”
Pulling up outside Eddie’s house had always felt something like coming home, but Buck never let himself feel it fully til now. Home, home thrumming beneath his skin. Before he finished shifting into park, Eddie had opened the front door and was standing on the porch. Home, home. Buck bounded out of the jeep and up to meet him.
“Hi,” Buck said, with a sheepish grin.
“Hi?” Eddie responded, confused but smiling still.
Buck stepped closer and wrapped Eddie in a hug, burying his face in Eddie’s neck.
“I missed you,” he murmured into Eddie’s skin.
Eddie brought his hand up to run slowly down Buck’s back.
“I missed you too, but can you tell me what’s going on here?” Eddie asked.
Buck pulled back to look Eddie in the eyes, but his hand remained on Eddie’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing back and forth unconsciously.
“You’re leaving,” Buck said softly.
“I know,” Eddie closed his eyes briefly. “I just don’t…”
“I get it,” Buck cut in. “I’m sorry I bolted. I needed a minute and then Taylor… and well… I didn’t mean to leave but I’m here now. And I get it. I wish you talked to me about it, but I get it.”
“I’m sorry Buck, I didn’t know how to start.”
“I know. We can figure this out together,” Buck said.
“Yeah, we can,” Eddie said. “Wait, what happened with Taylor?”
“We broke up!” Buck said with a grin.
“Um, congrats?” Eddie asked.
“I just realized some things,” Buck said, looking down bashfully. “Did you know she always thought we were dating behind her back? And she never wanted to hang out with the fire fam. Maddie never liked her. And…” Buck stopped and looked right into Eddie’s eyes. “I told her no one was going to be more important to me than you and Chris. I didn’t get it before, but I do now.”
“You’re the most important to us too,” Eddie said roughly.
“So, we’re going to figure this out. Get you a safer job and take care of Chris and whatever you need. I’m here,” Buck said.
“I know you are,” Eddie said. “I don’t think I could do this without you.”
“You don’t have to,” Buck said.
“So Taylor thought we were dating?” Eddie asked with a smile.
“Yeah, isn’t that funny?” Buck said.
“What did you tell her?” Eddie asked, his voice turning serious.
“I really wanted to make things work with her, you know?” Buck started. “I’m not a cheater.”
“I know,” Eddie said softly. “You're a good man. And now you’re single.”
Buck looked up at him, eyes suddenly hopeful.
“Now I’m single,” Buck repeated.