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No sun filters through her curtains, and Noelle flutters her eyelids open. A new day, she thinks, and though all she wants to do is sink deeper into the covers, she gets up anyway. Even if the clock beeps at 6AM, hours before school starts, even when the night still has a grip on the sky.
Why do you deny your wants, Noelle?
For the greater good, Noelle thinks automatically. For everyone else, for her family– if they were satisfied and happy, it was okay for her not to be.
She ignores the fact that the question doesn't sound like something her mind made up. She ignores the fact that it feels different from her own thoughts.
Even if one of those choices meant waking up at the crack of dawn. Her mother has already left the house, and Noelle can imagine her, sitting calmly at the desk as she flips through her paperwork. Prim, poised, and proper. Her coat is always ironed perfectly straight, not a single crease to be found. Automatically doing tasks in an efficient way, quickly and properly.
Noelle does the same. It is a family tradition to follow lists to dictate one's day, after all.
She showers, not shivering once in the cold water, her body used to the chilling morning bath. She makes sandwiches—healthy tomato ones— and cuts them neatly, diagonally with a butter knife. She brings up her breakfast to her room, already dressed.
As she chews slowly on a sandwich, she turns on her Switch and scrolls through her list of games. Lately, even her only escape begins to feel like a chore. She can barely focus on her games, and the only source of joy left is playing Dragon Blazers. And Noelle cannot bring herself to play it without Dad, anyway.
Dad...
It feels like...Like she's only a vessel for success, and what she wanted rarely mattered in the end...So internally she is left like this, empty. No freedom, no choices, no goals.
Anything she truly wanted was held from her, she was not allowed to pursue her desires.
But you DO intend to pursue them, Noelle?
Noelle squeaks. The weird voice in her head is back again, and this time, Noelle is sure it isn't just her thoughts. What does it want, she thinks frantically. Is she going crazy? Will they take her away to the hospital where they'll search them up and down for the weird human disease that's causing her bout of craziness?
Tears start falling quick, streaking down her cheeks. Her breath hitches, and she hiccups wildly. Will she never see the townspeople again? Dad? Mom?
Calm, Noelle. Breathe.
Her mind flashes to an image of autumn leaves falling lazily onto the town river, a lazy breakfast at the Dreemurr household after a sleepover, falling asleep with Kris on a car ride home.
I will help you achieve your goals.
What- what did that mean? Who was this?
It means what it implies.
What does it want from her?
What did she....No! She felt- she couldn't just trust a random voice like this! She needed to call Father Alvin or-
You will trust me anyway. Calm.
No, no! Calm, she thinks. All she has to do, recite the verses. Begone, Demon , she whispers hurriedly, and let the Light banish you! Her tears start falling even faster. Begone, foul Darkness, for the Angel will bathe you in Light, and cleanse you! She mutters faster. The memorised verses come quickly to the forefront of her mind, and she recites them faster, hoping the voice will go away.
Her tears stop falling, and she can feel her body making efforts to steady her breathing.
Calm, Noelle. I am not here to harm you.
Then what was it here for!?
To help you achieve your goals. What do you want, Noelle? In this life, what do you want to do?
She was still terrified out of her mind, but more thoughts and broken pieces of words flashed before her eyes.
What did she want?
The Voice flashed more images.
You want to be more assertive.
She didn't want to give it to them. She didn't want to listen. She was afraid out of her goddamn mind.
But she could never say no.
She wanted to learn to say no.
She wanted to say whatever she wanted out loud.
She wanted to be weird without restriction.
She wanted to have friends she trusted.
She wanted to be cared for by those she loved.
She wanted to hold Kris' hand again.
She wanted her dad to heal again.
You can, if you accept my help.
Noelle thinks it's just another way of making her comply— not in her own mind, no.
No. I am here to help, to guide you. I will not do anything you do not want me to do.
Noelle's eyes glitter with more tears.
Finally, someone who cared.
-
“A-ah! The chalk is gone!” Miss Alphys exclaims, and ever the dutiful student, Noelle raises her hand.
Lower your hand, Noelle. You do not need to be so studious. It is one of your goals to be more firm, is it not?
Noelle catches the words before they leave her tongue, and stuffs her hand back into her pocket, lowering her head. Miss Alphys’ reptilian eyes linger at the spot where Noelle’s hand used to be, and for a moment, she thinks she might not be able to be firm after all.
To her surprise, her teacher shakes her head, before giving a quick smile, and pushing up the glasses threatening to slide down her snout.
“It’s o-okay, Noelle! You don’t have to fetch the chalk for me- I’ll- I’ll go and find it myself.” She shuffles to the doorway, fishing out a keyring with an absurd number of rattling keys hanging on it. As she watches Miss Alphys go, Noelle lets out the breath she was holding.
See how it feels, to be able to rest? To be able to let others do their tasks and not need to jump to their aid at every obstacle? Truly, this is the first step to regaining your will.
The voice states this calmly, and Noelle can imagine, faintly, the voice’s hands resting reassuringly on her own. Like a good friend, helping her out, or a kindly therapist. Noelle stifles the thought— the voice might not like her calling it a…therapist.
A therapist is not a bad thing, Noelle. Despite whatever you think of them. I would not be insulted; call me anything you like. My only goal is this: to help you achieve your goals.
Noelle gives a small smile. Then, she brushes a strand of hair behind her (human) ears, and pauses. Her smile drops quickly, and she bites her lip, ignoring the blood human fluids that seep out. She can taste the rusty tang, and immediately withdraws her tongue.
Noelle. You do not need to feel inferior due to your biology. Come, take a tissue, we can wipe your lip.
Noelle’s hands feel frozen, in the warm pocket of her skirt, and she stays rigid. Then, slowly, her hands slip out of their hiding-place, and she lets the voice guide her hands to her bag. They reach for a packet of tissue, and grasp at the crinkled plastic. Noelle shuts her eyes, and her hands pick a tissue out of the packet. The coarse, thin tissue grazes across her lip, and is quickly crumpled.
You can look now, Noelle.
She cracks an eyelid open, fearing the inevitable sight of light crimson smeared across the off white tissue—
There is none. Her fingers are clenched tightly around the ball of tissue, obscuring it. She thanks the voice silently, and it only hums slightly in response.
She slides the chair back, lifting it slightly so it doesn’t screech against the floor. The other students do not look up, having already assembled into their project groups, chattering amongst themselves. Some look bored, already scrolling on their phones, half-lidded eyes. Others have given up discussing the project in favour of gossip, hidden smirks and gestures, all while the rest giggle and titter in response.
Ignore them, Noelle. They do not deem you important now, to extend the same respect to them would only sap your energy. Focus on your tasks.
Noelle ducks her head down, hand still clenched around the tissue, and walks quickly to the trashcan next to the door. Ignoring the usual crowd that she would usually approach, with a sparkling grin and a peppy attitude, arms wide, saying, “I’m here to help! Ask me anything, okay?” The tissue is deposited quickly, and Noelle hurries back to her desk.
So…what now? There is nothing much to do while Miss Alphys is away, and while Noelle would usually take this time to walk around offering help, the voice has opened her eyes to the possibility of taking a break. Noelle then looks at her pencil-case, clean and organised, and thinks, maybe she should organise them yet agai-
No, Noelle. You do not need to fill your time with paltry things like organising your pencil-case. Those silly little things are the actions of a loner— which you do not need to be.
Then what did the voice mean by not being so flimsy and easily crumpled under others' will?
You just need to scale back on helping those who do not care for you other than your usefulness to them. What you truly want, Noelle, are friends. Those who stay with you for you. Which are not your classmates, at the present.
Noelle unclenches her hands, not realising they were ever clenched. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off her shoulders, Noelle can breathe easy now.
Do not worry, we can work on finding you friends, gradually. Right now, a partner is heading towards you. Berdly. Let us attend to him.
Berdly!? Noelle’s nails press into her palms once more. She could not refuse Berdly, not with her overwhelming niceness. He always pushed too far, and Noelle had always given in, unable to put up barriers against Berdly’s strong will. He always got his way, whether he knew it or not. Against Berdly’s staggering overconfidence and boastful remarks, Noelle could not say no. Her breaths come in ragged and erratic, and she can see the avian strutting quickly towards her desk with a smirk.
Noelle.
The voice calms her breaths until they are soft and regular. Her fingers unclench, nails leaving her palms. Her strained smile smooths into a soft and welcoming one.
I will help you navigate this situation, do not worry. Berdly will not overstep your boundaries now, and if anything goes awry, I will take over.
Noelle lets her worries wash away, safe with the knowledge that the voice is there to help. Berdly is coming closer, and he looks less scary now, his feathers ruffled and sticking out this-way and that. His smirk is plastic, and he looks worried, eye twitching rapidly— a tell of his anxiety. He stalks his way to her desk, and slams his feathered wings down on her desk.
“Noelle, my dear! Now that we have those- those ruffians in our group project, we might as well discuss the location of our meeting, right?” He squawks out, pupils dilated. Noelle almost squeaks, frightened, but the voice moulds her face into one of relative calm.
Berdly wishes to discuss the group project— he has also approached alone. He wishes to pretend that the others do not exist, to work on the project as if nothing has changed. It would only serve to further his ego if you let him continue talking without the rest of your group. We need to gently manoeuvre him to accept the new grouping, instead of pushing you into submission.
Noelle tries to form a sentence together, but her mind fails at this; she has not had to go against another for very long. The voice builds up the words for her, and she feels her mouth move.
“Berdly.” She hears herself say firmly, her voice still soft. His monologue on the inferiority of the other members is cut short, and his beak hangs open. He closes it, with a cough, and shifts into another position, wing resting on hip.
“Yes, dear Noelle?” He asks imperiously, eyebrow raised, and the smirk that could incite full-fledged rebellions spreads wide across his face.
He still thinks he is in control. Let us suggest another course of action, and move the conversation away from him.
“How about we wait for Kris and… Susie to arrive first? It would be inappropriate to discuss such matters with half of our group gone!” Noelle flashes a bright smile, eyes sparkling.
“But- uh- but they-!” Berdly splutters, incredulous. Never had Noelle interrupted his rants, and never had she gone against his decisions. This was utterly new to him.
“I’m going to call Susie and Kris over, okay?” Noelle’s cheeks are strained from the smiling already, but she does not mind. Years of practice, smiling with wide grins and crinkled eyes, in front of the mirror, improving her smile. She’s perfected the art, knows exactly the right amount to widen her grin, so that the dimple on her right cheek perfectly creases, and that her eyelashes flutter just enough to charm.
Like everyone else, Berdly is stunned speechless by her striking soft smile, that he forgets to squawk in protest when she heads over to Kris’ table to talk to them. He only moves so she can leave her seat, though she can feel his stare drilling into her back. Her black Mary Janes click against the hard cement flooring of the classroom, and Noelle’s feet walk daintily, perfectly , just as she had made them to.
Even if she wants to stop, years of yearning for perfection cannot be undone in one day.
But soon, if you wish for it. We could change it, or we could not.
The Voice whispers, and Noelle is reminded that it is here now, and unwittingly, her shoulders slack from its stiff position. Her vision clears, and her eyes focus, and she sees she has reached Kris’ desk. The goat monster (friend) has their usual impassive expression, and is resting their head on one furry paw.
“Kris!” Noelle greets, shifting so she faces Kris directly. They look up, lifting their head, and tilt it to the left. Their mess of brown hair shifts to the side, and a single, unblinking red eye is revealed. “Hello, Noelle.” They answer, mumbling. They seem reluctant to speak with her, but Noelle will not give up. She puts on her best grin, and says, “Well, Berdly and I want to discuss the group project with you, and Susie!”
Kris mumbles a soft “Go on,” their eye not looking at her. Noelle takes this as a sign of attention from Kris, so she continues. “So, why don’t we head over to my table, and we can talk about our meeting location?” She tones down the smile, and it slides into something warmer, more genuine than the dry, practised smiles she gives to the class. This is something Noelle can do, for Kris, and Kris only. She doesn’t need the Voice when it comes to Kris, not when they were friends since kindergarten, even though they grew apart when Dess-
Noelle clamps down on that thought and shoos it away.
Or, we could talk about it later. If you want it, it is okay to tell me, Noelle. We can work on this.
Noelle’s halfway down to biting the soft membrane of her lip when the Voice’s soothing words bring her back. She opens her eyes, and sees Kris, who is now looking down, curtain of thick bangs covering their eyes once more. Their paws are fiddling with each other, and they seem to be mumbling to themself. Suddenly, they reach out a paw to rest on her arm, and mumble a dispirited, “Yes.”
Noelle slowly pulls their paw off her arm, making sure the scraggly fur doesn’t somehow catch on her white blouse. She pats Kris’ paw, gestures towards her desk where Berdly waits, grumbling, and heads off to Susie.
The saurian monster isn’t too hard to locate, as she sulks in the seat farthest from the teacher’s desk. Her hulking size is diminished in effect, as she slumps over her seat, growling at any poor monster unlucky enough to be near her.
Luckily, Noelle isn’t any monster. She’s a human, the resident goody-girl, the mayor’s daughter, and-
The subject of much hatred— or anger, from Susie. You are everything she is not, and she hates you for being the ideal student. But she does not desire to be you. What she truly hates is the fact that she must gain acceptance by being like you. And she despises acceptance, or anything close to it.
Noelle hums, and slows down her walking speed as she heads towards Susie. The murmurs from her classmates grow louder, and she can hear whispers of shock. Noelle was kind, yes, she was helpful, yes, but she had never personally associated with Susie. No one ever did.
Noelle only kept her smile, and walked closer to Susie. The girl had taken notice of her already, and she could hear warning growls from her. Claws scraped against the wooden desk, a screeching, painful noise. Still, Noelle kept her head high.
Then, she reached Susie’s table fully, and struggling not to let her voice waver, said,
“Susie, we’re discussing the group project. With Berdly and Kris. Why don’t you come over to my desk?”
A pause. The classroom is still, and the only thing audible is the soft whirr of the fan, and far away, the honking sounds of cars along the roads. Her classmates are stock-still, stiff as a board, their expressions frozen. All waiting for Susie’s next action, watching her every movement like hawks. Noelle could faintly hear Susie’s heavy breathing, a soft snort every time she exhaled. Her thick, clawed fingers were twitching slowly even as she crossed her arms, and her foot tapped against the floor.
“Ok. But don’t make me do anything else.” Susie mutters, and she stands abruptly, the chair falling to the floor with a thud. Little gasps flutter around the classroom, and they do not stop when Noelle leads Susie to her desk, Kris and Berdly already waiting there.
“So! Guys, I- I know you don’t like each other very well, and…” Noelle trails off, looking at the three monsters standing in front of her. Susie is inspecting her claws, with a complicated expression on her face. Kris is, as usual, slumped over and quiet, and Berdly is making insulted hissing noises standing next to Kris. She claps her hands together, and says, “But we still need to work together, for this project. Can we do that? We don’t have to be overly nice, just civil.”
Good. Appealing to all the members of this group will make them more pliable to your wishes. By not directly ordering each one of them, instead addressing the whole group, you have already cemented that you are not taking sides. Susie cannot rebel against this, and Kris would rather not argue with their best friend. Berdly is kept in place simply by you taking the lead.
You are learning well, Noelle.
Noelle suppresses a smile in favour of tilting her head, questioning the group. They seem to be fumbling around, mulling over the thought. Noelle doesn’t give them much time to stay silent as she offers, “Why don’t we use the library’s computer lab for the project? If we need any information, we can scour the books or check the internet— and there’s no need to go to our own houses!”
Mumbles of agreement rise, and Noelle continues, “So, how does three in the afternoon work for all of you? It’s after school, so I’m assuming you do not have anything going on?”
They all chorus softly, “Yes.” Noelle takes this as a win.
The bell rings, and Miss Alphys darts into the classroom with a panicked expression.
“I-I’m so sorry class! Class is over! G-go to your next subject!” She stutters, and Noelle grabs her bag and leaves.
-
Noelle pushes open the glass double doors of the library open, and a woosh of cold air greets her. Noelle shuts her eyes, and stands in the doorway for a while, enjoying the frigid atmosphere. Then, a library volunteer shoos her from the doorway, and she stumbles away muttering apologies. She lingers a bit on the bookshelves of the teen section, worn comics with characters wearing…questionable clothing on the covers. Her fingers brush their thin spines, before she turns away to walk towards the computer lab.
Do you want to read them?
The Voice asks curiously, a tinge of something Noelle can't pick up on in their tone. Amusement?
Wait. Read what?
The comics. Manga.
Noelle blushes furiously, vehemently denying it. The Voice only hums something along the lines of, sure, but if you do– it doesn't matter what others think.
Of course it did, Noelle thinks sourly, her mother would have her hide if she caught Noelle reading manga. To think the perfect mayor's daughter wanted to read such books!
There is something else you want to read, upstairs. Not manga…something more…sensitive.
Noelle glances towards the stairs leading up to the second level, and quickly draws her eyes away from it. Never mind, she never needed to go up there anyway.
The Voice's musings are interrupted when Kris greets her hello.
The goat monster walks easily next to her, and without thinking, Noelle grabs their paw and holds it in hers. Kris looks at her with a look of surprise, but does not pull away. They only mutter, "Why don't we go inside before the others? We can set up the space first."
Noelle agrees, so they open the heavy doors to the lab, and-
A gaping maw opens, with a deep screech, and black light floods from the doorway.
"Maybe it's just dark, and we need to turn on the lights inside?" Noelle asks, with a nervous smile, and Kris mumbles in agreement. Still, they clasp their hands together, and walk into the darkness.
It swallows them whole, and Noelle is falling.