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Vanitas knows his own body. At least, he sure hopes he does.
He recognizes the signs of a fever. Heat flashes, clammy palms, sweat constantly dripping from his hairline, and a headache that feels like it’s tearing his brain apart.
But Vanitas also likes to show himself as a “shallow” man, someone who doesn’t care for others and only does what’s best for himself. But in reality, it’s the complete opposite. He absolutely hates when others care for him. He isn’t weak, he refuses to be weak. So he ignores the symptoms, since there are much bigger things to be dealt with.
It’s been a few days since his conversation with Noé on the hotel roof, and Vanitas is still wracking his brain as to why he allowed himself to show that level of vulnerability. He meant everything he said to the vampire, but what exactly gave him the push to come right out and say all that?
For now he’ll blame it on being overwhelmed by everything that happened with Mikhail and Teacher.
Plus, well, that is when he first started feeling under the weather...But he ignored it in favor of saving his dignity...Which is how he ended up here, with Noé hovering over him like a worried mother, in their shared room.
“Why didn’t you say anything? I mean seriously Vanitas, you can’t keep ignoring your body’s cries for help it’s not okay!” Noé sputtered as he frantically wet a cloth with cold water.
Vanitas felt his eye twitch, “Tch! I told you I’m alright so will you just calm down already?”
Noé gives him a look that says “really?” He tried to place the cool cloth over Vanitas’ forehead and is met with a slap to the hand.
“I said I’m fine!” the vampire doctor tries to sit up and push the weighted blanket off of him—only to have Noé suddenly push him back down on the bed.
Did he seriously just push me?
“And I told you, you need to stay in bed! What’s so hard to understand about that. You’re sick and need your rest Vanitas. That’s that, I will not be tolerating any arguments-“ Noé suddenly stops as he realizes-wait no that can’t be right-are those tears in Vanitas’ eyes?
Vanitas has had it, he’s sick and tired of, well, being sick and tired! And it’s then that something inside of him just snaps, a flood of emotions hitting him out of nowhere.
“I HATE THIS! I HATE IT SO MUCH! What am I supposed to do now?! Huh Noé? Since you seem to know everything, please kindly explain to me why we’re in this god-awful predicament?”
Noé can only stare in shock for the first five seconds after Vanitas outburst. He hadn’t seen him this upset since...well he’d rather not think about that day right now.
“I never said I knew everything, don’t put words in my mouth! I’m just trying to help you...” the vampire leads off quietly as he sees the fight dissipate from Vanitas’ figure.
Vanitas finally looks at Noé in the eye, and he can see he’s worried for him...It’s weird seeing someone actually care. So he gives in to the temptation that is wanting to spill out all the messy, icky, thoughts in his brain and simply states, “I’m tired, I always have been. And I’m scared Noé, I’m really scared.”
And Noé’s heart just breaks right then and there. The way he just said it so calm, like it was a simple fact and nothing else. At least that’s what Noé believed until he looked down and noticed Vanitas’ hands shaking under the blanket.
He really is scared, Noé thought with an ache in his chest. He wants to say something but also doesn’t know what he should say. So he just waits for Vanitas to continue.
It’s an awkward few seconds of just heavy breathing and the tension in the room is palpable.
But Vanitas finally breaks the silence with,
“I don’t want to die.”
It felt like somebody splashed cold water all over Noé.
Vanitas continued, “I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to harm others...I feel like I’m losing myself, and that’s why I asked you to kill me. That’s the right decision, I know it is. I really do but...even knowing that...I’m still...I’m terrified of dying Noé.”
At this point there were tears streaming down Vanitas’ flushed cheeks, his eyes getting puffier and more swollen by the second. His breathing was heavy and he looked like he was in pain.
The kin of the blue moon rubs his eyes with both hands (probably harder than he needed to but he doesn’t care) before looking at Noé again, a question in his eyes and on the tip of his tongue-
“Does that make me a bad person? Wanting to live despite knowing just being alive could put others in harms way, doesn’t that make me awful?” It’s a moment of true vulnerability, or in Vanitas’ eyes, weakness. But he can’t bring himself to care anymore. He just needs to hear it from Noé, one of the only vampires he’ll probably ever trust with his whole life.
“but he’s more than just a vampire to you” something in Vanitas’ mind whispers to him.
He decides to ignore that for right now and deal with it later.
Meanwhile said vampire is trying to figure out what the boy in front of him needs to hear right now...
Noé understands that Vanitas has been putting others before himself his entire life, since he was just a child labeled as “no. 69”.
A child telling Moreau he can experiment on him if it means Mikhail can have a break.
A child who has grown into an adult sooner than he should have.
That’s when Noé realizes that Vanitas needs to hear something very important. Something that he knows he has heard maybe once before, but in reality, should hear at least a few times a week, if not every day. Especially after this current breakdown.
Noé looks down at Vanitas with a soft smile and a shine to his eyes and simply states, “I think the fact that you’re even contemplating all of that and asking me for my input means you do care. You’re a kind person Vanitas.”
And Vanitas...well how is he supposed to respond to that? He just stares at the vampire in shock, trying to solve each word that came out of his mouth like a riddle. Vanitas can’t figure out what it is about that statement that strikes such a cord in him, why it leaves him so dumbfounded.
Oh.
And then it’s almost like the world formula shifts, it clicks like a gear into place, finally fixing the machine that is his head. Vanitas recalls a time when his eyes still shone with natural light instead of artificial, a time that he could admit might have been the most peaceful of his entire, sad, miserable life.
“You’re a kind child.”
And this time, the tears that fall from his bright blue eyes are ones of melancholy, maybe a little happiness, and warmth.
Vanitas wonders if Noé said it on purpose due to what the vampire gathered from Misha’s memories, but then he decides it doesn’t matter, because Noé never says anything he doesn’t mean.
It’s in that moment when the child of the blue moon decides it’s okay for him to show a little weakness, it’s okay to admit he’s scared and doesn’t know what he’s doing all the time, it doesn’t always mean he’ll be taken advantage of.
In his state of weakness, he pulls the blankets up towards his chin, turns away from Noé so he can bury his red face into his pillow, damp with sweat, and mumbles, “...can you sing to me?”
Noé almost doesn’t hear him, and when his brain finally catches up on the words that just fell from Vanitas’ dehydrated lips, he’s sure he heard wrong.
The vampire almost asks him to repeat the question, but he thinks Vanitas would either ignore him or act like he never said a thing. So the white haired boy takes advantage, not of Vanitas’ vulnerability, but of this opportune moment where he can finally do what he’s been wishing to do most.
To comfort the boy who brought such a positive change to his life. To finally help him, to repay all the times the doctor has saved him from death and despair and his own mind...
So Noé sings for him, some old nursery rhyme that Louis would sing for him and Domi on stormy nights when they couldn’t sleep. He watches as the tension leaves from Vanitas’ body, the frown turning into a neutral face, eyes fluttering shut.
His hands release the tight grip they have on the blanket and soon enough the raven haired boys breathing evens out...
...and Noé?
Noé thinks he would do this a thous—no a million times more if it meant he’d be able to see Vanitas in such a content state again...
So he spends the rest of the day by Vanitas’ side. Amelia pops in at some point to bring a fresh pitcher of water, but other than that they’re left alone—nothing but the sounds of the birds outside the window, Vanitas’ soft breathing, and the thumping of his own heart.
Noé believes he could get used to this.
Meanwhile, Vanitas dreams of another time and place, where cool fingers are carding through his hair and he can smell the familiar scent of disgusting stew and he can hear a child laughing with pure glee. Everything is warm and safe. He’s happy.
And when he wakes later that day to only realize it was just dream, and that no, he unfortunately can’t go back in time to that specific moment of temporary happiness, he feels himself start to frown. Everything after that may have been really painful, but at least he was loved for a while...
That’s when his cloud of nostalgic memories and doubt is interrupted by long fingers running through his sweaty hair. He can hear a voice too deep to possibly be Luna’s humming a sweet melody-
Oh...
That’s when Vanitas has another realization, one that brings a smile to his face (even if he’d never admit that to anyone else). The vampire specialist closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off to sleep again.
This opportunity for much needed rest is too good to pass up. Plus,
I don’t need to go back in time when I have him.