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I sucked off Luca Paguro
Giulia stared first at each word, then every letter in turn. It was plain enough a statement for there to be no room for ambiguity, except for there being no name claiming the bragging rights.
Her thoughts overtaken and obsessed, she almost forgot to change her tampon. To place it in the dented bin fixed to the metal wall, her moving hand visible in the corner of her sight as her eyes traced the letters again. The scratches were fresh with raised outlines of finely scraped beige paint.
Giulia registered the rushing sound of water swirling the bowl as she leaned back against the wall. In five slow blinks the toilet was quiet again.
She knew she needed to leave. But first—
A key gripped between her fingers did the job, scraping over the offending words with each pass, flakes of loosened paint flecking the back of her hand until the sentence was unreadable. A tangled mess obscuring the truth.
Is it true?
The click of the sliding metal latch, the squeak of a rusty tap. Chilled water ran over her hands to make her hiss in a sucked breath and flick her eyes up to meet their reflection in the desilvered mirror.
Narrowing her focus to her irises, Giulia studied the depth of brown so similar to her best friend's. A shade she'd seen nearly every day since they'd met. Four years to my one, Alberto had whined to her just before they'd left again for Genova.
It wasn't a new complaint.
Her mind flashed back to her fourteenth year, giddy over being the only one to know about her brother's crush on Luca. She'd divined the truth that first summer back, eventually cornering him with her accusation and taunting him until he'd become red-faced and sputtering, hiding behind his hands and begging please don't tell him.
She remembered crowing with triumph, a callous reaction contrasting her brother's shame and confusion with her selfish ease.
I was such a fucking brat about it, she thought, wondering if a day would come when she'd forgive herself. She wished she could be rid of the discomforting memory of her immature behaviour, tossing it away as easily as the crumpled, soggy paper towel in her hands, but regret was more persistent than that. She pushed open the door with a sigh.
Luca was leaning against the row of lockers opposite, finger tracing along the worn spine of the open paperback in his hands as he glanced up. "All set?"
Giulia shifted her book bag higher on her shoulder and nodded. "All set."
He pushed himself off the wall, keeping the book open as he strode forward and bumped playfully into her and they began down the hallway.
"Do you mind if I read while we walk?" he asked, holding up the novel. "There's a battle scene coming up and I want to be able to start with that when I pick it up again tomorrow."
"You need to read something new, Luca. You know this one just a little too well I think." She made her best attempt at casualness — a strained laugh forced out from a weak smile. "Isn't it boring when you already know everything that's going to happen?"
"Not really," he shrugged. "Knowing something great is coming is just as exciting as being surprised by it." Luca was quiet for a moment before glancing back down thoughtfully at his book. "And it makes it easier to get through the hard parts when you know it's all going to work out in the end. It's…comforting. Having certainty."
Giulia hummed thoughtfully, snaking her arm through Luca's to guide him as they walked along together and he buried himself back in his book.
Her thoughts fell back to the graffiti.
She snuck a glance over at Luca and her fingers unconsciously flexed around his arm just a little tighter, unwilling to let go of his innocence just yet.
It’s always only been a matter of time before he’d find a romantic prospect, and she knew it had always been likely that it would be someone at school with them. This was where he spent most of his year, with a regular rotation of classmates in his peripheral in the crowded hallways and at the edges of his textbooks.
Giulia had seen the giggles poorly concealed within huddled groups, and trailing eyes with shy smiles tucked behind locker doors. She’d endured suspicious looks in her direction, a scrawled note found folded on her chair – ugly girl . The note had been stuffed away like the pain in her chest, stinging eyes quickly blinked back behind a facade by the time Luca had laid his books open on the desk and turned her way with his smile.
She knew how it looked from the outside, the two of them attached in easy friendship and steadfast alliance. Giulia supposed it was possible that Luca might be the kind of boy she’d have liked if liking boys had been an option for her.
Shifting her bag up higher on her shoulder, she heard the soft rustle of a page being turned by Luca's free hand and flicked her eyes toward the sound.
If only I could read him. If only I could have certainty it will all work out in the end.
“Eyes up, Luca,” Giulia gently warned as they approached a worn concrete step leading down towards the grassy space ahead, a respite breaking up the sightline of endless buildings and cars and people of the city.
As they stepped down together in sync, linked arms holding their bodies close, she knew Alberto would be jealous of them even now. Touch is his language, and she knows it’s all he has as an outlet for the romantic feelings ricocheting around inside of him endlessly.
They had often compared notes that first summer when Alberto’s crush had still held novelty for her. The degree of warmth in Luca’s smiles, how often he had chosen to walk or sit next to Alberto, if he really had leaned in when Alberto had draped an arm around his shoulders, or dai, fratello, he just lost his balance, didn’t you notice him stumble?
It had been fun and conspiratorial, long talks full of giggles and gossip and teasing. But as Giulia had grown older the tone had shifted, coming to realize that since becoming her brother’s only confidant, and unknowingly trapping herself in this shared secret, she had become burdened a little more every year with increased anxiety and helplessness. Giulia had held onto the hope of one day witnessing behaviour clear enough to convince her that Luca likes boys, or more specifically and importantly, that Luca likes Alberto.
It had never happened.
So she had stopped looking.
And had begun working instead to persuade Alberto to give up the game too.
Luca had become an uneasy topic between them when Alberto refused to listen, apparently determined to continue to let lovesickness paint his world in soft watercolours of illusion.
Then he'd called unexpectedly last night, outside their usual schedule. Alberto's voice had exploded through the line, only calming when a string of expletives from Giulia overpowered him into submission. He had told her, while struggling to keep his voice steady through nervous exhilaration, that he had to talk to Luca.
He needed to tell him.
Tonight.
Right now.
But when Giulia, equal parts buzzing and horrified, had looked into the kitchen where Luca was studying, she’d found him asleep at the table, a jagged line dragged across his notebook from the point of the pencil held loose between limp fingers.
Alberto had paused in silence on the other end before sighing deeply, either in disappointment or else perhaps in longing fondness at the memory of Luca's sleeping face, and he told her to get him to bed; he'd call again tomorrow night. But in a sudden moment between their goodbyes, he'd begged her to hold the phone to Luca's ear. She really did try not to listen as the soft words came through the receiver— sogni d’oro, Luca. Ti amo tanto.
—
In and out, Giulia’s scattered thoughts wove through her mind like the chicory flower stems she’d picked from a crack of pavement between the fence lining the park’s perimeter before they’d settled on the grass. A crown was slowly forming in her hands and her fingers continued to feel out the pattern as she peeked up at Luca, reading beside her.
She'd never asked Luca about his love life, always wanting to respect his privacy in a way she'd learned to do since cornering Alberto years before. But now this graffiti…it had been written in the girl's bathroom and Giulia felt sadly justified. So she had been right never to push Alberto into confessing to Luca, had been right in trying to dissuade his interest, in telling him to move on already, it’s never going to happen if it hasn’t happened by now.
Could Luca really be seeing someone without her knowing? Without telling her? And then lying to her about it? Giulia’s heart tightened as she was suddenly faced with the understanding that their previously unshakable friendship could be cracking right in front of her.
She was drawn back by the sound of Luca’s book closing shut as he placed it on the grass between them. “You really should read this, Giulia. It’s brilliant.”
There wasn’t even a need to look up, she knew he’d hear the eye-roll in her dry tone. “Like you’d ever lend it to me! And I wouldn’t be able to handle you pining for it if I took more than a week to read it.”
“You’re right,” he laughed. “I don’t know what I’d do with all my extra time if I had to wait for you to finish 400 pages of something that isn’t biology related.”
An opening. Giulia’s pulse picked up, her flower crown stilling in her lap as she caught his eye. "Have you ever thought about dating?”
Bewildered panic crossed his face; she knew if he’d had the ability to sweat she’d be able to see the evidence of his racing heart across his brow.
“ Cazzo , Luca, calm down. You know I don’t mean me," Giulia pushed against his leg with her foot, leaving a dusty mark on his uniform slacks that he scrambled to scrub away. “Isn’t there anyone at school who’s caught your eye yet?”
His hand slowed on his pant leg before coming to a rest. “No.”
It seemed he wasn’t going to make this easy for her. Her fingertip ruffled across the petals of one flower, and she sighed deeply. “There’s a rumour going around at school about you, Luca. Someone graffitied it in the girl’s bathroom. I saw it just now before we left.”
“About me? What did it say?”
"It said 'I sucked off Luca Paguro'.” Giulia hesitated when she saw fear flash in his eyes and the rush of embarrassed shame redden his skin. “I— I scratched it out with my house key. No one can read it now but I don’t know how long it’s been there or who saw it already."
Luca lowered his face to his knees with a groan, skin tightening across the backs of his hands as he clenched his fingers around opposite elbows. Giulia placed her hand between his shoulder blades. He didn’t shrug her off but he didn't stir or look up either.
"Is it true?"
His head moved, nodding slowly between his arms.
Giulia had tried to prepare herself for both answers. To keep her breaths even, her fingers mindfully relaxed while inside her heart was breaking for her brother. This was what she'd always been worried about, why she'd always hoped he'd get over his crush on Luca before Luca developed a crush of his own on someone. Someone that wasn't Alberto.
Giulia wished desperately that last night had just been a passing fever and Alberto will have slept off his recklessness.
Because it wasn't too late.
Luca didn't have to ever know.
And maybe…maybe there was still time to spare Alberto. She could call him as soon as they get home, tell him herself to keep him from the first-hand horror of having to hear I have a girlfriend replay in his mind in Luca's voice, happy and excited in the rosy glow of his new romance with...with whomever this girl was that had bragged about their physical intimacy on a fucking bathroom wall.
Giulia grit her teeth and exhaled deeply to dissipate the wave of injustice as best she could, pushing down the urge to scream out her frustration. Her eyes slipped closed as her hand stilled, resting on the curve of Luca's spine while she sorted her thoughts.
Maybe it had always been a bit idealistic to have wanted her best friend to fall in love with her brother, but Giulia knew now, now that it really hadn't all worked out in the end, just how much she had still been living into that hope she thought she’d already let go of.
Well.
It wasn’t her right to dissuade Luca from this relationship without giving his girlfriend a chance, no matter how tightly the disappointment gripped her chest, squeezing so she had to breathe slowly and deliberately. Be his best friend, Giulia.
Luca shifted, raised his head a little to reveal distracted eyes distant with thoughts and images arranging behind them. His gaze tracked straight ahead as he voiced another layer of confession, muffled like a well-kept secret not quite ready for the world to hear. "I think I'm in love, Giulia."
Giulia dropped her hand from his back to touch his forearm instead, peering at him in unrestrained shock as her careful composure shattered and fell away. "You're in love with her?"
A wretched expression broke across Luca's face and he went back into hiding, a broken sound barely audible from behind his crossed arms.
"Che cavolo, Luca! What is going on?"
When he spoke his voice was burdened with emotion and Giulia could only just hear his answer.
"I'm sorry! I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Luca sighed, lifting eyes up to meet hers briefly before his guilt passed by her in an arc of eye movement. "I just...ugh, it's just- it's awkward . I don't think you want to hear this."
Giulia felt the downward pull at the corners of her mouth aligning with her sunken heart. "Luca, just ask me next time, and let me make the decision if I want to listen or not. Va bene?" She tucked her fingers under his chin, waiting patiently to meet his eyes. "What I really don't want is for you to feel like you're alone with whatever you're going through right now."
She saw the warning tremble before she felt it under her hand, the subtle shift of vulnerability pulling closer to the surface as his guard chipped away. Giulia shifted over to press against his side, her arm able to slide around his back far enough now to allow her to tuck her gentle hand into the crook of his elbow and squeeze.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
“ Yes. I’ve hated keeping all of this from you.”
Giulia’s heart clenched, regret catching her up as payment for her time spent in blissful ignorance while her friend suffered beside her.
“Well, tell me about her now, caro. Do I know her?”
Luca chewed on the corner of his mouth before answering with a meaningful look at Giulia. “You know how I’ve started peer tutoring this year?”
“Si, but- oh.”
Her memory replayed the way the girl had entered the apartment, fingers at her mouth sliding a tube of gloss across her lips as she stepped over the threshold. Giulia remembered the shine on her bottom lip second only to the conspiratorial wink the girl had smiled over her shoulder as she’d followed Luca down the hall.
“You’re dating someone you’re tutoring?” Giulia turned a frown on him with a tilt of her head, curls bouncing gently against her shoulder.
“ No . We- we’re not dating. She assumed we were going to though. After that , I mean. She asked to be my girlfriend , Giulia. And I just– I…”
“You don’t like her.”
The truth stretched between them, wordless over the distant city noise.
“Not enough. Ugh, I’m such a jerk ,” Luca groaned, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "She wasn’t exactly happy when I turned her down, but she said it was okay. She’d promised she wouldn't tell anyone what we did. I–I don’t really want people to know.”
It was difficult for Giulia to decide who to sympathize with. Her tone was quiet, careful and measured, when she spoke. “Why did you do it?”
He grimaced, looked away across the grass to a pedestrian crossing the street, their footsteps firm on the pavement. The breath he’d held pushed slowly out, his shoulders and head collapsing forwards. “Because she offered.”
“Oh, Luca…”
“I know, I know I shouldn’t have, Giulia. I got caught up in the moment and I'm not proud of it. I wish I could take it back."
“It's okay that I scratched out the graffiti then, right?"
“ Yes ,” Luca replied vehemently. “Definitely. And thank you. For doing that.”
She smiled weakly, squeezing his hand again while her eyes caught the shift of bright green tree canopy above them when a gust of wind blew in.
Wait.
“Luca?” She felt his answering hum where his cheek lay against her shoulder. “What about Alberto?”
Luca jerked his head up, leaning away to scrunitize her. “What about Alberto?”
Giulia was caught off guard, her eyes darting over him in surprise. Why is that the wrong thing to ask?
“You didn’t feel like you could talk to him either?”
“Oh.” His relief slipped out in a small breath between them. “I did talk to him about it...I wanted to get some advice from another guy. Sorry,” he added on guiltily.
Cazzo. “You did."
"Yeah, a couple of weeks ago. The day after."
"What did he say?"
“He uh, couldn’t relate. We...we're not exactly on the same page.”
The guarded answer seemed too carefully chosen not to raise her suspicion and Giulia wondered if he knew more than he was letting on. Had Alberto told Luca how he would never understand the appeal of getting a blowjob from a girl?
“Did he tell you why he couldn't relate?”
Luca squinted at her. “You...know?" Giulia winced and he gasped, shifting backwards to look her over, his eyes wide with dawning comprehension. “You know. How long have you known?"
“For... almost four years? But he didn’t tell me, I guessed! I- I cornered him about it. Literally cornered and accused him,” Giulia pressed on, past Luca’s shocked expression. “I still feel awful about it; I shouldn't have pushed him. I should have let him tell me himself when he was ready.”
Luca gaped at her, eyes glazing over as he retreated into this thoughts. Giulia waited anxiously as she watched the hesitation creep into his eyes, saw the way his fingers clenched and unclenched on his knees. Mouth closing, his bottom lip sucked between his teeth, then–
“How did you know?”
A dangerous question. She’d kept Alberto’s feelings for Luca a secret all this time and she was not about to offer it up now. “I just did.”
“But you didn’t—”
“Didn’t what?"
Luca closed his eyes, breathing slow and harsh through his nose before meeting her gaze again. “You didn’t guess about me.”
Giulia’s heart thumped in her ears. Of course she had. Alberto's obvious crush on Luca was what had tipped her off all that time ago, but now Luca knows too? Knows that his best friend’s companionship hasn’t been as simple as he’d thought it was all this time? The dampness under her arms deepened as waves of anxiety flooded her brain. “Y-you—”
“That I’m— that I’m like that too. Like Alberto. Sort of. Halfway, I guess?” Luca’s hands moved to push his hair off his face, a strained laugh breaking from his throat. “God, that sounds insane. ”
Giulia, feeling a little insane herself, disentangled the shaking fingers from his hair, attempting to slow his restless body and both their excited thoughts by holding their hands clasped tight. “No, Luca. Wait . Just– relax, caro– what do you mean by ‘halfway’?”
He stared down at their hands joined in his lap. “I mean that I like boys too. But…also girls.”
" Oh, ” she breathed, crushing his fingers in her sudden rush of excitement. “Oh, Luca, è fantastico!"
"It's 'great'? It's not 'great', Giulia, it's confusing , and disorienting, and— and I just—" he raised nervous eyes to hers as he pulled his aching fingers from her grip and flexed them. "I had no idea."
Her features softened as she consciously blurred the edges of her happiness to better match his uneasy state. “You fooled both of us," she teased gently, coaxing a small smile from him. "What had you figure it out?"
"Talking to Alberto."
“You mean because he told you about himself?”
“Well, kind of. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic when I told him about what happened, and he got really quiet and asked if I’d liked it, which I thought was weird because wouldn’t he? But then he explained that he wouldn’t like it if a girl did it.”
Luca looked down to where his empty fingers had now found a twig to break slowly into pieces while he spoke quietly under the intermittent cracking sounds. “And when he said that, I had this thought out of nowhere…a little voice in my head that said ‘what if I did it?’ ”
The last piece of twig dropped into the grass.
“I didn’t know. I tried so hard to fit in as a human when I came here, and the boys at school only talked about girls like that, so I just followed their example I guess. And I've spent most of my life in my natural form…I didn't really think about it when I looked at other guys and found their human bodies interesting, and uhhh, exciting?" he finished with a small embarrassed shrug before letting out a sigh and tilting his eyes up to the clouds.
"I’ve thought about it a lot since then. It never even occurred to me before that he could be more to me than a friend, and now it’s all I can think about. We'd be perfect for each other. I mean, we already are . Everyone’s always said how great we are together.” He sighed. “‘Best friends’.”
Giulia felt the understanding building inside her, a distant realization gaining speed from the back of her consciousness and crashing into the forefront. A smile burst across her face.
“Aspetta…you said that you’re in love!” Giulia cried, the back of her hand slapping against Luca’s chest, earning herself a yelp and a return slap on the shoulder. She impatiently batted his hand away and leaned in to grab his biceps, keeping her focus trained on Luca’s face. “ Does that mean..? ”
The set of Luca’s shoulders was tense but his eyes turned soft with the warmth that Alberto had argued for years he could see there, always convinced that something different was tucked behind them just for him. She could see it there now as he whispered, “I meant Alberto.”
It was all too much. Countless prismed bubbles expanded and burst endlessly in her chest, catching the light beaming inside her. “Non ci credo… are you going to tell him? ”
“I...kind of did? In the letter I sent him a few days ago.”
A few days ago. So the phone call from Alberto last night...he got Luca’s letter— “You told Alberto that you like him? That you’re in love with him?” Giulia couldn’t quite keep the end of her question from disappearing into an excited squeak.
But Luca winced and broke their eye contact, and her hands slowly fell from him, the burning spark of her hope doused by his expression.
“Not exactly in those words, no,” Luca continued, a warmth appearing again under the freckles of his cheeks. “I mean, after I told him that I like boys too he wrote back saying that he’d known it for himself when he’d met a certain boy four years ago…he said it just clicked for him right away. And from the way he talked about this guy it sounds like he still has feelings for him, even after all these years. Like he’s really something special.”
Luca paused to stretch his legs out in front of him, the grass threading between his fingers where he placed his palms on the ground to lean back and look up at the sky. “I...I want so badly for it to be me, but it could really be anyone in Portorosso, right? He didn’t only meet me four years ago. And how can I know who he hangs out with the rest of the year when I'm gone?”
Giulia dug her fingertips into the underside of her thighs, simmering with the need to laugh and shout it is you, Luca! It’s you, it’s you, it’s you. Lost in the pink daydream clouds of his thoughts and completely oblivious to the way Giulia was desperately biting down a smile, Luca carried on with his outpouring.
“Then he’d asked if there was anyone that I like, and because I’m jealous and— and recklessly stupid , I wrote back saying yes . I told him that I really like this guy who lives in Portorosso and that the summer is my favourite time of year because I get to spend it with him.”
That’s it, Giulia screamed inside as another wild thrill rushed through her, a roar drowning out Luca’s continued ramblings. Luca rarely hung out with anyone else in Portorosso, he spent nearly all of his spare time with Alberto when they were there. Even my dumb brother could figure that out.
“...and I said a bunch of other stuff like how he’s charming and fun and hardworking and the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I know I said something cliché about him having eyes the colour of sea kelp on a sunny day and something probably, most definitely weird about his freckles making him look like he's been sprinkled with nutmeg and oh god, why can't it be me that he likes ? And even if it’s not me right now, why couldn't I try to have a chance with him too?"
Luca groaned, sending his dejection into the wind as he collapsed backwards onto the grass with arms splayed, his eyes falling closed.
Santa pecorino. They really are perfect for each other, Giulia mused. They’re both ridiculous.
“But that would probably be too convenient,” he whispered. “I mean, it’s a little bit too hopelessly romantic, isn't it? To wish that your best friend might fall in love with you just because you fell in love with them?”
Giulia snorted, hiding it quickly behind a cleared throat when Luca turned to her with a quirked eyebrow.
"But again, why not?” Luca demanded of the grass in front of him, his face setting into a determined pout as he pushed back up into a cross-legged position. “We've always had a really intimate friendship; it might be possible that he could feel the same way about me, right? It’s always felt different with Beto, and maybe he’s thought that too, about me. I mean, I definitely noticed how good looking he is way before I realized that I want to...uh, do things to him."
"Eh basta, Luca! I don't need to hear about how you want to fuck my brother," Giulia whined melodramatically, shoving him over into the grass and breaking a stem from her crown to throw at him.
"I told you! I warned you that you wouldn't want to hear this," Luca grinned sheepishly at her, raising himself up onto his elbow to pick up the flower from where it lay beside him. Quiet fell around them as he slowly twisted the strong stem between his fingers, studying the gentle blue-violet shades of the blooms.
Giulia watched his shining smile softening down into the expression of love-struck longing she’d been searching for on his face for years.
So this is what it feels like. To witness the dawn of love beginning to dust the edges of life with rose-tinted, golden light; to be bright with laughter in the hard-won freedom of knowing it was all going to work out after all.
Except Luca hadn’t turned that page yet.
"It reminds you of him."
Luca looked up.
"The petals are the same colour as his scales, sì?" Giulia reached forward, picking up Luca's book where it lay in the grass, the cool blades brushing her fingers in passing. She thumbed through the book, stopping at the dog-eared corner he’d pressed down earlier, smoothed it back out with a pointed eye-roll in Luca’s direction.
“I think it’s time you get a proper bookmark.” Giulia reached out to take the bloom from Luca’s hand, noting with a smile the way his fingers twitched briefly, wanting to keep it for himself just a moment longer.
But the flower found its new home between the book pages softly worn from love, the stem held tight on one side by all the events that had already come to pass and on the other, all the ones promised . Giulia handed the book back to Luca, the open bloom left poking out the top.
“I’ll show you how to press it flat,” she explained when Luca opened his mouth to protest the impracticality of leaving fresh organic material smushed against the paper of his favourite book. “And we’ll make you a bookmark with it using waxed paper. Then you can carry it around with you wherever you go.”
It was sweet, really, the way Luca’s eyes dropped shyly to the book passed back into his waiting hands. Giulia moved her hand onto his knee, squeezed lightly to gain back his attention from faraway thoughts.
“Let’s head home.”
—
It was always a pattern for them, entering the apartment single file with Giulia having to practically step over Luca while he lingered and unpacked his bag right inside the door.
She slipped her fingers under the worn strap of her bag, sliding it to the floor with a quiet thump. Giulia took the paperback from his hands to place on the table, the flower between its pages catching her eye to tuck a smile into the corner of her mouth. Well, here we go-
“Alberto called for you last night.”
Luca jolted his head up, face flushed and eyes anxious, his hands frozen with a textbook pulled halfway out of his bag. “He did?”
“Sì, but you’d already fallen asleep over your homework like you always do and- don’t you roll your eyes at me, Luca, I wish you wouldn’t work yourself so hard, it’s not healthy,” she huffed, folding her arms across her chest. “He said he'd call again tonight.”
“Did he say anything about my letter? ”
“No, he just asked to talk to you. But,” Giulia paused, placing her hand on Luca’s to look him in the eye, “You could call him, you know. Instead of sitting around waiting?”
He stared at her, his hesitant eyes a mismatch for her clear ones, the crease between his brows as deep as the gentle curve of her lips. He nodded.
With hands on his shoulders, Giulia guided Luca towards the table in the hall. Her finger hooked quickly through the numbers on the rotary dial, and when they heard Alberto’s voice on the other end she pressed the smooth receiver into Luca’s hand with a smiling wink and a teasing whisper in his other ear. “Forza, Luca. It’s always been you.”