Archive of Our Own

“Oh my god!” Alexis exclaimed. “That was obviously an angry break up song,” she pauses. “The one obviously wrote it about the other because he was in love with him!” she shot a look in Twyla and Ted’s direction. “I told you I wasn’t imagining chemistry!”

This was in fact not the first outburst Alexis had had regarding something related to the show, which meant that before the words were even fully out of her mouth Ted had already paused the episode.

They had been down this road before - very often actually - The first season had been a minefield of reasons to stop the episodes to discuss something. Most had been timeline related, the confusion in regards to where things fell on the timeline had been a real thing they had spent many hours discussing.

Ted and Twyla were so seasoned with navigating these outbursts by this point that Twyla didn’t even miss a beat as she spoke up. ”To be fair I don’t think either of us said you were,” she pointed out gently. “I don’t think either one of us made any argument against it at all,” she finished, her smile just as gentle as her words.

They were weeks into watching The Witcher, mostly at Ted’s suggestion because he had read the books and wanted to see how they might translate to the screen - so far he hadn’t been disappointed. While Twyla and Alexis had started watching to humor Ted, they had both become invested in the show.

“Really?” Twyla asked. “Because I think he wrote it as a friend who was deeply hurt by being left behind,” Twyla pointed out as if that were the more obvious reason for the song. There was something like familiarity in her tone, like maybe she could relate.

“Twy.” Alexis raised an eyebrow as she looked at her girlfriend. “Do you really believe that?”

Twyla considered Alexis’s question for a long moment and then answered, “I do.” Thus their first trivial argument began.

“I love you, but you’re obviously wrong.” Despite the statement, Alexis’s tone was affectionate. “I’m totally right about this.” she motioned towards Ted to go ahead and unpause the show, ready to be proven right.

Days later and long after Ted thought all conversations about the song and the discussion about the apparent or not apparent romantic feelings had been laid to rest, it was made very clear that it was in fact still very much going on.

“It is an angry break up song!” Alexis argued as she and Twyla entered the kitchen, where Ted was finishing breakfast, mourning the lost peacefulness.

“I still think it’s just a song written by a very hurt friend,” Twyla responded, still not convinced.

Alexis made a scoffing noise and threw a look in Ted’s direction. “Ted, please tell Twyla that that song from that show with Henry Cavill is obviously a Tswift level break up tune.”

Ted for his part looked at the two of them and decided to feign ignorance for the sake of avoiding the actual question and replied instead, “Which show with Henry Cavill?” He was amused by the argument they were having —even if he didn’t actually want to get in the middle of it— but in that way you’re amused by a puppy who’s convinced that they’re much bigger than they really are.

“You know which one!” Alexis replied with a raised eyebrow, not even remotely convinced that Ted had no idea which show they were talking about.

“Ted,” Twyla began, “The Witcher. We’re talking about The Witcher.” Twyla laughed, so it can’t be that serious; though she also knew Ted had been faking dumb the whole time.

“Oh, that show!” Ted exclaimed with a barely concealed smirk. “I think I remember that one.”

For their part both Alexis and Twyla’s expressions were fond, with various stages of amused by his antics, but neither called him on it.

“Alexis still thinks that the song Jaskier is singing in the tavern in season two is absolutely an angry break up song,” Twyla explained in an attempt to bring Ted up to speed, although Alexis had just explained that already.

“Because it is!” Alexis argued. “I mean it’s obvious he was really hurt when his boyfriend left him.” She gave them both a look like she couldn’t believe she was the only one who had picked up on that.

“You really don’t think they could just be friends who really care about each other?” Twyla asked as she settled down in one of the kitchen chairs next to Ted.

“I mean, sure. But they aren’t,” Alexis replied as she flipped her hair over her shoulder, confident she was about to win the argument —trivial as it may be—. “Right Ted?”

A moment passed as Ted looked between Twyla and Alexis and then held up his hands. “I’m Switzerland,” he stated. “You’re going to need to find someone else to settle your argument, because I love both of you and refuse to take a side.”

With a harrumph and a “Fine!” tossed over her shoulder Alexis spun on her heels and left the room.

“You shouldn’t have convinced her to watch that show with us,” Twyla murmured as she pulled herself out of the chair and moved to follow Alexis out of the room.

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have,” Ted agreed and then added loud enough for both to hear “I love you both!” As Twyla retreated into the other room.

Weeks after Ted really was sure the conversation and argument had died and they had all moved on, he walked into their living room to find Alexis’ phone placed in the center of the coffee table and Ruth and Stevie seated on their couch, while Twyla was perched on the arm of the chair Alexis sat in.

“So?” Alexis looked from Stevie to Ruth. “It’s an angry break up song, right?”

“This is from The Witcher, right?” Ruth began and Ted found he was surprised that Ruth was familiar with the show. “While I never really thought about it before, now that it’s been pointed out, Alexis could be right.”

Stevie had a look of surprise on her face as she blurted out, “You’ve watched this show?” Getting a laugh from Ruth.

“Yes,” Ruth answered. “You’ve seen it also. Although, I think you slept through a few episodes.” There’s an underlying thread of fondness in her tone, like she knew Stevie watched because she loved her, not necessarily out of interest in the content.

“Oh.” Stevie offered an apologetic smile to her girlfriend. “I agree with Alexis. It’s total breakup material.”

At Stevie’s agreement Alexis brightened. “That’s two more votes for me” Her tone was clearly excited. “And, since nobody else in this room wants to weigh in,” Her gaze bore into Ted uncomfortably for half a beat, “I think that means I win!” she declared, pleased that finally others saw it her way on the very serious debate.

Twyla for her part simply laughed, gracefully accepting her defeat. “I think it does,” she agreed, leaning over to drop a quick kiss on Alexis’s cheek.

“Thank god,” Ted muttered as dropped down into the other armchair. He was relieved and glad that finally it was put to rest. “I love the both of you, but I’m not sure I could have endured that debate much longer.”

“It would have been done weeks ago if you had weighed in,” Alexis pointed out frankly. “But, and I quote ’I’m Switzerland’ was your choice.”

“And it still is,” Ted replied “Even if I did have an opinion —which I don’t— I could never take a side against either of you.”

“Then it’s probably good you won’t need to,” Twyla chimed in with a bright smile, still not at all bothered that she had lost.

“It is,” Ted agreed, returning Twyla’s smile with one of his own. With the debate laid to rest finally, Ted swore to himself he would never ask his girlfriends to watch anything with him again. Just, never. If not to keep the peace in their house, then for his own sanity.