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Shauna’s been weird lately, and Jackie can’t quite put her finger on exactly why or what’s causing it, but she knows this version of Shauna - the one that keeps things from her and it almost destroyed them.
They can’t do this, she won’t let them fall apart again when they’ve worked so hard to repair the pieces that they returned from the wilderness with.
“Shauna, we need to talk,” she says as she walks into Shauna’s attic bedroom, no real introduction other than that. Shauna glances up with wide, worried eyes, and sure, maybe Jackie could’ve phrased it a little nicer than the typical pre-breakup words, but they really do need to talk before Jackie drives herself insane. “I know you’re keeping shit from me. Again. And I can’t do this -”
Shauna reaches across the bed, hands over a thick piece of paper with more words on it than Jackie’s brain is currently able to register. She does however manage to take in words like ‘Congratulations’ and ‘you’ve been accepted’ and her brain is spinning when she hears Shauna say, “I got accepted into that writing program I applied to, Jac,” almost casually, like it’s not the biggest accomplishment of her young adult life. She says it like it’s maybe one of the worst things that’s ever happened to her and Jackie can’t figure out why.
She moves to sit on the corner of Shauna’s bed, just close enough to lay a hand on her leg and smiles, says, “Shipman, that’s fucking amazing. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shauna looks just lost when she finally answers, “Because it’s in London, Jac,” and Jackie feels her heart sink just a little, “And it’s a year long program,” and then Jackie suddenly understands why. “So.. I’m turning it down.”
Her body wasn’t prepared for any of that, and she gapes at Shauna, unsure how to process such pride for what she’s done and such utter devastation because Shauna clearly hasn’t even taken a second to be proud of herself.
But, there’s also that seventeen year old Jackie trying to rear its ugly head, clawing out from her chest, wanting to make Jackie say things like ‘Good, you can write all the same stuff here. With me.’ and ‘I’m not in London, how are we gonna survive that kind of distance in 2002?’ but she’s not that person anymore. Or, she tries not to be, especially when it comes to her relationship with Shauna.
“I didn’t think they’d take me after being behind and not going to Brown - I just kind of applied to see I guess. And I just expected a rejection letter, and that came in the mail the other day and I didn’t - I didn’t know how to tell you,” Shauna mumbles it, eyes roaming the papers around her crossed legs. “It doesn’t matter now though. I’m not going,” she looks back up, meets Jackie’s eyes and adds, “We wouldn’t - what would we…”
“You have to go,” Jackie says, quickly, like she might take it back if she doesn’t say it now. It pains her, the way Shauna freezes in disbelief. Jackie moves off the bed, leans back against Shauna’s dresser, crosses her arms like its defense against the way this is going to break her to tear them apart like this. This was never in the cards, this wasn’t what Jackie pictured for their future. They took forever to figure out their feelings for each other and the world is just going to snatch Shauna away like this? “I don’t want you to go,” she manages after a few minutes of silence, continues with, “I don’t - it’s - I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do if you go -”
Shauna’s up and across the room at that, arms out but Jackie holds her own hands out, shakes her head a few times. That kind of contact is just going to send her spinning and it’s taking everything she has to do this. She doesn’t want to guilt Shauna into staying (well, she does, but she won’t), doesn’t want her to miss this opportunity just because her girlfriend is in her room crying like some little kid that can’t handle herself. She needs to be an adult here, needs to be the adult here because it’s clear that Shauna won’t do what’s best for herself. She never really has.
It’s never really been Jackie to be the selfless one, and with the way this feels now she wonders how Shauna did this for so many years, all the sacrifices she made to allow them to move forward together. And now, Shauna needs to be given the permission to leave her behind. It’s the only way she’ll go. They both know this.
“I wanted to shred that letter,” she tells Jackie quietly, fiddling with her fingers that hang down by her waist. “I didn’t even want to tell you.”
That piece of information hurts in ways Jackie didn’t expect and she reaches out for Shauna’s wrist to grab her attention before she says, “I’m still your best friend, Shipman. Just because we’re… together… doesn’t mean you keep shit like that from me.”
Shauna’s eyes soften, and she pauses for a beat before stepping closer. “I just - Jac, I wanna be wherever you are,” she finally says, and Jackie closes her eyes at the words, swallows roughly against everything that wants to pour out. Shauna’s making this so much harder.
“It’s only a year,” she says it with conviction, like saying it out loud will help and her eyes open to look into brown ones. Shauna’s grip on her waist tightens as they look at each other. “It’s just a year, Shauna.”
“Do you really think we’ll make it a year?”
“Do you really think we won’t?” Jackie shoots back immediately, because if there’s no faith here then what kind of future do they even have? She thought Shauna learned to believe in them, she thought Shauna learned to finally believe in her, and yet, here they are.
“It’s not that,” Shauna begins, pulling Jackie closer until she can read every emotion swirling through the eyes across from her. “It’s - Jackie, it’s London. It’s a year we can barely talk, we won’t see each other. It took us so long to fucking find each other.”
“But we did,” she points out, inhaling sharply through her nose as she reaches up to brush hair behind Shauna’s ear. “We found each other again. After everything.”
“We won’t -”
“We can write letters,” Jackie cuts Shauna off because the protests are making her weak and all she really wants to do is cave. There’s no part of her that doesn’t want Shauna to stay. All she really wants to do is crawl back in Shauna’s bed and keep her forever, and there’s at least 75% of her that’s beating against the rational part of her brain to do just that. “It’ll be like those weird old poets you read. Love letters and shit.”
Shauna breathes out a sad laugh, rests her forehead against Jackie’s and closes her eyes. “Don’t do this,” she finally murmurs, hands clenching like letting Jackie go might break them both.
Jackie reaches out, grabs Shauna’s arms that are around her and squeezes, knows already that she has to do what comes next and wills away the tears that spring up. A minute passes until she sniffles and Shauna opens her eyes again, “You’re gonna go, Shipman.”
"Jac -”
Jackie’s heart clenches immediately, she wants them to be stronger than this. She wants to say with certainty that they will make it and a year is nothing and they survived the fucking Canadian wilderness together so they can survive anything. And their friendship can - but this relationship, that’s on shaky ground half the time anyway, might not make that. But she won’t hold Shauna back, won’t make it so they resent each other for the time they held on too long.
“You’re gonna go, okay?” Jackie squeezes her arms again, kisses her softly and holds her tears back so that this isn’t about anything she’s feeling right now. “You’re gonna go be the big bad professional writer that we both know you can be. And I’m -” she sighs, lets the tears creep up and a few escape as Shauna frowns. “I’m gonna let you go too, Shauna.”
“No, wait, what? No, no, no, Jackie, that isn’t -”
“Shauna, hey -”
“That isn’t what we’re doing here,” Shauna stumbles out, begging, and Jackie’s breath hitches at the pain radiating off of her. “I didn’t - no, no, that’s not what I want.”
“Shauna.”
“No,” she says with finality, a few tears rolling down red cheeks. She’s trying to be Shauna’s best friend first, trying to be who Shauna needed her to be when they were teenagers - who she very much wasn’t when Shauna was screaming all her shortcomings at her in that cabin. “I’ll be back. It’s a year. We can make it a year.”
“You can’t promise me that stuff. Look at how much a year has changed us,” Jackie nods between them, gesturing to their fledgling relationship, not even a full six months old. “You could find someone in London -”
“I won’t,” Shauna says, cutting her off. “There is no one else, you know that.”
Jackie reaches out, wipes at the tears on Shauna’s face with both hands, but doesn’t bother with her own. “I’m letting you go,” she repeats softly, feels the ice flowing through her veins, feels colder than the morning she woke in the snow. “I’m letting you go because I have to. And I will always be your best friend.”
“I don’t want just that -“
“I know you don’t,” Jackie concedes, holds Shauna’s face in her hands and stares at her for a minute before saying, “I love you, I love you, I love you, Shauna. Probably always have. And we - we’ve gotten each other through so much,” she smiles at Shauna through a few tears and clears her throat, “I wouldn’t even be here right now if it wasn’t for you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Shauna shakes her head, sniffles and lets go of Jackie’s waist to wipe at her own nose with the sleeve of her button up. “I know.”
“You need to do this. I won’t be what stops you, you deserve this more than anyone I know.”
“I can go, and we can keep this,” Shauna argues weakly.
“We can’t, babe,” she says it softly, grinds her teeth a few times, knows if Shauna understood what this was taking from her she’d let it be. It’s going against all of her instincts. She really does want to demand Shauna stay, that they work on their relationship and that she just knows Shauna will be as successful at any program she goes to.
But, Jackie’s known her all these years, actually does know Shauna better than she probably knows herself and knows some part of her can see beyond all of this darkness and is excited to see herself in London. She can even see Shauna walking the streets, pondering her stories as she passes Big Ben and the London Eye. It’s beyond anything they really could’ve dreamed for themselves and Shauna was always meant for something bigger than Wiskayok, New Jersey.
She was always meant for things bigger than Jackie.
Jackie lived through that night in the snow because of Shauna and Shauna will go and have the life she’s so rightfully earned because of Jackie.
“Jackie,” Shauna lets go, rubbing at her eyes, a lot like she used to do when they were little kids after skinned knees and scraped hands, and she hasn’t seen Shauna cry like this in years. “Please,” she finally whimpers out, and it breaks whatever Jackie thought she was holding onto for the last ten minutes. Her hands are on the back of Shauna’s neck, pulling her in until the kiss is a mix of salty tears and emotions they’ve never been good at expressing, at least not with words.
Somehow, finding a relationship made them better at expressing feelings even if they still don’t know how to actually talk to each other. They found other ways to communicate, and yeah, Jackie’s not entirely sure the way they’ve learned is actually healthy, but Shauna’s always been a little bit of a weakness, ever since she gave her last popsicle up in the July heat standing in her parent’s driveway, fireworks over their heads.
She knows the team thought she was selfish, knows Shauna thought it at one point too, but she’d give up her left arm if it meant she could make things okay for Shauna. She’s given up the last of her food in the wilderness, given up parties on nights Shauna needed to study, and now, she’s giving up Shauna - she’s going to give up her own happiness to make this okay for Shauna.
It’s not like she doesn’t know she’s breaking her own heart. It’s not like she doesn’t know that the pieces might not fit back together as they are now.
So, she kisses Shauna like it might actually be the last time, pours her heart and soul into pulling her closer, wishing this moment could actually make them inseparable in a real way and not just the way they’ve been since the minute they met. She wishes they could be permanent, even though she knows the mark that’ll be left on her will be.
She’s not sure if they’ll ever find each other again, if this blip they had was just the result of a cosmic crash the universe allowed for a moment in time; too brief to really flourish into what it could’ve been. Shauna groans when Jackie bites her lip and Jackie’s heart stutter steps over itself as she exhales through her nose, careful as she walks Shauna backward toward the edge of her twin bed they’ve shared countless times before.
“Jackie,” Shauna stops, pulling away just enough so their noses are still touching. Her eyes search quickly, “we don’t have to -”
Jackie supports her weight on the mattress, straddling Shauna’s hips easily, hair curtaining them both like she can shield them from the hurt they’re about to endure. Shauna’s eyes are still red rimmed, still pleading, but she can’t change the way this has to go for them.
“I want you,” Jackie says after a beat, “give you something to remember me by?” She tries to wiggle her eyebrows a little with none of its usual charm, tries to brighten her eyes and lighten the mood for them because it’s what they both need here even though she’s dying inside. Shauna sighs like she already knows the game, kisses Jackie gently and rolls her weight so that Jackie’s just laying next to her.
“I don’t want it like that, Jac, it’s not - that isn’t how -” she pauses, frustrated, and chews on her bottom lip. “And I don’t need something to remember you by.” That implies Shauna would be capable of forgetting anything about her, and if she feels half as much as Jackie knows she feels - most days its hard to remember anything beyond them.
Jackie physically hurts, feels the pain in her skin, feels it worse than waking up in the snow. It crawls up and down her spine and it’s hard to stay, but Shauna’s always been the one she’s stayed for. Shauna, who always felt like her dad abandoned her, like her mom was never around, has always needed Jackie to stay. Shauna at twelve years old begged her to never leave, and she’s not, she’d never be the one to leave, won’t break her promise. All she can really think to say is, “I love you,” and Shauna just closes her eyes again so Jackie can’t read them any longer. “I’ve loved you for so long, Shauna. This isn’t it for us,” she taps Shauna’s hip a few times until her eyes open again. They’re hard to look at, but Jackie does anyway. “I love you more than I know what to do with. I didn’t ever even think - I wasn’t sure - I didn’t think I could feel like this.”
“Then tell me to stay.”
Jackie swallows hard against it, looks at the wall over Shauna’s shoulder and manages, “It’s because I love you that I can’t, okay?”