Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Oh my god, just ask her out already!” Kate whisper-yelled to Deena while she opened her locker to grab her books. “You know that she likes girls. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“She could say no.”

“That won’t happen. Come on, you’re a total catch! I bet if the other girls who like girls in this school knew that you were a lesbian, you’d have a line of them outside your door.”

Deena groaned and leaned her back against the locker next to Kate’s. “But I don’t want the other girls. I want Sam.”

“Then ask her out.”

“She’s a cheerleader and I’m a band geek. You really think she’d go for me?”

Kate shut her locker and sighed. “Deena, you could be a part of the chess club and she’d still go for you.”

Deena shrugged, and Kate got an idea. “Actually, y’know what.” She said.

Deena furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Kate. “What?”

Kate smiled at her best friend and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, making her way down the hall. “I have an idea. Don’t worry about anything for now, just let cupid Kate and Simon do the job!”

Deena already regretted saying anything.

Ask me why my heart’s inside my throat

I’ve never been in love, I’ve been alone

Later in the day, Deena was just sitting at home doing homework. To say she was surprised when the doorbell rang would be an understatement. Neither her nor Josh ordered food, and Kate and Simon were both busy that night (or they just said that they were).

She made her way down the stairs and to the front door. When she opened it, she was faced with her two best friends and — Sam?!

Deena nearly slammed the door shut, but held back. “H-Hey, guys. What are-What are you doing here?” She asked, giving Kate a look that said ‘I’m gonna kill you’.

“Well, I thought we could hang out tonight! I asked Sam if she wanted to come along, if that’s okay.” Kate said, giving Deena a big smile.

Deena swallowed the lump in her throat and smiled back. “Of course.” She moved out of the doorway to let the three of them in.

Sam stopped and turned once she got inside. “We haven’t really met yet, but…” She held her hand out. “I’m Sam.”

Deena shook Sam’s hand. “I’m Dee—”

“Deena, I know.” Sam blurted out.

Deena’s eyes went a bit wide, and Sam’s cheeks flushed.

“Sorry, that was… That was weird. I just meant I’ve, um, seen you in the bleachers. At the games and stuff. I sit behind you in a couple classes, too… I wanted to say hi, but…” She sighed. “I guess I was just always too nervous.”

Deena was shocked. Not only did Samantha Fraser know who she was, but she wanted to be friends with her. Deena always thought Sam was this cool cheerleader that didn’t even know of her existence, but she was so far from the truth. Sam was nervousaround Deena, but Deena was set on changing that.

Deena laughed. “Yeah, I noticed you a lot before, too. I wanted to say hi, but I didn’t think you’d remember my name.”

Sam shook her head. “No way! I’ve been wanting to talk to you since you performed at the Shadyside Talent Show the first time.”

Deena thought back to that. Holy shit, that was at least five years ago. Sam had known who Deena was for that long?

Deena smiled at Sam. “Well, it only took us over five years.”

Sam laughed, and Deena was hypnotized.

Are you lonely?

Our fingers dancing when they meet

It was the day of the Winter Formal at Shadyside High School, and Deena was determined to ask Sam to be her date (or at least ask her to dance once she was there).

For the last few months, they had gotten much closer. They started off by talking about their favorite things like food and music and even their favorite animals. Soon enough, they were comfortable enough with each other that they could talk about anything. Sam told Deena about her divorced parents, and how her father was accepting of her sexuality but her mother was not. Deena told Sam about how her mother died and her father was an alcoholic who was barely ever home, either at work or at a bar. After they learned mostly everything about each other, they’d just talk about their days and joke and have fun. Deena felt so close to Sam. She felt so, almost impossibly, close to her.

After Kate told her that she would look ‘smoking’ in a suit, Deena decided that she would try to wear one. Of course, she knew she would get some dirty looks, but once she had it on, she couldn’t deny that she did, in fact, look ‘smoking’.

It was too late to ask Sam to be her date to the dance, but all four of them — Deena, Sam, Kate, and Simon — were going to the dance together anyways. Simon and Kate would probably steal the dancefloor with their awful dance moves (like they always seemed to do at dances), and Deena would usually sit to the side and watch her friends have fun. This time, however, she did not want to sit on the sidelines. She wanted to dance. She wanted to dance with Sam.

Deena picked up Simon and Kate and then headed to Sam’s home. She got out of the car, and approached the front door. She wondered what Sam was wearing. Whatever it was, Deena knew she looked beautiful (“She could be wearing a potato sack and she’d still look amazing” is something Deena actually said in the car before she arrived at Sam’s home). She rang the doorbell and waited. The person who opened the door was not Sam, but was in fact a nice looking middle-aged man with a camera in his other hand. He smiled when he saw Deena.

“You must be Deena, then.” He said kindly, holding out his hand for her to shake, and she took it.

She smiled back at him. “I am. You must be Sam’s father. I’ve heard great things.”

“Good thing, then.” He turned and yelled up the stairs, “Sam, come down!” He then looked back at Deena. “That’s a very nice suit, by the way. It looks great on you.”

“Thank you, Mr. Fraser. You’re too kind.”

“Well, my daughter talks about you a lot. I think she really li—”

“Dad!” Sam, who was halfway down the stairs, shouted.

Deena’s eyes made their way to Sam, and her smile faded. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a white dress with ruffles for sleeves and a flowy skirt that stopped right above her knees. Her hair was curled, and there were two small braids that came across both sides of her head and into a small and unnoticeable ponytail in the back.

“Wow.” Deena said.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Sam’s dad said, sounding emotional over how quickly his daughter was growing up. He snapped a picture of her walking down the stairs.

“Yeah. She is.” Deena said quietly.

“Let me get a picture of you two!”

Sam smiled and walked over to Deena. They stood side-by-side, shoulders touching. Deena thought she should wrap her arm around Sam’s waist, so she did. Sam was surprised, but didn’t protest against it.

“Say ‘cheese’!” Mr. Fraser said.

The two girls smiled, and Mr. Fraser snapped the photo. “Beautiful.” He said happily. “I’ll get this printed so I can get you a copy, Deena.”

“Thank you, Mr. Fraser.” Deena said. She hadn’t removed her arm from Sam’s waist, but Sam didn’t seem to mind at all.

Kate had moved to the backseat with Simon so that Sam could sit in the passenger seat, and Deena could see Kate wink at her through the window when she approached the car. Deena opened the passenger door for Sam, who jokingly curtsied  before getting in the car.

Deena got in on the driver’s side, and she made her way to the school.

Once they got there, they all rushed out of the car and to the double doors of the gym.

“You gonna cheer us on while we wow everyone with our dance moves, Deena?” Kate asked, turning around so she was walking backwards down the street.

Deena shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. There may be a change of plans.” She looked over at Sam, who was already looking at Deena with a small smile.

They entered the gym and gave the ticket holder their tickets. The gym was nearly unrecognizable. Everything that was there before was cleaned out, replaced with chairs against the walls and tables with drinks, food, and candy. There were colorful lights to replace the boring ones on the ceiling, there was loud music filling the entire room, and people were everywhere. Some were dancing, some were talking, some getting refreshments and/or food, and some were just sitting in chairs — looking miserable.

Monkey Gone to Heaven by the Pixies came on, and Simon and Kate made their way to the dance floor. Deena loved the Pixies, and she was about to say so before—

“God, I love the Pixies.” Sam said.

Deena looked over at her. “Me too,” she said. She held her hand out to Sam, who looked down at it. “Since we both like this song, maybe we should dance?”

Sam’s cheeks flushed and she nodded, taking Deenas hand. Deena led her to the dancefloor to dance, but the song ended shortly after they had started dancing. Sweet Jane by the Cowboy Junkies came on, and Deena’s heart sped up. A slow song.

But Deena ignored the racing of her heart. She put her hands on Sam’s waist, and Sam put her arms around Deena’s neck. They were so close that Deena swore she could smell Sam’s perfume — or whatever was making her smell like strawberries. Whatever it was, it was intoxicating.

They moved back and forth, and soon enough Sam had her head on Deena’s shoulder, and Deena’s arms were fully wrapped around Sam’s waist. They could both feel the eyes on them, and they knew there were more dirty looks than kind ones. Neither cared, though. They just kept moving back and forth, imagining that they were the only two people in the room — maybe even in the world.

The song did come to an end, though, and Sam slowly removed her head from Deena’s shoulder. She’d barely realized what she was doing, and she blushed, though the dimly lit colored lights didn’t make it too obvious.

Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash came on after that, but Deena and Sam were still standing the way they were for the slow dance — Deena’s hands on Sam’s waist, Sam’s arms around Deena’s neck.

“Hey, Sam.” Deena said, not too loud, but loud enough for Sam to hear over the music.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?” Deena asked, her eyes glancing down at Sam’s lips and back up into her eyes.

Now Sam’s heart was racing, and she was sure the rapid beating was audible to everyone in the room. “Yes.”

Deena didn’t waste another second, she leaned down (only slightly, Sam wasn’t much shorter than Deena) and kissed Sam. It wasn’t forceful or rushed, though, and it wasn’t heated at all. It was slow, and it was loud — who knew a kiss could speak a thousand words?

The kiss was louder than the disgusted looks of others, it muffled any whispers about them both being girls or about Deena wearing a suit. It was their first kiss, and there were many more to come.

I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine

After the dance, the two of them went on dates and kissed and acted like a couple for two weeks. Until Sam asked—

“Are we dating?”

Deena nearly fell off her bed from laughing. She thought it was obvious, but neither had mentioned it at all and they never had the conversation.

“Deena! I’m serious!” Sam said, though she was laughing too. She shoved Deena’s shoulder playfully, and Deena calmed down from her laughing fit.

“Okay, okay! I guess we never really…talked about it.” She shrugged. “Well.” Deena faced Sam and put her hand on the back of her neck. “Samantha Fraser, will you be my girlfriend?” She asked.

Sam rolled her eyes and closed the gap between the two, their lips colliding. When she pulled away, she looked Deena right in her eyes. “Yes, I will. I’ll be your girlfriend.”

If you’re lonely, come be lonely with me

Being in a lesbian relationship in the 90s was difficult (being a lesbian in general in the 90s was already difficult enough), yes, but Sam and Deena made it work. Through all the negative comments and slurs that people would shout at them, they made it work. They reminded each other that those people were small-minded and jealous that someone else was happier than they were. When Sam told her father about her and Deena, he was not shocked at all. Neither was Josh when Deena told him, and Kate and Simon were surely not surprised at all (but they both squealed and jumped up and down like a group of preteen girls after one of them got their first boyfriend).

Eventually, the comments and pointing and looks of disgust stopped at school, and eventually it stopped with strangers in Shadyside as well. Sam and Deena had managed before, but they loved finally being able to be themselves in front of whoever without knowing how people would act. They knew what people thought already, and of course there were still some comments and whispering, but it had gone way down.

To say they were the perfect relationship would be a longshot, since there isn't such a thing. They argued and had disagreements, and they asked for space a few times. But, they always came back together. They always found their way back to each other, and they somehow knew it would stay that way for a while.