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Regulus Black is death on two legs.
Every day has been the same since he left. Wake up, get dressed, greet parents, try not to cry while parents berate him, hide emotions, read, try to eat, more physical pain from parents that can never amount to the pain in his head, and missing Sirius before he goes to bed. He dreams of Sirius every night. God, he misses his brother.
He also hates his brother.
When it mattered most, when Regulus was in the most danger from their parents, Sirius ran. He left. Abandoned him.
Regulus had been in the room when it happened. All he saw was Sirius on the floor, writhing in pain and choking on screams of agony. Tears streaked his face as he looked for escape. Regulus tried to help, he really did. He begged his mother to stop, to let him go and give him a different punishment later. Anything else.
Next thing he knew, Sirius was being engulfed in green flames and disappeared into the fireplace. They all knew where he had gone. The Potter’s. His mother was furious.
She took it out on him.
From that day on, Regulus was completely and utterly alone. Trapped inside his own skin. Trapped in this house of ghosts and demons, his angel nowhere to be seen.
Going back to Hogwarts was a relief, he was finally free from his parents’ furious and disproving gaze’s. Sure, his friends are assholes and everyone in the other houses hates him, but he’s away from Grimauld.
The first time he saw Sirius that year was two weeks into the first term. He was radiant with happiness, his smile lighting up the whole room and his boisterous laughter filling the hallway with giddy joy. His breath had knocked out of his chest, and he felt a lump growing in his throat. He had missed this boy for weeks, been worried sick about his safety and health, and had been miserable in an abusive household for an entire summer with no relief, and here Sirius was. Laughing. Smiling. Not even a glance towards his broken and bruised younger brother.
Until they locked eyes.
Potter had noticed, and started to pull Sirius away. As if they weren’t brothers. Well, I guess they weren’t anymore. What with Sirius going around claiming to be a part of the Potter family, living with them now, and constantly saying how he felt him and the Potter boy were brothers, it seemed Regulus had been replaced.
It felt like a stab into his already bleeding back. Water filling his already failing lungs. The twist of an exceptionally sharp knife already buried in his chest down to the hilt. The scrape to his already worn knees.
But Sirius clearly had other emotions.
Mage had stormed towards him in a rage, and they’d had a shouting match. Sirius blabbing about how Regulus must be so happy to be the only heir now, how happy he must be to finally be the only child, how happy and proud he must be of his family.
Regulus had just stood, and when he was done, had said, “Are you done?” dryly.
Im hindsight, that was a bad idea. But Regulus was used to shutting his emotions down. Raised voices, no emotions. Arguments? No feelings. Pain? No emotions. Joy? Can’t ever show it.
He could shut down completely so easily now, it was like a switch being flipped in his brain. One moment he's nonchalant, normal. But once any upsets happen, he flips the switch and appears bored, void of any emotions, no anger, no sadness, no happiness. But he doesn’t need to turn off his joy, since he hasn’t felt it in months.
“Mister Black, are you paying attention?” Professor Slughorn asks.
He snaps out of his trance, “Yes, of course, professor.” He says, attempting to look like he had any idea what Slughorn had been talking about before.
He raised his eyebrows, “Yes? Well then, you wouldn’t mind answering the question?” He challenges.
”erm… what exactly was… the question?” Regulus asks, cringing.
“That’s what I thought. You’ll do well to pay attention from now on, Mister Black.”
“Of course, Professor.” He says, pretending to look serious and remorseful and hoping he’s not blushing.
“What’s the matter, Black? You finally got mad like your moron of a brother?” Severus, the greasy asshole who’s been bugging Regulus since his first year at Hogwarts asks with a sneer. Some scattered laughs are heard from his cronies and random other people in class. Regulus clenches and unclenches his fist.
“Shut your mouth, Severus.” He replies coldly.
“Aww, poor Reggy weggy gets weepy when you talk about his brother.” He says mockingly, laughing.
Regulus decides he doesn’t want to do this today, and without thinking, flicks his wand in a jinx. Severus is immediately shut up, literally. His mouth is fused shut, unable to utter a word aside from panicked attempts.
Professor Slughorn looks back at them at the sounds, and looks angrily at Regulus.
”Mister Black! Detention after classes today in my room! And 50 points from Slytherin! We do NOT jinx or hex classmates!” He says, flushing with anger. He rushes over to Snape and provides a counter curse, and unfortunately Snape is back to normal in no time.
After all his classes end for the day, Regulus trudges back to Slughorn’s room for detention. He really hopes he doesn’t have to clean out cauldrons.
He walks into the room, searching the room for his professor. His eyes land on a person in the corner of the room, on his knees scrubbing at a trophy. Sirius.
“S-Sirius?” He asks, stumbling.
Sirius’ head snaps up, and he sees Regulus at the front of the room. “Reg- er… Regulus?” He asks, wide eyed and shocked. “What are you doing here?”
“Got detention, what’s it look like.” He replies dryly.
“No shit, what’s you do? Thought you were a goody-two-shoes.” Sirius says.
“I’m just not a moron who gets caught breaking the rules every day.” Regulus replies icily.
“Oh, you think you’re so funny. You think you can hurt me with something like that, Sorry Reg, but you’re gonna have to try harder than that.” Sirius says.
“I’m not trying to make you feel anything, Sirius. If I was trying to hurt you, i’d try much harder than that.” He snaps.
”Oh yeah? Go for it.”
”No, I have more important things to deal with.”
“Like what? Detention? You don’t care about that. Come on Reg, I know you’ve been waiting for a chance to rip at me. Go ahead.” Sirius replies, trying to get him angry. It’s working.
“You want me to yell at you, Sirius? Okay, fine. Let me tell you why I hate you. I hate you because you’re a coward.” Regulus says, venom dripping from his voice.
“Me? I’m the coward? Oh, that’s rich. That’s hilarious, Reg. You’re the one who’s hiding behind Mum and Dad, too fucking afraid to do something. You just stand back and watch while they ruin lives, and kill, and torture. How could you stay with them?” Sirius rants.
“I had no choice! You left me there with no other choices, Sirius! Where was I supposed to go? They never let me out of their sight! And it’s not like you tried to take me with you.”
“Don’t blame me for your mistakes, Reg. You could’ve came with me, but you wanted to stay with them.” He accuses.
“How do you know that, Sirius? Have you ever asked me what I wanted? What I thought? No. You just left and decided to hate me.” Regulus rages.
“I don’t need to ask you! You should have said something! You should have left or stood up!”
“Well you stood up and look where that got you!” Regulus argues, voice raising to an almost shout.
“It got me out, Reg.” Sirius says quietly.
That makes him pause.
“I have had the worst summer of my life, not that you’d care in the least, and I needed you. But you left.”
“You never need me, you’re just like them. You never need anyone.”
“Have you ever thought that maybe I did need help? Did you ever think to ask?”
“I don’t need to. I can see it on your face, they’ve already got to you. I don’t even recognize you anymore, Reg.”
That rips a sob out of him.
“Well, I wonder fucking why. I’ve been stuck, rotting away in that god awful house, with no escape. They watch me eat, they watch me read, they watch me sleep. I’m constantly monitored. I’m constantly berated, beat for your actions. And trust me Sirius, i’ve been threatened enough to realize that if I was to ever succeed in running away, i’d never see the light of day ever again. So don’t sit here, and act like I’ve had such a great life since you’ve been gone! Don’t sit here and act like i’ve had it so easy! And don’t pretend like you ever cared to recognize me, Sirius!” He yells, chest heaving and tears gathering in his eyes. He tries to keep them at bay, swallowing the lump growing in his throat.
Sirius looks back at him, horrified. He looks ashamed and sad. good, Regulus thinks. Let him finally realize the consequences of his actions. Let him go through a pinch of the pain Regulus has been going through for months.
“Reg… I- I don’t even know what to say. I’m- I'm so sorry. I didn’t- shit- I didn’t realize that they’d give you a harder time. I thought… well I thought they’d treat you better since I wasn’t there to get you in trouble. I should’ve known you’d been in danger. I should’ve come back for you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…” He goes on and on, saying sorry over and over. He's started to cry, and Regulus doesn’t know what to do.
Part of him feels like he should be enjoying this. He should be enjoying watching his brother crumble under the weight of his guilt. But the other part of him, the majority, just wants them to be brothers again.
He hesitates, but ultimately he wraps his arms around his brother, “Sirius, I’m okay, its okay, i’m safe now, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry i’m such a shit brother. You deserve a good family like the Potter’s. I’m glad you and Potter are happy.” Regulus says, finally cracking as his tears flow freely without his permission.
“No, Reg listen to me. I swear to god, no matter what happens, you will always be my brother. You hear me? Always. I’m sorry. I- uh…” He sniffs, “I love you, Reg.” He says finally.
His breath gets caught in his throat. How long has it been since he’s heard those words directed towards him?
“I… I love you too, Sirius. I’m sorry.” He says, hugging him tighter, not wanting to leave his embrace in case he’s imagining all of this and when he leaves they’ll be enemies again.
“I promise, i’ll get you out of there. We’ll be together again, in a better place. Okay? No mom, no dad. Just us. And- uh- maybe the Potter’s?” He asks hopefully.
”Honestly, I don’t care where we go. Just as long as it’s away from Grimauld.” Regulus says, huffing out a laugh.
“Yeah… yeah we’re gonna find somewhere. I promise. We’re gonna be okay” Sirius says.
And, for the first time in months, Regulus believes it.