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mayoi has never been one for people.
when he gets forced into a group with three other people, into staying with them in a dorm, into performing on stage, with a crowd of god knows how many people - he's bound to break at some point. even if it happens later rather than sooner.
of course, the little voice in his brain keeps telling him how lovely it is to be around people, to be able to watch their every moves, find out their favourite things, their daily routines, all their secrets. that little voice isn't him, though. he doesn't really think that way. what kind of person wants to be that creepy?
it's not that the members of alkaloid weren't nice to him, either. hiiro has been ever so welcoming, although somewhat airheaded, and tatsumi has reassured him so many times, coming to tell him that he has prayed for mayoi's happiness. even aira may call him a weirdo, but he's got a nickname, just for him - mayo-san.
mayo-san, mayo-san, mayo-san.
he thinks about that a lot. don't nicknames show affection? why- how could someone show affection to a creature like him? it makes no sense. even when he blurts out such terrible things, they continue to treat him like a family member.
but with what happened with his real family....
he can't have high hopes for alkaloid. as much as he wants to, as much as he's tried, he can't let himself think that alkaloid will end differently. they're going to end up leaving. they're going to improve to such a high level - even little aira, who has been struggling with their activities - and he is going to be left in the dust. it's not like they need him, anyway. alkaloid would surely have more success as a trio, without the creepy man from the vents that is nowhere near anyone else's skill level.
he wants to stop thinking before it gets worse.
how long has he been thinking?
is he awake?
he has to be - there's something moving. he can't make it out, but something is moving back and forth in his line of vision, and he thinks he can hear a-
"mayoi-san? can you hear us?"
ah.
he was at practice, wasn't he? no wonder he started thinking of this. whenever he's around them, he can't help but believe he's a waste of space.
hiiro notices the slight awareness in mayoi's demeanour. he makes sure to focus on keeping his voice at an acceptable volume as to not startle mayoi too much, and - "ah! mayoi-senpai! are you alright? we were all quite confused whe-" mayoi can't see, but aira slaps his hand over hiiro's mouth, giving him a look before he continues the sentence. hiiro gets the hint and slumps slightly, looking back at the purple-haired boy in worry.
mayoi blinks. once, twice. his eyes dart forward as he attempts to grasp onto his surroundings, and he makes eye contact with tatsumi. he quickly darts his eyes away, trying to find something to distract himself with.
"mayoi-san."
mayoi visibly jumps at the use of his name, and panics. "a-ah! i'm sorry! so terribly sorry! i didn't mean to interrupt our practice with my meaningless thoughts! a creature like me should just crawl under a bed and rot awayyyy!"
the surprising thing is, nobody spoke. no "mayo-san, stop being a weirdo again!", no "mayoi-senpai, do not think that way!", no "mayoi-san, please stop, we all appreciate you", and no "repent, foul demon!"
it is quiet. usually he'd feel the urge to quickly fill the air with apologies for disrupting them and their work, for being such a filthy creature. but for some reason, not even a single thought like this came to mind.
he feels safe. and looking up to meet tatsumi's eyes again - he can see the sun reflecting on them, shining a brighter purple than he'd seen before. warm. safe. tatsumi was safe. he looks left to see hiiro, who quickly flashes him a wide smile upon realising. he looks right to see aira, who gives him a gentle wave with a smile so soft he thinks he will melt. they are safe. mayoi is safe.
he looks back at tatsumi one last time, taking in his peaceful smile. he doesn't understand why any of them are smiling, but he can't help but feel glad that they are. mayoi manages a weak smile back, and feels a squeeze on his hands - when did he take hold of his hands?
"you're doing great, mayoi-san. do you think you can focus on your breathing for me?"
that was when he realised just how tight his chest was, and any memory of the smiles beforehand were pushed to the back of his mind as he pulls back his hands to place over his mouth, clenching his eyes shut tightly. "a-ah,, my.." is all mayoi can bring himself to say.
"hnnn... mayo-san, it's alright, okay? i don't really know what you're thinking right now, but we're gonna be here until you feel better, so..." aira's voice resounds sweetly in his ears as he places a hand on his back, rubbing it gently and adjusting the way he is sat to be more comfortable. mayoi opens his eyes, glossy gaze fixed to the floor, but very obviously aware of his surroundings.
"umu, aira is wrong! we're not going to be here only until you feel better, we will walk along your side until death does us part!" hiiro forgets to suppress his volume as he eagerly mayoi, his hands in excited fists at his chest.
"hiro-kun, you make it sound like a marriage proposal..."
"hm? which part? please, allow me to work upon my mistakes!"
"hiro-kun, it's not that serious... but you said 'death do us part' - that's something people say when they get married!"
"ah! i see! thank you, aira! you continue to teach me new things every day! from now onwards, i will only repeat the previous phrase if the day comes that i get married!"
"hiro-kun, seriously!" aira laughs while speaking, hiiro soon joining in - though, he really doesn't understand what is so funny.
mayoi giggles slightly hearing their interaction, and tatsumi picks up on it, looking back at him. "our children sure do get along well, don't they, mayoi-san?"
"h-hiiieeee!! i'm not a mother yet tatsumi-san, you can't just say thing like thaaaat!" mayoi lets the sentence out as if it were a single word, his voice a raised whisper. it earns another giggle from tatsumi.
"fufu, i think they agree though, do they not?" tatsumi turns to hiiro and aira, who are now sat next to eachother on mayoi's right.
"yes! mayoi-senpai takes very good care of us! just this morning he made us all breakfast too. i could not ask for a better friend!"
aira sighs with a laugh, "if mayo-san was my mother, i really don't know what i'd do... i doubt it would be too bad, though. hiro-kun did say that he takes good care of us, after all."
"aah.. is it really okay for a creature like me to receive such compliments..? i feel as if i'm going to burn from the inside..."
"mayoi-san. look at me." the sudden change of sincerity causes mayoi to visibly jump, but he does as he is told. tatsumi places a hand on both shoulders, looking him dead in the eyes. "mayoi-san, you should not bring yourself down so much. you are not a creature - you are human, just like the rest of us. if we did not wish for you to be around, we would have left already."
it's as if mayoi's thoughts are being read - and tatsumi realises this as mayoi's eyes widen and threaten to tear up.
"it's alright, mayoi-san. we'll be here whenever you need." tatsumi's voice is so smooth and gentle, and always carries the words mayoi needs to hear. even when mayoi feels like he's being burned by his purity, tatsumi always brings safety with him.
he doesn't deserve tatsumi.
"mhm! mayo-san, airabu~! please rely on us a little more to help you, because we reeeally care about you, okay~" aira is always so sweet, despite his tsundere-like actions sometimes. he knows what it's like to be at the lowest of the low, and doesn't want mayoi to have to fall down there.
he doesn't deserve aira.
"indeed! it must be quite a large burden to carry these feelings of yours, so please allow us to share them, and lift some weight off of your shoulders!" hiiro is still so unknowing of the world, yet he still manages to say something worthy of comforting a friend.
he doesn't deserve hiiro.
if mayoi was aware of his next action, he would definitely have frozen in shock. however, he wasn't, and he simply stops listening to the thoughts, allowing himself to indulge in the comforts. he allows a wide grin to bloom on his face.
"fufufu... thank you... everyone.. ahh, this is most unusual for someone as insignificant as me... i am simply not as accustomed to comfort as you may be. i'm sorry."
"it's quite alright, mayoi-senpai! we are all very glad that you are okay!" hiiro bounces forward over aira to hug mayoi, startling the two.
"a-ah!? h-hiiro-san, i've just been indulged in such terrible thoughts - you'll surely get dirtied quickly!" mayoi attempts to pull backwards, but after feeling how strong the grip hiiro's hands have on eachother behind his back, he sighs and rests his head on hiiro's closest shoulder.
silently, aira crawls to mayoi's other side, and wraps his arms loosely around both of their necks. it takes a few seconds for him to say "...you're really a weirdo, mayo-san. just.. don't change, though, okay?"
mayoi reciprocates the hug, one arm around each torso, then looks up at tatsumi. his expression hasn't changed much - it's still the same gentle smile, but it seems... happier.
"you should allow yourself to indulge in our comfort more often, mayoi-san. you look a lot more relaxed, and i can't help but feel glad~ ♪" tatsumi places a hand on the top of his head, stroking his hair gently.
"y-yeees... i'll make sure to remember! ah, this is so very wonderful... i wish for this moment to never end~! basking in the comfort of my three fellow unitmates, allowing myself to be selfish.... fufu... fufufu~ ♪"
"fufu ♪ it appears our mayoi-san has returned to his usual self. i'm glad to see the sparkle in his eyes~"
tatsumi wasn't exactly right. something in him had changed, although only small. he had realised that sometimes, it is okay to be selfish. of course, he wouldn't apply this to every situation - only with alkaloid. he knows that alkaloid will always be there to give him comfort. they won't leave him behind like anyone else, and if he falls, they'd lift him back up with all their strength.
perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, staying with alkaloid. after all, they're like a family, aren't they?