Chapter Text
“Stay.”
“Please, stay.”
Dabi had lost count of how many times he’d heard that begging.
Too many times.
It’s not like he didn’t stay, he always did, he always, slowy, hesitantly, laid down in the bed next to him, on his side, facing him, while he stayed still, unseeing, staring into nothing without a trace of emotion in his face.
He’d never seen Hawks give him a glance, during those times.
Sometimes, Dabi had trouble staying.
Those were the times when he came home and there was no sound in the apartment, not a single movement.
Everything was still.
And Dabi always knew where to find him.
He had trouble staying because he’d never liked seeing him like that, unmoving, laying on that bed too big for him, staring at nothing for days and days, uncaring of the world that kept going forward without him.
Maybe that was one of the thoughts that kept him nailed to that bed.
He'd never liked the sentences he whispered while his emotionless voice cracked and his eyes, always so far, shined with the darkness of the room.
But he liked even less when—
“Fuck me.”
Dabi didn't dare move.
“Please.”
“I— I wanna feel something.”
“Anything.”
“Please.”
Silence.
“Hawks—”
“Dabi.”
Dabi sighed. “I don't wanna fuck a lifeless corpse, Hawks, it’s not gonna change any—”
“Shut up and just do it.”
“Why can't you just—”
“Please.”
God.
Dear God.
He could hear the way he forced himself to talk, spitting breaths between sounds that made his voice crack even more, and Dabi—
Dabi hated seeing him like that.
He hated it more than anything else in the world.
So he reached his shoulder and laid him on his back, slow, careful, as if he could break even more if he wasn't careful enough.
He didn't dare think about what could be worse than that.
“It’s not gonna change anything,” he tried again, while moving to be on top of him, placing the other’s legs on the sides of his waist, carefully leaning down and caressing his hair out of his face.
Hawks gave him a glance. “Yeah, I know, I just…”
He didn't finish the sentence.
Dabi sighed.
He leaned down more, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.
“Are you sure about this, love?”
Love.
God, he’d always been scared of calling him that.
Like stating an undeniable truth.
A scary truth.
Hawks looked at him, and only said:
“Kiss me.”
And Dabi did, because that was what he wanted, and Dabi had always wanted to give him more than he could.
More than he could.
More than—
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
Dabi stilled.
He could feel the other’s breath on his lips, soft, gentle breath.
It was barely there.
“I don't wanna force you.” Hawks whispered.
“You’re not forcing me—”
“You said you ‘don't wanna fuck a lifeless corpse’.”
“I’m doing this for you,” Dabi breathed in slowly. “I'm doing this for you, because you asked—”
“And because you don't know how to say no—”
“You don't even have the energy to talk, don't even try to start a fight—”
“You're the one already raising your voice—”
“Shut up. Shut up. God, just— just—” his hands trembled as he grabbed the edge of his shirt, pulling slightly.
“What do you want me to do?” Dabi asked, trying to mask the desperation in his voice. “What? Tell me and I’ll do it, just—”
Let me help you.
I wanna help you in any way I can.
Hawks stared.
“I don't think you can help me with this.”
That subtle, contrasting word was there, floating in the tense air of the room.
Leave.
“I’m not gonna leave, I'm not— you're the one always begging me to stay, I'm not leaving you alone.”
Not when I know exactly what you would do if I left.
Hawks didn't answer for a few moments.
“Then stay.”
“Please, stay.”
And so Dabi did.
He moved away from there and laid down again, gently moving the other so they were laying face to face.
Staring into each other's souls.
Dabi moved him closer, closer, Hawks didn't resist, and he let his arms wrap around Dabi’s waist, while his head rested on his chest.
He breathed in.
He breathed out.
Dabi smelled of rotten flesh and smoke, and Hawks had become so familiar with his smell that he didn't mind anymore.
“Have you eaten anything today?” Dabi asked after a bit.
“Mhm.”
“How am I supposed to take that?”
Hawks just moved closer.
Dabi sighed. “I’ll cook you something later, okay?”
“Mhm.”
“Okay,” and he kept gently caressing his hair, gently moving his fingers on his back.
Gently.
Oh so gently.
He was so scared of breaking him.
So scared.
“You’re cold,” Hawks whispered.
“I know.”
A beat.
“You’re dead.”
Dabi sighed.
“I know.”
“What does death feel like?”
“I don’t know,” Dabi didn’t know what to say.
He tried to elaborate a bit.
“It doesn’t feel like anything, I don’t remember the day I died, or even how it felt like, I don’t think this qualifies as death, you know? ‘Cause I’m… I’m alive, in a sense, I still feel and have basic needs, I guess they’re barely there, but still, I do feel those. I don’t know.”
“I wish I were like you.”
Dabi suppressed a snort. “You don’t. You don’t because this is literal hell for me, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Hawks moved a bit closer.
“A shame,” he only said.
“Mhm, a real shame.”
And they laid there without talking anymore for who knows how many hours, but at some point Hawks breathing had become more soft, more regular, and Dabi had held him close, relieved that he was able to rest for a few moments.
It always ended like that, like nothing had been resolved and everything had stayed the same.
Dabi just hoped that it helped him.
He just hoped that staying with him could feel a little relieving.
Even just a little.