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She has her face, but is not her.
Everything has gone wrong. She thought she would be safe. Thought for a flashing second when her eyes locked with those same green but older, more experienced. Something about them said “I’ll take care of you, I promise.”
But that was just her own faithless heart playing tricks.
She is smarter. They are so far behind.
The panic grips tighter than Erik’s fist on her arm. He’s good at hurting in a way that didn’t leave visible bruises. They are all going to die and nothing she can do will stop it.
Her voice is sharp, filled with poorly restrained frustration and when she dares a look there is hope in those green eyes that are hers–but not.
She wants to say she does not regret coming here, but the words don’t leave her mouth. She curls inward, alone as always.
***
“We’ll never beat them! It’s hopeless!”
“Beta.”
“Leave me alone! You don’t understand!”
“You’re right. I don’t understand. We have the same genes, the same mind, the same heart. So why can’t you find the strength to do what has to be done? Like Elisabet would?”
Like I’m doing.
The words are as sharp as the spear she carries, designed to hurt. But she expected them. She knows she’s not as brave or strong or hopeful as this mirror image of her who isn’t her at all. Who she can never, ever match in a thousand lifetimes.
“Don’t you think I’ve thought about that? I don’t know what piece of Elisabet I’m missing.” Her voice cracks but she doesn’t stop. “I don’t know what you have that I don’t. I’ve looked through all the data on your files. You were raised as an outcast. Shunned and isolated just like me. So what’s the difference ?” She slides to the ground. “What’s my defect?”
She is silent in response to the demand for answers. Beta hears the soft clicking whirl of a Focus but keeps her head buried in her knees.
“Beta, you don’t have a defect.” Suddenly she is there, kneeling next to her holding a necklace. “Beta…look.”
She looks. She has seen this man–Rost. He raised Aloy.
“It’s not a piece of Elisabet. The difference is…I had him. Rost.”
She shakes her head in denial. “He raised you, trained you, but he was never warm or loving. The day he died–the day he gave you that charm he was going to abandon you.”
“He wanted me to embrace the tribe. But then he gave his life for mine. He loved me in his own way. And that was enough.”
“What did it feel like?” It is not a question she should ask, but it slips out.
She doesn’t laugh or mock, she turns to look at the hologram of the stern-faced warrior staring down at them. “It was like … having a strength that was always there. That’s still there.” She touches her chest with a fist. “Even now I hear him in my head when things get bad.
“When it looks impossible. Look deeper. Then fight like you can win.”
She sits next to her and Beta shifts until her elbow is barely pressing on Aloy’s knee. They stare up at Rost, who nods at them both as if pleased, though his stern face doesn’t show any emotion and Beta feels a swell of longing for a life that will never happen. A word takes root in her mind.
“You don’t have to go on the mission,” Aloy says leaning her shoulder into Beta’s. “We’ll find another way.”
“I’ll go.” She makes the words clear and as firm as her screaming nerves will let her. “You said you’d try to protect me. I believe you. You have to promise me one thing.”
“Of course.” It is immediate and makes Beta’s heart beat faster.
“If if goes bad, if the Zeniths find us. I don’t want to be their slave again. Do you understand?” She can’t make herself say the words, but the look in those green eyes that are hers and yet not tells her she knows.
She looks away, but then nods. “Okay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” She puts a hand on her shoulder. The first and last promise she will ever break.
***
The word, unfurls and grows in her mind through all of this. She doesn't dare voice it yet. Doesn't know how she will react.
Sister.
It is in her heart as they ride for GEMINI.
It is in her mouth as the pain takes her.
It is there with the grief of loss and ashen taste of defeat.
It is the one thing she can cling to after.
When she hears her voice.
When she sees her face.
When she says “hang on, I’m coming for you.” Beta does.
When she says "then I think it can be done." Aloy knows.
Because her sister has promised.