Chapter Text
the rooftop had always been their freedom. pressing their fingers into the chain links grounded them to reality, even as their gaze swam and blurred with a slight sense of vertigo and distance… and what had brought them up here in the first place. the teardrops fell quietly onto the concrete.
people milled below on the sunset landscape of the school grounds. mizuki couldn’t hear the conversations from the rooftop, but they could see the leaned-in heads of people lost in conversation in front of the school gate, or the group of friends huddled in whispered laughter under the sakura trees. idly, they intertwined their fingers further into the wire, even if it burned their skin. sometimes, it helped with the cloudy feeling in their head and the murky water that corroded at the edges of their heart.
it happened on certain days, when Mizuki supposed they got tired of it all. the day in, day out facade. always seeking their next high of happiness, never truly reaching some real point of equilibrium and stability. the only thing that had remained stable over the years was their knowledge that nothing ever would be. forever wasn’t meant to last, not when they were involved.
they sighed. today wasn’t like them at all, was it? it wasn’t like they wanted to feel that way, but who ever said they could control anything in their life. in bitter amusement, they let their gaze drag across the school grounds again. at least, if they had nothing else, there was solitude. them on this rooftop, away from the rest of the world, no expectations, no desires. just existing in a seemingly liminal space—transitory. they didn’t have to be anything but a spectator. the world could pass them by while they stood in the cool wind, gripping that chain link fence.
a door creaked open behind them. they tensed, watching the silence shatter before their eyes. the world recalibrated, and they were aware of the iridescent fractals that fragmented the edges of their vision. they shook themselves out of their haze and hastily wiped at their eyes, ready to don that mask once again.
“mizuki?”
they faltered. that voice. anxiety made their heartbeat quicken as they hurriedly sniffed and adjusted their school uniform, swallowing the lump in their throat that had suddenly formed and turning around.
“why, if it isn’t a certain enanan shinonome!”
they checked over their voice as they spoke, giving it that teasing lilt that covered up the hoarse undertones. then again, it wasn’t that difficult to maintain as they saw that signature funny frown fall on her eyebrows.
“you can just call me ena! we’re not in the voice call, so no need to be all weird...”
“weird? isn’t that a little hypocritical, enanan~ you’re the one on kamiyama’s rooftop when night classes aren’t scheduled to start for at least another hour!”
“well, i…” ena had walked closer, clutching the strap of the schoolbag that hung on her shoulder. “i just thought i’d come up here ‘cuz i saw someone on the roof when i was coming through the school gates and— hey…”
ena’s little frown turned scrutinizing, her tone almost accusatory, and mizuki had the sudden urge to flee from the scene entirely. had they not played their part well enough? they put on a brighter smile.
“and somehow, you knew it was me from all the way down there, huh? you didn’t even look at who was up here before you were saying my name!”
“mizuki…”
“what would you have done if it were some random dude, huh? you know, some of the third year guys here are so burly and scary looking! i—“
“mizuki.”
they stopped as ena wordlessly handed them a tissue from her bag. startled, they stared down at it as if she had presented them with a toaster, uncomprehending.
“huh? what’s this for, enanan? do i have a stain from lunch or something?”
“are you serious?”
“what? then it’s something on my face? don’t worry, it’s just really windy up here! my nose gets all runny, it’s not a big deal~”
she didn’t respond. it took a few moments of silence before ena let out a sigh, picking up their hand and placing the tissue in it.
“your eyes are red,” was all she said.
they hadn’t realized how cold their fingers had gotten until she touched them, wrapping their fingers for them around the tissue. sudden warmth bloomed across their hand, traveling to their cheeks and strangely— their eyes. they realized tears had begun welling up again despite their hasty attempts to force them back down. no good, no good, they couldn’t breakdown here. they began to turn, looking for an escape.
“ah, sorry, maybe i’m allergic-“
“cut the crap, mizuki. you can’t fool me. allergies, are you kidding me?”
Despite her harsh tone, her hand was gentle as she gave their hand a squeeze, stopping them from their flight.
then, suddenly, the tears wouldn’t stop as they brought the tissue to their face, hiding behind their hands as a sob clawed it’s way up their throat. this was ridiculous, it was coming from nowhere, they were fine, but for all the thoughts they chastised themselves with, the tissue soon was soaked with hot tears that ran down their wrists.
the world spun in tune with the heartbeat roaring in their ears, leaving them dizzy and overwhelmed. warm arms encircled them, guiding them to a bench against the fence. soothing circles were rubbed on their back and somehow a new tissue had been placed into their hands.
“it’ll be okay,” ena said.
“ena—“ they choked out in terror past the lump rapidly growing in size in their throat. they wished she would leave, oh how desperately they wished she would leave, and how desperately they wished she would stay with them and her warmth and her concern and—
“just breathe.”
there was some wild thing in their chest hounding them to run, to stand up and run towards the door and down the staircase that would take them away from— from all of this— from someone who undoubtedly had expectations for them that they couldn’t meet, and then they’d lose all of this warmth and be left again with nothing, but—
the arms around them squeezed tighter, and they couldn’t bring themselves to do what they knew they had to. ah, how weak as always. was it such a surprise they couldn’t do any simple thing?
tears fell and fell until yet another tissue was soaked, but still, ena didn’t leave. it took another for their lungs to stop heaving as if drowning, and another to finally stop shaking. ena said little, only murmuring soft words they couldn’t catch and gently stroking their hair.
it felt good. they didn’t want to leave.
that terrified them the most.
eventually, though, there was nothing left for their eyes to give and they stared down at their shoes in tired resignation. no words would come to their lips, scared to break this moment to find out that it was all in their imagination, or that they could look up and see irritation and hate on ena’s face. why did they have to be such a crybaby? they’d gone so long without anyone seeing this pathetic side of them.
“are you feeling better?” ena asked, finally.
“ha ha…” their voice cracked in the middle. it sounded monotone to their ears, and they winced. try again. “sorry! i’m not really sure what’s wrong with me. pretty unlucky that you had to deal with this, huh?”
“no. i think i’m pretty lucky, actually. i got to be here for you instead of letting you skulk in misery all by yourself.”
“skulk? isn’t that a little harsh? and, anyway, i still didn’t mean for this to happen. i was thinking about this really sad movie we had to watch in history today and I guess it—“
“please stop lying, mizuki.” it was a beseeching plea. she laced the two of their hands together, urging them to look up at her. “i know there’s something else that’s bothering you all the time.”
a bitter note rested at the edge of their smile, and they tilted their head upwards, but they couldn’t meet her gaze. “you’re really trying hard to find some kind of deep dark mystery with me, huh… detective shinonome, what if there’s nothing for you to find? maybe i’m just normal and regular, after all.”
“i don’t care if you’re ‘normal and regular.’ everyone has problems. i’m not here to make you open up to me, but at least stop lying to me and saying all this stuff to try and cover it up! i just want to be here for you.”
they didn’t know what to say to that. how many others had said similar things in the past? and how was it that they still ended up all alone, in the end.
ena continued when they didn’t respond, her voice fiery and passionate as if her words were a simple truth of the world. “i don’t want to see you crying all by yourself. at least cry with me. i care about you and i’d rather be able to help than not know anything. you’re my precious friend, and i’m going to follow you anywhere you try to go whether you like it or not!”
mizuki couldn’t help the chuckle that suddenly rose from their chest, shaking their head bitterly. it would be so, so easy to lean into her impassioned words. they could feel the yearning tugging in their chest, a yearning that had existed for months now as they continued to interact with the stubborn artist. “well, you won. you get to see me ugly cry all over you.”
“i don’t think you’re ugly at all. and, anyway, nobody pretty cries. it’s a hoax set up by social media filters. trust me, i’d know.”
that brought a slightly more genuine huff of amusement from them, and then they could see Ena smiling from the very corner of their vision.
it made their heart flutter, but they knew quick enough to stamp it out and pretend it had never happened at all. they were akiyama mizuki, master of denial; a title well-earned for all that time spent honing their skills.
they stood from the bench with a swallow, their throat dry. they faced forward, staring across the rooftop to a sky painted light lavender with the sun having set.
“i’m fine now, by the way. you don’t have to sit here anymore! you’re free.”
“don’t say it like i was forced to be here. i want to be here with you, mizuki.”
their heart was pounding once again, but they only sniffed and started walking to where their backpack had been left slumped against the wall.
“well, you still have to go to your night classes, right? i don’t want to keep you!”
“ah…” they could hear the pout in her voice at the mention of school, and a feeling of giddy endearment burst in their chest before they silenced it again. “but are you sure you’re okay?”
“don’t worry about little ol’ me! i need to get home, anyway~”
“well… if you say so…” ena sounded troubled, and mizuki hated themselves a little more for being the cause of it. “just… call me if you need anything later. i’ll pick up even if i’m in class!”
“that sounds like you just wanna skip class~”
“aw, shuddup. you skip all the time.”
mizuki snickered, and then ena was walking away toward the door of the rooftop. she turned the knob and opened it before pausing.
“i’m serious, though, mizuki. i’m here for you, okay?”
she gave a little wave farewell and then the door swung shut with a squeak.
mizuki stared at the door for a moment, before turning their gaze back to the schoolyard past the chain fence. empty of most of its inhabitants now, only the silhouettes of people hurrying to their night classes remained. it was getting steadily darker, the lamps turning on, but somehow, they felt the gloominess that had suffused them before had lessened, only if to see the stars that were just beginning to glimmer.
a small whisper echoed, lost to the wind.
“thank you, ena.”