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“You can´t be serious”
Nezu smiled innocently at his employees, trying to look like an adorable little innocent animal, but no one believed him. Not at all. And no one could blame them, not after he had given Nemuri an entire week of paid leave, then announced that the week she was going to be absent was going to be their new health week. The absolute nightmare of any teacher that was not the R-rated hero. They all stared at the empty seat in the table hopefully, probably hoping the female would appear out of nowhere to save them from their teacherly duty. Yeah, fat chance.
“At least change when it is held” Snipe suggested, equally mortified by what the rat was asking them to do. “That will give Nemuri enough time to return from her urgent business.”
“It cannot be, I have already scheduled everything to fit with the classes” the principal continued, not giving them a way out. “You will have to do it now.”
Aizawa heard his co-workers curse under their breaths. Normally Nemuri took charge of this damn, embarrassing thing, but… well, like he said, she couldn´t be trusted this time. Anyway, the doomed week has arrived earlier. Yes, Sex-Ed week has arrived to UA once again. Earlier. The time of the year that the staff and students equally dreaded. And it had arrived earlier because, as only the underground hero and his husband knew, there was going to be a war soon. And wars meant chaos and chaos meant disorder, unruly behaviour and other things no teacher wanted to think about. Including ragging hormones freeing themselves in developing teenager soldiers that might or might not be exposed to more trauma than they could handle and do something… stupid. Which means that the teachers, even if they couldn´t watch them all the time to make sure they won´t, had to make sure that they at least know ways to minimize the consequences of those stupid behaviours. Which meant it was time for The Talk.
“It´s going to be such a hard week” Hizashi moaned as he prepared the materials for his next class. His spouse sent him a glare. What was he moaning about? His assigned class was a second year gen ed one, which meant that they have already had this and won´t need to have it as bad as the first year brats. Including Aizawa´s little demons. Which included…
“You are not the one that has to give the Talk to our son´s class”
“Oh, right” Yamada sighed. “Poor Hitoshi. He is not going to be able to get out from under his bed ever again.”
“Poor Hitoshi? Poor me” the raven said, glaring harder. “I´m not going to be able to look at any of those demon brats in the face ever again.”
“You have been a teacher for years, how is it that you never gave the Talk to any of your classes?” the blond dared to ask, even if he knew the answer. After all, he used that same method to avoid Sex Ed Week every time. “Let me guess, Nemuri.”
“Yes, Nemuri”
The only lifesaver of the Staff of UA, Nemuri Kayama. The only teacher that never feared to talk about sex, which meant that the teachers could simply dump their yearly dose of humiliation on her and she would cheerfully accept it. In fact, they did more than that. Hizashi and Shouta, in particular, had brought her to give Hitoshi the Talk when he reached the appropriate age. The boy got out of that talk ready to make an oath of celibacy, but it did the trick. Too bad that the attitude only lasted until he entered High School.
“Why the hell did she decided to schedule her business meeting right now?”
“My guess?” the other asked. “Nezu offered her a spa trip or a hotel stay, things she likes in exchange of leaving her friends to his mercy.”
“Do you think she would be willing to come back for her friends?”
“No”
They sighed, resigned to their torture. At the end of the hour, Aizawa was leaving for his classroom, wondering if there was some way to make time run faster or embarrassment disappear. Certainly, it won´t happen if he had to explain the appropriate way to put on a condom to the villain magnets that were his students. Maybe he could begin explaining the consequences of contraceptive pills to the… no, that would be more humiliating. He felt the migraine begin pounding on his temples. He should just outright ask them if their parents or teachers have talked to them about it before and what. They should be all big enough to know about… wait, were they all aware of the birds and the bees? Midoriya seemed to be almost too innocent and Todoroki… did Todoroki even know what a condom was? With how naturally he had talked about Dabi´s sex life in Aizawa´s home visit, surely not. And now he knew whose fault it was. Damn abusive flaming can of trash.
“Sit down everyone” he said as he opened the door, sensing that he had just opened the entrance to hell. “I know we were reviewing the quirkless ethics laws in class, but we have to make an interruption today because…”
“Don´t tell us it´s a quiz!!” Kaminari shouted, despairing. Obviously, he hadn´t been taking notes in the last few classes.
“It´s not a quiz” Aizawa calmed him down, causing some minor cheering to run through the classroom when they were told that. Hummm, let´s see how they cheered when they realised what is going on there. “It´s… health week for the school, so we have to talk about health.”
“Health week?” asked Kirishima without understanding.
“Health week. As in… Sex Ed week” the teacher clarified silently, waiting for his words to completely sink in.
The class fall into complete silence after hearing those words, his students completely speechless. Soon, red faces and completely mortificated ones started to appear as they realised that they were talking about the birds and the bees. Many had thought they were safe from this after graduating hero school and entering hero course. They were supposed to be heroes!! Train, work hard, giving their best… when were they supposed to get the time to sleep with someone? Besides, middle school had traumatized them enough about that. The only one who kept a cold face was Todoroki and perhaps it was because he hadn´t experienced the same mortification as his classmates.
“Se… sensei” Sero started, trying to get out of this someway. “are you… are you supposed to be talking about these things in front of us?” he looked at the others to ask for help. “I mean… some of us might have not talked about the… THAT with our parents yet.”
“Haven´t you?” Aizawa raised an eyebrow.
“Well, not me in particular, but… Midoriya is a baby”
“Oh, I… I have had the Talk” the greenette shattered his classmate´s defence, getting a bit red. He still remembered when his mom tried and failed the first few times to tell him about sex. Then Middle School came in, suggesting vasectomy so his faulty quirkless genes didn´t spread… and All Might actually talking to him about why protection was important for heroes. Much to both of them embarrassment. “I have been through Middle…”
“Then Todoroki…”
“If you are talking about sex, I know about it too” that caught the whole class attention, as they have been sure that the bicoloured haired teen wasn´t as knowledgeable as them in those matters. “My brother taught me when I came to spend the weekends with him and he forgot and entered with his hands under his boyfriend´s shirt…”
“Your brother is gay?!” Bakugo asked, surprised. “I thought he was straight, he talked about a girlfriend when we…”
“My other brother, the oldest” Shouto clarified. “He told me everything I know about sex, which is not much, as he was a virgin until recently and he only got the Talk just before he was about to start his sex life…”
“WHAT?”
“Hummm? Did I say something wrong?”
“Yes, because… aren´t your parents supposed to talk to you about these things?” asked Yaoyorozu, confused.
“The Flamming Trashcan wouldn´t be caught dead talking to us about sex and my mother is in a mental hospital since before Touya had his sexual awakening, so his co-workers had to explain him how things worked.”
“His… co-workers?” Aizawa asked, already getting a dreadful picture. Maybe he should make a home visit and talk to the eldest Todoroki about… thinking about it better, he should just sick Nemuri on the N°2 and his boyfriend after this hellish week ended.
“Yes. Apparently it happened when he and his boyfriend were kissing and he wanted to take it to the next level, so he asked where the condoms were and Touya asked what condoms were, earning a… face?” okay, this was turning a little bit unbelieving. “He didn´t explain that, but he said that after that, when his boyfriend said something, the freak in the hat and Mistyman rounded up the younger members of the L… of his work office and explained them everything about sex.”
“Wait, a bunch of adults didn´t know about the birds and the bees?” asked Ojiro, dumbfounded.
“No… just Touya and his boss… I don´t know why, but he seemed to be confused too” Todoroki stares straight at Tokoyami. “You should know how it was. Hawks was there, laughing like a hyena at the absurdity of everything… at least according to Touya” the dual coloured child frowned. “He was also there laughing when Touya explained conception and contraceptives to me a few months ago.”
“Hawks?” the goth questioned, not believing it. “What would Hawks be doing in your brother´s office or apartment?”
“He was the boyfriend, of course” Shouto continue. “And, in his defence, he actually prevented my brother from dying of humiliation and taught him himself how to use a condom and didn´t make him put one on a banana un public.”
Okay, that was too much information. And, between Oboro giving someone the sex talk… worse, to someone that gave the sex talk to one of his students… the mental image of the League of Villains going through their own version of Sex Ed week and Shigaraki manipulating a… no, he was not going there… Anyway, he didn´t trust anything that came from the mist filled mouth of the zombie that came from Ujiko´s tampering with his friend´s body, so he better gave his children a full review of reproduction and how a child could come from stupid, war-hastened decisions, ruining some hero hopeful´s lives. Before he even opened his mouth to begin with the awful class he heard someone standing up and dashing towards the door. Hitoshi had fled. Hummm, it took longer than he expected. Oh, well, someone else would catch him somewhere. Now, the sooner he began, the sooner he will end, so…
“Like many of you should know, boys and girls have different organs and experience different developmental changes once they… yes, Kaminari?”
“It´s too late to run after Hitoshi, sensei?”
“Each and every one of you have to listen to this, is important and something the ministry of education forces us to teach you every year so you don´t go around doing something stupid” the teacher said. “And, considering what happened with Mineta, you need the reinforcement. Specially on consent and sexual harassment in the industry.”
“When I catch that shitty grape…”
“Pay attention, Bakugo” Aizawa continued, hoping the same doom over every teacher in this damn school. Including Nemuri and Nezu… specially those two. “Like I was saying boys and girls have different develop… yes, Ashido?”
“If this is so important, why haven´t you gone to catch Shinsou when he fled?”
“One of the privileges of being two teachers´ child is that his parents can sick an actual teacher on him when those developmental changes start. And if you are asking, yes, he got his actual Talk from Midnight.”
Traumatized faces, good. They will learn to appreciate the efforts he put into teaching after this and might think twice before putting their hands on each other after this damn week. God, why didn´t time run faster? Or better, Nemuri better had something really important do now because, if not he was going to…
“Caught him trying to hide in the closet” Recovery Girl suddenly reappeared with a crying Hitoshi. “Already a runner? They haven´t yet listened to my own speech about pregnancy!!”
“Special circumstances” he explained, signalling the seat. “Come in, Toshi”
“Just kill me” the purple haired teen said as he walked to his chair, hoping that the floor opened and swallowed him whole. This was going to be the worst week of his life…
“Tell me that we don´t have to go through this the next year too”
Oh, and it went worse!! He had completely forgotten that this was a yearly kind of torture, which meant that he got to sit down and have his dad explain him and his friends why going further than holding hands was a bad idea. Just why was this happening? Was it like Bakugo told him in lunch? All the damn perverted grape´s fault? Or the teachers simply enjoy torturing them like that?
----------------------Later that day---------------------
“Are you sure that you don´t need this classes more than your little brother? Because from what I heard…” Dabi put on a face that even with the staples looked as if the villain was going to faint. “No offence, but Oboro thought until High School that babies were delivered by the Eastern Bunny.”
“Good thing that the one giving Touya the Talk was Compress and not Kurogiri, then.” Hawks got in the middle, trying to keep the laugher in. “By the way, Kurogiri doesn´t believe in the Eastern Bunny anymore. He thought that babies were created in a lab like Nomus. Or at least that was what he told Shigaraki.”
What a nightmare. He could actually feel compassion of a villain now. Only to imagine what Compress must have felt while teaching not so young villains how to put part A in part B. Specially Shigaraki… that apparently believed babies were created like Nomus. Oh, they were going to need Sex Ed classes in Tartarus if the League was going to reside there for the foreseeable future.
“As the product of some bad decision while still too young to have children, I must say that sex education is a great responsibility and very important” Hawks said.
“And a complete humiliation for… wait, you are the product of bad decisions while too young?” Dabi sounded surprised. “Since when? I thought my old man was barely a year older than yours? The old bastard became my father around a year before yours became yours. And he was already married, he searched for it since minute one… wasn´t he twenty-one then? The same that your father when he had you?”
“When I was conceived, my father had the maturity of a particularly immature fifteen years old” Keigo answered. “My mother was a bitch… something he seemed to be attracted to, because had always made questionable decisions regarding partners” he rolled his eyes. “The two of them panicked when they realised the pregnancy, which resulted in child abuse, a risky theft, child abandonment until the child in question was five and a five year stay in a stinky Tartarus cell being tortured…”
“That is… weirdly specific” Yamada commented, pouring the wine cups. Hopefully, a few cups of forgetting juice would help them with the previous humiliation. To erase them from their minds.
“You think? My father was as ready to raise a child as one of your students, his words, not mine” the hero commented, putting his arms around his boyfriend´s necks. “And it´s not the only opinion. That… vulture thinks that too.”
“By the vulture means Junto” Touya clarified, sending a look to his lover. “I think they have some sort of… family issues going on there.”
“You need to be family for that.”
“Didn´t your father mention something about having a better relationship with him now and that you should try to talk to…”
“Your sister would be very happy if you were to talk to your old man too, but I don´t see you doing that for a reason” the biting answer was really unexpected. Just what kind of past was there to unbury? “Besides, even if you haven´t noticed, you don´t have the monopoly over shitty family issues, you know.”
Woow, they seemed to have intruded in some sort of uncomfortable family issue… or perhaps more than one, if Hawks was comparing his uncle to Endeavour. And that troubled Aizawa a lot, because… the personnel in Tartarus had put the Takami brothers in the same cell as some sort of comfort. Not that the prison wanted to be comforting to it´s prisoners, but after spending so much time in the Commission´s pretty little hole in the wall, the Warden gave some concessions to the traumatized interns. If it was a good idea was… up to debate. Specially after hearing what he had just heard.
-------------------------A week after-------------------------
Shouta sighed. The week had been a long, humiliating one, but now that it had passed, he was back in top form. Which meant that he was drinking less and focusing more on work. Which meant, one, that he was doubling efforts to topple that All for One bastard and his lackey Daruma. And two… the incident of the Birdflock and it´s relation to the Takami family. He had to say that… the details were more than interesting. Hagetaka Keshu apparently had three female predator bird mutants in his band he had in his band, with a sparrow hawk quirk called Takami Isago. And if she was Junto´s and Shinyo´s mother, it seemed that she was more than his accomplice. The other females… too, because… it was a little bit strange that the gang had such a big population of small or medium sized predator bird quirked people, like Yoroi Musha had stated in his reports about the incident. In fact, he was beginning to think that a lot of the members were…
“Shouta, I know you are insomniac, but you need to sleep from time to time” Hizashi said as walked into the room. “Come on, I will give you melatonin and we can cuddle...”
“Yoroi Musha killed children in the Birdflock Incident.”
“WHAT?!” the blonde´s eyes went wide. “Shouta, you can´t just blurt that out suddenly!! Do you even have evidence of that? It´s a serious accusation against one of the top ten pro-heroes, and not even a normal one, but the one that has been in that ranking the longest time ever. Seriously, what would people say if they heard you saying that?”
“I´m telling you in confidence”
“Me and Nezu, because that rodent is everywhere” he crossed his arms. “And I don’t think he is going to leave something like that go that easily. Especially if it has something to do with quirk discrimination.”
“Or blatant disrespect to mutant lives” the underground hero rubbed his nape. “Dammit, I didn´t want more troubles now that we have the raid at the hospital and the war approaching…”
“Why are you investigating these if you didn´t want more troubles?”
“Because Dabi and Hawks told me that Shigaraki made the League and PLF make a video about all the ways the hero system has hurt them. He plans to air it in the middle of the war. They can´t refuse without blowing their covers and the video is too guarded to actually do something about it other than… prepare.”
“Which is the reason why Nezu is informed about it, no?” Present Mic sighed again, then extended a hand towards him. “Okay, hand over the paperwork.”
“What?”
“What I said, hand over the paperwork, I´m helping you with this damage control”
“Why?”
“Because even with Nezu and the combined, incredible intellect of the two of you” he took one of the piles. It seemed to be devoted entirely to his least favourite hero, Endeavour. “Really? Just how much people could this guy anger?”
“You met his sons, are you truly surprised?”
Hizashi only grunted in answer before returning to read it. And, really, it was a wonder that Enji Todoroki had lasted so much as a hero with the things he saw there. They had the lovely Commission to thank for that. They had made recruitment for Re-Destro and other villain associations a piece of cake.
“This guy is a dearie, no?”
“And it didn´t cover that he never gave his children the Talk” Aizawa said. “Or several other instances of emotional abuse that he surely committed.”
“I´m dying to punch that idiot on the face”
“Only if you allow me to give the first punch”
“That without saying, kitten”