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A Mountain You Scale (Without Thinking Of Size) by dandrogynous
Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
26 Apr 2015
Tags
Summary
There are probably words for this, if Dan were to go looking for them.
(genderfluid!dan)
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Bookmark Notes:
this.
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Bookmark Notes:
“Hi,” he says after a moment, locking his phone and looking up at her. His eyes are blue and green and gold and so, so beautiful behind his glasses. “You read my mind, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
The fuzzy warmth in Dan's stomach fizzles out immediately and is replaced with cold emptiness. Her mind is racing, thinking up worst case scenarios at a dizzying pace. Phil hates you Phil thinks you're a freak Phil thinks you're a liar Phil's going to leave –
“Would you ever want to think about surgery?”
Dan's jerked back to reality by Phil's voice and she peers at him for a few seconds, struggling to make sense of the words. Then she frowns.
“What, like?” she says, trailing off. Phil nods.
“Yeah, like, transitioning. Permanently.”
Unease coils in Dan's stomach and panic crawls up her throat. She pauses the music and pulls out her earbud, then sits up, wrapping her arms around her knees. She's not good enough, she's a freak, Phil doesn't want her –
“Shit,” Phil mutters. He scrambles to get out from under the duvet and tentatively puts a hand between Dan's shoulderblades. She flinches a little and Phil's breath catches.
“Why did that upset you?” he asks, endlessly gentle as he rubs the tips of his fingers against Dan's back. Dan closes her eyes and makes herself breathe slow and steady.
“Why isn't this okay?” she whispers when she thinks she can open her mouth without bursting into tears.
“Why isn't what okay?” Phil asks, and he sounds so genuinely bewildered that Dan has to look at him, has to see if he's taking the piss.
One glance at his wide eyes, the alarmed tilt of his mouth, lets Dan know that he's not. Oh, god.
“Me. Like, how I am,” Dan says, flapping her hand uselessly at herself. Phil's eyebrows furrow together.
“Nothing's wrong with it, you've just been a girl for ages, I didn't know if you had changed or if you wanted to? And I know transitioning is expensive, I've been doing research, but we're not exactly poor, we could do it if you want to.”
“I don't want to,” Dan says vehemently. Phil blinks. “I'm fluid, Phil, I change all the time and surgery and hormones wouldn't help with that!”
“Okay,” Phil agrees. “Okay, I'm sorry, you're right, I just thought –”
“It's okay,” Dan interrupts. The panic and fear that had risen up inside her are already receding, fading away, and she knows Phil didn't mean to upset her. He was trying. He's always trying.
Dan leans in and kisses Phil softly.
“I'm sorry,” he says, sheepish and earnest. “I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to bring it up. So you'd know it was okay.”
“I know,” Dan tells him, kissing him again. They smile at each other for a few seconds, then kiss again and again, over and over until nothing exists but them.