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Edward Elric was twelve years old. He was also the youngest State Alchemist in all of Amestris. This, of course, made him even more annoying than the average twelve year old.
He and Alphonse had finally returned to East City from their latest quest to find a way to get their bodies back. Colonel Bastard aka Roy Mustang insisted that they come in to give their report.
East City was in a bit of a disarray at the moment, from what Edward had heard. Not the City as much as East City's military. They had joint training with the Northern soldiers right now.
Though, another thing that Edward found out after giving his report to Mustang was that a certain Solf J. Kimblee was in East City, tasked by overseeing the training organisation going smoothly. It was more of an administrative position than anything. However, it definitely soured Edward's day, the idea that he had to see that clown and talk to him and be nice about it. Ugh. Fucker always gave him the creeps and then acted so high and mighty all of the time. But not anymore. Edward was now an experienced Major. He grinned and strode through East City HQ, trying to locate the office where Kimblee was going through their papers with one of the most trusted East City officers.
A telephone operator pointed Edward in the right direction and, finally, when he opened the door to an office he found Kimblee. Who was asleep in a chair. Yet it kept getting better. There was another chair with another sleeping soldier, who barely kept her head up.
However.
Edward couldn't believe his luck.
Riza Hawkeye's hair happened to be down. And touching Kimblee's due to proximity. Both of them looked asleep in this dimmed office, the curtains drawn closed and papers stacked in multiple towers.
''Oh fuck. Ohhhh this is gonna be sooo good.'' Edward Elric approached them slowly, like a prowling panther stalking its prey. They couldn't figure out he was there, because the moment they woke up it'd be over for him. And this sort of opportunity presented itself to him now and never again. That was how rare it was.
Edward rubbed his hands together and giggled. Then he stifled his giggle as best as he could. He stood behind them now and wriggled his fingers joyfully. When he gingerly picked up some of Kimblee's hair and saw no reaction he definitely knew it was safe to proceed. That one was the lighter sleeper.
Unbeknownst to Edward Elric, master prankster and deft hair-braider, Kimblee and Riza Hawkeye were very much awake, had noticed someone manoeuvring their hair, looked at one another, noticed who it was, and decided to see how this would play out. Because if they 'woke up', that would mean going back to work. And they wanted their reprieve to continue a little bit.
Edward was giggling as he kept braiding their hairs together quickly, though he kept trying to desperately stifle those laughs. A part of him was ever so pleased with himself that these two targets of his were such deep sleepers. Otherwise anyone else would have definitely woken up. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe Edward Elric, master extraordinaire at stealth, was really that good?
His work of art was complete. A whole braid from Kimblee's and Riza's hair.
Edward giggled and leaned forward one last time to make sure it was braided nicely, so it wouldn't fall apart on its own easily. He screamed, however, when two blue eyes popped open and a hand shot out to grab the front of his shirt. ''Kimblee, you're awake! Ah, lemme go!''
''Hello, hello, Edward Elric. Long-time no see.''
''And if it went on for longer I wouldn't mind! Ugh.'' Edward unsuccessfully tried prying Kimblee's hold off of him, but then he staggered backwards when Kimblee abruptly let go of him.
Riza Hawkeye tried leaning away from Kimblee and found that she didn't have much space to do that. ''Edward, unbraid us.''
If someone came to their office and spotted them like this it would spell disaster.
Edward crossed his arms. ''Not until you admit this was such a good prank.''
''I don't know how good of a prank this is when we saw it coming a mile away.'' Kimblee muttered under his breath. Riza nodded.
Edward narrowed his eyes and pointed accusatorily. ''Wait, do you mean you were awake the entire time?''
''Your giggling woke us up.'' Riza said, unapologetically.
''I was awake even before that, but I really wanted to see what he was up to.''
''Stop – it's not a prank if you're in on it!''
''Wow, great job, Edward. This was such a good practical joke let me just clap –''
''DON'T CLAP, OI!''
''Ugh.'' Edward stomped out of the room. ''This wasn't fun.''
Kimblee, who was pressed against Riza's head, very quietly asked: ''This is now concerning. How do we unbraid each other?''
Riza, a fairly new member of the Long Hair club, looked towards a man who's had long hair all his life: ''You don't know how?''
''I am very inept with these things. As you can see the most complex hairstyle I do is when I put all of my hair up in a bun. Otherwise I just make a neat ponytail and call it a day.''
Riza tried pulling on it harder. She, unlike Kimblee, wasn't as attached to her hair as he was.
Kimblee fretted: ''Wait. Don't do this. You'll pull out my hair. Let's just go find him and he'll undo this or else you can ground him or something. What do you do to a child like that anyway?''
''Cut him off field duty. So, yes, grounding him.''
''He doesn't look twelve. He's so short he looks like a ten year old.''
They did not manage to find Edward Elric. The bane to their existence. This child menace to society. No, instead they found Roy Mustang. Who was laughing louder than any twelve year old could. He, unlike Riza or Kimblee, knew how to braid and unbraid hair like a professional. How did he know this? His sisters made him braid their hair growing up.
Once freed, Riza could stretch her neck.
Kimblee kept looking at his hair to see if there were any split ends from this brutal treatment.
''The kid's kind of funny.'' Riza said at last.
''He's twelve, so I suppose this was peak humour for him.''
Edward didn't want to waste any more time at East City, so he held papers for his next mission and glared up at any adult that stood in his way.
''Be very, very afraid.'' Kimblee said. ''Or else I might become your superior officer and you won't be able to get away with anything.''
''The day you become my superior officer is yesterday so that means it's never going to happen.''
Kimblee was struggling to communicate with the twelve year old. He really was. ''That doesn't make any sense.''
''Your face doesn't make any sense yet you exist.''
Kimblee looked towards Riza Hawkeye for emotional support. She shrugged. That was the extent of that help. ''Behave.''
''Or what?''
''What do you mean or what?''
''Yeah, or what, Major? We're the same rank. You can't tell me what to do.''
Anguish. Kimblee was hit with a bullet of utter, terrible realisation that he was the same rank as a twelve year old.
''I'm a veteran.''
''So?''
Kimblee wanted to punt a twelve year old. He was learning that about himself. It was usually enlightening to learn something new about oneself, yet this didn't make Kimblee happy at all. ''Weren't you afraid of me at one point?''
''We're on the same side now. So, duh, you can't hurt me.''
''Aha?''
''Yeah.''
''I can, though. I can hurt you and just make it look like an accident.''
''Lieutenant Hawkeye-''
''Are you, are you tattling-''
''-Major Kimblee's threatening me.''
''Don't threaten children.''
''Should I report this to someone? This is a wor-workspace hostility.''
''Someone who doesn't even know how to properly pronounce military terminology should have no rights to report me to anyone.''
''I'm outta here! I gotta go do some State Alchemist shit with Al and I don't wanna spend a single moment with you here. You're all boring. And terrible. Except you Lieutenant Hawkeye, you're cool. Okay, I'm getting the fuck outta here now. Bye!'' The Fullmetal Alchemist ran out of the command base like a small hurricane.
Kimblee blinked. ''Did this twelve year old just curse-''
''We're very lenient towards that.'' Riza explained.
Roy Mustang came to his defence, too: ''Kid literally lost an arm and a leg and his whole brother's body and his mum – let the kid say fuck.''
''It surprised me is all.''
Roy Mustang sighed. ''Are you going to stay for longer?''
''No, I'm returning to Central on the next train.'' Kimblee smiled. Then he turned to Riza Hawkeye. ''I need an escort, perhaps?''
''I hope those radicals shoot you.''
''I hope East City has a very rainy spring.''
''Fucker.''
Riza Hawkeye held murder in her eyes, more so than usual. ''Goodybe, Major Kimblee. Your business visit has definitely brought some fresh new ideas to the table. Thank you. I will be your escort since your life is in danger.''
''Well, it isn't really in danger, is it? They keep botching every assassination attempt.''
''Thirteen whole times.''
''I know. They had so many opportunities.''
''They did! That's what I can't believe. One or two of those times I even gave them some advice.''
Riza Hawkeye didn't groan in exasperation, but this was as close as they could get: ''Don't help the domestic terrorists.''
''They're my failure assassins and I get to do with them as I please.''