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“Mr. Buckley?”
Buck turned at the clearing of a throat, and the man’s voice calling out to him.
“Mr. Diaz put it in his will that—"
“Eddie. He likes-liked to be called Eddie.”
“Right. Well, Eddie left you as Christopher’s legal guardian in the event that something happened to him. Are you prepared to take on that obligation?”
It didn’t matter how many times it was spoken to him, or how many times he read it—Buck couldn’t process it…any of it.
Why would Eddie leave him—Buck, of all the people in his life to take care of the person he loved most in the world?
“It’s understandable if you need some time to think about this sir, or even if you’re not up for the task. It’s a heavy ask if I do say so myself.”
Buck had barely lost his best friend, his partner, his—everything less than a week ago, and now he was in charge of a kid? He adored the hell out of Christopher, already treated the kid like his own, but to take care of him full time…alone? He couldn’t do it, shouldn’t. He had to though, because Eddie had put it in his will, a will that Buck had no idea about until an hour ago. Asshole.
Buck’s hands ached to be held as he clenched and unclenched them into fists at his sides. All he wanted was to grip onto Eddie one last time, just to feel—anything. His face felt wet, Buck constantly reaching up to brush away the blood that had long since vanished. He could still remember how it’d stained the wash cloth, a sea of red filling the sink. It wasn’t his blood, but it might as well have been.
“If-if I said no, what’s-what’s the contingency plan?”
The attorney looked from the stack of papers in front of him, then over to Buck with a tight-lipped frown.
“I’m afraid there isn’t one Mr. Buckley. Eddie and I discussed this, and I made it clear that you could refuse, but—”
“But he knew I wouldn’t,” Buck said finishing for the man, sighing as he let his head drop onto the table in front of him.
“Mr. Buckley, I—there’s something else you should know.”
Buck looked up to meet the attorney once more, his brows creasing together as the man shuffled through his papers again, coming up with an envelope that he held out for Buck to take.
“This is a letter Mr.—Eddie wrote. He specified that it was for you only. Now, I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but Eddie had his will written up last spring. This letter however, was just given to me a week ago.”
A week before Eddie died, a week before the world stopped turning and everything changed; a week before Buck lost his everything.
Las spring? That was when—
Buck quickly asked for the date the will was drafted, confirming his own suspicious. It had been written up just days after the well incident, the one where Eddie had nearly drowned forty feet below ground. He shivered just for the memory, his fingernails suddenly feeling thick with mud buried deep beneath them.
The attorney held the letter out further to Buck, beckoning him to take it. Buck hesitantly reached forward, taking it into his shaky hands before clutching it close to him like it was some sacred delicacy. He stared at the front of the letter, Eddie’s neat scrawling littered across it. It was just his name, the one Eddie had called him countless times, but Buck couldn’t help but to shed a tear anyway.
These were Eddie’s last words to him, the only ones he could ever read or hear for the first time again. Eddie was gone and he wasn’t coming back, but his words would linger. The ones on the paper, but especially those in his head. He couldn’t get Eddie’s last uttered words out of his mind, their faces pressed close together as Eddie’s voice had been all but a whisper.
~
“Eddie! Eddie! I need-need you to hang on just a little longer. We’re almost there!”
“Are-yo-u-hurt?”
Buck looks from Eddie’s dull browns back to his own body, noting the fresh blood he’s covered in.
“No, no I’m fine.”
The faintest smile spreads across his lips, one that Eddie tries and fails to match. With one hand over the wound, keeping Eddie’s blood from further spuing out, Buck takes his other to gently cup Eddie’s face, brushing his thumb ever so slightly across the beauty mark under Eddie’s eye.
“You-save—saved me.”
Sure, Buck had risked his life and quite literally dragged Eddie to safety, hoisting him up and into the fire truck, but he hadn’t saved him, not really. Eddie was far from ok, and besides—it was Eddie who had saved Buck, back when they’d first met.
Eddie’s eyes connected with his once more, Buck knowing Eddie had read his mind without either of them having to say a thing. It was times like these Buck wished they weren’t so in sync, that their pain wasn’t playing out onto the other.
A weak grasp to his wrist made Buck advert his attention, Eddie’s hand resting there, begging Buck to hear him. Buck didn’t want to; can’t.
“You-have—have to—”
Buck shook his head, twisting his wrist in Eddie’s hold so that their fingers linked, Buck tightly squeezing them together.
“No. No Eds. You gotta-you gotta stay with me.”
I can’t do this without you.
There was a faint squeeze to Buck’s fingers as Eddie gave all the strength he had, beckoning Buck to look at him. His clouded blues met those dimming browns, the flecks of green and gold in them more prominent than they’d ever been before.
Buck barely had time to take in a shaky breath before Eddie was uttering his last words, tears streaming down both their faces. Even when Eddie’s eyes closed for the last time, Buck couldn’t help but to swipe at Eddie’s face, brushing off his and Eddie’s tears that had now mixed together. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to touch, and now, it would be the last.
~
Even though Eddie was gone, Buck could still feel him everywhere; his touch, his breath ghosting over him, those eyes that always found him, voice husky and inviting, Buck slipping right in.
Another clear of a throat had Buck snapping his head back up, the letter still tightly clutched to his chest.
“How about I give you some time to look that over, and we can meet later in the week?”
Buck didn’t think he’d ever have the guts to open the letter, let alone in the next few days, though he found himself nodding anyway; he had to get out of here, needed to see Chris.
With one final handshake in parting, Buck made his way back to his jeep, his steps and motions mechanical; he hadn’t really felt anything in days.
He let himself into Eddie’s—Chris’s? house automatically, stopping as the familiarness overwhelmed him. Just like in his head, Eddie was everywhere.
Carla greeted him with a tight-lipped smile, one Buck was unable to return.
“He’s sleeping. I can stay if you want to get in a few hours yourself. You look like you could use it sweetie.”
Buck just shrugged, ignoring the way it made the letter shift in his inside jacket pocket.
“No uh, you should get home—be uh, be with your family.”
Carla didn’t ask the question everyone else had been, and for that, Buck was grateful. He wasn’t ok, and he didn’t know if he ever would be again.
“Ok, well don’t hesitate to reach out. I can be here day or night to help you with whatever. You just say the word.”
Buck simply nodded, not trusting that his voice wouldn’t. Carla squeezed his arm as she went passed, and it was almost worse than the hug he’d been anticipating, the last person to squeeze him like that being Eddie.
With Carla gone, the house suddenly felt empty, and Buck had to remind himself why, goosebumps lining his arms.
Making his way down the hallway, Buck stopped just in front of Christopher’s door, peering in to see a mop of curls, the boy’s chest rising and falling as he slept peacefully; at least, Buck hoped his sleep was.
He stood there for several minutes, watching Christopher’s even breaths, praying he’d never have to see them stop like he had with Eddie’s. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as Buck remembered coming to find Chris that day. They’d sat in his bedroom, Buck having kept his emotions at bay the entire time, but one look at Christopher and he’d just—lost it. He could picture telling Eddie all about it: when I told him about what happened, I kind of…lost it. Eddie would probably say something cheesy like, ‘you were there for him when I couldn’t be, that’s what matters.’
Yea, well Buck still thought it would’ve been better for Chris if he’d been the one who got shot.
Shaking the memory from his thoughts, Buck looked further down the hall to Eddie’s room, the closed door sat there hauntingly. He couldn’t—couldn’t go in there, couldn’t be in Eddie’s room knowing that his best friend was gone and never coming back, that they’d never share any more moments in there, ones they kept for only themselves, and no one else. Now, Buck wished they’d told everyone. All he had left were the memories, no one to share them with; no one that would understand anyway, not like Eddie.
~
He managed to wait a whole day before the guilt took him over; Christopher deserved to know, and it wasn’t exactly something Buck could continue to put off.
They were sitting at the table, uneaten bowls of lasagna sat in front of them, one Bobby and Athena had sent over earlier that day.
“You gotta eat buddy.”
Chris shrugged, not saying anything as he continued to push the pasta around with his fork. It was fair; Buck was doing much of the same.
Pushing his bowl away, Buck pressed the heels of his hands to his face, taking in a deep breath before pulling them away and looking back to Chris.
“Chris, there’s-there’s something we should—talk about.”
Chris continued his languid movements, not looking up as he answered Buck.
“Last time you said that you told me dad was dead.”
Buck’s entire body stiffened at Chris’ words. The kid had already been through so much, and Buck felt like he was continuing to cut that wound open.
“Yea I—yea I know buddy. And I-I feel awful about that…”
I feel so sick to my stomach that he’s gone and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, for me or for you.
“I—do you know what a will is?”
Chris nodded, dropping the fork so that it clattered into the bowl, neither of them saying anything until the clanking sound came to a stop.
“I don’t wanna go back to Texas.”
What? Oh, he thought—
“Chris, I can promise you that’s not going to happen, ok?”
It was the one thing Buck could actually promise the kid, and he’d be dammed if he didn’t follow through on it.
Leaning forward on the table, Buck slid his hands across, stopping just before Christopher’s. Tentatively, Buck reached a finger out to Brush over Chris’ hand, the boy sighing shakily as he moved his hand closer to Bucks’.
“Chris, your dad had a will, and-and in it, he specified who he wanted to take care of you. To be uh, your guardian if something-something happened to him.”
Chris’ small fingers played with Buck’s, Buck letting the touch ground him; at least he still had one of his Diaz boys.
“Am I gonna have to move in with Abuela?”
And while that idea sounded appealing to Buck, he knew Eddie’s grandmother wasn’t in the best shape to take care of Christopher full time, plus, it wasn’t what Eddie had wanted.
“No, no you’d get to stay here, with—with me. I uh, your dad wanted me to be your guardian Chris, and-and I know that’s a lot, and um we don’t-don’t have to make any decisions right now, but—”
“I get to stay here, and live with you?”
Chris sounded almost relived, Buck letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
He hadn’t thought passed what Eddie’s will said, that he would be Chris’ legal guardian, but he supposed living here would be the best thing. Chris was already comfortable here and the loft was nowhere near as accessible for him. There was also the fact that this place felt so much more like home to Buck than any place ever had. He felt safe here and knew that Christopher did too.
“Yea buddy. We’ll stay right here, you and me.”
Chris used the table to help himself up, holding onto it as he rounded the table to Buck, all but collapsing into his arms.
Christopher’s words came just before the sobs, Buck pulling the kid close to him.
“I miss him, Buck. I-I miss dad.”
“Me too buddy, me too.”
~
Buck tried to read the letter every night, but always managed to talk himself out of it.
He hadn’t been back to work since—since losing Eddie, Buck trying to put all the pieces of his new life together.
It was Christopher’s first day back at school, and Buck had held himself together until he’d reached his jeep, letting his tears fall freely as he’d drove away. When he pulled back into the driveway, Eddie’s truck still sat there, unmoved since the day it’d been brought back, Buck having no idea how it’d gotten there, though every time he saw it, it gave him the false hope that Eddie would be there when he opened the door; he wasn’t. It was just Buck now, waiting for Chris to come home and fill some of the void, one that seemed to grow every day.
After pacing around the house for several minutes, Buck found himself stood in front of Eddie’s door once again, fingers ghosting over the door knob.
He was meeting with the attorney later that day and Buck would give him the decision he’d made almost immediately. If Eddie wanted him to take care of Chris, then he would. Not because Buck thought he could, but because Eddie had known he would, that he could. Eddie had always believed in him, even when Buck himself didn’t.
Closing his eyes, Buck took in a shaky breath as he twisted the knob in his hand, pushing the door open. He was met with an overwhelming presence of Eddie, one that almost had Buck dashing back down the hall and out the door; almost.
Each step forward felt like stepping on pins and needles, but Buck pushed through, not stopping until he’d reached the bed, the bed where they’d shared so many memories, most of them meaningless; not to Buck though.
‘It’s, it’s not weird if I sleep here too?’ Eddie had simply shrugged, patting the spot next to him. ‘Only if you make it weird.’
Buck’s hand reached out to pat the comforter, the one he’d sat both on and under. A tear beaded down his face, though Buck held back his emotions as he pressed on, moving to sit on the bed. Taking his usual side, Buck left Eddie’s open, pretending he was laying there next to him like always as he reached for the letter in his pocket, holding it up in front of his face.
After staring at if for far too long, Buck sucked in a deep breath, pushing it out to a count of three as he ripped the envelope, letting the letter slide right into his hands. The first word he read was also the last one Eddie had said to him; neither of them seemed real.
Evan,
I’ve always wanted to call you that, but I’ve never been brave enough too. Hopefully by the time you read this I will have, because I’d hate to die without giving you back a piece of yourself. And before you tell yourself that little boy inside of you doesn’t deserve this, just know that he does—you deserve to be loved Buck, every damn day.
I’ve never been good at feelings, but I thought maybe if I wrote them down on paper they wouldn’t sound as shitty.
I know you’re wondering why I left you in charge of Chris, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself. I had my will written up last year, and after everything…I just needed you to know why, on the off chance I never got to tell you. And if you’re reading this, well, I guess I didn’t.
You were such a prick that first day I met you…I thought you were gonna hate me forever. But then you came and saved my ass with that embedded bomb, and we’ve had each other’s backs every day since. Yes, even during the lawsuit. I could never give up on you Buck, on-on us.
Anyway, after the tsunami, I meant what I said: there’s no one in this world I trust with my son more than you. So, when I went to write up my will and saw the legal guardian part, there really was no other option for me. Not only have you always been there for me, but you’ve been there for Chris in ways that I could never thank you for Buck, not really.
The bond you two share is indescribable. I’ve never seen someone who truly cared for my kid in the ways you do, not to mention how much you guys have in common…how many times have you been to the zoo now? I know you’ve got the place memorized by now.
Look who’s rambling now…see what you’ve done to me?
Listen Buck, I’m not good with words or feelings, but I think you know how I feel….at least I hope you do by now.
Leaving Chris with you is by far the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know that with you my son will always be taken care of, provided for, and loved. But most importantly, he’ll always have a best friend. I would know, because you were mine. And we’ll be best friends forever, won’t we?’
Yea, forever, Buck thought as he scanned to the last line, barely able to read it through his blurred vision.
‘Until we can have each other’s backs again, your second favorite Diaz, Eddie, aka eight pack…aka G.I.—seriously, what were you thinking with that one?’
Buck let out a choked off laugh, one that turned into a cry, letting himself sob freely as he rolled to bury his head in Eddie’s pillow, letting the comforting scent take him over. Eddie might not be there physically, but Buck could still feel him all around, and he hoped he always would. He wasn’t ready to let go; maybe he never would be.
When Buck finally pulled himself from the bed, he headed straight for the shower, letting the steam clear his mind while the water washed his face, making him feel a little more whole again.
With his head clear for the moment, Buck headed to the attorney’s office, not hesitating in his answer, much like Eddie hadn’t with his decision. Chris was his, forever, and Buck was gonna make damn sure that Eddie’s, no—their son was shown love every single day of his life, no matter how difficult they were. All Buck ever wanted was to be loved, and no one had shown him more love than Chris and Eddie, besides Maddie of course; after all, Chris did claim her to be a favorite aunt.
~
Buck wasn’t a religious person, never had been, but if he’d known one thing was for certain, it was that he’d see Eddie again. And even though he’d prepared himself for this every day since losing his best friend, nothing prepared him for the actual moment it happened.
“How long are you gonna keep me waiting Buckley? You act like we’ve got forever.”
Buck just—stood there, useless and unmoving. Eddie was here, in front of him, speaking as if it’d only been minutes rather than years, some of which Buck wasn’t sure how he’d gotten through.
Everything about him was familiar, yet he still felt so far away. Liquid pooled in his eyes, and Buck couldn’t be bothered to wipe them away or even care that they were there. Eddie was here now, and so was he.
“C’mere.”
Eddie’s voice was but a whisper, like it had been that last day, Buck instantly pulled to him, like there’d been some invisible string keeping them attached all these years.
He fell into Eddie’s arms, all but burying himself into the man as he nestled his head into the space between Eddie’s shoulder and neck, inhaling the all too familiar scent, the one he’d been searching for for far too long now.
“You’re here…”
Eddie wrapped his arms tighter around Buck, pulling them impossibly closer as he swayed them from side to side.
“Yes, and I don’t wanna wait another second to do this.”
Eddie suddenly pushed Buck an arm’s length away, though kept their fingers laced together, spinning Buck as he went. There wasn’t any music, just the two of them, dancing.
With Eddie’s hands at his sides, Buck folded into the touch, moving his hands to Eddie’s shoulders as he leaned in close, tucking his head right next to Eddie’s.
“You couldn’t wait to dance with me?”
“Nope. Never got to have my Patrick Swayze moment.”
Buck puffed out a laugh, moving his fingers to rub over Eddie’s neck.
“Please, you’re such a Baby.”
Without warning, Eddie suddenly dipped Buck, holding him at an arm’s length as he looked down to him, Buck all but losing his breath as those browns warmed into him, the specs of gold and green shimmering within.
“God, I missed you Eds.”
“I missed you too Buck, so much.”
As Eddie pulled him back up, their eyes never left the others, brown holding onto blue until they were nearly mixing together, creating a shade all of their own.
Eddie’s breath ghosted over Buck as he spoke, their faces mere inches apart.
“There’s something else I can’t wait any longer for, something I should’ve done years ago, before I-before I—”
“Do it now Eddie, please.”
The last word barely left his lips before Eddie was pressing into them, soft and tenderly. Buck let himself fall, knowing Eddie was right there to catch him.
They let themselves explore, kissing until they were breathless, Eddie all but breathing life back into him.
“Tell me all about it. I wanna know everything Buck, all of it.”
A smile crept over Buck’s lips, the kind only Eddie could get out of him.
“Like you weren’t watching the whole time.”
“I was, but I wanna hear you tell me anyway. I miss hearing your voice.”
And so, Buck did the thing he was best at, rambling on about Chris and all the years they’d had together.
“He, he called me dad Eds, and-and not by mistake”
Eddie smiled into him, pressing a tender kiss over Buck’s birthmark.
“And you were surprised? Because I wasn’t.”
Buck pulled back just enough to look up at Eddie, brows furrowing together.
“Buck, you’ve always been like a second dad to him. You just—fit, right into our family, right into our hearts.”
“You Diaz’ boys are such saps.”
“Well, you should know, since you’ve been one for a while now.”
Buck pressed his face into Eddie’s chest then, a shy smile spreading across his face.
After dealing with all the paperwork, Buck got the idea. It was mostly for convenience, but it made Buck feel like he was carrying a piece of Eddie and Chris with him at all times. Chris had approved of the change instantly, and Buck officially became a Buckley-Diaz from then on.
“I love you, Eddie. I-I should’ve said that years ago, but—”
“But you’re telling me now.”
Eddie shushed him by pressing a tender kiss to the corner of Buck’s lips, sliding them across until they aligned.
“Tell me again why you made me Chris’ legal guardian?”
“Because, Evan, I love you and my son does too. You’re stuck with us.”
Buck tugged Eddie closer, smiling right into their kiss.
“Forever?”
“Yea Buck, forever.”