Work Text:
*Downtown Shinjuku*
Yuli: Waaaaah! I want a skateboard!
Dad: Alright, fine, here...if it'll shut you up.
Yuli: *takes off* Whee!
*ACCIDENT*
Yuli: Ow, my ass.
White Blaze: *RAWR*
Ryo: Wow, kid. You fail at skateboarding.
*City gets invaded by demons*
*Everybody disappears*
Ryo: Uh...yeah. Now to bust out my mystical superpowers!
Mia: Oh, I hope he knows what he's doing.
Yuli:...when did YOU get here?
Mia: Shut up, kid.
*Four other guys with mystic powers show up and get smacked around like cheap whores*
Talpa: Mwahaha! You're all so WEAK and CLUELESS! I *could* kill you now, but instead I'll just fling you all over the place! Nobody will EVER find you!
Mia: Except for me, 'cuz I'm awesome.
*Mount Fuji*
Mia: Ryo! Somehow I knew that you'd totally be here, despite the fact that there are so many OTHER volcanoes you could've landed in.
Ryo: Thanks, lady.
Anubis: Mwahaha! I'm totally going to kill you, except I DON'T! Although, to be fair, I did beat you up pretty badly and almost light Mia on fire. Oops, Talpa's paging me, gotta go. *disappears*
Mia: Alright, let's go find the other guys.
*Shinsha U*
Mia: I'm gonna use my l33t haxx0ring skillz to get into my grandpa's computer and figure out what to do next.
Yuli: Cool, a Polaroid camera. I'm gonna run around like a moron taking pictures.
*The suits of armor come to life*
Mia: Holy shit!
Grandpa Koji: Rawr, I'm totally possessed by evil!
*Ryo kills him*
Mia:...dude, you just killed my Grandpa.
Ryo:...um, oops?
Sekhmet: Mwahaha! I'm here to stop you guys from finding the other Ronin Warriors, except I DON'T! But I will destroy the whole dang university while I'm at it.
*On the road...*
Mia: Good thing I saved my Grandpa's comically large laptop from the destroyed university. It says we have to go save Sage!
Yuli: Whoever THAT is.
Mia: The compy also says he's at the Kannasota Pinnacles.
Yuli: Can of Soda? Awesome! My parents NEVER let me have soda!
Ryo: ...Wow, kid, you're retarded.
*Inside Some Cave Somewhere*
Sekhmet: Mwahaha! I totally screwed up your eyesight, Ryo!
Mia: Huh, I thought this was a Cale episode.
*Sage busts out of his rock and kicks Sekhmet's ass*
Sage: Now for some amateur laser eye surgery.
Ryo: It totally worked! So NOT a plot device.
Mia: Alright, guys, now we have to go find Cye.
*Some Body of Water With a Bridge Over It*
Mia: OK, Ryo, jump off this bridge.
Ryo: Wait, what? I don't become emo 'til later on.
Sekhmet: Mwahaha! I've been stalking you all this time.
Ryo: God, get a life.
Cye: *wakes up* Yay, water, for the win!
*They team up and kick Sekhmet's ass*
Cye: All right! We defeated Sekhmet!
Mia: ...and killed a guy driving a truck, and destroyed a bridge.
Ryo: God, you're a real downer, you know that?
*Later...*
Mia: Despite the fact that you could get attacked at any second, I'm gonna stick you guys with Yuli while I run off with Sage to find Kento.
*Drives off*
*Some Mountain Somewhere*
Mia: Kento should be inside that giant rock.
Sage: Niiiiice...and what am I supposed to do, cut it open? Oh, wait--that's EXACTLY what I'm supposed to do, and for some inexplicable reason my sword can do it.
Cale: Mwahaha! I'm going to try and stop you!
*They ignore him*
Cale: Uh, I said I'm going to try and stop you.....helloooo! Guys?
Mia: Sage, did you hear something?
Sage: Must've been the wind.
*They get Kento out of his rock*
Cale: Stop you, I will! Evil!
*Mia, Sage, and Kento walk past him, get into the car, and drive off*
Cale:...dammit. *disappears*
*At a Campsite, Beside a River*
Mia: Ok, so we pretty much have everybody except Rowen. I wonder where he's at...
Sage: What does your magical laptop say?
Mia: Oh, I dunno, just some junk about "the sky" this, "low Earth orbit" that...but that can't be right, even though it was dead on about you guys the last four times.
Ryo: Well, if he is in space, how are we going to get there?
Cye: ...um, charter a rocket ship? I hear the US Government's in dire need of money.
*Talpa's Castle*
Talpa: Mwahaha! The last Ronin's in space, and if we can get to him first, then the five-man team's totally screwed!
Anubis: Er, but how are we supposed to get into space? It's not like you have a rocket launchpad in the backyard - this castle's 1000 years old.
Dais: We could always charter a rocket ship...I hear the US Government's in dire need of money.
Talpa: SILENCE! We're going to use...magic! My plan is to launch a mystical flying meatball into space and hope that it hits him!
Dais: *facepalms*...holy shit, no wonder it's taking us so long to conquer the world.
*In the Sky*
Ryo: Woo-hoo! I hitched a ride on Talpa's Flying Meatball. Now, where's Rowen...
*Rowen floats over in his space bubble and envelops Ryo*
Ryo: Well...that was easy.
*They crash back to Earth*
Anubis: How's it goin', jerks! I'm the welcoming committee!
Rowen:...how are you a committee? There's only ONE of you.
Anubis: I...er...well...shut up! QUAKE WITH FEAR!
Rowen: ARROW SHOCK WAVE!
Anubis:...hm, I should probably duck or something. Oops, too late.
*His helmet splits in half*
Rowen: You! You're...a MAN!
Ryo: Well, DUH.
Anubis: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Here's your stupid nuclear arrow back. Now I gotta figure out how I'm gonna get this helmet fixed. Oops, Talpa's paging me. Gotta go. *disappears*
*Downtown Shinjuku Again*
Mia: Wow, this is really flippin' weird. Tokyo's actually EMPTY.
Sage: Hey, we're gonna run around town looking for a doorway into Talpa's place. See ya! Oh, and try not to get killed.
Yuli: Oh, noes! Bad guys!
Mia: Let's hide underground in the subway! They'll never get us there!
*They go underground*
Yuli: EEEK! More bad guys!
Mia: Oh, hell! Nice plan, kid.
Yuli:...but I didn't come up with it. You did.
Mia: Just shut up and run!
*Elsewhere...*
Sage: Hm, my Mia-sense is tingling. I think she's in trouble.
Rowen: Of course she's in trouble, she's the only one without mystical armor and superpowers.
Ryo: Well...she does have that giant laptop...I'm sure she could kill a dude if she hit him in the head with that thing.
*The 5 guys totally save Mia's ass, then promptly get separated. Again.*
*Elsewhere...*
Dais: Hiiii, Kento! All your sanity are belong to me!
Kento: Despite the fact that you're specifically known as the Warlord of Illusion, I'm going to believe everything you say about my armor making me evil because there's NO POSSIBLE REASON you would be lying. At all.
Dais: Riiiiight. Well, have fun with your nervous breakdown.
*Talpa's Castle*
Anubis: Arrrgh! Why the hell am I in this pool full of lava?
Talpa: Because you're not evil enough.
Anubis: And this is supposed to make me more evil? If anything, it's just making me more pissed off. At you, specifically.
Talpa: Oh...Well, I hadn't thought about that. Here, then, just take all these drugs and go kill the Ronins.
*Back in the Subway*
Ronins: Yay, we're reunited again. Now, about that comeback album...
Rowen: Hey, guys. I hear footsteps...
Kento: Is it a bird??
Sage: ...with huge, clunking, metal footfalls?
Kento: ...Is it a plane?
Rowen: *facepalms*
Mia: Look! It's...Super Anubis!
Ryo: "Super Anubis"? What the hell?
Anubis: Mwahaha! Soon you will fall to your knees before me and beg for mercy! *mutters quickly*...except for Mia, who will be on her knees for an entirely different reason.
Mia: ...huh?
*Everybody gets the shit kicked out of them except for Kento, who somehow saves the day*
Kento: Awesome.
*In a Park...*
The Ancient: Anubis, Talpa doesn't care about you, he only wants your armor.
Anubis: Huh, well that would explain why the Dynasty's medical insurance doesn't cover anything.
The Ancient: And THAT would explain why you've had laryngitis for 400 years and haven't done anything about it.
Talpa: Get your ass back here, Anubis! You're still my bitch!
Anubis: Oops, Talpa's paging me. Gotta go. *he disappears*
Ancient: Oh, fudge.
Ronins: Hey, um, we kind of still have to save the world here.
Ancient: Oh, alright, fine. I'll just conjure an express elevator to Talpa's...
Ryo: While you do that, I'm gonna beat on Yuli. Be right back.
*In the Dynasty*
Ryo: Wow, this place is a trip.
Mia: Hey, for some reason me and the kid are here too, even though we totally shouldn't be. Oh, and now we're in trouble.
Ryo: Looks like you're fucked...Talpa's gone and eaten everybody, and I'm busy fighting for my life against Master Hand.
*Anubis busts out of prison and saves their asses...*
Yuli: Cool!
*...and is then promptly eaten by Talpa*
Mia: Eww!
Talpa: C'mon, Ryo, you're the last one left! Give up your armor...you know you want to. All your friends did...you won't be cool if you don't!
Ryo: God! What are you, an inter-dimensional drug dealer?
Talpa: Just get in mah belly!
*Talpa eats him*
Talpa:...ugh, now I don't feel so good. Urp...*barfs out a rainbow*
Yuli: Yay, Skittles!
Ryo: *gets up* Hey, I'm wearing different armor now. Thanks, you giant sentient blender.
*Ryo opens up a can of whoop-ass on Talpa and saves the world*
*A Few Days Later, at Mia's...*
Ryo: --CATAPULT NIGHTMARE!--
White Blaze: Rawr.
Ryo: *wanders out onto the balcony*
Cye: Oy, Ryo! You might wanna put on a shirt before an army of fangirls descends on this place and tears it to pieces.
Kento: Dude, what's up with your nipples? Are they pierced?
Ryo:...huh? *looks down* Oh...stupid animators.
*In Mia's Office...*
Mia: According to my computer, your current swords totally suck. You're gonna have to get new ones.
Ryo: Hearing that makes me so mad that I'm going to punch your wall and break all your shit.
Mia: Fine, asshole. Luckily for you it's all insured.
Sage: *walks in* Hey, Mia. White Blaze is having a fight with another tiger in your dining room, which is now totally destroyed.
Mia: *facepalms*
Sage: But look on the bright side, Mia...it's a super-special plot-advancing tiger whose owner just happens to have the two new swords that Ryo needs.
Kento: All right! Let's go kill him and take them!
Cye:...um, isn't that a major criminal offense?
Rowen: Shut up, Cye. We're superheroes.
*At a Cabin on a Nearby Lake...*
Rowen: Who else thinks that Ryo's going all emo and needs to be demoted?
Sage: *raises hand*
Cye: *raises hand*
Kento: *raises hand*
Rowen: Hey, Ryo! We just voted you off the island!
Ryo: Well that's too bad, you backstabbing twerps, because I just went and got my new swords. Aren't they awesome? *shows them off*
Kento: Wow, who'd-a-thunk the guy who owned 'em would live so close??
Ryo: ...actually, he was a teleporting demon who worked for the Dynasty.
Sage: You're kidding! I thought we killed those guys off.
Rowen: No, just Talpa, apparently.
*Later...*
Sage: We're all gonna go on soul-searching trips because we're all having the same weird dream. See ya!
Mia: Yeah, whatever.
*They take off*
Mia: Finally, I get the house to myself.
Yuli: *playing Solitaire on Mia's comp*
*Talpa's Castle*
Talpa: Mwahaha! I'm nowhere near dead, motherfuckers!
Warlords:...we can see that. So, uh, what do you want us to do?
Talpa: Try and kidnap me some Ronins, if you can...although I don't know why I'm asking you to do anything anymore, since Kayura's rendered you all pretty much useless.
Kayura: *grins evilly*
Dais:...stupid Kayura.
*Elsewhere*
Cale: I'm gonna kidnap me a Sage!
Sekhmet: I'm gonna kidnap me a Cye!
Dais: I'm gonna kidnap me a Kento!
Talpa: Wow, you actually succeeded. That's a first.
Kayura: Hi, Rowen, I'm Kayura.
Rowen: *points* Uh...your chest...
Kayura:...yeah. Right. Well, I'm going to be the bane of your existence for the rest of the series. See ya! *she disappears*
Rowen: I better go find Ryo.
*Mt. Fuji Again*
Ryo: Yay for me. I'm meditating in the core of a dormant volcano.
Kayura: Hi, Ryo, I'm Kayura. Your friends are doomed. Talpa. Dynasty.
Ryo:...the hell?
Rowen: *runs up panting*...oh, crap. She got here first. I was gonna tell you...about her chest...
Ryo: Talpa? I thought I totally killed that guy.
Kayura: Well, you didn't. *disappears*
Rowen: Wait, Boobs! Come back!
*Mia's Again*
Ryo: Hey, Mia? Y'know how we all thought that I killed Talpa dead like, ten episodes ago? Well...I actually kinda didn't, apparently.
Mia: Wow. You fail at being a superhero.
Rowen: Shut up, Mia, the writers are just lazy. We have to go downtown again to get into his castle.
Mia: Y'know, I've never been able to figure out why Talpa's front door is located in Shinjuku, anyway.
Rowen: It's just the writers again, invoking the "Tokyo Is The Center Of The Universe" rule.
*Outside...*
Ancient: *jangle jangle*
Ryo: Look! It's the Ancient!
Rowen: And he got a dye job.
Ancient: *Takes off hat* No, sillies. It's just me, Anubis.
Mia: Holy shit!
Anubis: I switched sides and decided to fill in for the Ancient after he died conjuring that express elevator to Talpa's ten episodes ago.
Ryo: Oh, um...about Talpa. He's...kind of not really dead.
Anubis: What?? God, you fail at being a superhero. Anyway, I figured as much when I ran into Lady Kayura. Man, what a bitch.
Rowen: We were on our way to downtown Shinjuku, wanna come?
*Shinjuku, Now Conveniently Deserted Again*
Mia: Boy, am I glad Anubis was able to get Ryo and Rowen past the bouncers and into the Dynasty.
Yuli: Despite the fact that Anubis scares the crap out of me, I'm going to invite him to stay at Mia's house!
Mia: Hey, you can't just randomly invite strangers to stay at other people's houses!
Yuli: Aw, he can stay with us, can't he, Mia?
Mia:...fine, you little punk. But he's sleeping in the garage.
Anubis: Thank you. 400 years ago, I was a warrior in my small village--
Mia: Hey! I said you could stay at my house--I didn't say I wanted to hear your life story.
Anubis: Oh, shit! Evil! *He beats the shit out of Dais with his staff*
Anubis: Repent, sinner!
Dais: Whatever.
*Back In Mia's Office...*
Anubis: Wow, Mia, what the hell IS that thing?
Mia: It's a computer.
Anubis: Is it magic? It's magic, isn't it.
Mia: Well...kinda...
Anubis: Awesome.
Mia: Here, why don't you read this history book while I look stuff up, OK?
*Some time later...*
Anubis:...they dropped a WHAT onto WHERE?!
Mia: Okay, that's enough of that. *takes book*
*Later...*
Mia: Wow, according to my Grandpa's comically outdated 5 1/4" floppy disks, we have to find the Jewel of Life, which is conveniently located beneath Jewel Lake. Hm, that was easy...
Computer:--RICKROLL'D!--
Mia: Dammit!
Anubis: Oh, shit! Evil! *He wastes a bunch of guys out on Mia's balcony*
Mia: ...Y'know, I'm starting to think letting you stay here wasn't such a great idea. I mean, you're nothing but a bad guy magnet.
Anubis: Aw, but I'm hot. C'mon, you know you love me.
*At Jewel Lake...*
Mia: Okay, here it is.
Anubis: *Parts the lake with his staff*
--INSERT MOSES JOKE HERE--
Mia:...God, is there anything that staff CAN'T do?
Anubis: *checks the Hitachi Magic Staff's user's manual*...nope, apparently not.
*In the Temple...*
Mia: Okay, now don't touch anything until we've disarmed the security--
Yuli: Hey guys, I grabbed the Jewel!
Mia: God DAMMIT! Now there's haunted armor everywhere!
Gash: And I just snuck in the open front door! Gimme that jewel, kid!
Anubis: *opens up a can of whoop-ass with his staff*
Mia: Hm, I don't think the Original Ancient beat up half as many people with that staff when HE had it.
Anubis: Alright, it's Dynasty time.
*In the Dynasty*
Mia: Oh. My. GOD. The Dynasty looks FABULOUS.
Anubis: Not really.
Kayura: Hiii, Anubis! *waves*
Anubis: Oh, crap. I totally want to kill you, but the staff won't let me.
Mia: Huh, I guess there's ONE thing the staff can't do. I wonder why it wasn't in the user's manual.
Ryo: SUPER-SPECIAL AWESOME INFERNO ARMOR ATTACK!
*Kayura's amulet gets snapped off*
Kayura:...whoa. Wait. What the hell's going on?
Anubis: Ooh, I KNEW she wasn't really evil!
Mia:...you did?
Anubis: Yeah. She couldn't be, or else I could totally beat the shit out of her with this thing. It just makes sense.
*Cricket sounds*
Ryo:...no, it doesn't.
*Elsewhere...*
Badamon: As head Dead Guy, it's my job to possess Lady Kayura and make sure she doesn't go all "Anubis" on our asses!
Kayura: Eww, get out of my body, you nasty green bastard!
Badamon: No way, I've always wondered what it feels like to be a woman.
*In a Secluded Area...*
Cye: Isn't it nice that there's at least one part of the castle grounds that the bad guys conveniently choose to ignore so that we can level up?
Ryo: Hey, Anubis. We're gonna go beat on Talpa now...
Anubis: Cool, I'm going to pray to my Hitachi Magic Staff and wait for it to tell me what to do next.
Sage: Um...well...we were sorta kinda hoping you could lend some of your badassitude to the battle, since we've seen what you can do with that staff and all.
Anubis: Sorry, guys, but I'm supposed to be a pacifist.
Rowen: Huh, try telling that to the last 9,000 guys you beat the crap out of with that staff.
*The Ronins walk off*
*Some time Later...*
Mia: Okay, Anubis, you've been praying to your staff for HOURS. Hasn't it told you ANYTHING yet??
Anubis: Yes. Apparently, I have to go and save Kayura from Badamon because she's the last descendant of The Original Ancient.
Mia: And...?
Anubis: Yuli will be a virgin at forty, and live in his parents' basement.
Yuli: ...Really? Mia, what's a virgin?
Mia: *facepalms*
*Elsewhere in the Dynasty*
Anubis: Kayura! Or Badamon! Or whoever you are! Your reign of terror is over!
Kayuramon: Hahaha! You can't stop me!
Anubis: Yeah I can. *Hooks an arm around Kayura and pulls her close* Hey, baby, is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Badamon: AAAAAAH! ANUBIS IS COMING ON TO ME! OH MY GOD! *Flees Kayura's body in terror*
Kayura:...wow. That was...weird.
Anubis: Yeah, and for some reason it results in my death. Bye! *dies*
Yuli: Oh, noooo, not Anubis! The only cool character on the WHOLE SERIES! Waaaaaaaah!
Ryo: Gee...thanks, kid.
Talpa: Mwahaha! Shinjuku is MINE! *Invades city and gold-plates it*
*Demons swarm everybody*
Citizens: AAAAH! What'd we do to deserve this??
Mia: Oh, no! The mystical eclipse is at "Master Card Symbol"! We have to save the world before it completes or we fail!
Ryo: Hey, Talpa! I challenge you to a fight on top of this building, which doesn't have much space but would sure look cool.
Talpa: You're on, twit.
*They fight*
Ryo: *misses Talpa and punches a hole through Badamon*...oops.
Badamon: Dammit, this is what I get for standing too close. *dies*
*On the sidelines...*
Rowen: Hmm, we gotta do something to help Ryo. But what?
Cye: I think I have an idea....
*The Ronins strip naked and pose*
Talpa:...the hell? What's THAT gonna do?
*An army of fangirls swarms the roof of the building and tears Talpa apart in an effort to get to the naked Ronins*
Talpa: Noooooo! *dies*
Ronins: *mauled by fangirls*
Yuli:--JEWEL OF LIFE!--
*The fangirls disappear and the Ronins come back to life*
Ronins: Thanks, kid.
*Downtown Shinjuku*
Ryo: Well, we finally killed Talpa and saved the world.
Kento: It sure feels good having done something worthwhile.
Sage: Now we can just go back to leading normal, peaceful lives in suburban Tokyo.
...NOT!
*Three OVA's later*
Ryo: ...man, I'm gettin' too old for this shit.
------------------------------------------------
End!