Work Text:
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Ajax nodded stiffly, smoothing his hands over his jacket in a pathetic attempt to clear the wrinkles that had formed there last night. He looked about as messy as he felt, with his ginger hair all frizzy and splayed out in the air around him. Exhaustion clung to his eyes, making him look a lot older than he was as well.
From beside him, the 5th Harbinger stood, a hand resting on Ajax’s shoulder as if the crowd around them would sweep him away the second they let go. He didn’t shrug it off, letting it ground him from anxiety about the near events.
“You can always turn around and leave,” Pulcinella reminded, keeping a watchful eye on Ajax. “Call my name and I’ll be there to pick you up quicker than you can pull your sword out, my boy.”
Ajax couldn’t resist a little grin, unreasonably happy. He always felt a little better when Pulcinella was there, a guard between him and the harsh reality of the world around him. The dull ache of an injury a certain someone gave Ajax the night before was a little distracting to the illusion, but he tried not to think too much about that.
“I’ll be fine!” Ajax chirped, rocking on his heels. “It's just my dad anyways, he can’t be mad at me for too long! I’ll show him how much I’ve improved with my sword and he’ll be proud of me again!”
Pulcinella winced, and Ajax’s curious gaze whipped up to meet theirs. They said nothing, merely nodding along with his words.
If only Ajax knew.
The train stopped in front of them a moment later, and soon enough, the two were boarding. Looking uncomfortable about all the people around them, Pulcinella — obviously not dressed in their work clothes — settled in the seat furthest from everyone and beckoned Ajax to sit by them. He still had to hop to sit on the seats in trains, despite being 16 and decent height for his age.
The ride was roughly an hour and a half long, and eventually Ajax was shaken awake by Pulcinella. He’d fallen asleep on them, legs stretched out over the seat and head resting on their arm. When Ajax stirred, he rubbed his eyes sleepily and yawned, sitting up properly. His eyes opened and he looked around in brief confusion before recalling what was happening.
It was time to begin the trek home.
His dad looked genuinely surprised to see Ajax and Pulcinella when he opened the door, as if he didn’t expect either of them to carry out their promises to visit. From behind his dad, Ajax could see little Teucer running up even before he announced himself, flinging himself into Ajax’s arms. He laughed and lifted the recently-turned-four-year-old into his arms, pretending not to notice the distasteful look his dad cast him.
“Teucer!” Ajax cried happily, a wide grin on his face. “Hello! I missed you!”
His brother didn’t say anything, only holding onto Ajax tight enough that it hurt him a little. Tears pricked at the corners of Teucer’s eyes and he sniffled a little. Worried, Ajax put Teucer in the ground again and crouched down to his eye level, looking at the boy with furrowed brows.
“Teucer? Are you okay?”
Teucer wiped some of his tears away, pouting at Ajax. “Where were you?”
Ajax hesitated for a long moment. He didn’t know what his dad told Teucer, he didn’t know if saying the truth would give it away.
The truth.
No, Ajax couldn’t say the truth. He couldn’t do that to Teucer.
“I’m sorry, Teuc’. Work got busy…” Ajax trailed off, looking up at Pulcinella, seeking assistance.
Pulcinella wasn’t there. Ajax couldn’t help a worried frown, they had been standing behind him only a moment before. He wondered if they had gone inside, and a quick glance into his home showed that they had. Pulcinella was sitting on the couch, clearly making themselves at home, and Ajax’s dad was standing in front of them.
A tug of Ajax’s sleeve distracted him from whatever his dad and Pulcinella were doing, and he looked down to see Teucer staring up at him with wide eyes. The boy looked so similar to their mom, sporting the same freckles dotting his face as Ajax and their mom shared as well. Ajax never wanted to see the fear in his mom’s eyes whenever she would look at him reflected in Teucer’s.
He would do everything in his power to protect Teucer from figuring out Ajax had murdered in cold blood before, and would only continue to do so; he promised to himself right then and there.
“Do you really work in a toy factory?” Teucer asked as Ajax led them both inside and out of the cold. “Dad showed me some of your toys! They’re really cool!”
Ajax stiffened suddenly, in the middle of pulling his coat off. He didn’t like the thought of his dad dictating what the “toy factory” was like, and desperately hoped Teucer had been shown a photo of a Mondstadtian Crimson Fox or something of the sort. Hanging his coat up by the door, he noticed how the bright crimson of the Fatui stood out against the whites and greys of his family’s coats.
Like blood on the background of snow, Ajax would always stain those he loved with the deaths of millions.
He shook the thoughts out of his mind, and in an attempt to avoid answering Teucer, turned his attention to his other siblings. Tonia had come from the hall that led down to their bedrooms and was now leaning on the doorframe, her arms crossed. Anthon stood a little behind her, awkwardly, as if he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Ajax knew Thanatos and Troilus would be arriving later, and Asteria wasn’t coming.
He tried to ignore the prickle of guilt rising up within. Asteria claimed to be busy with college, but she had been there when Ajax beat up those soldiers and Pulcinella came out to personally drag him away. Ajax had seen the fear in her eyes that night, and she hadn’t been able to look at him ever since. Maybe it was better if she didn’t come.
“Ajax,” Tonia greeted, her voice as sharp and blunt as always. “You’re home earlier than expected.”
Ajax frowned. Tonia was always a little snappy, ever since they were both children, but this was different. There was no hidden smile in her eyes, no light tease masked by a playful glare. She was just…. flat.
And Anthon, who was always so eager to spend time with Ajax even when he was busy, didn’t even say hello. He wondered what happened while he was gone, wondered if someone had told them he was with the Fatui. Maybe if Ajax acted as if it were all okay, they would go back to normal.
“Hi!” Ajax’s smile was too wide, too forced. He felt sick. “The train came early, so I guess we did too. How are you guys?”
Silence.
And then Anthon scowled.
“Just stop it!” He cried, balling his fists and stamping his foot into the carpet. “Stop pretending it's all okay, Ajax! I know who Pulcinella is, the 5th Harbinger, I know they've killed people! And I know you have too!”
“So stop acting all innocent!”
Ajax felt sick. He looked around wildly for Teucer, before spotting him with his dad and Pulcinella, happily distracted by pestering them. If he didn’t feel like he was about to cry, Ajax would have laughed at how uncomfortable Pulcinella was in the presence of such a young child.
He placed one hand on Anthon’s shoulder and the other on Tonia’s, gently guiding them back to his old room. Ajax clicked open the door, finding it as decorated as he last left it — minus the pictures of his family, he’d taken those back to the Palace. Anthon shrugged his hand off, storming inside the room and angrily sitting on Ajax’s bed. Tonia was a lot more composed about removing herself from Ajax’s grip.
“Well?” Tonia prompted, sitting by Anthon with her arms still crossed.
Ajax sighed heavily, closing the door behind him before leaning against it. “I’m… sorry.” He started, before realizing how pathetic that was. His expression twisted and he felt tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill and make him look like an idiot.
“Listen, just.. please don’t tell Teucer, okay?” He pleaded, despite knowing they had every right to. “I don’t want him to know how I am. I don’t want him to look at me and see danger.”
Tonia’s lip curled, but Anthon beat her to speaking. “You’re damn lucky we both care about him. You have no right to ask us of such a thing, when you’re as awful as you are.”
Ajax flinched.
He knew it was true. He was awful. But it still stung to hear those words from someone who had previously admired him.
A knock on the door interrupted Anthon’s tangent, and their mother’s voice rang out, worried. She wanted to greet Ajax, but he was too busy trying not to burst out in tears to respond to her.
Tonia stood up and went to the door, shoving Ajax aside to open it. She cast him a nasty look, silent in its nature but still left him feeling like he was going to vomit, and then turned around and left. Anthon was quick to follow, not even bothering to look at Ajax. He was left there, huddled in the corner of the wall with his arms wrapped tightly around him, tears spilling over his eyelids and running down his cheeks.
“Give him a moment.” Anthon said dully, slipping past their mother and vanishing down the hall, Tonia on his heels.
Ajax’s mother did not give him a moment. She opened the door further, walked in, and then shut it behind her. Her gaze softened significantly when it landed on Ajax, and he wanted to cry harder. Ajax had her same wild ginger hair and bright blue eyes, just like Teucer and Asteria. Everyone else took from their father, with varying shades of brown hair and eyes.
Quietly, Ajax’s mom went over and sat down on the bed, the same spot that Anthon had sat before. She held her arms out to Ajax, an unspoken offer for comfort that he wasn’t sure exactly how genuine it was. He stared at her soft smile for a moment in silence, trying to figure out how genuine it was. Dottore would have been able to tell with a single glance, but he was a lot worse at reading people than the doctor.
Eventually, Ajax was tempted out of his corner. Slowly, he walked over, fitting into his mom’s arms and resting his head on her shoulder. He didn’t hug her back though, even as he felt her arms wrap around him and gently cradle his still-small body. Ajax usually felt safe here, like his mom could protect him from anything merely by hugging him. But for some reason, he just found himself wishing it was Pulcinella instead of her.
“They don’t hate you.” His mother whispered, her hand rubbing over Ajax’s back. “They’re still getting used to knowing what’s happened. Give them some time.”
Ajax knew that wasn’t true. Things would never be the same again, they changed the second Ajax fell into the Abyss. He would never have his family back, and only hoped to be able to be there while Teucer grew up. And that Teucer grew up without the knowledge of the horrible things Ajax did.
But he didn’t say that.
Ajax didn’t say anything, actually. He simply rested there, listening to his mother speak about everything he missed — apparently, Troilus had a new boyfriend, and that was why he would be late. Thanatos was out doing ‘work stuff’, and that’s his reason. It was almost nice to hear that everything was the same as it had been before.
But at the same time, nothing was the same, and that understanding pierced him deeper than Anthon calling him a monster.
A knock on the door stopped his mother from speaking. Ajax looked up to see Pulcinella in the doorway, leaning on his cane with a tight-lipped smile that didn’t reach their eyes. His mom let go of him, pat him gently on the head and rose to her feet. Only to dip down in a bow, a visible frown on her face.
“Get up.” Pulcinella commanded without even looking at her. Their gaze was focused on Ajax instead. “Your father wants you out here now, Thanatos just arrived.”
Ajax bit at his lip anxiously, his gaze darting between his mom — who had risen once more — and Pulcinella, before finally settling on the latter. He nodded quietly and followed them out the door, a pool of anxiety blossoming in his stomach. Thanatos was never home often and it had been that way the moment he turned 18, leaving home when Ajax was little in order to pursue his own career.
He hadn’t seen Thanatos in forever. How would their first meeting in ages go? Would Thanatos look at him the same way Anthon and Tonia did, his lip curled in disgust? Or was it going to be okay, and he’d hug Ajax and tell him how much he missed him.
Thanatos wasn’t an emotional person. It wouldn’t be the latter.
The living room was still cold from the door being open for a good 5 minutes when Thanatos first arrived. Ajax rubbed his arms as he walked in, his gaze landing on his eldest brother. He was tall, almost as tall as their dad. And big too, with broad shoulders and a muscular frame.
Ajax was not expecting to be squeezed into a tight hug the second Thanatos spotted him. His chest felt warm at the fact that his brother didn’t shun him like Tonia and Anthon; but the fact that his brother, who spent Ajax’s entire life being more blunt than Tonia could ever dream to be, was hugging him with tears in the corners of his eyes was almost worrying.
“Ajax,” Thanatos put him down finally, a grin stretched wide across his face. “It's been forever.”
Ajax nodded, a hesitant smile on his own face. He wasn’t sure what to say. “I — Yeah, it has,” he finally managed. “I’ve been really busy with work, that’s all.”
Thanatos’ nod was solemn, but the grin on his face never faded. He patted Ajax on the back once, before going to greet his mom instead, leaving Ajax completely baffled. Ajax stared after his eldest brother, trying to figure out where things changed. To no avail, unfortunately.
The dinner table was silent. Troilus had yet to arrive, and with Pulcinella sitting beside Ajax personally, it was rather awkward for everyone. Everyone except for Teucer that was. He seemed to be having the time of his life on the other side of the table from Ajax, sticking his legs out as far back as they could to kick Ajax in the legs.
Until his father put a hand on his shoulder, and Teucer stilled almost immediately. Ajax looked up from his food, expecting his dad to say something. But he said nothing and didn’t even meet Ajax’s eyes, looking away swiftly the second Ajax tried to make eye contact. He tried to ignore how this hurt.
A few minutes later, Tonia spoke up, though her voice was quiet and she didn’t look up from her plate. “Ajax, I’m sorry for earlier.”
Before Ajax could speak up to tell her it was all okay, that she was forgiven and he was sorry too, Anthon slammed his fist into the table. His eyes were bright with a newfound frustration, and he was glaring at Tonia like her apology had personally offended him. Ajax wanted to start crying again. Or even better, to vanish and never come back to see his family so hurt.
“Don’t apologize to him, Tonia!” Anthon was yelling. He never yelled. “He’s a— monster, damn it! He doesn’t deserve it.”
Their dad suddenly shushed them all, casting a desperate glance towards Pulcinella. But the damage was already done.
Ajax startled when Pulcinella suddenly stood up from beside him, turning to look up at them. The anger in their eyes was fierce but contained, and they even spoke calmly to Ajax.
“We’re leaving.”
“But —” Ajax’s protest was interrupted.
“No. If they can’t treat you like family would, we’re leaving. I’ll make you dinner back home.”
Anthon was staring at Pulcinella as if they’d grown three heads, before letting out a harsh laugh, standing up on his chair. “Home? Are you fucking crazy?”
Tonia’s whispered hiss telling Anthon to shut up went ignored by everyone there.
“I mean, good, get the fuck out,” Anthon continued, his voice an emotional rush, as if he knew the extent of what he was saying and it was too late to turn back, “I don’t care if you leave. I want you gone, even. But don’t call that place a home. It won’t ever be home for Ajax.”
Pulcinella was quiet for a long moment when Anthon finally finished. The silence was painful and all eyes were on them, as if fearing for their own lives. And Anthon’s, probably.
But, finally, Pulcinella reacted. It was a swift reaction, a single stride forwards to shove Anthon back with their cane. He stumbled and had to catch himself on the wall behind him, but did not fall or appear hurt. Ajax’s heart was pounding, though he could do nothing but watch. It was like he was frozen in time, and apparently everyone else was too.
“Shut your mouth, boy,” Pulcinella snapped, voice sharp. “You’re lucky Ajax cares about you lot, otherwise I could have had you executed. You just broke a law, and a very major one at that.”
Their gaze turned on Ajax, some of the anger in their eyes relaxing into calmness. “Come on, son, let's go home.”
The usage of the word ‘son’ seemed to shock the family more. Ajax was used to it by now, the second Pulcinella began seeing him as more of their child than their subordinate, they’d begin to use it. But, apparently, no one in his family had known of this. Ajax considered that a small triumph as he obediently went to put on his coat again.
The sense of triumph faded as soon as it was there. Ajax didn’t want to go so early, he wanted to stay — he hadn’t even gotten to see Troilus! — but he knew there was no point. His family didn’t want him there, even if Anthon was the only one who had openly admitted it.
There was no place left in his family for a monster, after all.
—
The ride back home was quiet. Ajax sat beside Pulcinella and the two of them ate a quick snack they’d picked up.
Neither of them were really hungry. Ajax couldn’t stop thinking about the disappointment and anger in everyone’s eyes as he followed Pulcinella out the door.
Hopefully next time went much better.