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The Apprentice thought that arriving in London would bring some relief to the restlessness in his chest. Instead, he found himself even more confused and frustrated than before.
Looking back, it made sense that the answers didn’t come so easily… Yet, as he worked endlessly as a seaman, with barely enough food to eat and time to rest, he hoped it would all come to an end as soon as he found his way to London—that it would all make sense.
The Apprentice rested his quill, standing up. Barok van Zieks had left for a meeting a few hours earlier, so, with little else to do, he approached that large window. He touched the glass with his gloved hand, watching the streets below. Unfamiliar… all of it.
There’s a reason I’m here… Something I have to do… But what is it?
Maybe it would be better if he couldn’t hear that voice… He got used to not knowing anything about himself, but that constant feeling of almost remembering something, only for it to escape through his fingers, leaving behind nothing but a sharp headache… It was too frustrating.
He closed his eyes, trying to find something behind that pain. He knew there was something there… He could see it like vague shapes hidden amid a dense fog. If only he could get closer…
“There is something you must do in London.”
Yes, I know. But what is it…? Just give me something… Any hint…
Nothing. He slowly let out his breath, a sudden feeling of exhaustion taking his entire body.
“Apprentice?”
The Apprentice looked over his shoulder. He had been so distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t hear the door opening. Barok was there, a few steps away from him, looking at him with an unreadable expression. The Apprentice bowed his head in apology, then made his way back to his desk. He expected the day to go on as usual after that, with both of them in silence, focusing only on their work. Instead, he heard Barok’s steps approaching him until he was standing by his side.
“It’s unlike you to look this distracted,” said Barok. “Is something bothering you?”
The Apprentice shook his head. Somehow, he knew that wasn’t something he should share with others—and, even if he did, it certainly wouldn’t help. Barok van Zieks was a remarkable prosecutor, but they were still little more than strangers… If anything, his cold attitude made it clear that, if it hadn’t been for Lord Stronghart’s direct orders, he wouldn’t have taken anyone under his wing. And, as if that wasn’t enough to make the Apprentice feel like a burden, until he found a proper place to stay, he would be living in a spare bedroom in Barok’s residence. For those reasons, he did what he could to stay out of Barok’s way, and be helpful however he could.
But Barok didn’t walk away, looking at the Apprentice for a while. “I don’t want to be your mentor just in name.” He made a small pause. “You can talk to me.”
The Apprentice wasn’t expecting such a suggestion, especially from a man who seemed to resent him.
“Is there anything I can do?” Barok insisted.
The Apprentice thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Sorry, I…”
He stopped talking, unsure of what to say. Barok gave him a few more seconds before speaking again. “Don’t apologize. But tell me if there is something you need.”
The Apprentice nodded. Barok turned around, walking back to his desk.
“Sir…” said the Apprentice.
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
Barok simply looked at him for a few seconds. “I did nothing to deserve your gratitude.”
You did… He almost said those words, but chose to stay silent. It was difficult to explain, but after so many months with people barely glancing in his direction, Barok’s subtle kindness meant more than he could hope to express.
After their work hours came to an end, the two of them made their way back to Barok’s residence.
“This reminds me…” said Barok as they walked inside. “We still need to find a proper place for you to stay.”
The Apprentice nodded. Truth was, he didn’t want to leave. Barok, his house, his office… Those places were the only things in London that gave him any semblance of familiarity. To be, once again, in an unknown place… He didn’t like the idea.
But he chose not to bother Barok with it.
He woke up in the middle of that night with a slight but persistent headache. At first, he tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but soon it became clear that it wasn’t an option. He left the bed, wearing his mask before making his way downstairs with light steps. To his surprise, he found Barok already there, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in his hand. Their gazes met, and for a few seconds, neither said a word.
“Lost your sleep as well?” asked Barok, and the Apprentice nodded. “Come, take a seat.”
He did as Barok said, sitting next to him. Barok observed him for a moment.
“Do you drink?”
Do I? It was frustrating how he couldn’t remember even simple things like that. Unsure of the answer, he slowly shook his head.
“Do you want some tea, then?” asked Barok. “It might help with your sleep.”
This time, the Apprentice agreed. Barok rested his glass of wine on the table, then walked to the kitchen. The Apprentice almost followed him, but stopped himself, unsure if his presence would be welcome. He stayed on the couch, waiting quietly until Barok came back with a cup of tea, offering it to the Apprentice before filling a new glass of wine for himself. For a few minutes, the two of them drank in silence, and the hot tea seemed to warm the Apprentice’s entire body, making him relax.
The silence persisted even after they finished their drinks, but neither of them was willing to break it. His headache persisted, making him bring a hand to his head.
“What’s the matter?” asked Barok.
“It’s just a headache.”
“Is it too strong?” He sounded concerned. “I can accompany you to the hospital if you need.”
The Apprentice shook his head. “It happens sometimes.”
“I see.” Barok thought for a moment. “Doesn’t wearing that mask make it worse?”
“Lord Stronghart ordered me to never take it off.”
“I know,” said Barok. “But it’s just the two of us here.”
The suggestion surprised him. “Won’t it be a problem?”
“No. You don’t need to worry.”
The Apprentice had the feeling there was something other than kindness in Barok’s insistence; yet, he ended up doing as he suggested, reaching for that mask, taking it off.
Barok observed him, furrowing his brow. “As I thought… You’re a Nipponese man.”
The Apprentice looked at him. “Nipponese…?”
Barok nodded. “You came a long way from your homeland… I wonder why.”
“Me too.” He paused. “Lord van Zieks… Do you know anything about me?”
“Not more than you do, unfortunately.”
Something in his tone bothered the Apprentice. “Is that the truth?”
Barok didn’t answer for a few seconds, then sighed. “Years ago, a group of Nipponese students came to London as well. It’s difficult not to think about them when I look at you. It makes me wonder if there’s a connection, regardless of how unlikely this is.”
“A connection…” the Apprentice repeated, thinking about those words. “Who were they?”
Suddenly, Barok seemed hesitant to continue. “You shouldn’t concern yourself with it. It’s unlikely that there is a connection.”
He seemed about to let the conversation die there, but the Apprentice couldn’t let it end like that. “Even so… It’s all I have right now.” He met Barok’s gaze. “Please.”
Barok considered it for a moment, then sighed. “Seishiro Jigoku, Yujin Mikotoba, and…” Barok lowered his voice, a shadow covering his face. “Genshin Asogi.”
There was a spark inside the Apprentice’s head, making his heart jump. Barok seemed to notice it, looking at him with a surprised expression.
“Do you recognize these names?” asked Barok. “Which one?”
“I’m not sure… I…” None of them sounded unfamiliar, but one of them seemed to weigh painfully in his chest. “Genshin…”
Barok stared at him with his mouth half-open. “No… this can’t be…”
Something about his voice bothered the Apprentice. “Sir…?”
But Barok didn’t seem to hear him. “Your face, your age…” he muttered under his breath. “It has to be a coincidence.”
“Do you know something about me?” asked the Apprentice. “Please… tell me.”
Barok’s expression froze as his eyes met the Apprentice’s. “Does the name Kazuma Asogi mean anything to you?”
“Kazuma…” It was too familiar… As if he had heard many people call him by it throughout his entire life. “That’s my… That’s my name, isn’t it…?”
In an instant, Barok raised his hand, grabbing his shoulder with considerable force. He looked at the Apprentice with narrowed eyes and gritted teeth.
“Lord van Zieks…?”
“I knew it…” Barok grunted. “I knew something was wrong the moment I saw you.”
“Why?”
“Asogi…”
Barok tightened the grip on his shoulder. Instinctively, the Apprentice reached for Barok’s wrist, trying to move his hand away. Barok widened his eyes, glancing at his own hand as if only then realizing what he was doing. He pulled it away, averting his gaze.
“Forgive me…” he said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
The Apprentice instinctively moved away from him. Neither of them spoke for a long while.
“Did I do something to anger you?” asked the Apprentice.
“No…” Barok sighed. “You didn’t.”
The Apprentice nodded, still apprehensive. “Asogi… You said the name Genshin Asogi.”
“Indeed.”
“Who is he?”
Barok’s expression darkened again. “I cannot tell you.”
“But we have the same name.” The Apprentice thought for a few seconds. “Is he… someone I know?”
Barok shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said anything… That man has ruined enough lives already.”
“What do you mean?”
More silence.
“Sir…?” he insisted.
Barok looked at him. “If you really are Kazuma Asogi, then I know why you came here.”
Those words made his heart jump. “You do…?” He approached Barok, unable to act cautiously in such a situation. “Tell me, then!”
“Before I tell you anything, I need you to understand… You cannot tell anyone about this, or even about your real identity.” Barok met his gaze. “Do you understand?”
“Why not?”
“It may put you in danger.” Barok made a brief pause. “Can you give me your word?”
“Yes,” he said. “I give you my word, so… Please, tell me.”
Barok stayed silent for a long while, and the Apprentice chose not to rush him. Then, he finally narrated the events from ten years before, including the gruesome way Genshin Asogi got rid of his victims—and also that the final victim of that killer was his own brother, Klint van Zieks.
By the end of it, the Apprentice felt as if he was sinking. “Is it… really true?”
“Yes, unfortunately.”
The Apprentice lowered his gaze. “My father…”
It was still difficult to accept. He had no memories of that man, but, to think that someone related to him could go that far… He brought both hands to his face, lowering his head, unable to say anything else.
“I’m sorry,” said Barok close to him. “You probably came all the way here to find a different answer.”
His voice made the Apprentice look at him. “Did you know from the beginning?”
“I had my suspicions,” Barok admitted, “but I hoped I was wrong.”
The Apprentice nodded slowly, his mind still filled with that tale. “What should I do now?”
“That’s your choice to make.”
Somehow, he expected that answer. He met Barok’s gaze, slightly hesitant. “Can I stay with you?”
Barok stayed silent. Only then did the true weight of that story fall upon the Apprentice: Barok’s brother… murdered by his father.
“I see…” he muttered. “I’m sorry for asking.”
His words made Barok widen his eyes. “No, that’s not what I…” He stopped talking, letting out a tired sigh. “You’re still my apprentice, of course you can stay.”
The Apprentice looked at him for a while. It’s not that simple… It would be impossible for either of them to go back to how they were before that conversation, or pretend that what happened in the past wouldn’t affect their relationship.
However, Barok was a kind man… Kind enough to offer him a place to stay even after learning the truth. That thought weighed in the Apprentice’s chest.
“I’ll return to my bedroom now.” He stood up, bowing slightly in Barok’s direction. “Thank you for telling me the truth, Lord van Zieks.”
He left the room before Barok could say anything else, making his way back upstairs. Truth was, he had no idea of what to do… Even if he left Barok’s residence, where else could he go? Was there even a place for someone like him in London? Was there any reason left for him to stay there?
The Apprentice sat on the bed, lowering his head. My father…
That felt so wrong… Like it couldn’t be real. The more he thought about it, the more his mind rejected the idea—yet, he knew Barok had no reason to lie to him. Barok’s brother…
He knew the man only from that portrait, at which Barok would sometimes gaze with a sorrowful expression. They were different in their appearances, but there was something about him that still reminded the Apprentice of his mentor. He was someone important to Barok… Someone he clearly missed.
Father… Why did you have to do something like that…?
He couldn’t understand… The more he tried, the more everything seemed to crumble inside him. It would be impossible to sleep that night… He hoped he could, if only to silence those thoughts for a short while.
The Apprentice couldn’t tell how much time passed before he reached his limit. No matter how much he tried to find a reason for his father’s actions, there were no answers to be found in his empty mind. The only thing he knew was that he couldn’t stay in that place another minute… If he did, he would probably suffocate.
He stood up, placing his few belongings in a small suitcase Barok gave him, then left the bedroom quietly. There were no lights or sounds coming from the lower floor, which was a relief… The last thing he wanted was to see Barok again.
So, he made his way downstairs, approaching the back door.
Where was he even going?
Does it matter?
No… Not really.
The Apprentice reached for the key, hesitating for just a second before turning it—to his surprise, the door was already unlocked. He should have known what that meant, but didn’t give himself enough time to think, opening the door, walking outside.
Barok was there, just a few steps away from him, in the middle of what seemed to be a nightly walk. He stared at the Apprentice, seeming surprised. “Asogi…?”
The Apprentice’s chest tightened, and he averted his gaze. “I thought you went back to sleep.”
Barok didn’t answer, simply observing him for a moment. “Where are you going?”
It took the Apprentice a moment to find an answer. “Home.”
“Where?”
“Japan, I think.”
Barok furrowed his brow. “Do you even have the money for that?”
“No,” he admitted. “But I’ve made my way here before. I’m sure I’ll find my way back.”
Barok briefly closed his eyes, bringing a hand to his head. “Don’t be a fool,” he sighed. “You’re not going anywhere.”
The certainty in his words annoyed the Apprentice, who narrowed his eyes at him. “You can’t decide that for me.”
Barok didn’t match his defiant tone, observing him with a calm expression. “Is this because of what I told you?”
The Apprentice stayed quiet for a moment. “I know I can’t stay here.”
“I told you that—”
“Please, stop,” he asked in a firm voice. “I just want to put an end to this.”
“And I can’t allow you to leave this place,” said Barok. “You’re still my responsibility.”
“Not if I’m not your apprentice.”
Barok groaned to himself, frustrated. “Why are you being so stubborn?”
The Apprentice averted his gaze. “You know the reason.”
A heavy silence grew between them. The Apprentice turned away, but before he could start walking, Barok placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Listen, Asogi…” he said. “I don’t blame you, nor hate you… But I’ll never forgive him, and you…” He lowered his voice. “Looking at you makes me think of him. You must understand how difficult it is.”
His pained tone made the Apprentice’s chest feel heavy. “I do,” he murmured. “And I don’t want you to feel this way. Not because of me.”
“Is that why…?”
The Apprentice looked at Barok over his shoulder, offering him a faint smile. “Thank you for everything you did for me. I wish I could repay you somehow.”
But Barok didn’t let go of his shoulder. “Wait… We should discuss this more calmly.”
“There is no need to—”
“Asogi,” Barok interrupted him. “If I allow you to leave like this, it will haunt me for the rest of my days.”
The Apprentice went silent. “That’s not what I—”
“I know.”
For a moment, they simply looked at each other, as if unsure of what else to say.
“What should I do, then?” asked the Apprentice in a low voice.
“I told you, it’s fine for you to stay.”
“Is it really, though?”
Barok nodded slowly. “Yes. This is something I need to deal with myself.”
It still didn’t feel right, but… “Is there anything I can do?” he asked in a low voice. “To make things better.”
“No,” said Barok. “And you already have too much on your shoulders right now.”
His words made the Apprentice’s stomach turn. “That’s… not true. I can’t even remember him. It’s like hearing about a complete stranger.” He made a small pause. “I came all the way here because of him, but now… I don’t even know how I should feel.”
It was true… As if he was mourning for someone he didn’t even know—or maybe for the loving family he once hoped to remember, but didn’t exist. He couldn’t call his feelings sadness, or anger… Instead, it felt like an aching emptiness, accompanied by countless questions that would never be answered.
“Give yourself time,” said Barok. “Come, let’s go for a walk. It should help clear your mind.”
The Apprentice agreed, following his mentor around the garden. As reassuring as Barok’s words could be, however, a heavy feeling lingered in his chest, like a bad omen. “Lord van Zieks…”
“Yes?”
He hesitated briefly. “Didn’t you consider that I could be like him?” He lowered his gaze. “If the reason why I came here is to do something like what he did—”
“I don’t think that is the case,” said Barok. “Besides, if this worries you, it means that your heart is in the right place.”
Part of him couldn’t help but wonder if Barok truly believed those words, or if he simply wanted to believe them. Either way, the Apprentice wouldn’t betray that trust, regardless of what his old self had in mind. “I hope so.”
Barok observed him for a moment. “Asogi…”
The name brought a bitter taste to the Apprentice’s mind. If what Barok said was true, then… “Lord van Zieks…” He interrupted in a low voice. “Could you not call me by that name?”
Barok seemed surprised by the request. “Of course…” He thought for a second. “Is Kazuma fine with you, then?”
“Yes.”
Barok nodded, then took a moment to find the words. “We both once trusted someone we shouldn’t have… It probably changed your entire life, as it did mine.” A brief pause. “I want to put an end to this… I’m tired of spending my days feeling nothing but grief and resentment.”
Unsure of how to respond, the Apprentice simply nodded.
“I don’t know why you’re here,” Barok proceeded, “and I cannot forgive Genshin for what he did. But you’re not him. You’re my apprentice, and I’ve chosen to believe you are better than he was.” He stopped talking, meeting the Apprentice’s gaze. “All I ask is that you don’t betray my trust.”
The Apprentice nodded. “I won’t.”
Barok showed a faint smile. They walked in silence for a few more minutes before he spoke again. “Come, we should go back inside.”
The Apprentice agreed, following Barok without another word.
At first, Kazuma thought the truth about his identity would form a wall of regret and resentment between them. Instead, it seemed to bring them closer.
As the months went by, he slowly gave up on ever recovering his memories—but, to his own surprise, he was fine with it. Now he knew he had nothing worth remembering in his old life… Maybe it was for the best that it was all lost: now, at least, he had a chance to start anew.
And he owed it all to Barok. That man could have sent him away, or worse, and Kazuma wouldn’t have blamed him. Instead, he offered Kazuma nothing but kindness and understanding. It made Kazuma grow fond of him—more each day.
The thought made Kazuma smile as he offered an apple slice to one of the bats, that ate it from his hand.
“It seems like they’ve grown fond of you,” observed Barok.
Kazuma nodded, satisfied. “It took some work… And a bunch of sliced fruits.”
“They are similar to you in that aspect…” said Barok. “You also started to trust me more after I bought you dinner a few times.”
Kazuma simply stared at him for a moment. “You’re exaggerating.”
“Am I?”
The hint of amusement in Barok’s voice made Kazuma narrow his eyes. “So, in short, I’m just another bat in this office…”
“And quite a troublesome one, I must add.”
“How kind of you, sir.”
Barok’s expression slowly softened into a slight smile. “Forgive me… But your reactions are always amusing.”
It was rare to see such an expression on his face… And, the few times he did, it was during those playful exchanges. Kazuma couldn’t deny how glad it made him: he cared for Barok… Above all the guilty and gratitude he felt for that man, Kazuma simply wanted him to be happy.
Without thinking much, Kazuma approached his desk. Barok followed his movements with his gaze as Kazuma brought a hand to his face, lightly touching his hair.
“Kazuma…”
Barok’s low voice made him feel warm: of course, when they were in public or had company, he was still the Apprentice. But when alone, be it in the office or Barok’s residence, he was always Kazuma.
“Yes, my lord?”
Barok didn’t say anything else. Kazuma took off his mask, observing Barok’s face for a few seconds. Then, he leaned forward, placing a light kiss on his scar. Barok rested his hand on Kazuma’s waist—a quiet confirmation that never failed to bring both joy and uneasiness to Kazuma’s heart.
He deserved a chance to be happy too, didn’t he? Despite the horrible things that his father did… Despite the fact that he couldn’t remember his life before the past two years… Despite that feeling of restlessness inside him that refused to go away… He wanted a chance to live as his new self, with that person that came to mean the world to him.
Just a little bit of happiness… It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?