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At first, Kazuma didn’t think he would come to appreciate the quiet days he spent with Barok in his office. Yet, as the time passed, that man’s presence became a welcome, even comforting one.
It took him a while to get used to Barok’s reserved nature. He was too used to spending time with Ryunosuke, who was nothing but friendly and spontaneous—sometimes to a fault. Unlike him, Barok rarely allowed his feelings to show in his expression, which made it difficult for Kazuma to know what was going through his mind most of the time.
Instead of expecting Barok to verbalize his emotions, however, Kazuma slowly learned to read the small changes in his expressions, and to find the traces of unspoken feelings in his words. It wasn’t always easy, and many times it took him a while to realize that something was amiss, but he felt that, in the two years since he became Barok’s apprentice, he came to understand that man more than most people could.
He rested his quill, standing up and walking toward Barok’s desk. Barok raised his head, looking at him. “Are you done?”
“Yes.”
Kazuma handed him his report, and Barok offered him a slight smile. “Good job.”
“Thank you, sir.” Kazuma returned the smile. “It’s rare for you to be generous with compliments.”
“I wouldn’t want them to lose their value.”
Really…? Kazuma crossed his arms. “You couldn’t have come up with a more obvious excuse if you tried…”
Barok met his gaze, seeming amused. “I see your attitude is back.”
Kazuma had to hold back a grin. “I wouldn’t want my politeness to lose its value, sir.”
A low chuckle left Barok’s lips. “Fair enough.”
Barok turned his attention back to that report, and Kazuma looked outside through the window. The sky had a dark gray color, and the low rumbling that preceded a thunderstorm could already be heard.
“It seems like a storm is coming,” said Kazuma.
Barok didn’t look away from the report. “Indeed.”
As the seconds passed, it became clear that was all the response Kazuma would get. “Shouldn’t we leave before it starts?”
“I still have some work left.” Barok briefly raised his eyes, looking at him. “But you may leave for today.”
Kazuma didn’t like that idea… If he wasn’t there to keep an eye on Barok, that man would probably spend the entire night on that chair, working until exhaustion.
“No,” he said, “I still have work to do as well.” He glanced at the sky again. “We shouldn’t wait for too long, though.”
“Understood.”
Barok didn’t say anything else, so Kazuma returned to his desk as well. Not even an hour later, like a fulfilled prophecy, the storm came, accompanied by a strong wind.
“Seems like we’re trapped here for the time being,” said Kazuma.
Barok looked outside in time to see a flash of light cut the sky, followed by thunder. “My apologies… I didn’t think it would be this strong.”
“It’s fine,” said Kazuma. “I’m the one who chose to stay, anyway…” He narrowed his eyes at Barok. “But I hope you’ll remember this next time I suggest you go home early, my lord.”
The slight sharpness in his last words made Barok lower his gaze. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Kazuma’s expression softened: it was difficult to stay mad at him when he reacted like that… “Don’t worry so much, it’s not the end of the world.” He offered Barok a slight smile. “Might as well get some work done while I wait.”
Barok nodded. “Don’t overdo it.”
“Same to you.”
The hours passed, and, by the time they would usually be leaving the office, the storm had only become stronger.
“It doesn’t seem like it’ll end anytime soon,” said Kazuma.
“Unfortunately.” Barok approached the window with a deeply furrowed brow. “If it continues like this, we’ll have no choice but to spend the night here.”
Kazuma sighed: he wanted nothing but a warm plate of food and his bed at that moment. “I wish I had a book.”
“Yes… It’ll be quite the long night.”
Kazuma tried to focus on his work for a while longer, but, at some point, his exhausted mind seemed unable to function properly. Barok probably felt the same way, since soon he left his desk, walking to the cabinet where he kept his bottles of wine, opening one.
“Care to accompany me?” he asked.
Well… why not?
“Sure.”
Kazuma briefly organized his desk before approaching Barok, who offered him a chalice, filling it. He took a sip: as usual, Barok’s private collection tasted much better than anything he had tried before.
“Do you like it?” asked Barok.
Kazuma nodded. “It’s good.”
“Of course.”
Barok seemed to expect something else, which made Kazuma chuckle. “I wish I could say more, but my knowledge of wines doesn’t go beyond ‘I like it’ or ‘I don’t.’”
Those words made Barok show a slight, amused smile. “Next time you wonder why I won’t allow you to touch my collection without supervision, here is the answer.”
“Very well, Lord van Zieks…” Kazuma narrowed his eyes at him. “Starting tomorrow, you can go back to moving those casks all on your own. Some backache should be good for your humbleness.”
“So bitter…”
“You’ve earned it.”
“Your reaction was worth my future backaches.” Barok refilled his chalice, then glanced at Kazuma’s, which was also empty. “More?”
“Please.”
They kept talking and drinking for the following minutes, and after a while, moved to the couch. Soon, Barok was filling their chalices for the third time.
“I wish I had your resistance,” said Kazuma. “A little more and I’ll probably start to say embarrassing things.”
“Sounds like an entertaining way to past the time.”
“Not for me.”
Barok observed him for a moment. “You’re surprisingly weak to alcohol.”
Kazuma shrugged. “In my defense, I spent the past few years too busy studying law to build up my alcohol resistance.”
To his surprise, Barok went silent. “Ah, of course…” He lowered his voice. “Sometimes I forget how young you are.”
His words made Kazuma stare at him. “Are we really going back to condescending comments, sir?”
Barok shook his head. “No, that’s not what I meant…” He made a brief pause, taking another sip from his chalice before continuing in a lower voice. “When everything happened, ten years ago, I was already a grown adult. But you… You were only a child. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been.”
Oh… So that was what he had in mind. Years later, Kazuma still didn’t know how to deal with that subject. “It was difficult, but I think I turned out well enough.” He forced a half-smile. “Or at least as close to well as I could.”
Kazuma meant to break the tension with that self-deprecating comment, but Barok stayed serious, keeping his eyes on him. “You’re an honorable man of unquestionable character. To say you’ve turned out well is an understatement.”
He… wasn’t expecting a response like that. “I appreciate your words, sir.” Kazuma averted his gaze. “But you saw me at my worst before… That angry, resentful person is part of me as well, and I must make sure it doesn’t take over again.”
Barok observed him for a few seconds, then moved slightly closer, placing a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder. “Kazuma… I don’t blame you for hating me back then. I wouldn’t even blame you for hating me now.”
His words made Kazuma’s heart sting. “Please, don’t say that. You don’t deserve my hate, or anyone else’s.”
“Many would disagree.”
“And they’re wrong.” Kazuma’s voice sounded louder than he expected. He shook his head, glancing inside his once again empty chalice. “I think I’ll have another one, after all.”
“Don’t force yourself.”
“I’m not.” Kazuma sighed. “But sometimes it’s hard to talk to you while sober.”
Barok simply looked at him for a moment, a hint of concern in his expression. “Did I offend you in any way?”
Kazuma met his gaze. “No… But I wish you would listen to me for a change.”
“I’m listening.”
Before continuing, Kazuma reached for the bottle, filling his chalice. Barok opened his mouth but didn’t protest, simply waiting for him to speak. Kazuma took a deep breath, trying to clear his already tipsy mind.
“I hoped that, by now, you would’ve changed your mind about that.”
“About what?” asked Barok.
“That you deserve the hatred people feel for you.”
Barok didn’t answer. Kazuma took another sip. For a long minute, the only sound in the office was the one of the rain against the window.
“I’ve made many mistakes in my life,” said Barok, finally. “I may not be the demigod of death, as many believed… But I still carry many regrets in my chest.” He absentmindedly reached for Klint’s badge. “I cannot blame people for hating me, or this disturbing image of me that I never fought against.”
Kazuma kept his gaze on his chalice, watching the red liquid twirl, his thoughts far from it. “I disagree.” He raised his eyes, looking at Barok. “They know you’re innocent… They don’t have the right to keep accusing you of something you didn’t do just because…” The words escaped him, and he clicked his tongue, annoyed. “They can’t blame you for something they chose to believe. You…” He lowered his voice. “You did nothing wrong.”
Barok showed a sad smile. “That’s not true, but… it brings me peace to know that’s how you feel.” He made a pause. “I don’t mind what others say about me, as long as I have those dear to me on my side.”
Kazuma wanted to argue, but that last part caught him off-guard. He couldn’t hold back a slight smile. “Am I included in that?”
A small chuckle left Barok’s lips. “Do I really need to answer?”
Kazuma knew he wouldn’t receive a proper answer, but it didn’t bother him. He drank again from his chalice, emptying it. “I don’t think we’re that different, in a way,” he murmured. “I used to… not think too highly of myself. Even when I was close to people I cared about, part of me felt like I didn’t deserve them. That I was lying…” His own words weighed in his heart. “That they would leave as soon as they saw who I truly was.”
Barok looked at his face. “Is it different now?”
He had to think for a moment before finding an answer. “It’s a little weird, to be honest.”
“What do you mean?”
Kazuma moved closer to Barok until their arms were lightly touching. Barok watched him, but didn’t try to move away.
“You clearly don’t think too highly of yourself either, my lord,” said Kazuma. “But I… I still hope you would. After everything you went through, you deserve some happiness. You… deserve to be loved.” He made a pause. “And the more I thought about it, the more I… How do I even say this without sounding self-centered?” He forced a small, nervous laugh. “It made me think that, maybe, I too deserve to be loved.”
Barok simply looked at him, quiet. His lack of reaction made Kazuma force another laugh, if only to break the silence.
“Sorry,” he said, “the subject became emotional all of a sudden.”
“Is that how you feel?”
Barok’s serious voice made Kazuma’s laugh fade, becoming no more than a faint smile. “Yes.” He met Barok’s gaze. “Does it sound foolish?”
“No…” Barok looked away. “Not in the least.”
Silence. A feeling of restlessness quickly grew inside Kazuma’s chest. He raised his empty chalice. “I need another one.”
“Kazuma…”
“If I don’t get drunk, I’ll run outside out of embarrassment.”
Barok arched his eyebrow. “In the middle of a storm?”
“Do you doubt it?”
“I don’t.” He sighed. “Very well, but this will be your last one.”
“That’s fair.”
He filled their chalices again, emptying the bottle. The silence persisted, but before Kazuma had the chance to break it again, Barok did.
“It’s true that, for years, I thought it would be better for me to spend the rest of my days alone. It took me a long while to realize it… or maybe accept it, but now I can see that I’m surrounded by people who care about me and my well-being.” He made a brief pause. “It’s strange to admit it, but I came to fear the loneliness.”
“I… understand.”
Barok took a sip of wine, looking toward the window. “This change was, in great part, caused by you.” He showed a tiny smile. “There’s no one I’d rather be stuck in an office during a storm with.”
His words were so unexpected and sweet that Kazuma couldn’t help but laugh briefly. “I agree. But I’d still rather be able to go home.”
“Indeed.” Barok made a long pause. “I enjoy your company.”
He was happy to hear those words, of course… Yet, something about them made his chest hurt. “Do you?”
“It shouldn’t be surprising,” answered Barok. “I apologize if sometimes I go too far with my teasing. I simply enjoy talking to you… Seeing how you react to the foolish things I say.”
“Why are you apologizing? I’m always doing the same thing.”
“That’s true.” Barok finally looked again at him. “You were always honest to me… Sometimes painfully so. I believe that’s one of the reasons why I find it so easy to talk to you.”
His honest words only made those feelings in Kazuma’s chest seem to overflow, spreading throughout his entire body. He placed his empty chalice on the table. “Excuse me for a moment…” Then, without another word, he lay down on the couch, with his head on Barok’s lap.
“Kazuma…?” Barok’s body tensed up, his eyes widening with surprise. “What are you…? Did the wine already have an effect on you?”
Kazuma covered his eyes with an arm, not wanting to look at Barok’s face. “I’m not that weak, my lord.”
“Is that so?”
“Are you doubting my words?”
“No…” He heard Barok’s low sigh. “Only your tolerance to alcohol.”
Kazuma lowered his arm, looking at Barok, who also had his eyes on him. Kazuma thought he was good at reading that man’s face, but, once again, his expression was unreadable… “Sometimes I can’t tell what’s going through your mind…” he whispered in a frustrated voice.
“I should be the one saying that.”
Without giving himself time to hesitate, Kazuma raised his hand, lightly touching Barok’s cheek with his fingertips. “Barok…”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
The words came out more easily than he thought they would. Barok looked at him, silent, for a long time. Then, he averted his gaze. “You’re drunker than I thought.”
Kazuma’s heart sank. “It’s the truth…” He sighed. “But it’s also true that, if it wasn’t for the wine, I wouldn’t have gathered the courage to admit it.” He made a small pause. “It’s fine that you don’t feel the same way… I just thought you should know that, to me, you are… You’re more important than my own life. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”
“Kazuma…”
“I’d do anything to erase all the pain you’ve been through…” Kazuma continued. “Anything. But I… Most of the time, I have no idea of what to do. I can only stay by your side and hope you’ll rely on me when you need.”
Barok hesitated, then reached for Kazuma’s hand, carefully holding it. “You’ve done much for me already. I would never dare to hope for more.”
“Do you want more?”
Barok didn’t answer for a few seconds. “We shouldn’t be having this conversation now… You’re drunk.”
“I’m telling you, I…” Kazuma stopped himself, letting out a resigned growl: no matter what he said, Barok wouldn’t believe him. Besides… He was a little drunk, yes—not that being aware of it made things any less frustrating. “You never make things easier for me, do you?”
“It’s not intentional.”
“I know.”
Still, Barok didn’t let go of his hand, giving him a hope he was scared of letting grow. “Barok… If you don’t feel the same way, can you at least reject me properly, then?”
“We’ll have this conversation later.”
“Fine.”
He tried to sit up, but Barok brought his hand to his chest, keeping him in place. “No… You can stay like this.”
Kazuma didn’t argue. Part of him knew it would be better to not feed those hopes, but the feeling of Barok close to him made him want to.
Kazuma woke up to a faint, but persistent headache. Not wanting to leave the bed yet, he stayed still, with his eyes closed—he was still tired, and his body felt warm and comfortable. He was already falling back into sleep when the sound of a low, familiar voice brought him back to reality.
“Kazuma?”
“Hm?” He opened his eyes, realizing that he was lying over Barok, with his head resting on his chest. “Did I fall asleep?”
“Yes… The sun is rising already.”
There was a hint of something in Barok’s voice that he couldn’t exactly name. Kazuma looked at his face, and only then did his drowsy mind start to grasp the situation.
Oh… Oh, no…
Kazuma quickly moved away from Barok, the reason behind that sleeping position coming back to his mind. He was drunk… Way too drunk. How much did I tell him…? Too much. Oh, fuck…
He stood up, struggling between the hazy memories from the previous night and the words he needed to say at that moment. “Barok, I—”
“We should eat something before anything,” Barok interrupted him. “Especially after how much we drank.”
Barok’s calm answer caught him off-guard. “Ah… Yes.”
He watched as Barok stood up, straightening his clothes. Why is he so calm? He couldn’t have imagined all that, right? Of course not… Why would they have woken up like that if it had been nothing but his imagination?
He waited for Barok to say something, but he didn’t, and the silence only made Kazuma’s anxiety grow. “Barok…” he said in a slightly cautious tone. “Yesterday, did I…” He stopped himself, unable to repeat those words so easily… “Did I say anything strange?”
Barok hesitated for a moment, then averted his gaze. “No. Nothing.”
That was clearly a lie… There was no way he didn’t remember what had happened, and someone confessing their love to you was hardly something one would consider common. So, for Barok to act like nothing had happened…
Ah… Kazuma could feel his heart shattering. This is a kind rejection, isn’t it?
“I see…” Kazuma let out an awkward chuckle. “That’s good to know.”
It hurt, but at least like that things wouldn’t get awkward between them. Barok moved away from him, walking toward the coat rack. He took his cloak, throwing it over his shoulders before reaching for his hat. “Shall we leave, then?”
“Yes.”
Kazuma took his cloak without another word, then followed Barok outside.
That day was a nightmare for Kazuma. Not that Barok treated him badly in any way, but the countless awkward pauses in their conversations, as well as their inability to keep eye contact for longer than a few seconds, felt even worse than during their first days working together.
Kazuma thought things would be better like that, but he was wrong… He’d rather be properly rejected, apologize for his actions, and move on.
He could barely enjoy the food, and later, as much as he tried to focus on his work, he simply couldn’t. That silence wasn’t like usual… It was too heavy, too distracting.
It took Kazuma a moment to realize that Barok was beside him, observing his face with a furrowed brow. “Is something wrong?”
Kazuma shook his head. “Just a headache… I drank too much yesterday.”
“You should go home early today and rest properly.”
Barok sounded genuinely concerned. His kindness, usually so endearing, was now nothing but frustrating.
“Are you sure this isn’t just an excuse for me to leave?” Kazuma asked in a sharp voice.
“What?” Barok widened his eyes, taken aback by the question. “No… Of course not.”
Kazuma sighed, tired. “For how long are we going to pretend that nothing happened?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You already know, don’t you?” Kazuma met his gaze. “I’m sorry… I know you’re trying to be considerate, but I don’t want things to stay like this.”
Barok simply stared at him for a moment. “Does this mean you… remember what happened last night?”
“I told you I wasn’t that drunk.”
“I see.”
Another empty answer. Kazuma lowered his eyes, wondering if that man would ever make things easier for him. “I meant everything I said,” he murmured. “Maybe it wasn’t the best way to say it, or the best moment, but… It was all true.” He made a small pause. “So, please… Just give me a proper answer. If you don’t feel the same, I’ll never mention this again.”
Barok didn’t answer for a few seconds. “I thought it was just the wine’s influence.”
“It wasn’t.” Kazuma lowered his voice. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Barok sounded surprised. “I’m the one who…” He interrupted himself. “Forgive me, I was sure you…”
Once again, his words faded into nothing. At least he wasn’t angry… that was a small relief.
“Barok…” Kazuma looked at him, hesitant. “Can things stay the same between us after what happened?”
Barok considered it for a moment. “No. I don’t want them to.”
Kazuma could do nothing but look at Barok while everything collapsed inside of him. He expected a rejection, but… Not one like that.
Barok’s face slowly went from seriousness to something closer to panic. “Wait… No, that’s not what I…” He raised his hand, reaching in Kazuma’s direction without touching him. “Kazuma, I’m sorry… I didn’t…”
Kazuma didn’t answer. Barok brought a hand to his own face, letting out a frustrated groan.
“Forgive me,” he continued, “I’m afraid I’m not good with words.” He went silent for a few seconds, as if trying to think of what to say. “What I meant is, I want you to be more than an apprentice or a friend to me, and that’s why I don’t want things to stay the same. I wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I could never gather the courage to.”
Those words made Kazuma feel like he could breathe again. He was so relieved that, for a moment, he almost allowed his legs to give in, and sat on the floor. Instead, he looked into Barok’s eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me when I woke up?”
Barok turned his face to the side. “I didn’t know how to. And I feared you hadn’t meant what you said.”
“You…” Kazuma grunted. “Why do you always have to make things so difficult for me? I was sure you… I thought I ruined things between us.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You better be.”
Kazuma took a step forward, embracing Barok’s waist, resting his head against his chest while Barok held him close.
“Kazuma…” Barok whispered.
“What?”
“I know you’re angry right now, but… I couldn’t be happier.”
This man will still be the death of me… “Maybe I would be as well, if you hadn’t scared me like that.”
“Forgive me.”
“I won’t always forgive you just because you ask me to.”
“I know…” Barok brought a hand to the back of Kazuma’s head, gently caressing his hair. “I’m truly sorry.”
Kazuma wished he could stay angry at that man, but it proved to be impossible time and time again. “Can I at least get a kiss after all this?”
The question made Barok look away, speaking in a lower voice. “I hope you’ll forgive my lack of experience…”
Kazuma chuckled: it was amusing to see that proud man admit such a thing out loud. “And what makes you think I’m any better?”
Despite his words, Kazuma was probably as nervous as Barok. He raised his head, meeting Barok’s gaze before closing his eyes, waiting anxiously until Barok met him halfway. The feeling of Barok’s lips, his palm cupping Kazuma’s cheek, his arm around his waist… Kazuma tightened his embrace, bringing his hand to the back of Barok’s head.
In a moment, the anxiety had faded, giving place to something closer to excitement as the realization fell upon him: that was just the beginning—from then on, there would be many new things he would get to experience with Barok.
Kazuma briefly broke that kiss, looking at Barok, offering him a smile. “I’m happy too.”