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Edward had heard about a new guy who came in from New York. They say he killed between 20 to 40 people, mostly prostitutes. At first, he looked down on him in disgust, but after catching a glimpse of him during free time, he quickly changed his mind.
What he expected to be an ugly man in his late 50s ended up being a fit, image-obsessed hottie in his early 30s. He paraded around with perfectly combed hair and tightly fit prison uniforms with no wrinkles.
After his terrible interaction with the Batman that ended in a heartbroken Edward, he had sworn off all vigilantes and men. The thought of even seeing his ex made his heart rip further.
But after seeing Arkham’s newest babe, Edward decided maybe he might give men another try. He could ignore his unjustified murders and undeniable lust for blood.
Edward watched Bateman from a distance, noticing little things about him. The way he zoned out for several minutes. How his hands curled when people talked to him. The way he could go from deadpan to suave in seconds. How he starred at certain people with so much unadulterated hatred.
He was infatuated with the man, gazing at him with all of his attention any time he could. Edward watched Patrick Bateman and treated him the same way he treated the Batman. He scribbled in a new notebook he acquired, writing unashamed paragraphs about Patrick.
After weeks of observation, Edward decided it was finally time to do something about his silly little crush. He started composing a 10-step list on how to successfully seduce Bateman, but Edward had never successfully seduced someone before. His last 10-step had ended in him in prison and his crush rejecting his love for him.
Edward sat on his bed with his Patrick Bateman notebook, swinging his legs back and forth. He decided to start with the easiest thing, Step 1, but he couldn’t think of anything. He wined and flopped back onto his bed, holding his notebook to his chest.
“Why so blue, Eddie?” He heard his neighbor say.
Edward sighs and dramatically throws his arm over his head, “I don’t know how to seduce a man.” He groans out.
Joker laughs, “I can help. I’m very good in the dating field.”
Edward removes his arm, sitting up. “You are?” He says, surprised. “Can you..” He twiddles his hands together, “give me some tips?”
“Of course,” Joker laughs, “anything for a friend.”
After a deep and emotionally opening conversation about sigma male seduction, Edward decided to go with what Joker said was a good first step, Let Your Eyes Do The Work. Joker said to hold eye contact and smile. He specifically said to do it from across the room, saying it’ll make you look approachable and mysterious.
Edward took a deep breath and looked over at Bateman, who spent his afternoons listening to music on his walkman while lightly jogging on a newly donated treadmill. He waited until he stopped jogging and stopped the treadmill, and watched as he grabbed his towel and sat on a bench to cool down. This was Edward's queue.
He briskly made his way a little closer to Bateman’s workout area, but still a distance away, just in his line of view. Edward stood next to the wall, putting his foot up and crossing his arms. He looked quite mysterious.
“You have a secret, ” Joker had said, “ show him that.”
Edward glanced over to Bateman, who was drinking water. Patrick looked his way, and Edward held eye contact, freaking out inside.
What he thought was a mysterious flirty look, he accidentally gave off a hateful glare. Bateman looked at him weirdly and grimaced. Edward decided that was good enough, and moved on to his second step, Practice Your Dozens Of Smiles.
Edward had spent a good 2 hours smiling into the mirror above his toilet, trying his best to perfect his smile. He had gotten from looking deranged to semi-welcoming. He put on his best sly grin, still keeping eye contact with Bateman.
He kept smiling and staring until he saw Bateman sigh and stand up. He started walking towards him with an annoyed expression. Edward’s eyes widened, and he continued smiling.
“What do you want?” Bateman said, putting his arm against the wall next to Edward's head.
Edward blushed and gave him another smile. He decided now was a good time for step 3, Use Body Language. Joker said to be sexy and confident, and flip your hair.
Edward put his hands on his hips and flipped his hair, “Hey,” he said in a breathy, low voice, “I’m Edward.” He stared up at Bateman, who was only 1 inch taller.
“Um..” Bateman said, and Edward felt his heart ache due to his very sexy voice, “I’m Patrick Bateman.” He holds out his hand, and Edward looks down in awe at his big, perfectly manicured hands. How Bateman stayed so clean in Arkham Asylum, he didn’t know.
Edward took his hand and looked back up at him, batting his eyes and letting their hands linger. Bateman gave him an awkward smile and released his hand.
“So like,” Edward puts his hands back on his hips and leans into Bateman, “I heard you’re from New York. What brings you to Gotham?”
Bateman chuckled, “They couldn’t handle me in Manhattan.” Bateman says in a cool yuppy way.
Edward stares up at him in admiration, “Whoa.” He laughs and moves on to step 4, Touch Him Often. “Oh my! What big muscles you have!” He says in the same bimbo-ish voice, grabbing his bicep and squeezing. “You’re, like, super strong.” Edward twirls his hair.
“Um.” Bateman looks at the hand on his bicep and picks it up, giving him another awkward smile, “I lift. What are you in here for?” “Oh, y’know,” Edward giggles, “a couple of murders and bombings.” He frowns and removes his hand. “I was trying to get someone’s attention, but I guess they weren’t really into it.”
“Right..” Bateman looks away from Edward's sad gaze, “Well, I gotta go shower.” He smiles again at him and starts walking back, “Bye.”
Edward gives him a wide smile and a big wave, “Bye!!” He sighs and sits on a nearby couch next to a tv.
“I don’t know what to do next.” Edward cries, “He didn’t seem very interested. I don’t know what I did wrong, I did everything you said.”
“Hmm..” Joker ponders aloud, “Maybe send him some letters?” He laughs.
Edward sits up, looking at his notebook. “I could do that..” he replies. “What do I write?”
“I don’t know, flirty things?” Joker puts his hand out towards Edwards' cell, “Give me some paper and I’ll write some stuff.”
So that’s how Edward and Joker went through step 5, Send Seductive Texts, and convinced some guards to send a letter to Bateman’s cell. They had come up with a couple of flirty (creepy) messages for the New York hottie.
“I had a dream about you last night..” Edward wrote, “You and I were roaming the streets of Gotham, stalking and murdering politics. We cooked some on a grill and I fed you it while I sat in your lap.”
“Is Bateman a cannibal?” Joker asked after reading it.
Edward shrugged, “I heard someone say he ate some of his victims.”
“Gross.."
Edward had drawn a mini drawing of them of the dream, him in his Riddler outfit and Bateman in a suit, him on his lap, with little bloodstains produced using Edward's blood. Joker said it was so romantic that there’s no way Bateman would say no!!
He also wrote on the back a scribble of random things he found perfect about Bateman, paragraphs over paragraphs in small text, none of it legible.
The next day, Edward went up to Bateman during free time and sat next to him on the couch, “Hey.”
Bateman eyed him, dog paging his book, “Hi..” He said in a confused voice.
“Did you..” Edward twiddled nervously with his fingers, “get my letter?”
“Oh, uh.” Bateman turned to him, “Yes. It was very..” He puts his arm on the couch behind Edward, causing him to blush and look away from him, “Romantic. You have such a way with words.” He finishes blankly.
“Really!!” Edward says in a surprised voice, looking up at Bateman. “Did you like the drawing?” He asked in a desperate voice.
“Oh yeah.” He says with weird enthusiasm. “I really liked the blood.”
“Thanks, it’s mine.” Edward replies, twirling his hair. Now was a good time for step 6, Display Your Confidence, and step 7, Show Off Your Intellectual Side. Lucky for Edward, he was already an intellectual.
Bateman gives him another side glance, “It’s very pretty.” He says, smiling worriedly, “You’re very talented.”
Edward beams, “I know.” he smiles, still twirling his hair. Suddenly, he noticed the conveniently placed unfinished crossword on the coffee table in front of them. “Oh!” He exclaims, grabbing the crossword, “Is this yours?”
Bateman sighs, “I couldn’t finish it.” He holds the newspaper with Edward, “I couldn’t figure out a couple.”
“I could help.” Edward replies, “I’m a big puzzle guy.”
“Oh, no, it’s okay. I was actually about to-”
“They come in last is XYZ,” Edward stated, hunching over the newspaper and placing it on his thigh, “Strips in a club is bacon, this is so easy Bateman, maybe you just suck at puzzles.” He giggles and looks up at him, biting his lip.
Bateman shares his gaze and keeps smiling confusedly at him. He puts his arm more around Edward, handing him the pencil. He squirms and moves closer into Bateman’s side.
“Group of crows is obviously a murder,” He continues, and then looks back up at Bateman, who is still looking at him. “Wanna hear a riddle?”
Bateman shrugs, “Sure.”
Edward smiles brightly, “If quizzes are quizzical,” he pauses for dramatic effect, “then what are tests?”
“Testicle.” Bateman says with a deadpan face, “Wait, shit-”
Edward flops onto his bed with a lovestruck sigh, stomach down. He kicks his legs in the air and opens another notebook, his diary. He writes about his day, about how much fun he had with Bateman. How they were now on a first-name basis!! But Edward thought Patrick was an ugly name, so he continued to call him Bateman.
“Hey Eds,” He heard from his neighbor, “how was the date?” Joker laughed.
Edward blushed and turned onto his back, throwing his arms over his head, “It went so well, Jokes.” He squealed into his hands, kicking his feet. “I don’t think he knew it was a date, but he was so coming onto me!!”
“That’s great to hear!” Joker replies, “Do you have plans?”
“He asked if I wanted to do tomorrow's crossword with him.” Edward dazily says, rubbing his hands over his face. “Do you have any more tips?”
“I’ve got a couple more for you.” Joker laughs.
The next day, Edward and Bateman sit on the same couch doing the crossword. Edward was basically sitting on his lap, with his legs and the bottom of his thighs on top of Bateman. He had his hand around Edwards' back and the other making circles in Edward's legs.
“ Radiohead singer is Yorke.” Bateman says, pointing to one of the questions.
Edward glances up at him and smiles, “You like Radiohead?”
“Of course,” Bateman smirks, “I personally think The Bends is their best album.”
“I love The Bends!! That’s so hot,” Edward beams and bats his eyes, “I like In Rainbows.”
“While I, too, like In Rainbows due to the fact that 15 Step was in the Twilight soundtrack.” Bateman says, sounding half human and half insane.
“Omigod, I love Twilight!! But any diehard Twilight slash Radiohead fan would know that 15 Step wasn’t included in the official soundtrack because it was only the end credit song.”
Bateman stares at Edward with wide eyes. He removes his hand from his thigh and moves it slowly up to his jaw. He rubs his thumb over his stubble and leans in. Edward’s eyes widen, and he leans in with him.
They’re less than an inch away from kissing, eyes already closed, when a guard bangs on the wall and yells out Edward's name. He quickly jerks back and almost falls off the couch, but Bateman’s strong arms keep him in place.
“You’ve got a visitor. It’s Batman.” The guard says and waits by the door.
“Oh,” Edward says, and gets out of Bateman’s lap, clearing his throat. “Sorry, my ex is here.” He laughs awkwardly.
“Your ex..” Bateman says slowly, “Your ex is Batman?”
“Um, yeah..” Edward looks away sadly, twisting his hands, “I’m sorry I..” He points toward the door, “Gotta go.” He frowns, “Bye Bateman.”
Bateman gives him a sad smile, “Bye, Eddie.”
Edward sits in the visitor room, waiting for the window blocker to rise. The last time he was here the Batman had.. broken up with him. He looked down at his hands on his lap, fiddling with his holey pants.
The window blocker rose, and Edward keeps his head down, too scared to look at the Batman.
“Riddler.” Batman says in his gruff voice, and Edward winces.
“Hey, Batman.” Riddler says, finally looking up. The Batman looks terrible, with a slight stubble and a busted lip. He wasn’t even wearing his the Batman outfit, just a Nirvana hoodie, and some jeans. He looks tired.
“How are you, Edward?” The Batman asks.
Edward frowns, “Why are you here?” He says sadly.
“I just wanted to check on you. See how you’re doing.” He clears his throat. “I brought you something.” Edward sees him slide a red notebook into the dispenser. He grabs it and looks at the cover.
On the front is a cutout of him in his Riddler outfit, with little cat ears and hearts around him. Other stickers litter the front, Radiohead and My Chemical Romance the ones he notices first. He opens up the notebook to the front page.
Dear Diary,
What the fuck. Was this the Batman’s diary?
It’s been 3 days since The Riddler went to jail. For some reason, I feel like there’s this unexplainable connection between us. Something makes me feel so drawn to him, like I need him. I’ve met him once, and it felt like the first time breathing oxygen. I’ve been drowning ever since in misery. I don’t think I can control myself much longer. I need to see him.
Thanks for listening Diary.
Your best friend, and then a scribbled-out name.
“Did..” Edward looks up at him, “Did you write this? Is this your diary?”
The Batman looks down shamefully, “Yes,” he replies. “You can have it.”
Edward looks back down at the diary and notices it’s filled. “What the hell,” he whispers, skimming the pages, “Is this all about me?”
The Batman blushes, “Yeah..” He admits.
“It’s been 3 weeks, Batman.”
“I missed you..” He sniffs.
“Are you.. crying?” He questions, “You barely know me.” He scoffs.
“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” He whispers.
“What the fuck, dude.” Edward looks up at him, “You don’t know me. You know nothing about me.” He breathes shakily, looking down, “You had your chance, and you ruined it.” He feels himself tear up, “You ruined me. I gave you my heart, and you shattered it.” Edward looks back up at him, “We’re done.”
The Batman quickly looks up at Edward, eyes widening, “What?” His voice breaks, “Don’t say that..” The Batman’s eyes start watering, “Don’t say we’re done. I’m sorry for how I treated you, but I’ll make it better.” Edward sees his lip quiver. “Whatever you want, I’ll do it, babe.”
Edward stands up and slams his hands on the table, “Do not call me babe.” He turns his head to the side, “You should leave.” He whispers.
“Edward..”
“I said leave.” Edward replies in a stern voice, arms crossed.
“Is there someone else?” The Batman asks angrily.
Edward glares at him, “Actually, yeah, there is.” He places his hands on his hips, “He likes Radiohead and Whitney Housten and he listens, something you failed to do.” Batman gasps, “Now leave, please.”
The Batman lifts his hand onto the glass, “I love you.” He says.
Edward tenses up and looks at his hand. He punches the glass as hard as he can, screaming at the Batman to fuck off.
The Batman leaves sobbing with his hands over his eyes, leaving Edward feeling angry and better than he’s been since the Batmans last visit, like this gave him some closure. He grabs the notebook and leaves.
After calming down, Edward goes back into the rec room to find Bateman, and spots him on the couch reading a book. He grins and happily prances over to him.
“Hey!!” He says gleefully, and half sits on his lap, wrapping his arms around Bateman’s neck.
Bateman immediately puts his arms around Edward's waist, grimacing. “How was your talk with Batman.” He says angrily.
“Are you..” Edward squints at him, “Jealous?” He smiles widely. This worked perfectly because step 8 happened to be Make Him Jealous.
“What?” He scoffs, looking away, “No. What?” Edward sees him start to sweat.
He smiles and places his hand on his neck, “Relax,” Edward says with lidded eyes, “Him and I are over.” He giggles, “You’re so cute.”
Bateman blushes and looks into Edward's eyes, “You’re pretty decent.”
Edward laughs, “Thanks.” He says, making circles into Bateman's neck. He looks behind Bateman’s head at Joker, who was standing beside a radio with a cd in his hand. He gives him a thumbs up. Now was time for step 9, Let The Dance Floor Do The Seducing.
Edward wasn’t the best dancer, but he had been forced to take some formal dance lessons at the orphanage for some reason, so he at least knew what to do.
Joker places the DVD copy of OK Computer into the radio and skips to track 10. No Surprises starts playing.
Edward gasps and looks at Bateman with a shocked expression, “Oh, wow, I love this song.” He laughs, “What a crazy coincidence.”
Bateman rolls his eyes, “Do you wanna dance?”
Edward beams at him and stands up, “If you want.” He says, holding his arm out. Bateman takes it and they move to the middle of the room.
Edward wraps his arms around Bateman's neck and feels him put his arms around Edward's waist. They sway slightly to the beat, smiling at each other.
“You look so tired, unhappy.” Bateman sings quietly, only loud enough for Edward to hear.
He giggles and sings along, “Bring down the government.” He related heavily to this song.
He leans his head on Bateman's chest, listening to his heart beat along to the music. He’d never felt so calm. He feels Bateman wrap his arms tighter around Edward's waist, rubbing his back.
They sway like that until the end of the guitar solo, right before the 3rd verse. Edward pulls away and stares into Bateman's eyes, full of adoration.
Edward moves his hands from his neck up to his jaw and smiles at him. It was time for the last step, Have Some Deliberate “Accidents. ” He pretends to fall slightly forward until he’s pressed flesh against Bateman.
“Oops.” He sarcastically says. Bateman chuckles and moves his hands into Edward's hair, leaning in. Edward follows him, closing his eyes.
They tenderly kiss, “Such a pretty house, ” playing behind them, staying like that for a few seconds before Bateman pulls away. Edward shyly looks down, blushing and smiling like a teen. He puts his hand onto Edward's chin and moves it so they’re looking at each other, and he kisses him again, this time more passionately. “ Such a pretty garden,"
They lovingly make out in the middle of the rec room to the chorus of No Surprises, Joker in the corner silently cheering for his friend.
Edward pulls away first, and smiles so hard he feels his cheeks hurt, “Will you be my boyfriend?” He asks in one breath.
Bateman matches his smile, and for the first time in a long time he allows himself to say anything but no, “Of course.”
They make out while the song ends, knowing they’ve both finally found the one for them.