Chapter Text
Ever since they met, Jimin and Jungkook had felt attracted to each other.
Not in the romantic sense, but in the "you're cute, funny and fascinating; I must be your friend" kind of way. At least, it used to be like that.
The dancer knew the maknae was very sensible and innocent; he had to protect him from the world. The kid himself knew his hyung was way too cool and hard-working; he wanted to learn everything about him. The interest was there, and was mutual, but it also happened to be exclusively platonic.
They were too young to be anything else than friends, back then.
But as the years went on, their bodies and minds matured enough for them to realize that they wanted to become something else. Something better, deeper, more intimate, than what they were.
They dreamed of that often, but tried their hardest to ignore those silly illusions, and pretended they didn't exist at all.
Because being a 'couple' was not a possibility, and it never would be. That was a luxury they couldn't afford, being who they were, living where they lived.
But still, in the lost hours of the night, when both were left alone with their thoughts and their wishes, they secretly yearned for what was forbidden, knowing very well that it would never be theirs.
It was a sad, pitiful situation.
And it wouldn't get better, anytime soon. Because if there is one irrefutable fact in life, is that denial is fear's best friend. As long as one of the two emotions was present, the other would follow.
So they went from work mates, to friends, to best friends, to buddies... And left it at that. Because from there on, there was only two ways their relationship could go; They could become as close as brothers - like it had happened with their hyungs-, or as close as lovers. And that second option was terrifying.
They could jeopardize their group dynamic. Be accidentally outed, and ruin everyone's reputation. They could end their career before it even really began. The odds were against them; there was no silver lining. No hope, no good ending, no way they could make things work.
These horrible conditions, mixed with their refusal to accept the obvious and the unchangeable fact that they wanted each other, eventually caused a drift between the two.
As their age grew and the pressure brought on by their professions escalated, Jungkook began to not so subtly push Jimin away, thinking that maybe, if he did, his confusing feelings and desires would leave alone him for good.
He also did that because surely, there was no way on either earth, heaven or hell that his hyung liked him back.
Besides, Jimin was just joking, right? He had to be.Two male idols? Dating? Or even worse, in a relationship? That was unheard of. It was ridiculous... Right?
The thing is, Jimin wasn't joking, at all. The dancer liked him. A lot. Had a big, fat, sometimes inconvenient crush on him.
It was endearing, as much as it was depressing.
Because everyday he followed Jungkook around like a puppy, gave him his warmest smiles, hugged him at every given opportunity, protected him from evil spirited people, shielded him from mean, downright cruel comments, complimented him, made him laugh, blush, offered him a shoulder to cry on, a warm bed to cuddle... And was openly rejected, pushed off, made fun of, time and time again.
He gave Jungkook the best version of himself, and in return, was faced with the worst version of the boy.
Again, depressing. Maybe a little unfair, too.
Jimin did admit that, at first, he found it funny, to see how awkward and jittery the maknae would become when faced with any type of flirtation.
His own amused laughter however, was short lived.
After a couple of months of neglectfulness, coldness, and public displays of uppermost annoyance from the kid, the dancer started to realize that maybe it wasn't a "good" type of awkward. Maybe he was making Jungkook uncomfortable, by being so openly affectionate with him.
That led him to realize - or suppose- that perhaps he was being something he never intended to be; predatorial.
Jungkook was younger than him, after all. Maybe he was responding the way that he was because he felt scared and threatened by his hyung's behavior. (It wasn't like he could go against tradition and call him out for his wrongdoings harshly, not without getting scolded by the other members. He had to be subtle).
That realization made Jimin shine a new light on all of the intimate moments of their relationship.
Could it be that the maknae was only close to him because he felt obligated to, given their difference in age? Had him abused his privileges as his hyung without even realizing it? Pushed the boy into situations he didn't feel comfortable with only to fuel his own selfish desires?
These questions caused him to have a morality crisis, and a mental breakdown. He locked himself in the bathroom of their dorm, in the middle of the night, and sobbed for hours, not caring about how swollen his eyes would look in the morning, or if his racking coughs would damage his voice at all.
He stayed there, alone, slumped on the cold tiles, until his tears fully stopped and clarity struck him.
After chastising his heart for being so fragile, and his head for being so dumb - to the point of believing that he was impressing Jungkook, when he was, in fact, bothering him-, he stood up, washed his face, and accepted his faults.
Looking at himself in the mirror, he made a promise; from there on, he'd keep his distance. He'd hang out with other people, find comfort in other arms, and leave the maknae alone.
His childish behavior had gone too far, to the point where even the fans could see it; he was annoying. And all of his unnecessary devotion and clinginess? It was pathetic, borderline sick.
The final nail on the coffin where his crush would rest forever, however, was provided by Namjoon, the following day.
As their leader, he carefully asked him to back off from Jungkook and let him breathe for a bit. After all, he was in the process of leaving his teenage years behind, he didn't need anyone babying him anymore. He needed space to find his own independence, and maybe, just maybe, Jimin was smothering him.
All things considered, Namjoon was gentle as he said these words, but in the end they did far more damage than good.
Jimin felt beyond disgusted by his own actions after their conversation was over, and no amount of tears was enough to wash away his shame and regret.
In an instant, his house of cards came crashing down and he was buried by the unimaginable weight of his rotten fantasies.
It was then that he realized that he wanted what he could never have.
And his fear of losing whatever remained of his friendship with Jungkook led him to denial.
He had been foolish.
Of course!
He didn't like the maknae like that, right? He couldn't! He was his hyung, and had to behave as one! Being his lover? A thought that would have never existed if it weren't for his raging hormones, his naivety, and his loneliness!
He was never, and would never, be attracted to Jungkook in a romantic, sexual way! Never!... He only cared for him, deeply. Platonically. As a brother, friend and coworker. Nothing more.
The promise he had made to himself the night before became even stronger after he told himself those lies. He would. Back. Off.
And so, he did as Namjoon asked and expanded the ditch between him and the maknae, quickly turning it into the deepest emotional ravine to ever exist.
On his first week of absence, Jungkook felt relieved. He did need that alone time to figure out his own confusing feelings and identity; Namjoon was right. (Don't get him wrong, he adored his hyung, but sometimes he felt overwhelmed by his affection. It was a lot, and he didn't know what to do with it other than panic.)
On the second week, he became confused. He was used to have the dancer nearby whenever he needed him; being left to his own devices made him slightly nervous.
On the third, Jungkook turned worried. From the corner of his eyes he could see how miserable Jimin looked, all sullen and sad, sulking on his loneliness. He also heard the whispers of the staff as he walked around the hallways of the company building; "That Park kid stayed up until 4 a.m. in the practice room, again", "Someone told me his new diet is insane!", "Only one meal a day", "Found him sleeping on the floor of one of the studios", "Apparently he twisted his ankle and didn't say a word to anyone"; the list went on.
On the fourth, the maknae started to realize that maybe he had fucked things up way worse than he had thought.
On the fifth, he had enough. Fuck his forbidden romantic dreams and his mysterious sexuality; he wanted his best friend back.
And he'd do anything to get him back.
Facing his own shyness and anxiety, Jungkook told himself in the mirror that he had to be better for Jimin, in order not to lose him.
He knew that he had horrible 'people skills'.
He knew That he was mostly a lame introvert that enjoyed staying indoors, away from crowds.
That he got nervous during interviews and awkward during TV shows.
He knew he sucked.
But he also knew that his timidness was not an excuse for behaving like a jackass.
And that's what he'd been doing thus far; being a major jerk. After some random MC asked him if he 'Even liked Jimin?', he realized it. (And had to fight the urge to slam his own palm on his face, for being so stupid, for so long)
He had to change his ways.
So Jungkook tried, with all of his might, to fill in the role of his hyung and be the extroverted goofball that the boy usually was.
He ran after him and did everything he could to grab his attention, cheer him up, and prove to him that he loved him; always had, always would. He pushed himself out of his shell because Jimin needed him - even if he wouldn't say so-, and needed his support.
The other boys started to notice the switch in their dynamic, and low-key helped the maknae with his endeavours.
Partially because they were also worried about the crestfallen dancer, to the point of considering scheduling an 'intervention' for him.
Everyone knew that his situation with Jungkook wasn't the only thing bothering him anymore, but it sure as hell didn't help his mood, or health - which were steadily declining, day by day-.
It was clear to anyone with a pair of working eyes that the boy wasn't doing fine, and that his skinny complexion wasn't just out of aesthetics anymore; he was getting sick.
And because of this, Jungkook tried even harder to put a smile on his face, no matter how dull or short lived it was.
He wasn't the best at comforting or uplifting people, but he was learning. And he hoped that his enthusiasm and eagerness to be nicer could eventually make up for his awkwardness.
---
"Jin-hyung..." Jungkook said, as they got ready for a show. "What is the best way to flirt with someone?"
"Please don't say pick up lines..." Yoongi whispered, looking down at his phone.
"Pick up lines!" Jin replied at the same time, standing up from his chair to grab his bottle of water.
"Give me an example?..."
"Sure. Joonie!"
"Yeah?" The leader - who was getting his makeup done a few chairs away- replied, without turning around.
"Do you smell something burning?"
"... It's probably the hairdryer or something."
Jin sighed and rolled his eyes. Yoongi snorted but still didn't look up from his phone. And Jungkook just observed each reaction with furrowed brows, utterly confused.
"Okay, he's stupid. That didn't count. Hobi!"
"Yes?"
"Do you smell something burning?"
"No, hyung I can't say that I-"
"My heart's burning! For you!"
Hoseok blinked a few times, before asking what the hell had just happened in a tiny voice and cackling. Jin sat back down on his chair with a satisfied smirk. Jungkook shook his head.
"I don't want Ji-... The other person to laugh at me, though. I don't want them to think I'm joking."
"Alright, JK. Hear this one out then; it works every time." the oldest member looked at his own makeup noona, and winked at her, silently asking her to play along. Since most of the staff were already used to their childish shenanigans, she just nodded and kept working. "Hey, would you mind helping me fix this shirt?" She tried to hold in her laughter, nodded, and did what was demanded of her. "Feel that texture? How nice it is? That's boyfriend material right there."
"Alright, stop!" Yoongi cringed and some of the other backstage workers giggled, confusing Taehyung and Jimin, who were just walking inside the room.
"What did we miss?"
"Kookie asked Jin-hyung some flirting advice and now he's torturing all of us with his cheesy pick up lines." Namjoon explained.
"Ooh, hyung! Can I get one too?"
"Of course!" Jin turned around to look at the maknae line again. "But first, Taehyung-ah, I will need your ID and your phone number, for insurance purposes. I was blinded by your beauty once you walked in."
"Okay, I'm out." Yoongi stood up and ran out the door, letting Jimin take his place next to Jungkook, and Taehyung find another chair to sit in next to Seokjin.
"So you're trying to flirt with someone?" The dancer asked the maknae. "Who's the lucky girl?"
"N-No one... I'm just... I was curious. On how to do it. That's all."
"You don't seem so sure."
"I am!" He nodded, turning red. "Everything is fine and I'm not crushing on anyone... I swear."
Jungkook knew he was awful at lying, but he didn't think that his wording was also that bad.
For reasons he didn't entirely understand, Jimin's eyes lost their brightness after he heard his sloppy reply. And for a second, he seemed hurt.
The maknae couldn't figure out why though.
"Well, whoever the girl you're trying to win over is, she's lucky." Jimin smiled, but didn't look genuinely happy, or satisfied. Just... Disappointed.
Jungkook opened his mouth to confront him about it right then and there, but Jin interrupted him before he could say anything at all.
"Jimin-ah!"
"Yeah?"
"We aren't socks, but I think we’d make a great pair!"
"Aish!"
And after that terribly cheesy pick up line, the dancer's real emotions were put on the back burner once again. He giggled, ignored his sadness and continued with the banter, as usual, throwing his own pick up lines at his hyung.
But Jungkook noticed that he was faking it.
He always noticed everything.
Sadly.
---
"You should just tell him." Yoongi said to the maknae, once they were all done with their shoot, and were getting ready to go home.
"What?"
"Jimin." He then looked around, before continuing: "You should tell him that you like him."
"Hyung, I d-don't..." Jungkook shook his head and gulped. "That's n-not..."
"I'm not telling anyone I know about your little crush... But Jimin-ah... He should know."
"W-Who told you I like him? Because that's... That's not true; I d-don't like him!"
"Oh, really? Then why are you so obsessed with him lately? You used to push him away all the time. That was your normal. What changed?"
"I... Grew up, I s-suppose."
"That's bullshit." Yoongi called him out. "What's really going on?"
The singer took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down.
"Nothing happened, hyung. I already t-told you. We're just... Friends. Really good friends." Jungkook tried to walk away from the conversation and head over to their dressing room, but couldn't.
"Then why were you googling 'Am I Gay? Tests' on the studio computer?"
He stopped walking, dead on the tracks. Turned around with beads of sweat frozen to his temple, and his eyes barely holding onto their sockets.
"I didn't... T-That wasn't me!"
"... You're listening to a lot of Troye Sivan recently too."
"He's a good singer!"
"He's also gay."
"So? Just because I like his music I'm gay too?"
"No, not really." Yoongi backed off for a second. "But would it be so bad if you were?"
"Yes!... I l-like girls!"
"Never said you didn't." He raised his hands, defending his innocence. "But you could like guys too... There's nothing wrong with it."
"...Everything is wrong with it."
"Excuse me?"
Oh shit.
That set him off.
"It's not possible, to like both!... You're either gay or straight, that's it!"
"Kookie... Are you really that stupid or are you in denial? I can't figure it out." Yoongi seemed annoyed.
"Neither!..."
"I'm bisexual." The rapper cut him off before he could start again. "I don't care about gender. So trust me, it's very much possible to like both. Because I do."
Jungkook felt like he had just been slapped on the face.
"Oh..." He dropped his sudden, unexplainable rage at once. "Hyung, I'm... So sorry, I didn't want to offend you-"
"It's fine. Nothing I hadn't heard before. Nothing I haven't told myself before. But listen..." Yoongi moved closer. "I know you're obviously having a hard time figuring yourself out. And it's okay, everyone goes through that... But you're hurting Jimin. By acting like this, you're making him suffer; not only yourself. So you need to sort out your priorities, and get your head straight..."
"I don't know what-"
"You can try to keep lying all you want, but I can see right through you. You like Jimin. And he likes you too... Maybe way more than he should."
"- That's not true."
"I don't want you to hurt each other." The rapper insisted. "So figure yourself out first, then try to pursue him, woo him, or do whatever the hell it is you're trying to do... Because right now you're only confusing him. You cuddle him at night and refuse to even look at him during the day. You hold his hand when the cameras aren't looking and stop touching him at all when they are on. It pains him, and it's obvious. It makes him think you're playing with him."
"... What?"
"Yeah. And I'm sorry to be the one that breaks it to you, but you're being kind of a jerk, kid."
"Hyung-"
"I'm not saying you are one though, just that you're behaving like one. And I get it; as I said, I've been there, done that... Actually, that's the only reason why why I'm talking to you right now, even though I hate this." He feigned disgust, to lighten up the air. "Don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't chase after him before knowing what you really want... Because that's a shitty thing to do. Know yourself first. And if you like boys and girls, stop telling yourself you don't, that it's not possible, and stuff like that. You can't change who you are. It's impossible."
"No... That's... I'm not gay."
Yoongi sighed. His dongsaeng really was deep in denial.
"Alright, fuck labels. Forget them. Just answer this, and be honest with me... Do you like Jimin?" He asked and Jungkook's gaze moved to the floor, before he gave the tiniest, meekest nod. "Great. Then it's simple; don't hurt him." And with that, he left the singer behind, to reflect on his words.
And oh boy, reflect he did.
The maknae couldn't get that conversation out of his head for the next couple of weeks.
The fact that he was still being a dumbass to Jimin struck a nerve, and raised some hard questions for him to answer.
Did he really do that? Lead the dancer on? Confuse him? Cause him pain?
He was only trying to get his best friend back, not toy with his emotions! He'd never!...
But he did, didn't he.
He really became that guy.
A player, in the worst sense of the word. And he hadn't even meant to be that way!
Ugh! Why was social life such a complicated business? If he was reserved, he was being too cold, but if he tried to be more cheerful and open, he was suddenly playing with people's feelings! How did that even make sense?
Was he really so dense that he couldn't see the damage he was causing? Was he really that stupid?
Confused, angry at himself, and desperate to make things right, he followed Yoongi's advice.
He had to know himself. What he wanted, what he liked... Who he was.
He needed to see his Persona eye to eye.
So he shoved his opinions about what was right and wrong up his own ass, reevaluated his morals, and started doing what he usually hated the most, in the hopes of becoming more educated; reading. About the spectrum of sexuality, of gender, about laws, philosophy, religion...
Even erotica.
That was a surprising topic, for sure. But he liked it. And soon, what started out as a genuine research to understand, technically, how his feelings and inclinations worked, ended up with him downloading a bunch of raunchy comics and mangas onto his phone.
Still, the adventure was worth it. Fiction helped him have a clearer idea of his own tastes and desires better than any academic book did.
And thanks to it, he slowly began to accept the fact that he wasn't straight - instead of just knowing it-, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong about his identity, or loving whoever he loved.
He didn't lie to Yoongi though. He liked girls. A lot. But boys also caught his attention... Specially one by the name of Park Jimin.
Oh shit, he owned the rapper another apology. Being bisexual definitely was possible, because he actually had been one all along.
Huh.
How the turntables.
The tragic thing is that, while he took his first baby steps into accepting himself fully, Jimin was going down a dark rabbit hole of self-hate, struggling with his image, body, sexuality, life... Everything.
And with each passing day, he could feel himself getting closer and closer to rock bottom.
He was scared shitless of what that concept meant, but was unable to stop his free fall. So he closed his eyes, relinquished all hopes of salvation, and resigned himself to crash on the rocky ground bellow.
Next to his members, he would act like he always had; goofy, cute and sassy. He'd prank them, hug them, laugh with -or at them-, and pretend he was okay. Not great, not happy, but okay.
Alone, he would break. Shatter into a million tiny pieces - usually against the shiny bathroom floor, where no one could reach him, or help him out of his torment-.
Once the weeping was over, he'd let the surviving shards be stomped on by his fears and doubts, until nothing remained but dust. Until his stupor overcame his misery, and felt completely numb inside.
Every other night, this would happen.
He'd be smiling at ten, and sobbing at midnight. Eating the tiniest dish at dinner and puking it out later. He'd watch his body on the mirror with a certain disconnect, like he couldn't recognize it at all. And in his head, he'd hear the echoes of the jokes people had thrown at him during the day. Little jabs, that on the surface didn't seem harmful, but actually were.
He ate like a pig. His cheeks were too chubby. He was losing his abs. He was getting too tan. He was too short for a guy his age. He was too fat. No fan would ever like him if he continued gaining weight.
The list went on.
He'd listen to all of these inner voices, repeating the same old tiring comments, and he'd say to himself 'I'm not enough', until his fucked up brain believed him.
Then he'd fall. And what was already fractured would be yet again pulverized.
The next day would come, and he'd do it all again, going through an endless cycle of torment without resting once.
He thought no one noticed it. But again, everyone did.
Taehyung confronted him about it, and their argument lead them to spend one week ignoring each other.
Namjoon tried to speak with him, and all that he got in return was a small 'I'm fine, don't worry'.
Yoongi took him to grab a drink, and let him cry on his shoulder. But both were terrible at dealing with feelings, and neither said anything about it the next morning.
Hoseok cut back on his poorly timed jokes and began complimenting him instead. Jimin smiled back, but the damage was already done.
Jin made sure he ate, but still couldn't stop him from losing weight. He thought about messaging their boss about it, thinking that maybe Bang could do something, but he didn't want anyone to get in trouble, so in the end, he stayed quiet.
And Jungkook... He changed. (Stopped being a twat, is what this meant). He matured.
Instead of kicking and screaming when Jimin initiated any kind of skinship, he appreciated it.
Instead of poking fun at this size and weight, he often declared how cute and handsome he was.
Even went as far as to publicly say that 'If Jimin-hyung was a girl, he'd date him'. Which of course, was the less than ideal way he found to say; 'I adore you, let me date you'.
But what was done was done, and the dancer kept his distance, afraid of getting hurt again.
He enjoyed the new attention and affection he was getting, but completely gave up on running after Jungkook. It was the boy's moment to chase after him.
Besides, Jimin's mind was set somewhere else lately. He didn't care about his romantic life as much anymore; his professional life was the real deal. He needed to work better and harder. He needed to improve his looks. He couldn't even stare at anyone else before getting his body to the shape and size that he wanted. That was his main priority. So he danced until his vision turned black, exercised until his muscles felt torn, avoided sleep, denied food, and forgot that affection existed. Because he had to.
In all honesty, Jimin knew everyone was worried about him. But that was because they couldn't understand him. They couldn't even grasp how heavy and tiring the weight of the pressure he was under was. They already were good enough. They deserved their spot on the band. But he... He shouldn't be there. He wasn't as talented, good looking and charismatic as everyone else. So he had to do better. And he had no time to lose.
This inner turmoil soon led to a rather unfortunate event in their band's history; him fainting at a fan meeting in Osaka.
That dark day started out fine, with no big fights or arguments backstage. They recorded some footage for Undercover Mission, joked around while getting dressed, and did their usual hyperactive shenanigans in front of the camera.
It is well known that there's always calm before the storm. The saying could perfectly be applied here.
They went on stage, interacted with fans, and started playing games. Everything was fun and dandy.
Until they played Tension Escalator. Then it all went to shit.
Jungkook wasn't the best at the 'emotions' thing, but in the precise moment he saw Jimin drop - by some miracle not falling off the platform - he was overcome by them.
Without thinking, he ran towards the boy and begged him to wake up, as Namjoon tried to shake him back to life and Yoongi sprinted towards their staff, to get help.
Jungkook wasn't the best at being comforting, but he calmed Taehyung down before he could have a full meltdown in public, and double the worry of their fans.
He wasn't quick to react when bad things happened, but didn't think twice before helping Hoseok carry Jimin away from the shocked eyes of the public.
He wasn't good at reassuring others, but promised Jin that the dancer would be alright, and this would not become a common occurrence.
He had the emotional range of an empty bottle of banana milk, that he knew, but when any of his hyungs needed him, he was there for them.
And when Jimin opened his eyes at last, he was the first thing that the boy saw.
"What happened?"
"You passed out playing tension escalator." He informed, as Namjoon spoke to some people outside. Both of them were alone on the floor of a small dressing room, surrounded by water bottles, ice packs, fans and a small oxygen tank. "You scared us, Jimin-ah."
"I'm sorry... It was an accident. It won't let it happen again."
"We're taking you to the hospital." Jungkook informed casually, like he was talking about the weather. "You hit your head pretty hard. We need to get you checked out."
That wasn't the only reason they wanted him to see a doctor, though. His eating habits were past unhealthy at this point; he needed help. He needed to stop doing whatever he was doing.
"There's no need for that. I'm fine."
"It's not up for discussion, hyung." The maknae grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it. "You're going."
"And who's going to make me?!-"
"You're going." He shushed the older. "Because I'm begging you to."
"What?"
"Please go."
"Jungkook..."
"I'm being serious. For once, I am... It scared me, hyung... To see you fall like that. It hurt, to see you hurt." He looked away, but didn't let his steadily growing anxiety shut him up. Not again. "I know... I know you're going through a rough time. I've noticed it; everyone has... But you don't have to do this alone. Let us help you. Please. Just this once. Let us be there."
To say that Jimin was surprised by his little speech wasn't enough. He didn't even think it possible, for the maknae to be this vulnerable and sincere.
Sure, he had seen him cry like a baby because he was homesick, and had hugged him to sleep far too many times in the last two years, but never, ever, he actually heard him vocalize his emotions, let alone with such eloquence.
The boy usually just cried, held his hand, or pulled him closer, without saying a word. Hearing him talk was... Bizarre. Shocking. But he appreciated the gesture, a lot.
"Fine... I'll go." Jimin ended up agreeing, because did feel like crap, and was afraid that he may have gotten a concussion with the fall. Not because he was whipped for the maknae. Not at all. "After the fan meeting ends, I'll go for a check up."
"You're not going back on stage."
"Kookie... You sound like Jin-hyung. Stop it."
"I'm learning a lot from him. Including how to scold you. Looks like you need it." Jungkook joked, to ease the tension.
"Oh, so now you're the hyung?"
"No. You'll always be my hyung." He smiled softly. "I'm just the golden maknae. Gotta make sure that you're protected and don't do stupid things... Like going on stage after you just fainted from exhaustion."
"I'm not sure that's how things work, but okay."
They stared at each other for a short moment, having a whole conversation while in complete silence. Jimin accepted the fact that he wouldn't be able to leave the floor anytime soon, and Jungkook accepted the fact that he wouldn't be capable of parting from his hyung either.
Eventually, when Jimin actually started to feel better, the maknae helped him walk back to the fan meeting, and reassure Army that he was okay.
Neither mentioned that Jimin was going to the hospital after everything was over, only that 'He'd go back to the hotel to rest'. Which wasn't a complete lie, but... It wasn't the full truth either.
Thank heavens, everyone believed in that excuse.
Once everything was done, Namjoon and their manager, Sejin, helped Jimin get inside a van safely, and took him to the hospital for his check-out.
The doctors confirmed what everyone already knew. He did faint because of low blood pressure... And also because of his lack of energy, rest, and healthy eating habits. The episode was a culmination of bad choices and situations, that thankfully didn't end up in anything too serious. Just a bump in the head and soreness on his muscles.
But the dancer was warned that, if something like that happened again, the consequences could be drastically worse.
A lot of medical jargon was thrown into his ears that night, but his doctor made sure that he understood what was going to happen to him if his dieting plans, and overall quality of life, didn't improve.
His hair would fall off. His body temperature would lower. His heart rate would slow down. He'd present issues with his thyroid. Maybe would suffer from seizures. Hypotension. Bloating, abdominal pain, stomach ulcers. His organs could shut down, one by one. Until finally... Cardiac arrest. Death.
Things didn't look good, and he was terrified, but had no idea how to stop his crazy train of thoughts.
He couldn't go off his diet. He couldn't gain weight again. He had to keep exercising, and dancing, and improving himself.
That was important. That was unnegotiable.
Besides, there was a tour. Shows. Fans. He couldn't let Army down. They wanted him to be better, so that's what he had to do.
Be. Fucking. Better.
For a moment, dying seemed easier than giving up his routine. He needed it more than air to survive.
When he returned to the hotel, after half an hour of quietly staring out of the car window, ignoring Namjoon's concerned gaze, he promised himself that he'd be smarter this time.
He'd keep doing what he had to do to feel useful, and wanted. He'd only pretend he'd changed his ways.
He didn't have to worry anyone if he stayed silent, and avoided little accidents like the one that had happened that afternoon.
Right?
"Jimin-ah?" Hoseok asked, once he stepped inside their shared bedroom. He looked tired and groggy, but still was awake enough to recognize his face. "How was it? At the doctor?"
"Fine... My blood pressure dropped, that was all." Jimin tousled the sleepy boy's hair, before he made his way to the bathroom. "Rest, hyung. You need it."
"Are you okay?" His stern, borderline incredulous tone made the younger singer turn around midway, and smile at him to reassure everything was alright. Which, of course, couldn't be further from the truth.
"I'm fine, really... My head hurts a little, but it's nothing that an Ice pack can't solve."
Hoseok blinked, nodded, and laid back down on his pillows, somewhat convinced of his honesty.
"You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?" The question cracked Jimin's facade for a second, but his superficial grin didn't leave his face. "Even if it's just to unwind, clear your mind... You can come to me."
"I know that, hyung. And I'm really thankful for your support. But I'm okay." He struggled to keep his voice from cracking, but didn't let it happen. "Now go back to sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow."
"We? Aren't you taking a day off?"
"Can't afford it."
"Jimin-ah..."
"It will be alright. Promise. Wouldn't be doing it otherwise."
Hoseok didn't believe that either, but decided to let it slide.
"Come cuddle once you're done showering." He demanded, before closing his eyes.
"You'll probably be sleeping by then."
The older danced snorted.
"Like that has stopped you before."
"... Touché."
---
Surprise, surprise; Jimin couldn't sleep that night.
After two full hours of watching his hyung snore, unable to relax and do the same, he pecked the side of his head as a goodbye and stood up from the bed.
Then he put on his slippers, green hoodie, cap, and grabbed his wallet, leaving the shared bedroom with no clear goal or destination in mind.
The hotel they were staying at wasn't big, or very entertaining. It was haunted - allegedly-, but he wasn't that interested in hanging out with vengeful Japanese ghosts, so... No, he wasn't staying inside.
He thought about texting Taehyung and ask if his best friend was down to wreak havoc, but considering how stressful their day had been - and all because if him-, he decided not to.
Instead, he found a way to climb into the roof of the building - for some random reason, the door to the rooftop was open-, and sat down near the edge, to watch the city lights, all alone.
Even if the area they were staying at wasn't the richest, Japan still looked beautiful.
The little shops, tiny streets, colorful banners and signs reminded him of home.
And for a moment, he could pretend that he was back there. Sitting with his brother on the roof of their house - going against his father's orders for the hundredth time, just because of the marvelous sight they got from up there-. Really it wasn't all that spectacular. But in childhood the ugly seem beautiful, and the simple seems complex; therefore, even though they didn't live in a rich neighborhood, the familiar houses and buildings around them felt like mansions. The distant ocean on the horizon line seemed way closer than it actually was, and the far away sound of the seagulls flying around was clear. The moon was bigger, and the world was bigger. His mother's food sitting on his stomach was warm, and good, and comforting. A total opposite of the current emptiness inside of it.
The world that seemed so vast, intriguing and inviting now reminded him of everything he had left behind to explore it. The wonder he once felt was now replaced by bone deep tiredness, and a nostalgic yearn to go back, and enjoy his simple life again.
Before he knew it, he was crying. His shoulders shaking, eyes closing, body collapsing in on itself. He was weeping, and he wanted his family, but they were miles away from him, and he hadn't seen them in a while. Would they even recognize him once they did? Would they even accept this mess of a man as their son? What would they think, if they knew about the kind of feelings he had been harbouring towards others and himself? They'd probably be disappointed. They'd probably want to push him away and-
"Hyung?" A familiar timbre startled him into silence. He only knew one person that could call him that. "What's wrong? What are you doing here?-"
"Go to sleep, Kookie." His own shaky voice demanded, but the stubborn boy didn't listen. Only sat down beside him. "Kook..."
"I couldn't sleep. That's why I came here." He confessed, and looked at Jimin's hands for a few seconds, before making up his mind and grabbing one of them. "What's wrong?"
The gesture, mixed with the question, mixed with all of the repressed feelings the dancer had been trying to hide, stopped him from answering.
All that he could really do was cry.
Jungkook, once again proving that his maturity was growing stronger with each passing day, understood that as a cue to pull him into his lap, and let him weep as much as he wanted to. In silence, he threaded his fingers through his hyung's hair, hoping to take away at least part of his pain.
Jimin had been there for him since day one, doing exactly the same thing. He knew that this was the moment he had to push his nerves aside and comfort him, as much as he could. The poor boy needed a rock to hold on to, an anchor to keep him united with reality, and he was glad to be both for him.
"I'm s-sorry."
Jungkook heard the tiny apology come from bellow and removed his eyes from the horizon, looking down.
"You don't have to say that."
"But I-I am, I... I s-should be s-strong! For y-you... For the b-band..."
"And you are. Crying doesn't take away from that." He repeated the words Jimin himself that told him, a year or so ago, back at the dorms. "You are strong, talented, ambitious, and incredibly hard-working. You're constantly out-doing yourself, and it's impressive... But I get that it can also be tiring. It's okay if you are. No one's mad at you, and you shouldn't be mad at yourself either. You shouldn't hide your feelings from us." His hand moved down from Jimin's hair to wiped away his tears.
"I m-miss home."
Now that was a sentiment Jungkook shared, and could easily understand.
"I miss it too." He agreed, getting teary eyed. "But we'll see our families again, okay? We will... You'll get to hug everyone, laugh with everyone, poke fun at your brother..." Jimin chuckled as he talked. "You'll get to do that soon. And who knows, maybe we'll get to visit each other's houses too."
"I'd really like that." The older confessed, now a little bit calmer.
It took a while for him to regain complete control over his breathing, but once he did, he managed to sit down again.
They then stared at each other for a few minutes, closer in space and in mindset than they had been in weeks. Jimin, too tired to keep fighting against himself -and too touch starved to even argue that doing so was a good idea-, lunged himself forwards and hugged the maknae, almost squeezing the life out of him.
"Thank you."
The genuine vulnerability in his words pulled at Jungkook's heartstrings, and one of his hands unconsciously flew up to the back of Jimin's neck, securing him in between his arms.
"I love you." He didn't know why he said it, but he couldn't regret it either. It just felt right to.
"I love you too." Came the soft reply, half-whispered but sincere.
They stayed like that, clinging to each other, until their pulse went back to normal and their faces stopped burning as brightly as the stars above. Until they could pretend that the intimate moment they shared wouldn't affect their friendship at all, and that they didn't want to kiss each other before the sun rose.
"We should probably head inside."
"You go... I still need to collect my thoughts."
"You're insane if you think I'm ever leaving you alone, Jimin-ah."
"That's 'hyung' to you." He smiled and bumped his shoulder, to make sure the maknae knew he was joking.
Well, kind of.
"... Do you want to listen to music then, hyung?" Jungkook removed his phone and his earbuds from the pocket of his hoodie.
"If it's not something too noisy and upbeat, sure."
"Don't worry, I have the perfect playlist for us to chill."
"... Should I be afraid?" He arched an eyebrow, knowing very well what the little rascal beside him was capable of. He could choose the loudest song he knew, just to mess around with him.
"No."
"Somehow I don't trust you."
Jungkook grinned and shook his head.
"I promise you, I won't prank you... This time."
Jimin eyed his tired expression carefully, before accepting the earbud he was given. The first thing he heard when he put it in was the soft notes of a piano. Then, English lyrics. A simple guitar and bass line. Steady drums. Just as Jungkook had promised, nothing overwhelming.
"What's this song called?"
"It's 'Everything's Not Lost' by Coldplay."
"Oh... They sing 'Fix You', right?"
"Yep. They have really good songs, specially the older ones... They are very calming."
"Hm." Jimin nodded, and massaged his puffy eyes. "What's this one about?"
"Well... From what I understood, it's just a message of hope. It says that life can feel terrible, and we can feel neglected and alone... But it's still worth living. There's still something good out there. We just have to wait for the dark clouds to pass, and keep an eye out for our inner demons, so we don't hurt other people... Or ourselves."
Jimin's smile grew a bit wider, and he sighed, before looking away.
"Now I know why you picked it, then..."
"There's also a hidden track." Jungkook replied, still staring at the dancer. "It's about... An apology."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"It tells how sorry the singer feels... For screwing things up. Saying things he didn't mean... Doing everything wrong."
"Hm."
"It also says that life is for living... And that he doesn't want to live it alone."
That last addition got Jimin's attention. He turned his face to Jungkook and sighed again. His glossy eyes already back, his brows curving against his will, and his thankful smile slowly turning into a grimace. He was trying to hold himself back with all the self control he still had.
"Jungkook-ah..."
"I l-like you, Jimin." At last, the maknae admitted. "I have for a long time, and it's okay if you don't feel the same, but... You have to know." His eyes trailed down as his shyness took over. "I p-pushed you away because I was scared... Of what I felt... Of making you uncomfortable... Of a lot of things."
"Are you still?"
"W-What?"
"Scared?" The older asked, blinking away his tears.
"I think I'll always be." At least he was honest. "Why?"
"Because I like you too, and I-I'm terrified."
That answer wasn't one that Jungkook was expecting to hear that night, but it did put a lot of things into perspective for him.
Suddenly, his hyung weird behavior towards him just made sense... And the revelation almost knocked him out.
Jimin had pushed him away because he too was afraid of making him uncomfortable.
He had slowly disappeared from his side because he thought that it was the right, mature thing to do.
He was older, his band mate, and a man. All three reasons for him to keep his feelings inside, along with his frustrations, and for him to drift away.
It all came down to the best friends called fear and denial.
Jungkook knew those two pesky emotions very well.
"Then let's be terrified together."
"Kook-"
He didn't let Jimin finish. His lips flew to the dancer's, as his hands held him close, offering all the stability and the protection that he needed.
His lack of experience deterred the kiss from being a long, passionate one - like those he'd frequently see in romantic movies and secretly crave to experience, at least once in his lifetime - but it didn't remove the importance of it's meaning, or the change that it brought on.
From that night forward, their relationship would never be the same.
"Why did you do that?" Jimin asked, grieving for the ignorance he could no longer feign. "You shouldn't have done that..."
"Why? Didn't you enjoy it?"
"I enjoyed it too much. And that's the problem." Their foreheads touched. "... We can't be together."
"We'd just have to be careful..."
"We can't, Jungkook." His voice cracked. "We'd be ruining our lives... If someone found us out... Then it's over. Our careers, our dreams, our friendships... All gone."
"Hyung..."
"I love you." He pulled away. "And that's why I can't let you do this."
"W-What?"
"I can't... We can't be together."
Jungkook felt like a knife to the heart would have hurt less.
"You don't mean it." He stood up from the ground. "Think this over..."
"I already have..."
"No. You h-haven't. You're not giving up. And I'm not giving up on you. T-think about it... Please."
Jimin opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, the boy was gone from the rooftop, leaving him all alone with the rising sun.
As the world lit up, his mind went dark.
He didn't know what he should do next.
Think things through? Or set everything ablaze?