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Will was not okay, his mind was a mess. All his past mistakes were haunting him. All the things he should have done. He knows it's just his PTSD making him feel this way but his thoughts kept spiralling. He knows that his thoughts were wrong and that he was worth more than that, but he could not help it and Oh-No he was gonna cry-
“Kayla please handle the infirmary for a while” Will’s voice was steady, years and years of practising, years of working under stress ensured that he was always seemed outwardly calm even if inside he was anything but calm. “Where are-” Kayla started to say but Will was already out of the infirmary.
Outside the infirmary he ran towards the Hades cabin. He knew that Nico would be teaching the younger kids so his cabin will be free, any other place will be too risky. He couldn't let anyone see him like this.
Reaching the cabin he got in and shut the door, engulfing the room in darkness save for the glow in the light stars Will had made Nico put on his walls.The entire room screamed of Will and Nico. There were pictures of him and Nico on the table and walls, flowers that WIll had given Nico on a vase .A beautiful eclipse painted on a wall.
He immediately sat down on Nico’s bed- technically his and Nico’s bed as Will slept with him almost everyday. He curled into himself and finally let go of his tears.
‘If only I had not let Micheal stand in front of me then he wouldn't have died’ ‘If only I had treated Valentina better then she would not have to wear plasters for a week’ ‘ I should treat Nico better, ‘I am such a bad boyfriend’ , ‘I don’t even know how to fight , I am worthless’ ‘Nico would be better off without me’ .
His mind made the scenarios that actually happened worse. Just yesterday Nico was asking him to help him with something but he could not as he was busy. He knows it isn't a big deal but…. He can’t- doesn’t know what to feel anymore.
His normal breathing techniques weren't working, his mind was spiralling towards darker territories. ‘ Why am I even alive?’ , ‘I am not a good fighter nor a good archer or a good healer or else I would have been able to heal Sia’s injury without causing her pain’ ‘I should have died instead of the all those in the battle’ ‘Nico could find someone who is so much worth more than I could ever be. He is so good for me and what do I do? Don't give him time, can’t even help him when he's practising because I would end up getting him hurt.’He’s better off without me’, ‘I don’t deserve anyone’, ‘No one…would notice if I am gone right….?’ Why would they…I'm worthless’ ‘I….. deserve pain….yeah’ ‘The least I could do is get pain to feel the pain of all those who died.’
At the back of his mind he was panicking because this is the first time he had gotten these thoughts…..He tried to stop- he really did but it was like his body had a mind of its own. He walked towards the small cabinet in the Hades cabin which contained bandaids, gauze, medecins and…….a knife.
He took the knife in his hands and placed it over his forearm. He lowered the knife until it touched his skin and with a little pressure he cut along his forearm. It hurt so much but it felt good. He felt better now that he cut himself. He felt like he should do more so he took the knife and dug deeper into his skin and cut it. Pain erupted in his forearm. He could see his blood splatter on the floor making him feel oddly satisfied. It stopped his tears at least, making him feel better about his mistakes.
Just as he was about to make another cut he heard the front door open. Nico was back. Why was he back? He should not be back till later! Will was panicking he tried so much to hide the knife and his arm but…his body betrayed him.
He made another cut running over the previous cuts. This time a pained sound escaped his lips his forearm screaming in protest, making Nico aware that someone was in the cabin. “Will? Is that you?” Will could hear Nico getting closer. “I have told you not to just enter in my cab-” Nico cut himself horrified. His eyes widened at the scene in front of him - tears tracks were drying on Will’s face, blood dripping from his hands into the floor, and a knife in his hands.
He rushed to Will’s side and took the knife out of his hands. “William, mi amore, are you with me? Can I touch you?” Nico was frantic just wanting to touch and hug Will. His amore who always gave him lectures on improving his mental health, in this state. Nico could feel tears forming in his eyes. He couldn't think why Will would hide something so much from him that made him cut himself. Was he such a bad boyfriend that made Will hide something so big from him? He knew he did’nt pay attention to Will at times but…
Seeing Nicoon the verge of crying made Will snap off his trace , tears started flowing from his eyes he nodded his yes frantically, needing affection.
Nico quickly pulled him into a hug, making Will rest his head in the crook of his neck. He could feel tears wetting his neck but he didn't care about keeping his neck dry right now. Right now his priority was Will and Only Will.
“Amore, could you tell me what happened?” Nico asked in the softest tone ever. Will just shook his head and mumbled something Nico couldn't understand. “Come again, can’t hear you sunshine.” When Will did’n say anything Nico suppressed a sigh and said” Let’s lay on the couch, yeah?” Will nodded his yes so Nico made Will sit down on the couch .“Let me clean your wounds hmm?” He got the correct gauze and disinfectant , helping with Will in the infirmary taught him many things. He gently and thoroughly cleaned and dressed the wound with tears in his eyes when he saw how deep Will had cut himself.
“Sorry” Will whispered. Nico frowned, he got up and sat on the couch putting Will’s head in his lap.“What are you sorry for Sunshine?” He ran his hands through Will’s hair, hoping it would coax out an answer out of him. “I am sorry for being a burden to you…I do not deserve you, you can find a much better boyfriend than me-”
“Stop Will…mi sole what are you saying? I love you. How can you say all that? I love you all of you , how you love the things I hate about myself. How you always help me catch my breath when I have had a tough day.” “ But why? I am a mess, I always overthink the little things in my head. I am not worth it…you. I can’t fight or heal anyone. I can’t- I-I am worthless, you’re so much more - I- y-you deserve some-someone more worthy than me-” Will stopped himself when he felt something on his forehead. He looked up at Nico to see him crying. Will cast his eyes down, he could not see Nico crying. He rarely if not never cried, preferring to let out his grief in other ways. Him breaking down and that too because of him made Will’s heart ache.
He was sobbing, shoulders shaking tears streaming down his face , eyes shut tightly . Nico opened his eyes and looked at Will, hurt written all over his face. “H-how can you say that? I-I could find someone else y-yes-b-but would they be able to hea-heal me the w-way you d-did? I-I had no hope le-ft but with you I-I see ho-pe again. Mi sole ,th-this” Pointing to Will and him Nico continued “ is mor-e th-than anything I have felt before. You-you’re everythin-g th-that I-I want but I did’nt thi-think I’d get. You-you’re w-worth the wait of all the y-years of my grief. Y-you s-say you're not a g-good he-healer? Wh-who us-used to nu-nurse me back to h-health? W-who made sur-e that I was okay? W-who saved me f-from mel-ting in-to t-the sh-shadows? Y-you did. I- how d-did you even think th-that I would want s-someone other than y-you? I am so in love that if you a-asked me t-to run a-away I’d as-ask where b-because us is en-enough.”
Will sat up next to Nico. Tears were falling from his eyes as well. How did he think that Nico would leave him? They were one. Everyone thought Will completed Nico. He did, he healed him when Nico broke down, he nursed him when he got injured, but the truth was that Nico completed Will back. He made Will forget about his minor mistakes, protected him from all the dark thoughts, and always made sure that Will did not neglect his health to help others.
Will scooted away from Nico, crying, thinking Nico would not want him, when he was the one who made him cry. Nico noticed and cried even harder. “C-come closer, please let m-me be h-home for anything g-good or bad, I know y-your worth it”
Nico hugged Will tight and had no intention of leaving him anytime soon. Will kept muttering ‘I love you’ ’s and ‘I am sorry’ ‘s in the crook of Nico's neck. Nico caressed the back of Will’s head helping him calm down. He whispered softly in Will’s ears “ I know I've found the one I love and I would never leave him.” Making Will sob harder.
After a while, both of them calming down separated, their foreheads still touching. “I want you to tell me what’s going in your head William..got it? Please…I don’t think I can ever see you like that again.” Will sniffed a small “Y-yes” Nico broke into a small smile. Later he would ask Will why he thought all that. Later he would make sure that Will knew that he was not worthless, that Nico loved him to the moon and back. But later. Right now this was more than enough. Yes right now this was perfect even with Nico’s shirt wet from Will’s tears, mess around them, blood drying on the floor.
As long as he was with his Will. Safe, everything was great. “Wanna lay down and cuddle for a while sunshine?” Will just nodded, a small smile presenting itself on his lips.
Nico guided Will to their bed and layed down, making Will lay his head on Nico’s chest and his arms around Will, seemingly protecting him from outside. Will looked up at Nico and pecked his lips softly muttering a small ‘thank you’. Nico just smiled , a soft pink covering his cheeks.
A while after when he thought Will was asleep he leaned down to kiss Will’s forehead and said “I’ll go to the afterdeath with you tesoro. You’re my cuore .
Will smiled and muttered into Nico’s neck “Ti amo più di ieri ma meno di domani. Always will”
“Y-you w-were awake? And you learned Italien? D-do you know what it means?” Nico asked his face a blushing mess the depth of the sentence making is chest tight, feeling so much love for his ‘ significant annoyance ’ .
“Of course I do . I love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow”