Chapter Text
there had always been something eerily beautiful about seoul at night. jungwon’s eyes scanned over the lights in the distance as he allowed a puff of air to soar past his lips and fog up the window before him. it was startling how the man-made red, blue and purple hues mixed in a fierce resistance to mother nature’s darkness while it swallowed the city. however, jungwon soon found that even the brightest of man’s lights could be blocked out as he shut the curtains and returned back to his sofa.
it was odd to think that somewhere beyond the glass of his window and hiding in the urban jungle was jay. he’d still be dancing now, pushing his body past every limit he hadn’t bothered to set and exhausting himself in the name of perfection. jungwon could just about see the very top of the tower where his boyfriend worked from their apartment, his eyes hardly ever left it on nights like this. of course, the boy had made a habit of longingly staring over at wherever jay was.
the clock ticked over to eleven then. jungwon was almost surprised when he glanced at the neon numbers, just one more hour and then it would be a new year.
it was hard to even imagine how everyone else in the city was feeling. new year’s eve was a social occasion, everyone either spent it with friends, family or even strangers yet jungwon found himself sadly accustomed to experiencing it alone. loneliness made the fireworks sombre and the cheers simply became annoying. they acted as a reminder of the happiness that jungwon once held so dearly, a happiness his tired heart was beginning to forget.
nowadays, the new year never felt like a new beginning because it had never proved to be that. sure, this next year might have brought a new expensive apartment or a new piece of jewellery or a new phone or car yet none of that ever came close to filling the jay shaped hole in jungwon’s life. of course, he had tried to understand jay’s passion, he had tried to be level-headed when his boyfriend returned home exhausted and went straight to bed but he just never quite could. there was no part of jungwon that would ever understand how jay could treat him as if he hardly existed even though he loved him.
jay had spent the last ten years of his life training ruthlessly. ever since jungwon had known him, dance had been his thing. they’d done the university experience together with jungwon supporting jay at every event he ever performed at, they’d moved in together when they graduated and jungwon would give his boyfriend a massage every night to hopefully make him a little less achy the next morning. it had worked somewhat because not long after graduation, jay had been scouted by seoul’s top choreography studio.
jungwon hadn’t seen him much ever since then.
it wasn’t surprising at all how quickly jay had risen through their ranks. he’d begun co-choreographing for smaller idol groups and not even a year later his choreographies were being performed by some of the biggest groups in korea on national television and far beyond. of course, jungwon couldn’t help but feel stupidly proud yet the nagging feeling of loneliness had already began to cement itself in his heart even then.
some part of jungwon felt selfish for wanting jay to think of him more than he thought of his work. he knew both how important jay’s job was to him and to those who he was creating the choreographies for. however, an even bigger part of jungwon just wanted nothing more than to feel jay lying beside him when he woke up even for one morning. one morning would be enough to pretend that things were still how they used to be.
jungwon switched the tv on then, half of out boredom and half out of desperation to be freed from his thoughts. there was some report on about the countries that had already greeted the new year and jungwon could only watch on as the sydney harbour bridge was illuminated in colour on his screen. he thought about the people celebrating in other countries and quickly remembered that jay hadn’t been back to his own home country in nearly 8 years, it was funny really that even though the american boy’s parents lived in korea jungwon saw them more than jay did.
when 11:30 arrived, jungwon found it hard to bite back a bitter sort of smile. just how long had he spent staring at that muted tv lost in thoughts of his boyfriend? it wasn’t as if anything would change, it wasn’t as if jay was on his way home ready to press a soft kiss to his lips as the clock hit 12 for the first time in years. no, jay hardly ever arrived home before 1am so why would today be any different?
jungwon couldn’t help the way that his heart sank deeper with every tick of the clock. he’d watched it for a few minutes, taking note when 11:31 turned to 11:32 then 11:33, before he managed to knock himself out of his stupor and reach over to reopen the curtains.
the sky was still black with faint tinges of warm hues lying around the skyline, he supposed the skyline never did change much at night. jungwon had lost count of how many hours he had spent staring at the same black sky from the same window and desperately hoping to see a star that he could lay a wish on. of course, this never happened in the polluted city sky and instead the boy took this as another sign that he would never really reach happiness unless he left.
this thought seemed to make something in jungwon snap as he yanked the curtains closed for the second time that night. the whole occasion seemed pointless. why should he celebrate a new year that would be exactly the same as the last one? why should he celebrate 365 more days of going to work and coming home to an empty apartment? why should he celebrate another year of loneliness?
the bleak reality was that new years eve had never really meant a new beginning. the change of the date wasn’t going to allow jungwon to wake up with jay by his side. no, he would continue to only see his boyfriend briefly on sunday nights when jay was far too tired to do anything but sleep and the brief moments where the older would climb in bed next to him and fall straight into a deep slumber.
jungwon glanced back over to the tv. 5 minutes left to go.
his actions became restless then as the boy quickly wiped at his eyes in a fruitless attempt to stop his tears from falling. it just seemed so stupid to spending such an occasion this way, jungwon almost wished that he was simply a character in some poorly written teen angst novel. wouldn’t that be perfect? wouldn’t it be amazing if jay suddenly waltzed into their apartment with a bouquet of flowers and a sudden realisation that jungwon meant even a tiny bit more to him than his job?
it wasn’t going to happen though.
the sound of the countdown met jungwon’s ears then. thousands of people had gathered not so far from the apartment and they all shouted into the night in unison. however, jungwon couldn’t find it within himself to join in, instead, for every number a tear rolled it’s way down the boy’s face and soon it felt so overwhelming that jungwon could hardly breathe.
something in his heart felt like it was being torn in two. one half of his heart screamed that he loved jay, of course he did, he had loved the older for so long he hardly knew how to do anything else, yet the impenetrable isolation he was feeling was just far too much. the ice cold left side of the bed was too much, the empty cups of coffee on the kitchen counter every morning were too much, the countless days spent not interacting with anyone at all was too much.
yet, the other side was so much different.
it reminded him of the time’s they spent together in university and of the jay who would wait outside all of jungwon’s classes, it reminded him of the jay who would take him on a bike ride by the river and buy him a dozen red roses for no other reason than, ‘it makes you happy.’ maybe jungwon was foolish, maybe he was dumb, maybe he should’ve left jay long before now but the thought of leaving left an uncomfortable pain deep in his chest. leaving felt like both the best and the worst option and honestly, jungwon hated making decisions that made him feel so utterly helpless. instead, he lay on the couch and listened to the final few seconds of the new year countdown as the voices of those outside harmonised with his pained sobs.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
happy new year!
jungwon closed his eyes tightly as the loud bang of a firework echoed through the room. then the world turned black.
—
when jungwon’s eyes finally cracked open, he found himself shutting them mere seconds later because of the brightness that was filtering through his curtains. confusion hit him for a brief second, why was there light coming through the curtains? it didn’t make sense, his and jay’s bedroom curtains were blacked out right?
ah, he must’ve fallen asleep in the lounge.
jungwon’s sleepy mind took this explanation quickly and he nestled back down into the pillow and pulled the duvet further over his head. it warmed his heart ever so slightly that jay must have been the one to make sure he was warm and comfortable when he was greeted with the sight of his boyfriend passed out on the couch. however, jungwon couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly upset that he had managed to fall asleep before he could even wish his boyfriend a happy new year.
regardless though, there was nothing that could be done now, just the fact that light was pouring into the room meant that jay would have already left for work again. instead, jungwon decided just to fall back into his dreamless sleep and hope that he could meet jay there instead.
it was, however, only two minutes later that the door creaked open.
“jungwon, we’ve been calling you for like 2 hours are you going to get up or what?” sunoo’s voice rang out across the room and jungwon was just about to beg for five more minutes before his brain finally started working properly. wait, sunoo?
“w-what?” jungwon sprung up so quickly that he felt light headed and as his eyes began to focus, panic started to settle in his stomach.
“are you okay?” sunoo edged closer with concern spreading across his features as jungwon's head whipped around at unimaginable speeds.
none of it made sense. jungwon’s eyes glanced over the walls and at the posters that he hadn’t seen for more than five years, sunoo was stood in front of him staring at him incredulously as though nothing was out of the ordinary other than the way in which jungwon was reacting. the younger boy grabbed on to his nightstand to steady himself but it was to no avail.
“sunoo, what is happening? where’s jay? why am i at home? why are you wearing your university jacket?” jungwon allowed his head to keep running at a million miles an hour as he bombarded his best friend with questions, “is this some weird joke?”
“jungwon, what are you talking about?” sunoo looked extremely concerned now as he took a seat on the edge of the younger’s bed, “you’re at home because you live here, i’m wearing my university jacket because i have class in an hour and jay? why would i know where jay is?”
“what?” jungwon breathed out, “is he still in seoul? why am i here? did you start a new course?”
“no, what?” sunoo responded, “are we talking about the same jay? jay, park jongseong who you swear not to have a crush on but you keep talking about all the time?”
“what?” jungwon questioned again, “park jongseong my boyfriend for the last nearly 7 years? sunoo you’re gonna have to tell me if this is a prank because i’m beginning to think i’ve lost my mind,” the younger admitted.
“i’m beginning to think you have too,” sunoo breathed out, “jungwon, you and jay hardly know each other, he’s just sunghoon’s friend, you’ve spoken like a maximum of five times, i think i’d know if you’d been dating him since you were 13.”
“i haven’t been dating him since i was 13, i’ve been dating him since i was 19, sunoo what are you talking about?” jungwon breathed out anxiously.
“jungwon, you are 19, how have you been dating him for 7 years?”
“i’ve what? sunoo i’m literally 26? it’s 2029 now? it was new year yesterday, are you insane?”
sunoo breathed out a shaky breath before pulling his phone from deep in his pocket and showing jungwon the date on his calendar, 19th april 2022
jungwon felt his whole world turn upside down before everything went black once again.
—
it was a few hours before jungwon finally managed to open his eyes for the second time, sunoo was still sat by his side but this time the boy was scrolling through his phone absent-mindedly rather than making any attempt to wake jungwon from his slumber.
“sunoo,” jungwon breathed out to get his friend’s attention and it was less than a second before sunoo was at his side with worried eyes trained on him once more.
“how are you feeling now?” sunoo asked.
“the same,” the younger replied before sitting up properly and facing his friend yet now with a much clearer mind than before.
“don’t shoot me down here but i’ve been researching,” sunoo begun, “are you and jay having problems?” he asked cautiously as if he was afraid that jungwon would break at any given moment, or that he was afraid that the whole thing had been a weird dream.
“uh…” jungwon trailed off, “well, i don’t think he thinks so but i definitely feel like we are.”
“that would make sense,” sunoo spoke so quietly that jungwon barely heard it.
“what do you mean?” the younger questioned back.
“well, apparently there’s some old myth or something…” he paused as he read more of whatever webpage he found, “it says that if you and your lover are having problems or one person is thinking about leaving the other, you can be sent back to before you really knew each other to relive your best memories so you get a reminder of why you got together in the first place, it says you can change things by making them better but if you make them worse things will be the same as they were by the time you return to the present day,” sunoo explained and jungwon felt as if he was about to pass out for the third time that morning.
“so you’re saying jay is here too?” the younger asked bewildered but slightly hopeful.
“that’s the thing, the person who is in the past is said to go completely missing from their present day life for two weeks,” sunoo spoke out slowly while his best friend desperately attempted to process everything that he was hearing.
“so you’re saying that jay is stuck in the future and i’m just not there?” jungwon asked and his mind began whirring once more. it was understandably a lot to take in, he’d just disappeared? it didn’t make sense at all, jungwon didn’t even want to consider how jay might be feeling, he imagined the older running around the town frantically begging to find him, he imagined jay driving to their old home to see if jungwon was there but not finding him. yet, as soon as those thoughts arrived, they brought with them the lingering fear that none of that would be true.
what if jay wasn’t desperately trying to find him? what if he hadn’t even noticed that jungwon was gone, maybe he thought that it must’ve slipped his mind that the younger was going on vacation or something of the like or maybe jay hadn’t been home yet. jungwon guessed that time would pass much faster for him in the past than it would for jay in the present day, or he hoped that much at least.
“jungwon,” sunoo’s voice knocked him from his spiralling thoughts, “what’s the last thing that you remember?”
the younger hardly wanted to recall his final thoughts from the present day before he was ripped away. it felt like the fact that he had thought of leaving jay was despicable and jungwon cursed himself for even letting the idea run through his mind, sunoo quickly noticed the pained look on his friend’s face and he moved over a little to lay a supportive hand on his shoulder.
“it was new years eve,” jungwon cast his mind back to the glow of the city and the feeling of his heart shattering into two, “and jay was still at work as always, he doesn’t get home before 1am ever these days and by the time i wake up he’s already gone again,” the boy paused to breathe, “i could see the tower where he worked from our window, we live right in the centre of the city you know because of how well his job pays him now but anyway, it got a bit too much so i shut the curtains and tried to drown out the countdown, i cried myself to sleep and woke up here.”
sunoo offered jungwon a sympathetic look as the younger told his story, tears pricked at the corner of his eyes as he spoke and suddenly the thought of jay noticing that their apartment was devoid of any life but him made jungwon feel a little sick.
“that makes sense you know,” sunoo spoke when he noticed his best friend quickly becoming distressed again, “you sound like you both need a reminder of what life was like for you in the past, especially jay.”
“especially me i think,” jungwon managed to breathe out bitterly, “i was thinking of leaving him, i actually considered it for a second,” he breathed out as if it was the most ridiculous thought that had ever passed through his mind, “what was i thinking?”
“jungwon,” sunoo spoke to get the boy’s attention, “from what you’ve told me i don’t think that thought was stupid at all, relationships should never be one-sided you know.”
“i know,” jungwon spoke after a second yet still he cursed himself in his head for thinking such a thing. it was his fault that they had ended up like this, any panic and confusion that present day jay was feeling now was his fault.
-
once jungwon finally calmed down and after he took a few more minutes to let the entire situation fully sink in, the two boys focused their energy on making sure that jungwon wouldn’t look stupidly out of place in his past life.
of course, they knew that it would be weird. jungwon had gone considerably far into the past after all and he had to know what he was doing in class, be able to talk casually with his university friends again and hardest of all, he had to pretend that jay was just another acquaintance for the time being.
“i think i know why i’ve come back to this date,” jungwon interrupted whilst sunoo was going through a few things that he might have forgotten or might need to know.
“what?” his best friend asked, “you think there’s a reason?”
“yeah,” jungwon admitted, “it’s jay’s birthday tomorrow, the first time we had a real conversation and well… talked a lot about many other important things was because he invited the two of us to his party.”
realisation dawned on sunoo then and his mouth opened in shock, “you’re right, he told sunghoon to bring his friends along, that must be where you need to start again from.”
“the very beginning,” jungwon breathed out.
“yeah, it said online that the people in the worst situations tend to go back to the very beginning because they have to most to relearn and fix, you might be here for a while,” sunoo explained and jungwon flopped back down on his bed with a groan.
“i don’t know if i love or hate this situation, i’m probably gonna lose my job as well,” he replied.
“you have a job?” sunoo asked sounding a bit more surprised than jungwon would have liked him to.
“yeah, what do you think i do? live on jay’s money?” he asked.
“why not?” sunoo laughed, “if he’s rich enough to ignore you he’s rich enough to pay for your existence isn’t he?”
“that makes no sense and you know it but for your information i work as a psychologist for a law company,” jungwon huffed indignantly.
“wait, that sounds so interesting though, why didn’t i do that?” sunoo asked and his eyes widened as he begun to consider the idea.
jungwon only laughed as he thought back into the future and to how sunoo was an award winning photographer for his own company that he had built on hard work alone. “no, i think you have bigger and better things in your future.”
sunoo looked up at him then with excited eyes, “you know all about me don’t you, please tell me,” the boy begged, “what is my job? am i married? do i have any pets? where do i live?”
“am i even supposed to tell you?” jungwon laughed, “isn’t that against time travel code?”
“i don’t know,” sunoo admitted, “it said online that the people you meet in your old life will forget as soon as you leave so i don’t think it matters.”
jungwon thought it over again before offering his friend a mischievous smile and a deal, “okay, you help me out in adjusting as much as i can and not looking weird and for every day you do, i’ll tell you one thing about your future.”
“deal,” sunoo replied immediately, “do i get anything for researching for an hour and finding out the reason why you’re here?”
jungwon hummed in response before smiling and turning back to the older boy, “let’s just say you and sunghoon are very close.”
“what?!” sunoo asked immediately as his eyes widened comically and he nearly sprung up from his chair, “what do you mean very close? give me details that’s cruel.”
“i’ll tell you tomorrow,” jungwon smiled. he’d never felt so powerful.