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Chapter Text

Interface Tape

—-

The Planet Express ship docked inside the company bay, allowing the overhead canopy to close and clank shut before the crew filed out. Fry stretched his arms and congratulated everyone on a job well done as he made his way down the ramp, all while Leela and Bender unloaded the large crate from the mission.

Leela scoffed at him, “Fry you didn’t do anything.”

“Did too! I got this sweet jacket!” He proudly displayed the red coat he was always seen wearing.

“That looks exactly like your other one from the previous century.” She and Bender placed the box down.

Bender replied, “That’s cause it is! I mugged the mugger that took it off‘m.”

Fry adjusted his collar. “Psh, you’re just jealous.”

The Professor yelled down from the upper level, “It's about time! Bring that thing over here!”

Leela and Bender groaned as they went upstairs with the crate. They placed it onto the meeting table before the Professor took out a crowbar and struggled with the box’s lid. His foot slipped and the bar dug forward, cracking it open. “At last!”

The crew looked in and saw plasma rifles, thin and sleek weaponry designed for long range shooting. Leela picked one up, “Uh? Professor?”

Amy leaned in, “Woah!”

Farnsworth took one and aimed down sights to the bottom of the hanger. “They are perfect!” He fired it and a distant owl hooted out of fear and surprise.

Leela put hers back in the crate, “Why do you need these Professor?”

“Because Hermes and I need to practice skeet shooting if we ever want to enter the finals.” He pressed a button on the desk, “Oh Hermes! They are here!”

The bureaucrat entered with Zoidberg and proclaimed happily as he was handed one, “Jah man! They look perfect!”

Zoidberg picked up a rifle, “Their grips are too flimsy, I can barely get a claw in.”

Amy twirled her hair as she picked one up. “Is this for the tournament in Queens?”

Hermes posed with the rifle like a trophy hunter, “Yep! Those pigeons won’t know what hit ‘em!”

Fry tilted his head, “You guys still have that? Just shooting clay plates?”

Farnsworth chuckled, “Well they use robotic pigeons now mostly.”

Bender picked up a gun and used the plasma shot to light his cigar. “It's a good gig for the pigeons.”

Leela grabbed the guns from everyone, “Alright Professor. But you didn’t need to order so many! These can be dangerous.”

Farnsworth fumbled, “But they had a surplus sale!”

She closed the crate and huffed, “Keep them somewhere safe until your competition then. I don’t want these idiots getting into them!” She gestured at Fry scratching himself, Bender releasing a flaming burp, and Zoidberg trying to catch a fly by hitting himself.

“Very well then.”

Fry grabbed Bender as he realized what time it was. “Hey! We’re gonna miss the celebrity gossip part of the evening news!”

Bender gasped, dropping his cigar. “You’re right!” The two then headed for the break room couch. Fry turned on the TV as Bender popped the cap off a beer, they both leaned back comfortably as the program started.

Linda, the news anchor, laughed at her co-host’s joke, “I’m sure the BOFA administration learned its lesson!” She turned to face the camera. “And now onto celebrity robot news.” A picture of Calculon appeared in a square beside her.

Bender sat up quickly before shouting, “Everybody shuddup!”

Linda grinned and a photo of Calculon‘s newest book appeared. “The star of ‘All My Circuits’ has been very busy lately planning his book tour.” The book’s title read: Dictated but not read, the dictation of my life.

Bender grumbled, “That's not news!” He tipped the beer bottle into his mouth as he continued to watch. Calculon had been repaired after getting crushed by set equipment a while back, eager to return to the acting world, and just as eager to milk his return in many ways.

Linda was straight faced, “-but it may have to go on hold after rumors have surfaced about a sex tape involving the dashing robot.” A new square appeared with a photo of Coilette and Calculon on a yacht.

Bender spit out his beer and gasped wildly.

“Fans should be familiar with Calculon’s engagement to Olympian five gold medal winner, Coilette, who passed away tragically after succumbing to-”

Bender quickly stood from the couch, “IMPOSSIBLE! There is no way!”

Fry shushed him, “I wanna hear!” By now Amy and Leela had joined in to listen as well.

Linda went on, “This blackmailer announced that they would sell the interface tape to the highest bidder-”

Bender’s legs were clacking as he shook in fear, “No!”

“We reached out to Calculon for comment, but he did not respond.” The camera zoomed out so that Morbo could join the frame.

The green monster laughed. “Pathetic!” He then took over the screen, “The blackmailer is currently asking for one million dollars, a paltry sum of money for such groundbreaking video footage.”

Bender flipped the table and pointed at the screen, “You’re damn right it is!”

Morbo continued after briefly checking his earpiece, “This just in, a website has been set up for the tape, and the current bid is at two million.”

Fry whistled, impressed. “Wow Bender, people really wanna see that video of you and Calculon.”

Bender stuttered before lashing out, “T-the hell they do! This is a travesty! That video is private! It’s between Calculon and I! It’s no one else’s business to see it! How did some rat even film us!?”

Fry squinted at him. “I thought you said you didn’t sleep with Calculon?”

Leela put the table back in its original upright position as Bender retorted, “I didn’t!” He had shifty eyes and played with his fingers. “I didn’t go anywhere near his glistening handsome body while on his yacht, hot air balloon,or lavish estate.”

Amy scoffed, “Then what's the big deal? The footage is probably fake then?”

Bender stammered again, “Err, well…”

Linda was back on the screen, “We have reached out for a comment from the current bidder! Hedonismbot.” It then cut to the reclined golden robot’s yard as a newscaster held a microphone up to his face.

The senator was as bubbly as always. “There hasn’t been such fantastic celebrity drama quite like this since that documentary about my summer home! Ahohoho! A tape of this nature will go perfectly with my,” he paused briefly, “collection,” the robot then began to rub his golden chest before adding, “Oh my, yes.”

Bender pointed at the TV, “You won’t get your greedy claws anywhere near that tape!”

Morbo took over after the clip ended, “The police are currently working on finding the blackmailer’s whereabouts, but until then, the tape’s auction will continue until Friday night.”

Fry gasped. “The end of the week? Who knows how far off that is?!”

Leela crossed her arms, “Well today is Thursday.”

Bender gasped. “Then I’ve got…” he counted on his fingers, “Till tomorrow?!” he all but screamed, rather dramatically.

Amy leaned in, “How are you gonna outbid Hedonismbot, Bender?”

Bender smashed his beer bottle and pointed it at her. “With a loan from the first national bank of Wong!”

Amy rolled her eyes at the relatively hollow threat. “Oh, please. I don’t get that much allowance, and you know I just finished putting in a new water nook for my Kiffy.”

Bender sobbed and dropped the broken glass. “Oh god you're right!”

“No splah.”

Bender fell to the floor, “It’s not fair!”

Fry pulled up the website on his phone, “It says Billionairebot has it increased to three million!”

Bender sobbed loudly, “No!”

Leela patted the robot, “There there. I mean if you didn’t record it, and if Calculon didn’t record it…neither of you recorded it right?”

Bender sniffled, “Neither of us could’ve! I have no idea who it could be.”

Fry added, unhelpfully, “It says Wong Industries placed a bid for three-point-five million!”

Amy cringed, “Ew! Why would my parents want a tape like that!?”

Bender used Leela to help him stand, “I can’t believe this crook has tarnished the noble art of blackmail! Filming me without my permission whilst doing something so private! Who does this skeezball think he is, a gas station surveillance system!?”

Fry put away his phone, “I’m sorry Bender.”

Bender stomped his foot cuff, “And without even paying me my share!”

Morbo boomed as he continued with the celebrity gossip, “This comes only days after announcing his new controversial role.”

Bender turned, “Say what now?”

“The star of ‘All my Circuits’ has undergone a fembot transformation for the titular role of ‘Sally’ in his up-and-coming film: ‘Sally Sells Sea Shells’, set for this holiday season.” The television displayed a photo of a beautiful golden fembot, one with Calculon’s features, searing eyes, and a short bob haircut, but minus his antennae.

Bender extended his eyes. “Woah mama!” he gasped as his body shook.

Amy pointed at the screen, “Oh yeah! I listened to the audiobook summary of the book that movie is based on!”

Morbo continued his report, “Here is an exclusive clip!” The fembot Calculon appeared on the screen with another fembot. The co-star was silvery blue with coils at the sides of her head like a poodle’s ears.

Leela spoke up, “That's Jezebolt! She won the ‘Super Space Dance Battle’ last year!”

The bots were sitting on the beach, sifting through sand. Calculon wiped at his effeminate brow, then stated in a high voice, “These seashells aren’t going to collect themselves.”

Jezebolt sighed and placed a basket of shells on the ground, “But what about collecting more than shells?”

“More? Than. Shells?” Calculon stood, wearing a thin red bikini that hugged his fembot curves tightly. Bender stood rigid before his antenna exploded and he fell face first onto the floor with a clang.

The clip ended and Linda laughed, “Fans of the ‘Socially Sustainable Seashell Association’ will love this movie!”

Bender wobbled and gripped the table as Fry and Leela tried to help him up. “I-I need to lie down.”

The report continued with Linda, “Calculon’s co-star, Jezebolt Twobitz, has stated she is happy that Calculon took on the controversial role, but has not made any comments regarding the tape.”

Morbo shuffled some paperwork on the news desk. “Calculon claims he will return to his previous appearance after filming ends.”

Leela tapped her chin, “Maybe that's the blackmailer’s motive?”

Fry turned to Bender, “Do you think Calculon might know whose behind it?”

Bender rummaged around inside his chest cavity before pulling out a new antenna and screwing it in. “He better not! If he is in cahoots with anyone I’ll kill him!”

Amy was speaking to her mom in another language, telling her the news about Wong bidding, apparently her dad was about to be in big trouble.

Leela shook her head and said, “Let's go see how Calculon is dealing with this then, shall we?”

—-

Not so well it would seem. The actor was throwing things around his mansion and cursing out any aid that came near him. He was still in a fembot body and sounded like he had on the tv.

“How could this have happened!” He stormed out of his home and dramatically leaned on the portico in his backyard, “Who could be behind such a thing?” He gripped at the air, “And that blasted studio, not even bothering to pay off the blackmailer!”

Bender replied, “I know right!?” as he and Fry appeared from the bushes. Leela followed close behind after locking the ship parked in the yard with her remote beeper.

Calculon gasped when he spotted his technically official stocker, “Bender!” He motioned to go inside but Bender grabbed his wrist.

“Listen! I wanna help you!”

Calculon pulled away, “Help me how?”

Fry stepped in, “By getting the tape back!” He paused and said, “By the way, you look great.”

Calculon posed in his slim and curvy body, “Why thank you.” He stood normally again, “I’ll be out of it by tonight since filming has wrapped.”

Bender made a sad expression. “Really? You-you don't want to stay in it just a bit longer?” He then took out his camera and snapped some photographs.

“Certainly not!” He gestured to his chest and curves, “It's very distracting! This is only for a part.” He posed dramatically again, “Although I could try for best ACTRESS! If I kept this body.” He shook his head, “But alas, I miss my old chassy and antenna.”

Bender finger gunned at him, “I can relate to that.” Leela crossed her arms at how the secret was still kept from Calculon.

Calculon was suddenly sollem, “But this is terrible news! If that tape is real, it’s one of the last few things left I have of Coilette.”

Bender’s optics blinked, “Really?”

Calculon put his hand dramatically to his head, “I can’t have her good name besmirched by a smut film! An unofficial one at that! One that- that a cowardly evil doer took from some fetid corner!”

Bender sniffled with respect, “You can’t?”

“Certainly not! I don’t care how much it costs, no one is getting that tape but me!” Calculon paused and looked around, “Although, I would also like that tape…for sentimental reasons.”

Bender nodded, “I agree.”

Calculon shook his head, “ALAS! It must be destroyed!”

Bender nodded, “I agree.”

Fry interjected, “It’s at 10 million, the highest bidder is Nixon.”

They both gasped, “WHAT?!”

Fry turned the phone around to show them a video. The president in a jar proclaimed, “Aroo! This flick is a piece of American history! It belongs to the people, so I won’t hesitate to spend every dime of taxpayer money to acquire it!”

Bender fell to the floor and sobbed again, “NO!!!”

Leela helped Bender back up with a grunt, “We’ll find this tape.”

Calculon pleaded, “Please-if you do, bring it back here?”

Bender pointed firmly at the acting unit, “Mark my words Calculon, I’ll get that tape! I’ll work on it all night if I have to!”

—-

But once back at Planet Express Headquarters, Hermes sat everyone down for a meeting. “Okay people, we will work on this all night if we have to!” He used a laser pointer to introduce his newest video tape, Planetary Systems Section A- Planet Class: M. Bender. The tape was as uninteresting as it sounded. A long droning, monotone informational video about ship safety, planetary succession, and vigilance.The whole crew groaned, even Scruffy - the janitor.

Farnsworth waved goodbye, “Ahoho, you all enjoy, I’ve already had to sit through that bunk.”

Hermes gasped, “It's not bunk!” but the professor had left.

Fry tried to speak up, “But Hermes we have to help Bender-!”

“No way mahn, we all gotta watch. It can wait till tomorrow.” The tape started to play and the crew slumped in their chairs. The tape started to play and slowly but surely they each fell asleep. Hermes soon realized and loudly clapped to wake everyone up. “For Jah's sake, if you are going to sleep through the whole thing!”

Fry snorted awake, Bender jumped up, Leela awoke with a jolt, and Zoidberg fell from his chair. Amy gasped, “Oh spleck! I forgot to tell Kif I’d be home late.”

Zoidberg stretched and patted Hermes, “Fantastic video my friend.” Hermes pulled away from him with disgust.

Hermes popped the vhs tape out and handed it to Fry as the delivery boy was rubbing his eyes. “Fry-mon, you and that tincan need to watch it more than anyone! I’ve had three reports on you two within the last week alone.”

Bender gasped as he saw the time, “Dammit Hermes! I haven't done anything to help Calculon! Now I'm out a whole night worth of scheming to see where I can find that much money!”

Fry grimaced, “There there buddy, we can try, I dunno, robbing a bank? Would that cheer you up?”

The robot sniffled, “Maybe?’

Fry nodded, "We'll get that tape don't worry."

Hermes pressed a button to close the projection screen. “What kind of tape are you two bean stalks talking about?”

Bender sobbed, “Tell him Fry…”

“Er. Um. Well you remember when Bender was Coilette?”

“I do.”

Fry scratched his neck awkwardly. “Well he and Calculon, um, may or may not have made a," he whispered and used finger quotations, "sex tape.”

Hermes gasped, “Sweet bisque of Tamarisk!”

Bender blubbered, “And some low life, who isn’t me, is pawning it off to the highest bidder, who also isn't me!” He cried hysterically and banged on the table.

Fry checked his phone, “Yep, and the bidding is at 15 million. Nixon is the highest bid right now.” It beeped and he checked it, “Oh wait, 16 million, some mysterious organization called ‘M-Corp’.”

Fransworth walked into the room as other members left. “What's with all the racket?”

Bender blubbered, “My sex tape is up for sale!”

“Oh my.”

Hermes rubbed his chin. "Let the professor and me handle dis, we'll think of something by morning."

Fry stretched out and yawned. "Fair enough, thanks." He turned to grip Bender's hand. "C'mon buddy you need to rest." He dragged Bender out as the robot continued to be dramatic and drag the office desk along beside him.

--

Later that Friday, Bender coaxed Zoidberg into getting atop Planet Express building to plant a satellite dish, allowing them to try and find the transfer data. Bender held the ladder as Zoidberg maneuvered the dish back and forth.

“C’mon Zoidberg put your back into it!”

The crustacean grunted, “I’m trying ro-bit, I am.”

Fry was ecstatic as he ran outside, “It worked! Hermes and The Professor were able to find the guy!”

Bender threw the ladder, “Really!?” They dashed inside as Zoidberg fell into the hangar with a trilling cry.

The two of them ran into the shipping bay as Farnsworth used the fing-longer to point out a home in an uppercrust area of New New York. “We’ve pin-pointed the location of your blackmailer.” Both he and Hermes were in pristine green and white skeet shooter uniforms.

Hermes smiled, “Thank Amy. She placed another bid and we were able to track it.”

Amy shrugged, “My dad said he’d buy me a new hoverboard if I took the fall for him, I was immediately outbid so it's okay.”

Leela walked past them with a glare while carrying a ladder. She then made her way towards Zoidberg who was barely hanging on to the open hanger doors.

Hermes added, “The bank routing information is to this address,” the computer printed out the details and he held up the paper, “We can leave now but-”

Bender cut him off, “WELL THEN LET'S GO ALREADY!” His arms extended to scoop up the bureaucrat and Fry before dashing down the steps to the ship.

The Professor prattled on as the ship began to take off, “I’d say the blackmailer will be prepared for you. They are probably determined to keep it safe.”

Amy raised her hand, “Uh, Professor.”

The Professor removed his glove, “That's why I want you to take Leela, to be on the safe side.”

The Planet Express ship flew out of the hull, Leela and Zoidberg screamed as the ship’s boosters caused the ladder to fall and they crashed onto the floor.

—-

The electric mucus-green ship landed in the blackmailer’s tennis court, snapping the netting, scaring birds from the surrounding trees, and creating a ruckus. As the hatch opened, Bender quickly stormed out, “Where is he!? Where is this no good rat?”

Hermes and Fry joined him, stepping onto the court before walking towards a modestly large home. Fry whistled, “Nice digs.” It looked extravagant, but nearly as much as Calculon’s. A square robot rolled its way out of the back door. Fry gasped in recognition, “Oh my God! You’re from ‘All My Circuits’!”

Boxy beeped at them, confused as to why they were in his backyard.

Bender pointed at him sternly, “It was you!?”

Boxy beeped once.

“Don’t you try to deny it!”

Boxy beeped again, still confused.

“You’re the blackmailer, you’re the one running the auction for my- for Calculon’s tape!”

Boxy beeped in fear.

Fry crossed his arms, “Yeah! Now hand it over!”

Boxy beeped out a story, one that told of how he had filmed them while at a party on Calculon‘s yacht. He had kept the tape, wanting to humiliate Calculon one day and decided to use the newest scandal as an opportune time.

Bender threw his hands in the air, “Enough!” Boxy rolled backward into a corner as Bender menacingly came towards him. “You! You-you! Ugh! I can’t think of a-!”

Hermes spoke for him, “Sugar cane snake in the Saccharum grass!”

Bender snapped at Boxy, “You square snake in the grass!”

Boxy beeped pleadingly. Saying another person demanded that the auction continue.

Bender cut him off, “I don’t care if you want the auction to go on!”

Boxy beeped that it wasn’t him.

Bender huffed, “Enough! Hand over the tape!” Boxy opened his front compartment and the vhs tape popped out. Fry took the tape as Bender pounced on Boxy, beating in his chest and causing his beeping to gargle. Bender shouted, “And you better not have made copies!”

Boxy beeped that he hadn’t as Bender kicked him.

“Stop right there!” A voice called out. They all turned to see Zap with a ray gun, “That tape’s auction ends at midnight! Where it will either belong to Nixon or Hedonismbot!” He cocked the gun and held it steady. "I'm here to ensure that it makes it there in one piece, capeesh?"

Bender dropped Boxy with a loud clunk. “Those two are still bidding over it!?”

Zap stood proud. “I was hired to keep it safe, and to catch a glimpse of the goods.” He waggled his eyebrow just before the gun was quickly shot out from his grip.

They all put their hands up and gasped as Mom appeared with her henchmen sons. She was wearing her skin tight catsuit, pointing a laser pistol. “The tape, now.” Boxy beeped and she pointed the gun to Fry, “Now be a good deary and give me that tape.”

Fry shook as he handed it over to her, “H-here you go mam.”

She laughed and tucked the large square tape away into her bra, “Excellent.”

Zap scoffed, “Stealing a robotic interface tape? I like your style, little lady.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “I don’t care what that party bot or the president are going to bid, I have enough money to win. So I might as well take it now.”

Bender gasped and turned to Boxy. “You sick bastard! Selling my tape to Mom!?” Bender kicked Boxy a few more times before Fry and Hermes grabbed him. “Leggo of me!”

Boxy beeped at Zap for being incompetant as Mom boarded her cruiser. She shouted out, “No filthy robot tape is going to make the news you hear me!”

Zap tried to defend himself as Boxy beeped at him more. Bender was carted back to the ship before the Planet Express took off into the night sky. Hermes let out a sigh defeat as he turned on the autopilot, “I’m sorry mon.”

Bender racked his metal fingers over his head, “Unbelievable! Mom is gonna see my tape! I can’t-”

Fry tapped his shoulder, “Here you go buddy.”

Bender gasped, “You kept it?”

Hermes was wide eyed, “But how!?”

“Well, we’ll be down one training video now.”

Bender sniffled as he took the tape, “Thank you! Meatbag.” He hugged Fry and squeezed him till he coughed for air.

Leela’s face appeared on the screen and her voice boomed over the intercom system, “What are you doing! Get back here!”

Bender waved the tape like a happy schoolboy. “Leela! Leela! We got my sex tape!”

She smiled, “Awh, good for you. Now get back here!”

LaBarbera edged in on the screen, apparently with Leela back at headquarters. “Husband! Don’t be telling me you went out to help that robot! You know Dwight has his recital tomorrow!”

Hermes groaned, “Woman! That recital isn’t until the afternoon!”

They bickered more as Bender stared at the tape, remembering it all too well. He remembered the ocean spray, the warm sun, and the free booze. The memory played in his head as he looked down at the only evidence of the event:

Calculon wrapped his hands around Coilette as they fell onto the plush bed. She let out a breathy moan with her sultry voice box and nuzzled his face, bringing him closer. Calculon pressed his mouth to hers and it created a flurry of sparks.

Hermes interjected, “Bender-mon?”

The robot looked up, “Huh?”

Fry replied, “He said, ‘What do you want to do with the tape now?’ You know, do you want to give it to Calculon?”

Bender shook his head to clear it, “Uh. Sure.” Hermes took the helm and angled it to their next destination. Bender put the tape into his chest compartment’s tape deck.

Fry patted him again. “You alright Bender? You don’t seem too excited to have it back?”

“Just give me a sec?”

“Sure.” Fry stood and walked over to Hermes, “Why would Boxy wanna blackmail Calculon though? Or humiliate him?”

“I dunno-mon…”

Bender played the tape for himself, closing his optic slider. Boxy had apparently leaned out from a corner with his camera function rolling. The angle of the scene wasn’t anything impressive, downright amateur, leaves from the plant Boxy was hiding behind kept blurring the focus. It had been on the yacht, after the party, the robot hadn’t lied. Bender was lost in the tape as the ship landed in the backyard of his ex-fiance’s estate. The footage barely captured what he had experienced:

Coilette felt the sparks fly, literally and internally. She happily gripped her boyfriend’s face and pressed against him. Calculon dipped his hands low to run his grips along Coilette's chassis. The angle was terrible but the audio was good.

Fry slapped him good naturedly on the back, “We’re here Bender.”

Bender startled out from watching the video and looked back at Fry. “Already?” It came out sounding more sad than surprised.

As they stepped off the ship, Calculon greeted them, “You’re back! Does that mean you found the tape!?” He was wearing his monogrammed robe and fuzzy slippers, back to his manbot appearance.

Fry ran to him. “You know it!”

Calculon held Fry’s shoulders. “That's fantastic!”

Bender handed the tape over. With barely hidden melancholy he replied, “Yep, it’s-, we got it.”

Calculon gripped it but Bender wouldn’t let go. The actor started to speak, “Thank-”, he tugged on the tape, “Thank you?” He struggled with it until Bender released his grasp. “Thank you.”

Bender coyly asked, “So are you gonna watch it or-?”

Calculon snapped it in two by raising his knee. “There. No more of this!” He threw the tape into the dirt, “Now tell me who the blackmailer was!” He stepped on the tape and grabbed Bender. “Who was the dirty rascal who tried to make a quick buck on my sexual prowess?”

Fry replied with an eagerness to share gossip, “It was Boxy! Your co-star!”

“Egad!” Calculon released Bender and stepped to Fry.

Bender turned and overlooked the crumpled film, he discreetly bent down and peered at the reel. Fry continued, “Do you know why he would do it?”

Calculon rubbed his metallic chin. “It was probably to get more money, holding out like I did when they wanted me to sign that movie deal for Circuitry Seven. I bet he thought he could tarnish my name to make my pay rate go down- and increase his!” He posed dramatically, “This would make a great motive for my half brother!”

Bender found the strip of the film he wanted to keep and snipped it out carefully, before standing back up. “Sounds about right!”

Fry nodded, “It would! Wait- you’re not mad at Boxy?” Bender was still behind them, but took out a beer to quickly chug.

Calculon shook his head, “Oh no,” he paused dramatically, “I am furious! But I also understand his motive.”

Bender let out a flaming burp that engulfed the remaining film strip and plastic. “Good, Boxy didn’t even try to cut us- you in on the scam.” He took out a cigar and lit it with the burning tape.

Hermes was incredulous, “He filmed you in your most private moment!? Shouldn’t you be more upset about that?”

Calculon posed at the sky, “I am- an ACT-TOR, I am used to being filmed. Boxy filming me with my beautiful Coilette, and then trying to sell it like a charlatan scalper later!- is relatively common.”

Fry put his hands in his pockets. “I guess that’s true, your other sex tapes had a higher production though right?”

Calculon pointed at him, “Exactly!”

Hermes scratched his head, “But Boxy said another person demanded that the auction continue? Shouldn't we-”

Calculon posed angrily. “When I see him for our next script read- then! then! he shall be in REAL trouble.” Calculon shook Fry’s hand before also shaking Hermes’, “Thank you both.” He then turned to Bender and hugged him, “Thank you for helping me.”

Bender felt his processor fill with emotion. “It was- no problem.” He hugged the golden robot back and savored the moment.

Calculon pulled away and announced, “If any of you ever need anything at all please don’t hesitate to ask, through my assistants of course.”

Fry grinned, “Of course! And good luck with your new movie.” He gave a thumbs up, “I thought you looked really pretty.”

Bender scoffed, “Fry don’t be ridiculous! He always looks pretty.”

Calculon pretended to be shy, “Thank you, thank you, but I’m afraid I have something I must confess.”

Bender leaned in, “You miss being a fembot because it connected you with a deep personal inner sense of self that you feel you can’t connect with as a manbot?”

Calculon blinked, “N-no. It's that I’m planning on getting,” he paused dramatically, “married!” He waved his hands.

Hermes clapped, “Congratulations!”

Bender stammered, “W-what?”

“While on set working with Jezebolt, we really connected, she understands me and she helped me with the role.”

Fry smiled, “That's great to hear!”

“Yes, I don’t know when the paparazzi will catch wind of it...”

A hollow wind seemed to blow through Bender as Calculon spoke. “But-but, what about Coilette? You-you can just move on from her?”

Calculon brought his hands up in an emotional display. “Coilette will always have a place in my hard drive, but I feel as though it is time to move on.”

Bender’s voice was small, “Move on?”

Calculon beamed. “So you three are invited to my wedding! As a token of my thanks.”

Fry fist pumped, “All right!”

Hermes was bashful, “That's very generous.”

Bender said nothing.

The crew walked back to the ship, with Bender slowly coming up the way. He stayed on the entry platform for a few extra seconds before climbing into the ship. Fry reclined as Hermes took the wheel before they blasted back into the night sky.

Bender took the thin reel of film that he had snipped from the VHS, he ran his metal fingers over it and looked to make sure Hermes and Fry were busy.

Fry was bouncing in his seat. “A celebrity wedding! What kind of gift should I bring?”

Hermes laughed, “What can you get someone who has everything?”

Bender then played the tape from inside his chest compartment, revealing the most important scene to him. Out of focus and mostly obstructed by leaves, but to him it played perfectly.

Coilette huffed as her optics clicked back on from her overload. The ceiling of the bedroom came into focus and she sat up slightly, closing her interface panel. Calculon was beside her, nuzzling her firm hair and lower face. Her whole body felt warm and fuzzy from the currents of electricity slowly subsiding within her.

He sat up with her and closed his own panel before holding her face. “Oh Coilette.” He lowered his voice to a whisper, “I love you.” She felt it, he truly did. She held him and knew she couldn’t stay like this forever, but deeply wanted to. She kissed him sweetly and sparks flew across the cabin.

Bender sighed as he lifted his optic panel and wiped at the ‘mist’ that had accumulated there. Their ship was docking in the hangar of Planet Express headquarters as he whispered, “I love you more.”

Fry stood. “You say something Bender?”

Bender was in a brief daze before putting on his best smile. "I said: Alright we did it!” He high-fived Fry, “Now let's get hammered!” He quickly pulled out a case of beer from his chest compartment.

Fry jumped and hooted, “YEAH!”

Bender passed the beers around, but didn’t drink any himself.

Chapter Text

Part 2

--

Fry was exhausted as Bender climbed the wall of the film studio. He spoke aloud to himself, “I only wanted to eat Bachelor chow and watch Hypnotoad.” Alas, now he was assisting in trespassing, a not too uncommon activity with Bender really. He yelled to his friend, “Bender, why are we doing this secretly?”

“Cause I don’t want Calculon to know!”

Fry glanced at the studio security booth not more than ten feet from them. “Well alright I guess.” He paused, “Maybe you might like his new fiancé. Maybe you can try to get to know her? I mean she can’t be as great as you but-”

Bender yelled back as he gripped the wall’s ivy, “You’re right Fry! Calculon has to settle! He has no choice once he’s had the best!”

“Well-”

“Now shuddup while I go find this skank and wish her a happy nuptials!” Once at the top, Bender yelled down, “Call me if you see her first!”

“Well what do I do if I see Calculon?”

“Nothing! Tell him I’m not here.” Bender disappeared beyond the wall as Fry turned to follow the outskirts of the studio lot.

“You got it.” As he stepped forward and looked away from the wall, he collided with the golden robot. Fry exclaimed in alarm, “H-hey Calculon!”

The robot was holding a script in his hands. “Hello! Surprised to see you here.” He saw the ladder and nodded. "Nice ladder."

"Thanks." Fry grinned, “I -uh, just wanted to wish you luck before your wedding.”

Calculon gasped, “Shh! And yet-How thoughtful!”

Fry nodded, “Why don’t you and me, just me- I am here alone- uh, go get some coffee?” He led the actor down the side wall.

“Well I should be rehearsing, but I can’t say no to such a fine proposal!”

Fry laughed nervously, "Hah hah! A fine proposal, yep."

Meanwhile, Bender tiptoed around the movie sets, wardrobe racks, and lighting fixtures. Taking glee in the fact that he had gone undetected so far. He halted when he spotted Jezebolt by some feather boas and decorative jazz paintings in a prop area

Her voice carried over the large department, “Do you think my character would really steal the blood diamonds? I mean they aren’t even made of real blood.” Bender hadn’t seen too much of her, even though she was in Calculon’s new movie. She remained a large mystery to him.

The aid, an unpaid intern-bot, stuttered to her, “I-I’ll make sure that props color them red?”

“Make sure that they do!” She poked the bot in the chest with a slim finger.

The intern wobbled and nodded before stepping away. Bender followed her as she left the department with a sway of her hips. Bender continued to follow her secretly, only knocking over a handful of props and wardrobe carts. She flicked her wrist, showing off the wedding ring from Calculon. The washer was made of thick palladium and glowed a slight green due to a large uranium chunk wedged in the middle.

Bender whispered to himself. “Nice! A ring like that must be worth a fortune. Calculon must-,” he paused, “love you…a whole lot.” Bender huffed to himself as he took out his camera, “C’mon lady you must have some kind of dirt on you.”

He hid behind one of the lot’s warehouse doors and drew his camera, but gasped when he saw the robot mafia making their way towards Jezebolt.

She put her hands on her hips as they approached. With a voice like a bell she asked, “Donbot, why are you bothering me at work?”

Clamps snapped at her, “You watch your pretty mouth around the Donbot!”

“Oh?” She posed like a model and shook her stiff hair with a flourish. “Or what?”

Joey Mousepad giggled, “I’m starting to see why Calculon likes you.”

She crossed her arms. “Good, he’s supposed to.”

Bender squinted from his hiding spot and whispered, “What do you mean by that?”

Donbot came between his men and held Jezebolt’s hand like a father. “Jezebolt, it's a pleasure to see you again, you look like a million bucks with that ring.” She moved her hand away from him as he continued, “Though you haven’t been returning my calls.” He gripped her arm.

“I’ve been busy planning a wedding,” but the Donbot led her into a fake prairie house backdrop inside a warehouse. Joey and Clamps blocked the way to give them privacy.

Bender stood to try and find a way to sneak in, he quickly turned and bumped into the studio’s hired security, URL and Smitty. “Ah crap.”

Smitty looked him over, “You got a pass?”

URL added, “By those shifty eyes, I’d say no.”

“Uhh…” Bender quickly looked around.

The intern from earlier appeared and stammered, “I-I found some red-”

Bender grabbed the bot and threw him at the security patrol. “Outta the way!” he shouted before darting to hide. He reached over some scaffolding and made his escape as security scrambled with the intern and began their search.

Bender climbed into the warehouse and looked down into the fake living room set to see Jezebolt standing akimbo with the Donbot. She turned her chin to the air and huffed, “You’re not getting the ring!”

Bender leaned in and took out his camera. “A juicy connection to the mafia eh?” He snapped a pic and grunted, “This aint enough to prove you aren’t worthy of Calculon though.”

The mafia leader talked in a low deep tone, “I want that ring as collateral, now hand it over.”

Her face contorted to look menacing. “I said no, you’ll get your money when I’m a rich and famous widow.”

Bender gasped lowly, “Widow?”

She continued, “I can’t show up to my own wedding without a ring!”

The Donbot gripped his cane angrily. “Fine, but the weddn’ is soon, so it's best I give you this now.” Donbot then handed her a square electric gun, “Once the ‘I do-s’ are done, he is done. Capeesh?” He looked around suspiciously as the weapon was handed off.

Jezebolt grabbed the gun and replied with a dark ire, “Once Calculon is dead, I will use his money to pay off my debts to you once and for all.”

“Two birds one stone, he owes me plenty but keeps weaseling out of it with new death certificates.” He stamped his cane to the ground, “Shoot that hazbin where he won’t come back.”

“Got it. His heart.”

“No. His data unit.” Don pointed a finger to his own chest, “This gun will wipe all his electrical data. He will be left with nothing. Bubkis. No backup unit.”

She put the gun into her chest compartment. “Easy enough.”

“I didn’t pay to have you in that movie to seduce him, only to have this wedding not go through.” He pointed sternly at her, “So, see that it happens.”

She tensed up, “Yes Donbot. The last hiccup was with that tape but-”

“But nothin! That tape was supposed to bring attention to him, and it did, that's enough.”

Bender whispered, “You got Boxy to set up the auction!? To make him more famous!?” Bender pulled up his camera to take a shot of them again but the scaffolding creaked and he dropped the camera with a loud clatter.

Donbot pulled out his own gun. “The hell was that!?”

Bender scrambled and quickly extended his arms to get the camera. He climbed out from the window with impressive speed, then cheesed it as far as he could. He avoided URL and Smitty by side-tracking through the casting rooms. He looked around the hallways and corridors, “I can hide out here until-”

Calculon spoke from behind him, “Bender?”

Bender squealed and spun his head. “Calculon!?”

The acting unit was holding a cup of coffee with his name misspelled on it. “What a coincidence seeing you here as well.”

Bender stood up right, but his systems stalled out somewhat at seeing the golden bot again. “I-I-”

His tone of voice was good natured, “Well what are you doing here?”

“I-I met your fiancé!”

Calculon was his usual chivalrous, unquestioningly enthusiastic self. “You have!? Isn’t she great!? I knew I liked her from the moment I met her on set.”

“Yes but Calculon, about that- I don’t know how to tell you this-” That it had been planned for him to. “For the wedding she is planning to ki-!”

Calculon held out his hand. “Ah-ah! I don’t want any spoilers. I am very excited.”

Bender stalled, “Y-you are?”

“Oh yes, I look forward to spending every moment with her. The ceremony will be stupendous.”

Bender felt something stir in his chassis. “Really?” He then shook his head, “That-that doesn’t matter! She was with the Donbot-”

Calculon gasped, “Donbot!? She must be planning something big then!”

Bender grabbed his shoulder links, causing the bot’s coffee to hit the floor. “She is! She’s gonna try n’ murder you!”

Calculon shifted slightly. “What!?”

“I saw her talking to the Donbot about it!” He brought up his camera.

“No more!” Calculon shoved him away, causing the camera to fall. “‘Kill me’, hah!” He spun with a flourish towards his dressing room.

Bender flared with anger, “It's true! You have to call it off!”

“I will do no such thing!” He turned back around to face Bender. “I won’t hear anymore of this!”

“The Donbot and her want you dead to take your money! They set up the auction for the tape and-!”

Calculon turned sour, “That’s quite the wild idea! I’m afraid I’ve had enough of you.” He shouted crisply, “SECURITY.”

Bender fumbled his words as URL and Smitty turned the corner, spotting him. “Aslkdgj-Calculon it’s true!”

“You’re delusional.” He crossed his arms, “The only one who could talk me out of this wedding is my ex fiancé. No one else’s crazed ramblings or opinions mattered to me more than hers.”

“But! But!” URL picked Bender up from under his arm links. Smitty stepped on the camera, breaking it by accident.

Calculon stomped, “Enough! You are uninvited to the wedding.”

Bender gasped, heart broken. He screamed out as he was dragged down the hall, “Damn you Calculon! I’ll make you see her for who she is!”

Outside, Fry sipped his unnecessarily complex caffeinated drink as Bender was thrown out on his ass beside him. He licked his lips before smiling, “Oh hey! There you are Bender! Did you find Jezebolt?” Fry was clad in studio merchandise and seemed to have had a fun time. "Oh! I saw Calculon!"

Bender groaned in pain before he stood with shaky legs. Smitty then threw the busted camera at him, causing him to fall back down again. “And take your busted camera with ya too!”

Bender sat up again, “Ugh, Fry. Jezebolt is going to try and kill Calculon.”

“What?!” Fry sipped his drink and bent down with him, “Oh man, we gotta tell everyone.”

Bender stood to reach for the camera, “I got it all on-” A van drove by, running over the camera, destroying it beyond recognition. Bender fell to his knees with despair. “What's the point?” He stood and clawed at the sky before shambling down the sidewalk.

Fry stood to join him. “Uh, I guess I’ll see you back at the apartment?” But Bender didn’t reply.

---

The calendar showed that the wedding was this weekend. Fry had marked it before heading out. He twirled his keys while carrying a grocery bag with all the essentials: bread, milk, and beer. He also got a new roll of tape since he had used the last of his old one wrapping Calculon’s wedding gift.

He sung off-key as he walked through the halls. He shimmied his hips as the tune from the 1990’s carried through to his neighbor’s walls. He slid his keys into the lock and stepped through the entryway before closing the door with a bump from his butt. He then sputtered his song when he saw Bender sprawled out on the couch with a five o’clock rust beard. He gasped and dashed over. “Bender?!”

The robot grumbled and sat up slightly. “Fry???”

“What happened?! Why are you sober?”

Bender hiccuped, “Married!? He is getting married! Can you believe it!?”

Fry sat on the floor with his groceries. “Who? Scruffy?” He reached for a beer bottle and handed it to the robot.

Bender swatted it away and yelled in a stupor, “Calculon!” He sobbed, “I don’t wanna drink!”

“Bender, listen to yourself! You gotta drink something!”

He sat up straighter and teetered slightly. “He won’t believe me! He uninvited me!”

Fry pressed the drink to his metal hand. “Well yeah but I already got them a gift.” He gestured to a poorly gift-wrapped ladder within the corner of the room, since the acting unit had said it was nice.

Bender held the beer in one hand but pulled out a picture of fembot Calculon in the other. “What if he was a fembot instead!? Do you think we coulda made it work?”

“That was just a role, Bender.” Fry stood and patted his shoulder. “Just like how you were just an Olympian.”

“Just an Olympian!?” He slurred his speech, “I-I could-coulda-!” He paused and slouched, “But I didn't wanna…” He crumpled up the photo and let it fall.

“I’m sorry, Bender.”

He groaned, “Fry what am I gonna do?”

“If you’re really worried about him…you could crash the wedding?”

Bender chugged the beer. “You mean show up uninvited and make a scene?”

“Sure! That's what the good ol’ Bender would do!”

Bender paused, “But he said he wouldn’t listen to me…he hates me now…" he paused, "What Bender would do…Wait! That's it! I’ll be Coilette again!”

“What?” Fry cocked his head before Bender tightly grabbed his arm and dragged out of the apartment. “Wha-Bender! But the milk!”

At the Planet Express headquarters, Farnsworth was showing his crew new gold and copper rich lengths of wire he had acquired. The crew gathered around the meeting table and gawked at the collection before Bender barged in with Fry.

“Professor!” Bender’s cuffs clanked along the floor in quick succession. He parted the crowd, sending Amy and Zoidberg to the ground. “I need to be a woman again!”

The old man adjusted his glasses. “E-wha? What for?”

Leela crossed her arms. “Bender you said you’d stop-”

Bender was stern, “It's for Calculon!”

Leela groaned, “Ugh! Hasn't he been through enough!?”

Bender threw his hands in the air, “Youdontunderstand! TheDonbotisplanningtokillhim!”

Fry joined from behind. “Jezebolt is in cahoots with the Donbot!”

“Yeah!ThatswhatIjustsaid!TheDonbotandJezeboltaregonnakillhim!”

Leela gasped, “His fiancé is going to kill him? Why didn't you tell us sooner?”

Hermes tried to step in, “Calm down-mon. Don’t get your dipstick in a twist.”

Bender grabbed Hermes and shook him. “That's the problem Hermes!” He stopped and turned to the others, “He won’t listen to me as Bender!” He pointed to the ceiling in a dramatic pose, “But he will listen to his dead fiancé, Coilette!”

“For Jah’s sake.” The bureaucrat shook his head. “This is Calculon we are talking about! Even if what you’re saying is true, that bot has more lives than a sugarcane field cat!”

“But she had a data erasing gun! He’ll be just like me!” He brought his hands to his chassis. “He won’t be able to come back! He won’t have a backup unit or-”

Leela was still incredulous, “Are you sure you’re not just doing this to break apart their wedding because you’re jealous?”

Bender yelled at her, “I’m breaking apart their wedding because she is a psycho-bot!” He crossed his arms, “I’m only a tiny bit…jealous…that I was…uninvited.”

Leela tapped her fingers on her arm. “Okay. You care about Calculon, I get that, but isn’t there another way? Jezebolt is doing the exact same thing you did. Tricking him for money."

Amy stood. “Except she is trying to kill him? Really?”

Bender clanked with an idea. “You’re right Leela! I could just kill her instead!”

Leela shook her head. “That’s not what I-”

The Professor finished putting away his wire and spoke up, “Kill her you say?”

Hermes added in, “That won’t solve anything! Unless she actually tries something, you can’t just break up this wedding over something you overheard!”

Bender pointed at him sternly, “Yes it will and yes I can!” He picked up a new plasma rifle and cocked it.

The Professor stepped forward. “It will take all night to turn you into a fembot again, but I suppose if you really want to kill this mad-maiden-bot...”

Bender threw the gun to the floor where it fired off a round, causing Leela to duck before another strained owl hoot could be heard off in the hangar. “It’ll be fun on the bun!” Bender jumped up and down with excitement.

Leela groaned, “Oh lord.”

Amy added, “The reception is tomorrow, that's cutting it kinda close don’t you think?”

The Professor huffed, “Well fine, let's get started!”

Hermes picked up the rifle. “But the tournament!?” Both Farnsworth and Bender walked away. Hermes huffed, “Like that hasbin actor needs saving. Bender is the one who will wind up needing it.”

Leela nodded, “That's for sure.”

Fry sighed. “I guess the gift was all for naught.”

—

Coilette emerged the next day looking as prim, clandestine, and sultry as she always had before her staged death. “What do you think?” She posed with an arm behind her head before everyone in the meeting room.

Leela was in fancy wedding attire, playing with her wrist computer as Nibler sat in her lap. She didn’t look up as she replied, “Eh.”

Hermes was reading the morning paper with a cup of coffe and chanced a glance. “Like you’re about to disrupt a marriage ceremony.” He then folded the paper over a disqualified plaque from the skeet shooting tournament since he had no partner.

Coilette stomped her heeled footcuff. “Can’t you all support me on this!?”

Amy sat forward on the couch in a scantily clad outfit. “Zap and Kif were invited to the wedding too! So I’m Kify’s plus one! I’ll see you there girlfriend!” They then high fived.

Coilette cheared, “That's what I’m talking about!”

Leela put Nibler onto the floor and stood. “What exactly is your plan?”

Fry came in wearing a dress suit while eating a chili dog. “Woah! You look great buddy.” Fry patted his mouth with his suit’s tie and Leela groaned.

Coilette adjusted her chassis. “My plan is simple, I’m going to shoot her from the steeple.”

Hermes coughed into his coffee and spilled it. “Isn’t that extreme!?” He patted at his suit in distress.

“No! In fact! It's not extreme enough!”

Leela added, “I agree with Hermes here. Why not confront her before the ceremony?”

Fry shook his head, “Wouldn’t that be more dangerous!?"

Coilette shrugged, “I’ll be fine regardless, I already have no backup unit.” She pounded her chassis and it made a hollow sound.

Leela groaned, “Fine then. I’ll help you ruin this wedding, but only if you can prove-”

Coilette aggressively shook her hand. “I knew you’d come around big boots!”

Hermes was deep in thought as the crew moved out of the meeting room. The beaurocrat patted his chin. “Actually I think with you already not having a backup unit, it would just wipe you immediately. You would die instantly if-” When he turned to address them, they had disappeared into the hanger. “Hey!” He quickly ran to join the others, hastily getting his things together..

Since she was ready, they began to board the ship. Leela lifted the garishly packaged ladder Fry had gotten the couple, while Coilette supervised. Hermes and LaBarbara said their gift was in a large bag Hermes carried with him, while Amy had a small gift box.

--

Together, they all flew out to the wedding destination. A robot guard checked their names for entry and allowed the ship to fly in. The luxurious vista Calculon had set up was a vast green scape with roman columns, ivey, and free motor oil fountains. In the middle of the green pasture field with guests, a distance from the parking lot, was the altar. A large church and steeple made of steel and brick with robotic symbolism all about; was beside it.

They parked without hassle and Leela pulled the energy break and applied the wheel lock. “Okay let's get this nonsense over with.”

Coilette made a fighting pose. “No one kills my man!”

Amy giggled, “You’re man?”

Coilette halted, “Er-Calculon! No one can kill him but me!”

They stepped off their ship and saw Zap and Kif out on the lawn. Zap Brannigan approached their party with a wide grin. Leela groaned as he walked to stand beside her. “Why hello there Leela.”

Fry replied as he adjusted his ladder, “Hi! Where are you guys sitting?” He smiled at Kif and patted at his own wrinkled suit.

Zap grimaced at Fry but Kif replied to the question, “By the front.” Amy then dashed forward and kissed her fonfon-ru. Hermes and LaBarbara parted from the group to go check out their buffet, taking their wedding gift with them.

Fry hauled the ladder over to the gift table underneath a portico. Coilette knocked over a handful of decorative boxes, hearing a few things shatter. “Put it here!”

With a grunt he placed the ladder down and dusted off his hands.

Suddenly an alien in a tuxedo came into the area and announced that the ceremony was about to begin.

Coilette gasped, “What?! But I haven’t been able to get near either of them yet! M-my plan!"

Leela joined her and Fry. "What plan? Its too late for that! Hurry, let's get to the front!”

Guests began to take their seats. The crowd was filled with celebrities, directors, and close friends. Each eagerly awaiting any drama, but at the same time, taking in the pageantry of the fine event. Fry and Leela helped hide Coilette under a coat as they sat down.

Leela pointed out that the mafia was in the crowd. Zap and Kif glanced over, the gangsters looked dressed more for a funeral than a wedding. Coilette hissed from under the clothes, “Told you.”

Orchestral music started up and the crowd turned to look down the path to see the groom. Calculon waved to his guests in a fancy suit as he soon took the altar with his best men and the priest, high fiving each of them.

Then the bride's processional music began and the people stood as a flower girl led Jezebolt down the aisle. Everyone stared except for Coilette, she looked blissfully at Calculon from under the coats.

The bride made her way down the aisle with a bouquet of flowers, hips swaying with her elegant white dress train flowing behind her. When she reached the altar, she curtsied and stood with Calculon. The robotic reverend placed his hands on the podium and began, “Ladies and gentlebots, we are gathered here today for this celebrity wedding-”

The orchestra began to swell but the music halted when a cloaked figure shouted, “I object! This wedding is a sham!”

Joey Mouspad and Clamps sat up, but the whole crowd gasped again when it was revealed to be-

“COILETTE!?” Calculon hands went to his mouth as he blinked in disbelief.

Coilette threw off the borrowed coat and ran to the center aisle. “This whole thing is a plot to murder you!” She pointed to the bride angrily.

Jezebolt gripped her bouquet of flowers tightly. “Murder me?”

Coilette scoffed, “Not YOU.” She pointed to Calculon, “Him! You plan to murder HIM!”

Calculon gasped, “Moi?”

Jezebolt snapped, “What is this?”

Coilette pointed to her. “And I can prove it!” Coilette then tackled Jezebolt, quickly causing them to fall backward onto the altar. The priest stepped aside as they wrestled and slapped one another, Jezebolt screaming in terror and confusion.

Coilette exclaimed, “You’re only after Calculon for his money! And you have the nerve to kill him to get it!?” She pushed Jezebolt’s head to the wooden floor.

“Get off me you haywire witch!” She scratched at Coilette’s eye casing and tugged on her stiff hair.

“You have a gun in your chest compartment!” Coilette reached to get it open but Jezebolt shoved her back, causing Coilette to collide with the podium.

Jezebolt then looked to Calculon, “She’s crazy honey! Honestly!”

He wasn’t paying attention to their squabble, his processor was in a haze at seeing Coilette again, his eyes only stayed on her. “Y-you’re alive!”

Coilette sprung back and shoved Jezebolt into a flower vase, dousing them in water. Coilette tore at Jezebel's wedding dress and held back her arms as she opened the chest compartment. The crowd gasped at the display. Hedonismbot proclaimed, “Oh my!”

Coilette shoved her hand in as Jezebolt kicked and screamed, “Someone to do something!”

Zap and Leela rose to block the stage as Joey and Clamps approached.

“Ah-hah!” Coilette pulled out the square gun, “I told you!”

Jezebolt kicked out Coilette’s legs and grabbed the gun as Coilette fell to the floor. The crowd stammered as Jezebolt aimed the gun down towards Coilette. “Enough! Who are you!?”

Coilette tried to stand but Calculon spoke for her. “She is my dearly departed fiancé!”

Jezebolt held Coilette down and pointed the gun to her head. “Of course you are. Here to ruin my wedding out of jealousy huh!?” Jezebolt picked her up and held her within the crook of her arm.

Calculon proclaimed, “No! Don’t hurt her!”

Coilette struggled at the sight of Calculon looking so distraught. “I couldn’t let you hurt Calculon!”

Jezebolt pointed the gun to him, “Stay where you are, you two-bit actor.” Calculon gasped and put up his hands. She then pointed the gun back to Coilette, “Stay right where you are or she bites the dust.”

Calculon stepped forward. “No!”

“What did I just say?!” Jezebolt shifted the gun forward towards him.

A loud shot rang out amongst the venue, causing the crowd to wince and cover their ears. Leela and Zap turned back to the stage to see what had happened.

Jezebolt sparked and spasmed as her head casing was blown open. She crumpled to the ground and released Coilette, the data gun falling from her grasp and onto the stage.

Coilette crawled away and looked around frantically. The crowd was silent and wide eyed, no one knew where the shot had come from. No one said a word as Coilette patted herself for any damage. Fry ran to her as Leela picked up the gun and looked around.

She pointed it at the Donbot’s goons as they tried to step forward onto the stage past Zap. “Freeze! Don’t try anything!”

The Donbot sighed from his seat. “It would seem my convoluted plan has been caput.”

Then, a sudden clapping came from the audience; Hedonismbot was ecstatic. “What a great performance! Bravo! Fantastic wedding!”

Calculon approached Coilette beside Fry. “Is that really you?” He held her face and looked into her eyes.

She smiled back. “Yes.” She then gasped when she saw the gunshot residue in his torso.

Leela turned around, “What happened? Did someone else get shot?”

Calculon touched the scorch mark, “It would appear so.”

When Leela looked back, the mafia members had ran back to their ship across the lawn. She turned to Zap and Kif in the crowd. “Well!? Search the place!” She stepped down and approached them. “We saw them the whole time so it had to have been someone else who shot the bride.”

Zap grinned, “Eye eye! You divine-”

“Go!” She then turned to the crowd. “Is there a doctor here!?”

An actor stood, “I play a doctor!”

Leela rolled her eye and spoke to Fry, “Get Calculon to the ship!” She turned to Zap and Kif, “That shot had to have come from somewhere high up!” Her ragtag team then headed to the steeple within the church.

Amy stood with Kif as Zap and Leela searched for the culprit. Amy adjusted her scandalous wedding garb and asked, “You think the shooter was hiding out in here?” It was dusty and cramped.

Leela took in the scene from the steeple, a perfect vantage point. “Yep, and that same someone also knew Jezebolt had a gun.”

Zap was on the floor picking at dust. “Do you think they were in on it?”

Leela looked out on the crowd of people. “No..”

Kif raised a finger, "The mafia would’ve had nothing to gain, I don’t think it has anything to do with them.”

Leela looked out the window just below the spire. “Whoever did this, had it planned, they knew what they were doing.”

Zap made a brave pose. "Well we must have scared them off." But he stood too tall and hit his head.”Ow!”

The remaining guests weeped for Calculon as Fry helped Coilette lead him into their ship. Calculon was murmuring to his fans, “Thank you. Thank you for coming to my wedding.”

The group shared their worried murmurs and took photos of the actor, telling him his wedding had been beautiful regardless. Fry was startled to see Hermes and LaBarbara approach, trying to make their way through. He called out to them as he got Coilette and Calculon aboard, “Hermes!? Where have you been?”

The man strung his large rectangular bag over his shoulder. “Fry-mon! What's the rush?” LaBarbara was holding a wedding decoration bouquet and tried to maneuver around the fans.

Fry was casual, “Nothing much. We gotta take Calculon to the robot hospital is all.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, guess Jezebolt fired off the shot right as she, you know, got shot.”

“Ah mon…”

Coilette screeched from inside the ship, “Well then let's go already!” When they entered they saw her holding Calculon.

The actor-bot was murmuring, “You are as ravishing as the last time I saw you. How are you here now?”

“I-uh…” she panicked, “made a deal with the…Robot Devil to come up here and save you?”

“Really? I never saw you down there though?”

“Uhhh…I never saw you either. Weird, must be a bigger place than we thought.” She averted his gaze.

Leela was trying to get past the crowd with Amy, who was also holding a decorative bouquet and some cake. “Move people!”

Calculon coughed with a laugh, “Oh Coilette, how I’ve missed you.”

Coilette tried to hold back her anger as she replied to Calculon. “Then why were you marrying some actress skank?”

He laughed lightly, “Because I can’t hold on to sadness forever, I thought I could start a new chapter of my life with someone I loved. With someone I thought I could trust...”

Coilette gripped his hand tighter. “I know you loved me-”

“With every fiber of my being. I still do.”

She looked down, “But I don’t think you would love me if you knew the real me. I already know you don’t, and I can’t really blame you.”

“The real you?” He laughed, “You already know the real me. I told you how I used to be a warecar, a machinist, how I wasn’t always this debonair actor…”

She laughed, “I know.”

“Then what makes you think I wouldn’t love you? This is you.” The confusion was clearly written across his face.

Coilette shivered, “You just wouldn’t.” She reached into her compartment and handed him a strip of film.

“What is this?”

“Just something I think you should keep.”

He looked at the strip of film, recognizing it. “Where did you get this?”

They were interrupted as Leela and Amy quickly boarded the ship. Leela was panting, “Calculon- your backup unit.”

Calculon was serene, “Yes, I know. It's been destroyed.”

Leela got behind the wheel. “Alright. I'll set a course for the nearest-"

Calculon shook his head, "No, no. I'm fine."

Coilette broke in, “But-but, you should at least have a doctor look at you! Or someone from Geek Squad?”

He stood from her and made a valiant pose. “I understand. I have died many times.”

Hermes nodded, “True.”

Coilette stood with him. "But?"

Calculon added, “I am glad this experience has let me see my sweet Coilette again.” In a flash he turned and dipped Coilette, kissing her sweetly. When he pulled away she fainted with a gasp, but he caught her. “My only wish- is to go home.”

Fry and Amy pouted. Leela sighed, “If you say so.”

Hermes shook his head. “Whatever you say, mon.” Leela side eyed him before taking off.

After a brief flight, the ship landed on Calculon’s property, breaking only a few tree branches and setting off a handful of car alarms as it landed beside the mansion.

Fry opened the hatch and asked, "What about all your wedding gifts Calculon?"

He stepped down from the ship. "They will be sent to me I'm sure. Dramatically leaving important events is part of my character. So the staff already knew to be prepared.”

Fry and Coilette walked down with him. Coilette added, "The police will probably ask you questions."

He shrugged. "No worse I'm sure- than the time when Hedonism's party blew the block up." Calculon stood beside Coilette and added, “Thank you for saving me.”

She gave an awkward smile, “Eh, anytime.”

He sounded sad, and at a loss. “Maybe I went overboard with this wedding, I just wanted someone in my life so badly, I wanted to try new things and…I got carried away.”

“Eh, it's not your fault. Maybe try listening to me more.” She knocked on his chest. “But trying new things is gonna be harder now.” She laughed bitterly, “Now that you don’t have a back up.”

He paused, seemingly taking in her words. “Thank you for always being there for me, Bender. In one way or another.”

Coilette pretended to be humble, “Yeah well, I’m sorry about your wedding. It looked expensive.”

He shrugged back, “I’ll love again one day I suppose, but it wont compare to ours.” He then gestured to his home, “Sure you won’t stay here with me for a little while longer?”

She self consciously shook her head. “No, I better uh- go back to see the Robot Devil."

“I understand.” He paused, “I really do understand now.” He held her arm before turning towards his mansion. “Goodbye for now. My friend.” He then crossed the lawn and closed the door behind him as he entered his home.

Coilette turned and walked with Fry back to the ship. Fry patted her shoulder as the ship's engines powered on and they took off.

---

Once back at Planet Express headquarters, Leela spoke to Hermes as the rest of the crew departed into the hangar. She roughly grabbed his bag, the one he seemed to be carrying everywhere, and whispered, “It was you wasn’t it?”

He laughed, “What are you talking about?” He paused and groaned after seeing her stern face. He lowered his bag. "How did you know?”

LaBarbara was doing the ‘La Cucaracha’ dance drunkenly with Amy in the hangar. LaBarbara then stated loudly before Leela replied, “That robot means so much to my husband! Like his own son almost!”

Amy was holding a bottle of champagne from the wedding. "I believe it!"

Hermes laughed again and turned to Leela. “Fine, it's true.”

Leela smiled. “I never knew you had such a sweet side.”

He laughed, “Woman please, I just wanted to prove I was a good shot.”

“Good shot? You were a few seconds too short, Calculon-”

“I don’t care about THAT hasbin!” He opened his bag and returned the plasma rifle to its crate.

Leela smiled at him before Farnsworth greeted them all at the center table, “So how was the wedding?”

Zoidberg sniffed the flower arrangement LaBarbara and Amy had brought back. They shooed him away from the cake pieces too. Amy took a seat and stated, “Well it could have been better, but it was entertaining.”

Coilette snarked back, “So glad the tragedy was entertaining for you all.”

Farnsworth adjusted his glasses as Coilette put her feet up on the table. “Are you looking to change back now? Did your little mission succeed?”

Coilette uncorked some champagne. “Sure did, someone shot that floozy, but it wasn’t me.”

“Oh my, is she alright?”

Fry popped a can of Slurm. “Er, no…she died.”

Coilette sighed. “I’ll never be with Calculon. Him as a fembot, me as one, both of us on a yacht in the pacific? It was all just a fever dream.”

Fry replied, “Don’t say that buddy, he's important to you. And you’re important to him, even if he doesn't fully know it.”

“Yeah I guess so. That's all that really matters.”

Leela then saw Amy eating cake. “When did you get that?”

Her and LaBarbara froze. LaBarbara replied, “I grabbed a slice while me husband left to go…um…”

Amy replied with her mouth full, “It was really tall and we were leaving anyway so-”

Coilette suddenly stood from her seat in a rush. “HE CALLED ME BENDER!”

Fry almost dropped his can from the shout. “Who did?”

Coilette turned and shook him violently. “Calculon! Calculon called me Bender!” She ran her hands over her face. “So he knows? He knows and-”, she sat down, “-and he didn’t care? He didn’t even push me away?”

Leela sat beside Fry as he wiped the spilt Slurm from his shirt. She replied, “Isn’t that good?”

Coiellete felt a warm sensation. “I..I think so?” Her fingers felt cool against her warming metal face. She stood again and shook her head back and forth. “All right, that's enough of these emotions.” She slammed her fist to the table. “Professor!”

He pulled up a buzz saw in one hand and Bender’s antenna in a baggie of ice within the other. “Alrighty. Ready when you are.”

“Let's do this before I change my damn mind!” She adjusted her chassis and stormed off with him.