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“Hey, baby,” Liam chirps as he strolls through the front door of the apartment.
Theo looks up from the pot of chili beans he’s stirring and pauses, squinting over the wooden spoon at his mouth. “Don’t hey, baby me. What did you do this time?”
“I didn’t do anything!” Liam’s voice pitches up defensively. At Theo’s unimpressed look, he amends, “Arguably, a thing happened to me.”
“Of course it did,” Theo sighs, like Liam is his personal cross and all the nights of heart-ripping in hell couldn’t have prepared him with enough longsuffering to put up with his boyfriend.
“Sooo,” Liam says, sidling up to the counter that divides them. His hands are markedly clasped behind his back. Theo instantly does not trust one ounce of Liam’s vibe.
“So, what?”
“Whatcha cooking?”
“Beans,” Theo deadpans. “In chili sauce. Ask what you really wanna ask.”
“Do you, uh—do you happen to remember what we did with Timmy’s cage?”
“Your pet hamster’s cage from when you were fourteen?”
“Yeah?”
“The same one I said reeked like rodent shit and asked you to throw out but you didn’t?”
“Yup, yeah! Now you’re getting my drift.”
Theo sets down the wooden spoon on its metal rest on the stove, presses his mouth into a prim line, and turns to address his boyfriend. “Please don’t tell me we’re getting a rodent that smells like shit.”
In answer, Liam unclasps his hands from behind his back and whips out Theo’s half-gallon Tupperware lunch container, the very same one that Jenna had gifted him last year together with a set of beautiful pastel colored lids.
Correction: Liam whips out what’s left of Theo’s Tupperware container.
“Liam,” says Theo. “Why the hell is there a squirrel inside my Tupperware? And why the fuck are there holes punched in it?”
“Because otherwise Kevin wouldn’t be able to breathe.”
“Kevin.”
“Yeah, the squirrel.”
“I’m well aware there’s a squirrel inside my Tupperware. That’s kind of the whole problem. Also the more important question, incidentally,” says Theo sarcastically.
“He had nowhere to go!” says Liam, and this time he hops up on the barstool to rest the scratchy squirrel-occupied remains of Theo’s Tupperware on the counter and jut his elbows against the edge to cup his face. So he thinks he can pull the puppy dog act again and get what he wants. Well, not this time, Theo swears. This time, he’s going to be firm as a rock, immovable as—
"Theo, I'm serious. He's homeless."
“Right,” Theo drawls, only humoring him. Clearly.
“He’s an orphan.”
“Oh, and I suppose you found that out by calling the squirrel social services.”
Liam leans forward across the counter and hisses, “Yes, and they told me you’re being a dick.”
“Joy,” says Theo. He pulls out a single bowl from the nearest cabinet and starts plating up a bowl of chili for himself. Because he’s been petty that way since he was a boy and honestly, Liam shouldn’t have expected anything different. “Did they also tell you they’ll be coming by to check on his welfare? Shall I mop the floors and stock the fridge for their arrival?”
“You’re just being like that because you know he’s gonna win your heart.”
Theo quirks a brow at him, then drops his gaze at the rasping sound of Kevin the squirrel battering at the ruined plastic walls of his makeshift cage with his tiny clawed hands. Theo can’t suppress a grimace as the Tupperware lurches an inch across the counter from the force of the little beast’s efforts before Liam lunges forward to trap the container with both hands on the lid.
“Sure,” says Theo. “Bloodthirsty, shameless little animal plotting my murder. Totally gonna win me over.”
“I know,” Liam says brightly. “Totally your kindred spirit, huh?”
And, well—Theo really, really just walked straight into that one.
“C’mon,” Liam says. And now he’s pinning Theo with those huge, round eyes. Really pulling out all the stops this time. “I’m gonna be the one to bathe him and feed him and make sure he’s properly looked after. I’ll even clean his cage and make sure it doesn’t smell like shit. I promise, you won’t even have to lift a finger.”
“Why do I doubt that?”
“Look at him. Look him right in the eyes and tell him you’re gonna turn him out.” Liam, the little shit, grabs the container and jiggles it in front of Theo’s face.
Theo takes one glance at the creature’s beady little eyes, his paws crossed over his stomach as he stands to attention, and utters, “Easy. Kevin, you’re nothing but a feral furball and I’m turning you out.”
“Okay. Okay. New angle. Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re gonna turn Kevin out.” Liam gets right up in Theo’s face, and there’s something about the sweetness of his scent curling around Theo, soft and childlike and pleading in his excitement and full of innocent hope, that really, Theo has no defense against him.
“I—”
“C’mon,” Liam pleads again. “You’re gonna love him in no time. Besides, you could use a pet to teach you how to be nice to people.”
“Against my better judgment, I’m nice to you,” Theo points out. “And Kevin is not people.”
Liam decides to shut his mouth then and simply stare at Theo, and that, it turns out, is the chimera’s utter undoing.
“Fine,” he presses out on an exhale. “But I’m holding you to it. I’m not lifting a finger.”
“Yes!” Liam shakes a celebratory fist and steals an even more celebratory bite from Theo’s bowl of chili, not even fazed by how spicy his boyfriend made it. “Oh, babe, while I run and take a shower, do you mind pulling out Timmy’s cage for me?”
“And this,” Theo mutters under his breath as he marches in the direction of their storage unit on the balcony, “is me not lifting a finger.”
—
Theo does not fall in love with Kevin. Not when he rattles the bars of his cage or squeezes the toys that Liam plies him with till the squeaking of rubber and plastic cuts through Theo’s headphones as he’s watching his lectures. Not even when Kevin makes those ridiculous round dark eyes at him from across the room while gnawing on his nuts, or wipes his paws together incessantly like he’s developed a spontaneous case of OCD, or darts around the bottom of his cage like he’s auditioning to be the next Flash.
But every time Liam rushes through the door and drops a cursory kiss on top of Theo’s head, then beelines for Kevin’s cage to coo at the thing heyyy, buddy, how was your day today? Oh yeah? Really? Mine was swell, but it’s even better now that I’ve seen you, Theo’s heart melts all over again and all the vitriolic complaints sitting on his tongue wither away.
In time, he guesses he could probably learn to tolerate one more feral creature in the apartment. After all, he doesn’t often see Liam take responsibility for something so readily and completely. It’s a good look on his boyfriend.
Theo’s rather proud of how he hangs onto the tenuous thread of his sanity when he comes home one evening after a six-to-nine lab, knowing Liam is out with Mason for some bro time, and he finds his communications textbook and homework upended on his floor.
Scratch that: his textbook has lost some key chapters, his notebook resembles fluffy hamster bedding, and his usually neat pile of clothes laid out for the next day are strewn in an almost artistic arc of chaos on the carpet.
How one tiny creature can be so full of vile energy, Theo will never know.
He snaps a photo of the detritus of Kevin's exploits and shoots it off to Liam, just before snatching everything up off the floor in jerky movements and clenching his jaw in silent fury.
It's not until he's showered away his upset and cooled down a bit, coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist to meet Kevin's calculating gaze from where the squirrel is perched in the middle of the bed, that Theo fully registers the ridiculousness of the situation.
"I'm naked. Get out," says Theo. Because he might as well relinquish the last vestiges of his dignity and talk to the furry menace, right?
Kevin blinks. Or comes as close to nonchalant blinking as a godless creature like him can. With an irritatingly cute nose scrunch thrown in.
With a rattling sigh, Theo scoops up his phone to report to Liam on his delinquent's latest shenanigans. He clicks on the screen, only to discover that his first photo never sent. He sighs again and takes a few seconds to debate with himself before pocketing his phone and turning back to face the miscreant with a firmer resolve.
"I'm not falling for your wiles." He points at Kevin. "I'm not. You stay right there while I get dressed. I am not facing you head on with my ass hanging out."
(It turns out Kevin has other ideas and five minutes later finds Theo scampering after him barely dressed, chasing the damn thing all throughout the apartment with a creative fountain of invectives flying from his mouth.)
And Liam's reaction to the aftermath of everything when he comes back? Is to laugh. Laugh. And then to kiss Theo sweetly and thoroughly with a beaming face and thank his traumatized boyfriend for helping Kevin in his enrichment before returning him to his cage.
—
Theo resolves he's either going to find an attorney willing to sue bushy-tailed rodents or be the first man himself to go up in court against one, the day that Liam comes home with a cheery announcement that he's got their weekend groceries and an exciting new blend of proper food for Kevin.
Theo's half-listening, really, one earbud still in and playing some soothing garden sounds while he scribbles down notes for tomorrow's chemistry exam. He knows the material almost as intimately as he knows the inner corners of his own anatomy—perks of being a child test subject with weekly vivisections for free—but he'd much rather dive into the thick of his studying again now, tongue curled at the corner of his mouth in concentration, and leave the evening free for some casual snuggling with Liam.
It therefore doesn't occur to him to pay much more attention to his surroundings at the moment, beyond tilting his head back for a second over the top of the couch cushion to meet Liam's greeting kiss halfway, as Liam makes his way over to Kevin's cage with the new mix of food jiggling in its container in his hand.
"I'll be done with this in the next ten minutes and then we can have some of the burritos I thawed in the fridge while we catch up with Kim's Convenience," Theo offers.
"Oh, I can bring them out and microwave them now," Liam says, his back still turned to Theo across the living room. Theo doesn't register the higher pitch of Liam's voice for anything farther outside the normal bout of Liam being overexcited to see their…unconventional pet.
"Nope. Let me. Promise I'll be done here in ten." Theo dips a finger down the page of his notebook, reviewing a sample equation to double check that it balances.
The couch dips suddenly with Liam's weight as the werewolf slides in next to him first on one knee, then curls up against his side. "Or…," Liam starts, "we could…do that now."
"Huh? What? Do what now?" Theo glances up, earbud barely hanging in his ear by its wire.
"The TV thing," says Liam. He licks his lips.
Not that Theo doesn't find that insanely attractive, even after literal years of dating. But Liam hasn't finished putting away the groceries. "You haven't finished putting away the groceries," he points out aloud.
"That can wait. You look so good."
Theo's brow furrows. Liam's scent isn't much hornier than usual. But then again, Liam's baseline sits somewhere comfortably around twice as horny as a teenage boy just going through puberty, so it's a crap standard to go by.
"C'mere," Liam murmurs, fisting his right hand in the front of Theo's shirt to yank him forward and smoosh their lips together, and Theo—well. Theo can very much get with this program.
Liam kisses him with tongue right off the bat, opening up Theo and licking inside expertly. He moves quickly to planting wet, open-mouthed kisses along Theo's jaw, then trailing down the tendon in his neck, grazing his canines and pressing against the skin there with the warm flat of his tongue in that specific way that he knows drives Theo absolutely wild. It's insane, actually, how five minutes ago Theo was thinking of exams and burritos and now here he is letting out helpless little huffs and moans with his dick half-hard and his hands fisted just as desperately in the shoulders of Liam's jacket.
Until Liam jerks back with his face scrunched up in that classic, full-body I Fucked Up frown, and Theo has no choice but to follow his boyfriend's line of sight.
Straight to where Kevin the devil is standing on the top of the couch with his paws crossed, no more than three inches from the shell of Theo's ear.
Theo is forever humiliated by this fact afterwards, but he screams.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Liam! He was about to claw my ear off! Why didn't you fucking say anything?!"
Liam has dived across Theo's lap while Theo himself attempted unsuccessfully to lunge off the couch. The tangle of movement has Liam squirming against Theo's now embarrassing erection through his pants while Liam scrambles to catch the embodiment of furry hell on steroids. The squirrel is squeaking, chittering, bushy tail flicking as he flits up and down the sofa. Theo loses all semblance of coherence and only faintly registers twin yelling from both him and Liam at the chaos that ensues.
A battered lampshade, one upended side table and several bowled-over candles later, Liam finally, mercifully has Kevin's entire four-inch frame of evil cupped in his palms and drops him off in his cage. He slams the door shut, securing the latch that came loose, and whirls to face Theo.
"Sorry," Liam squeaks out at last into the silence.
"I could've lost an ear!"
"Not like you still wouldn't look hot without it!"
"So there's a feral creature trying to murder me and your first instinct is to go, oh, lemme give him a quick handjob first before he dies!"
"You literally tried to murder me when you first showed up in town and I still wanted to give you a handjob!"
"Not the fucking point, oh my G-d! You tried to—to—seduce me so I wouldn't realize he'd gotten out!"
Liam's scrunched up face unfurls a little as he peeks open one eye at his boyfriend. "Did it at least work?"
Theo gestures down at his ruined boner through his jeans. "Clearly!"
Liam's expression turns hopeful. And his scent turns downright horny. "Then…we could…pick right back up where we left off?"
"Jesus Christ."
Liam sighs. His shoulders slump, and he casts one last glance over his shoulder at Kevin throwing a tantrum in the cage before shuffling back to the couch to collapse next to Theo. "I have to release him back to the wild, don't I."
"Please," Theo begs.
Another sigh blows out of Liam's lungs. Feeling something deep within his heart twinge, Theo takes pity on his boyfriend and cards his fingers through Liam's hair to coax his head down to rest on his shoulder.
"Hey," Theo murmurs, because he's a complete idiot and he's utterly gone on Liam Dunbar. "Guess this convinces me to just go out and get you a proper puppy instead."
Liam gasps before he's even finished speaking. "Oh my G-d! Oh my G-d oh my G-d oh my G—"
He doesn't get to finish that particularly eloquent train of thought, because Theo cuts him off with a bruising kiss and a pinch of his claws at Liam's hip to just shut the fuck up already.
And if the night rapidly devolves into some makeup sex on the couch with the groceries forgotten on the counter and one traumatized squirrel pressing his little face through the bars of his cage, well.
Maybe that's just how Liam and Theo roll.