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Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. They’ll never think to look for it there.
Welcome to Night Vale.
First, an important public safety alert. Raphaella la Cognizi, the scientist who has set up a lab in the basement of the abandoned rock gym out near the end of Grant Street has informed me that we should expect a tsunami at some point today, and that she recommends that we evacuate the town immediately. When I pointed out that we are, in fact, land-locked, and that the nearest coastline is over a hundred miles away, she said, “I know! It doesn’t make any sense!” and refreshed the model on her computer screen, which continued to flash red with the word Doom.
Doctor Marius, who has hired himself to be her lab assistant whenever he isn’t seeing patients, informed me that the wave isn’t expected to come from the ocean that we know about, anyway, so it doesn’t matter how far away the shoreline is, and then Raphaella said, “That doesn’t mean anything!” and flipped a few more switches on her model.
When I left, they were arguing about whether the fact that eighty percent of the ocean is unexplored might mean that another ocean could exist that we don’t know about yet. As I was leaving, I waved to the sniper who was surveilling them from the upper left-hand corner window of the apartment block across the street. He didn’t wave back, but that’s fine. I understand that he was on the clock.
Now Night Vale, I know we haven’t had proper tsunami evacuation drills since that mid-‘80s misunderstanding about the definition of the hydrogen bomb, but those of you who were alive then should still know where the evacuation points are located. Acting interim mayor Scout Master Carmilla has not called for evacuation and, when approached for comment, only said, “My administration has already taken preemptive action in the event of this or any other unexpected ocean activity by our support of the universal pre-K program.”
Scout Master and interim acting Mayor Carmilla is right, of course, that the universal pre-K program boasts the most successful toddler swim-team in the state, but in the event that you’re not in the mood to practice your backstroke, if you’re a practicing or agnostic member of the scientific community, I’d consider taking action.
And now, the community calendar.
Monday, the library will host its annual fund-raiser for prizes for the hypothetical winner of this year’s summer reading program. I think we can all agree that it’s a worthy cause — literacy is so important, and any child who survives to complete the summer reading program sure will have put a lot of time, energy, and attention into doing so. And of course, it’s been a few years since any child has won the summer reading program prize, which means that the jackpot is getting pretty big. If you have a child of summer reading program age, why not encourage them to give it a try? After all, someone’s got to win eventually.
As always, the summer reading program fund-raiser will be held as a joint event between the Night Vale and Desert Bluffs public libraries, and this year, it is Desert Bluff’s turn to host. If you want to support the summer reading program without having to step foot in that vile and misbegotten place, give your contribution to the Toy Soldier. It always shows up for those things.
Tuesday is two-for-one day at the auto shop. Two what for one of what? I don’t know, but when I asked Nastya, she said, “you don’t want to miss this.” It had been a while since I’d talked to her about anything other than our bowling team or the glowing angel in the form of a spaceship who hovers above her house, and it was nice to finally get to catch up.
Wednesday there will be a traffic jam on all roads leading out of town due to various unspecified but gruesome accidents, so plan ahead.
Thursday won’t bother, probably — it happened last week and nobody really had that good a time, no one really showed up, and it’s just a lot of effort not to be appreciated, you know?
Friday will be, though. Probably.
This weekend, it’s open studios for a whole host of exciting Night Vale artists. Doctor Marius will be opening up his operating theater on the grounds that theater is the first of the performing arts, so drop by there if you want to try something new! Doctor Marius says he’ll be taking volunteers for both the surgeon and the patient roles in his demonstration.
Sunday from noon to six in Grove Park will also be our weekly farmer’s market. Now, we’re lucky to have a vibrant and diverse series of economies here in Night Vale, but I’ve been asked to remind all farmer’s market attendees that invisible cash can only be used to buy invisible vegetables, and imaginary money can only be used to buy raw imagination. It’s not hard, people, it’s practically color-coded.
In legal news, Nastya reports that her petition to file for a civil partnership with the angel who hovers above her house in the form of a spaceship whose mind gracefully caresses her own while she sleeps — ew — has been denied on the grounds that angels aren’t real, and that if they were, they wouldn’t appear as spaceships.
Now, before we wrap up our show for the day, I’d like to welcome our latest public radio intern to our team. Intern Arachne will be working with us over the summer in exchange for credit in the communications program at Night Vale community college.
Remember, Night Vale, you can’t outrun a tsunami. Life isn’t an action movie, and sometimes when you reach the point where you can see the problem coming, it’s already too late to do anything about it besides take a deep breath and try to protect your head. Luckily for us, the tsunami that Raphaella la Cognizi has so generously predicted for us appears to have occurred, flooded the town, and then washed out, leaving behind massive property damage, all without any of us noticing while it was happening. Isn’t that a stroke of luck? If a bad thing happens but you don’t notice it, did it still happen?
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.