Work Text:
All week Sirius has been treated to much more cheerful mirror talks with his kid. His weekend had surprisingly helped him a lot more than expected, since despite all of the homework, he’d run into the girl when he opted to talk to Hedwig since he couldn’t write anyone (and somehow, Harry felt worse for Hedwig than he did for himself). In the process, he asked her about flying and studying and they’d spent the weekend doing just that. Harry had been bursting with excitement to tell him.
Also, during these chats, Sirius has managed to assuage his worries about Hagrid, the thestrals, and his nightmares. They’d decided that the best thing to do is to not anger Umbridge and thus he'd asked Poppy for a calming drought which he took before his classes with Umbridge. Since she couldn’t provoke him, she couldn’t get him into any more detentions and studying with Cho had helped him tremendously, at least according to Harry.
Sirius thought he was crediting Cho a bit too much as Harry had always been bright and just needed to apply himself. Being told that Sirius cares about his grades and wants him to do well has certainly encouraged him.
Still, he’s unsurprised when a happy Harry appears in his mirror the following Saturday night. “Pads!”
“Hey, Kid.”
“Guess what?”
Sirius smiles, “Snape learned how to use hygiene products?”
Harry laughs, “Do you really think I’d be excited about that?”
“Well, maybe some people would be, like anyone who has to sit next to him,” Sirius jokes. “So, what is it?”
“She kissed me! I couldn’t believe it. There we were, just sitting in the courtyard when I realized how late it was and I said we should probably head back and then she thanked me for a nice day and kissed me and then just walked away with a little wave like nothing happened. I didn’t even think we were dating!”
Sirius laughs, “Maybe she thought you needed a hint?”
“Well, I thought we were just hanging out, you know? Like obviously I fancy her, and I think she fancies me…”
“You think?” Sirius questions, incredulously. “Kid, she kissed you, pretty sure that is a clear indication that she fancies you.”
“I meant before she kissed me. Obviously now… what do I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“It’s – I don’t know. I wanted to date her last year, but I feel weird because she was Cedric’s girlfriend and I was with him when he was killed and it's kind of awkward. I want to date her, but I feel like it's going to ruin a good thing.”
“Well, then, be honest. Tell her that you do want to be with her, but you’re worried that with Cedric in your past in might ruin things. Tell her that you both need to move passed it a bit that you both have to heal before anything can happen between you. That being friends for now will help you both.”
“What if she decides that she wants to talk about him? About what happened? You’re the only one I feel comfortable talking to about it and…”
“Same thing. Just be honest, tell her that it’s hard to talk about it to you because it was an extremely traumatic event. The whole tournament was for you and you’re still working through it.”
“What if I never work through it?”
“You will. It just takes time.”
“I think the problem is… I don’t know how. I mean, even if I accept that it’s not my fault, I spent all year jealous of him – and I secretly sort of wanted to beat him and get Cho to myself … and then everything happened and…”
“Aw, Kid. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t. I still struggle myself even though after our talk I realized that you may be right. I can’t move on while I still blame myself. You can’t stay in the past you can only move forward. So, I think the best thing you can do is acknowledge that your resentment and jealousy made sense last year, after all, you were going through a lot. Can you do that?”
“Yeah, that’s fair. I didn’t have the support that he did – although, you did great!”
Sirius smiles, “I did my best.”
“You were the best. Writing encouraging letters, telling me what to study and be careful, believing me… I don’t know what I would have done without you. Not against adults and having lackluster education and no other help like they did…”
“Exactly. So it’s okay if you didn’t like him or if you resented him just because of what happened doesn’t mean that you have to put him pedestal. It’s okay to feel bad that he didn’t get to live his life , but you know what? You haven’t had the easiest life either and I’d much rather that you’d focus on your own survival and work on moving on. Accept when happened and realize that life goes on.”
“Yeah, yeah I just…”
“It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.”
“But I can’t let myself be happy with Cho if I feel bad about Cedric.”
“In a way, yes. I mean, I don’t think Cedric thing will ever go away, but moving passed it is possible.” Sirius sighs as he thinks about the losses he’s suffered; how hard it’s been on him. “Truthfully, I’m probably not the best to talk to you about this because I struggle – to this day, about your dad and your mum, too. I miss them, still. I still wish they were here watching over you – I wish that it was James you could go to about girls, and not just because he’s better with girls than I am, but I also know that I can’t change what happened. I can’t bring him back, I can’t go back in time and change it, I can’t make it be him instead of me. What I can do is tell you stories and be here for you as I would have if he’d still been around.” Sirius pauses, unsure how to word this. “When it comes to grief or dealing and healing from these awful things that have happened to you, it’s not easy… it takes time, you know? I just I wish I could tell you about the magic method for moving on, but I just don’t know.”
“Do you think talking about him helps? Like, maybe if I actually knew him, it’d be easier to think well maybe he got to be happy, you know? Like Mum and Dad? They were happy, right? And at least they got that?”
Sirius smiles, “Yeah, kid. I think it does help to know that and maybe if you want to approach the possibility of talking to her about him, you can. Whenever you’re ready for it.”
Harry shrugs, “It could be nice to actually know a little about him. I suppose … maybe it could help.”
“I just want you to do what’s right for you.”
“Thanks, Pads. I just try and talk to her before it gets too late. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye kid.”
***
It’s less than an hour later when Sirius hears Harry yelling for him from his mirror. “Fast talk, Kid?”
“It went great!” Harry states. “It’s just that she had to go do Prefect Rounds. I did tell you that she’s a Prefect for Ravenclaw, right?”
“You did,” Sirius smiles. “So, tell me, what was so great about it?”
“Well, there was more kissing, which I really like –”
“Most people do,” Sirius teases.
“– but she told me that she understands that Cedric is a bit of a roadblock, but that we could talk about him a bit – not for all of our time together, but for at least a little bit will help both of us,” Harry continues as if Sirius hadn’t teased him.
“Hmm-mm, so are you dating now?” Sirius questions.
“Yeah, we are. It’s a little weird to think about, but I told her, I’d see her tomorrow for studying, and I’ve got to figure out how we could walk to our classes together and stuff, but I’m excited.”
“That’s great, kid. I’m glad that you’re happy – it’s great that you’ve got something making you happy this year.” He laughs, “And it’s great that you’re studying together – just make sure you actually study.”
“Of course we’ll actually study!” Harry grins. “We’ll just have some breaks.”
“If you take snogging breaks just remember that other people will see you if you’re studying in public.”
“Thanks for the advice.” Harry blushes. “Yeah, I’m slightly worried about the rumors that might happen – there’s been a couple due to seeing us just as friends in the last week, but I don’t care about rumors so much anymore.”
“Does that mean things are going better than the start of the year?” Sirius asks, hopefully. He’d been worried about the rumors ruining Harry’s life.
“Uh, no. People still skirt me in the corridors, Seamus avoids me like the plague – barely spending time in the dorm if he knows I’m there, and I hear whispers everywhere, but it’s not anything I’m not used to. I told you about last year, and first and second year similar things happened, so I think I just need to ignore it.”
Sirius opens his mouth to ask what happened in the earlier years that he missed, but Harry shakes his head.
“It’s not important now. I’ll tell you another time. Let’s just say, I’ve stopped being interested in people’s thoughts of me, even if it hurts, but at least some people support me.”
“Like Ron and Hermione?”
“Uh yeah… like Ron and Hermione.” His hesitation causes concern for Sirius.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Well, I mean, we’re still together as friends and stuff… but like I just get annoyed with their constant arguing and they’re always off being prefects and I feel like they’re always talking about how to deal with me because I – I get angry a lot.” He sighs. “Hermione’s questioning me about where I am when she doesn’t know, and it makes me feel weird. Like whenever I got a letter from you, demanding I read it out loud. And then there’s the way she reacted after I got detention from Umbridge – even though she doesn’t know about the scar, which is gone now thanks to you, it’s just like she doesn’t understand that I couldn’t just let her do this, you know? Umbridge was going to find any reason to attack me, and you can’t just expect me to sit there and take it – at least not without help… and this on top of what happened this summer…”
Sirius nods. He dislikes the idea that Harry doesn’t get any privacy if there’s that kind of behavior from them. “I understand. It can be difficult sometimes when people expect you to share when you’re not ready to or expect something from you that you can’t do, and I understand the lingering anger from the summer…”
“I just – I was expected to just be okay with them being together without me at your house and no substantial letters, it was like they were rubbing it in my face in every letter. It wasn’t fair, and then, I yelled about it and was forced to accept ‘Dumbledore made them’ and it just… it still bothers me. Especially when I feel like they’re still talking about me behind my back on how to approach me and deal with me – it makes me feel like a third wheel. Like I have no support. Like we’re not all equal in our friendship, it’s them against me.”
Sirius frowns. He hadn’t really approved of Harry’s friends being at headquarters without him, disliked the letter situation, and definitely disagreed with the conversations he’d overheard about Harry from his friends at headquarters. Despite this, they’re his friends and they do care about him, so, Sirius says, “I’m sorry, kid. I know it’s rough, but I also know that the only way to fix things and deal with the situation before it gets worse is to talk to them. Maybe think about how you’d like things to be and make it clear how’re you’re feeling about how things are going? You deserve your privacy, and you deserve support from your friends. Just know that it’s okay to talk to your friends – not yell at them – about how things are and what you want.”
“That’s a good idea. I just – living with the Dursleys, it’s been a little … difficult … to stand up for what I want.”
“Do you want to practice? Maybe we can talk about how things should be or how you’re feeling…”
“Maybe…” Harry starts, but then there’s another voice.
“Harry, are you asleep? Hermione thinks you should come downstairs and get started on your homework,” Ron states.
Since Harry had learned to make it so no sound escapes his bed so that he could talk to Sirius in the privacy of the dorm, which means Ron had come up to the dorm to get Harry down to the common room – did they not know that Harry had already done his work? Between Cho and Sirius, Harry had managed to stay on top of his work so far.
“I already finished, Ron. I’m just got other plans right now.”
“Plans doing what?”
“Stuff,” Harry states, and the sounds of him jerking his hangings closed. “I don’t think he’s going to go away.” To prove his point, Ron keeps talking to him, which makes Harry roll his eyes.
Sirius smiles, “We’ll talk another time, go spend some time with kids your age.”
Harry sighs. “I guess I should. Love you, Pads.”
“Love you, too, Kid.”